SD is almost 20, has drug and codependency issues.
This is my first post. Ever. I need input and perhaps I need to vent. My husband has a 19 (almost 20) year old daughter. Though we've been together for 11 years, I've never triedtried to mother this child - she has a mother and I decided I'd be more of a mentor, as my wonderful stepmom always was with me.
My SD was a fantastic kid - good grades, lots of activities, very responsible, graduated from HS with honors, etc... We decided to get her a car for her 18th birthday/graduation. Mothing too fancy, but reliable. The agreement was that she would pay the insurance, we would pay for the car. That didn't happen. Then, she dropped out of college, came to live with us, and despite my very clear guideline, brought drugs into the house. Since her father wouldn't act, I booted her out. She went to live with her boyfriend and cut off communication with us. Her mother undermines us at every opportunity.
I'm desperately trying to take the high road and it is met with nastiness and lashing out. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm about ready to call it quits on my marriage because I've lost so much respect for my husband (who I love dearly) over his hesitation to deal with her. No one is holding her accountable except me and it feels like I'm failing miserably.
Has anyone else here had a similar problem and if so, what did you do about it? Please comment. I need input so badly.
It's a sad situation that
It's a sad situation that you're in. I'm assuming that you had a decent relationship with SD before things took this turn? I'm also assuming that you knew she was having problems when she came to live with you?
You state, 'came to live with us, and despite my very clear guideline, brought drugs into the house.'
Did her parents ever attempt to get her in to rehab?
Listen, she crossed the line and you dealt with it quickly and concisely. (Too bad the bios didn't) Obviously, she's going to be butt hurt about it. She's only 20 and lacks the maturity, wisdom, or clarity to understand that right now. (If she ever does.)
What does DH have to say about it? I'm guessing he's angry with you?
Some parents (especially these days) would rather be a friend to their kid instead of a parent. Something happened for this situation to get this off track. Have you tried reaching out to her and offering her help (minus the parental enabling)? That's about as far as I would go, personally. Perhaps some counseling for you and DH would be something to look in to. Don't beat yourself up. You did what should have been done by the bios. Having said that, be ready for the fallout of your actions. I'm sure there will be loads.
Best of luck to you!
We always had a fantastic
We always had a fantastic relationship. I even considered her to be one of my inner circle (in a kid/adult way) and really, really loved spending time with her. Then and now, I'm really the only one that's consistently tried to hold her accountable. Her father is lost and sad and isn't upset with me for what I'm insisting is important to do now. He knows what needs to happen but is so scared about the backlash that he's essentially paralyzed. She did spend some time in an intensive outpatient program for her "anxiety" but dropped lut when the counselors harped on her for using drugs.
I did know that she had some problems when she moved in here and that's why I told her immediately that she was absolutely not permitted to have drugs here.
Now she's back to "ghosting" us for whatever reason. Husband thinks it might be due to me clearing out her room two months after she moved out, which I did because she never made any attempt to come get her stuff. I found so much paraphernalia, rotted food (how the heck did I not smell that?!?) and other undesirable things, like used pads stuck to the floor. I was beyond appalled.
I'm definitely the more dominant person in our marriage so it doesn't surprise me too much that the situation is what it is.
By the way, your signature quotes are awesome! I really do appreciate your reply. I feel better now. Thank you SO much.
I think many SM's are the
I think many SM's are the more dominant person in the marriage but, I also think it's by design. The stronger the SM, the less work the BD has to put in. Plus, he gets the bonus of not being the bad guy. This is no doubt why so many find themselves here. Frustrating as hell.
Glad you're feeling better.
Wow, great advice! I got a
Wow, great advice! I got a genuine chuckle out of your comment about him getting an apartment with her if that's how he wants to do things. I told him the very same thing and booooyyyyy did he not like it. Tough! His wife should be his priority, not his spiteful, manipulative, druggie of a daughter. He also knws darn well that if she does get into trouble with the law (I think it is just a matter of time) and he bails her out, we're done. I make a lot more money than him, stood on my own for many years before he appeared on the scene, and I can sure do it again. My heart would be shattered but I will NOT enable the SD.
Thank you so so much for your reply. I do feel a bit more at peace now.
I would also like to
I would also like to recommend counseling for the both of you. Sometimes its better if a neutral 3rd party can give him some insight into what he's doing. It's hard when you're emotionally involved to think clearly about things.
There's always hope. It took my wife about 9 years to finally understand that her kids were draining us financially and mentally, but at least she finally gets it now.
FOUR...good heavens! I
FOUR...good heavens! I applaud you for simply being sane enough to write sentences!
I agree. Counseling is in
I agree. Counseling is in order for both of us. His ex never really let him be a true father and then when he got the chance, she was off the deep end and nothing he said or did helped her. He tried, bless his heart.
My SS was In his early 20s
My SS was In his early 20s when I met him. Bottom of the barrel loser, homeless, jobless addict - drugs and alcohol. I tried to accept him. But finally decided that I just did not need him in my life.
I have nothing to do with SS. I do not care if he is homeless, jobless, etc. Not my problem. My DH loves him and does go see him. But he did not bail him out of jail or pay his fines. SS works in restaurants, and I could get him a job at some of the top restaurants, but I told DH that I would NEVER inflict SS on any of my friends.
SS has sort of cleaned up his life. In reality that just means he's just found a better class of woman to mooch off of. She just had his baby so now he's got an "anchor baby" with her. She has a house, job with benefits, car and a 2 year degree. What she does not have is enough sense not to be involved with a loser like SS - but that is so not my problem. He's still an alcoholic (by his own admission).
My advice is to totally walk away from the loser skid. Just erase her from your life. Do not spend time trying to justify your decision to wash your hands of her. Your DH will just defend her. Refuse to even discuss her more than a nod and an occasional "that's nice."
I in no way forbid DH from seeing his son or grandchild. I do not rant on about what a worthless POS SS is. I just pretty much ignore him. DH has 4 married siblings that I really like - they adore me. I entertain them and get along with them and their children very well. My DH is so grateful every time I have them in town for visits, dinners, etc. I feel that they are now my family too. But SS is not my family. It's working for us.
I like this idea. I've
I like this idea. I've already messed up by telling my husband exactly what I think of his daughter (during an argument...bad bad) and I think that hurt him. You're right. The best I can do now is just cut her out. I'm not even sad about it at this point. Enough is enough.
I don't think he will
I don't think he will actively enable her (anymore) because he does want to stay married and I was clear that I'd walk if he messes up with supporting her. Plus, my dad is a very good divorce attorney...and husband knows it.