Sorry rambling and mistakes-still figuring out how to work this program 

My further explanation disappeared 

Does preview mean the admin reviews first or was that because of the length of post?

he’s 16, in school, has anxiety re parent break up (messy), inherited too, his mother is nutso, always wanted to be friend to her kids, not parent, depression so lots of neglect, manipulation = a kid whose had a tough upbringing but is good at heart.  He’s a follower not a leader, behind in school, always teased, not strong enough to stand up to friends who use him. Dad has been working nights 2 of last 4 years so not as available leaving the boy with me (full time after we adopted as his intense insecurity and jealousy helped him break free of his mother and move in).  

He’s gotten out more in the world and making friends which led him to hanging out in parking lots with car clubs and just talking cars.   Yes till all hours.  But worse since this one friend.

This friend is a girl. Platonic as both have dated others.  She got kicked out of house for getting kicked out of school. She had no where to go, it was winter, we let her stay for a bit.  Didn’t want to but didn’t know her well and we knew he’d just take her time his mothers if we said no.

trying to keep the boy in school till he graduates and get him in a trade school.   If he went to his mothers where the only rule is you like her better than dad.   Anything goes in her house.   No rules.   

We put up with stuff and make decisions trying to keep him making good choices and safe from harm from his mothers lifestyle. 

My husband is a GOOD man.   He’s a great father.  He has been in an awful situation with a crazy woman and doing the best he can.  Even 12 years later she is still a thorn in the side and we can’t afford a lawyer to get updated custody paperwork.   She’s a nightmare - funded by wealthy parents.  

Thr kid has been pretty good but this girl (who he briefly dated) is working him good.  Manipulating him.  She makes him bring her food to her room, makes him stay out later than he wants (‘cause she sleeps all day).  She hasn’t lifted a finger to help out.  They are not a couple but she gets him to give him all his money.  Eg give him gas $ for the week and he’s complaining it’s all gone 2 days later.  (He’s like his mother with $ too - she’s a shopoholic).

she plays the poor me no one cares about me and he can’t say no.  He is often on the outs with her but she plays up the woe is me card and like his dad (too nice) gives in.

oldest kid graduating soon and may move back to town if she can’t find a job.   It was our out!  The unwelcome guest has to go we need the room for one of our own kids. This gets our son out of kicking her out.  But there have been several excuses why she can’t go back to her parents yet.   Me thinks she wants to stay here as her parents won’t put up with her sleeping all day and going out all night.  

Yeah we got ourselves into this and are kinda letting a teen control us. We are just trying to save him from a manipulative mother and friend.  

We had a plan - husband dealing with the by in getting girl out in a way that son can handle.  Girl has already had her friends threaten to beat him up, they hang in sAme social circle so he doesn’t (rightly) want to give it up.

  I blew it.

I lost my temper.

it was the weekend, 2 am not that late for teens.  Too late for my taste but he came home. He doesn’t drink or smoke or so drugs - just vapes as friends do.  Not that interested in girls.  Just cars.  He’s a good boy at heart.

not a saint as we’ve had lots of run ins over 11 years. There’s been drama over my trying to enforce and encourage more normal behaviours with someone used to living with no rules.  He’s like his mother in that if you don’t give him what he wants or  let him do what he wants he won’t like you.  He’s also a teen - hormones raging through him.  Lots of normal.

i used to stress he lived like a pig (as does his mother) but I’ve let go a lot of the filth in his room and bathroom.  If he wants to sleep on a bed and pillows with no sheet or cases that are grey with filth, let him, if he wants to wear the same pair of underwear for a week or not shower let him - his friends will surely tell him he stinks, I let go of the dirty dishes piling up in his room with rotting food then I make his dad bring them up.  Haven’t had bugs yet (like in his mothers house).   I go down 2 flights of stairs 3-4 times weekdays to get him up for school.  He is a very heavy sleeper but going to bed 1-2 am doesn’t help either.  He used to be this little boy who got up every morning with a smile on his face and eager to embrace the day.  A lot of this is just teenage stuff.   Just trying to get through till he graduates.   Mother let middle kid drop out at 16 so needs our help to get school done.  Just trying to get him through teen angst and end up with a diploma for a better start at adulthood than mother would provide.

i say he’s spoiled but when the mother cannot see reason my husband is left trying his hardest to keep his connection with his son so he can influence him for the good.  

But I lost my temper at the friend.  All I had to do was stay in bed, turn up the fan so as not to hear them. I could have just said hey stop throwing bread around my kitchen (as i’m Allergic as she knows) and to keep it down.  

Instead I opened my mouth.  Once I started I’m couldn’t stop. Then I’d gone too far.  I’m 99% positive I didn’t “kick her out” like she told the boy.  I did tell her she should be packing.  It’s a technicality go a teen.  

The boy said if You’re kicking her out I’m going too.  By then husband up and I didn’t let him reason with kid.  I opened my big mouth yet again.  He thinks I don’t like him (for years now) because i don’t shower him with ego stroking comments (as his mother does to manipulate him) and I say no often.  I share my viewpoint.  I foolishly think I can say things that he might “get” something.   We’ve talked over and over that I need to focus on my relationship with him over the rules.  It’s tough when I’m a grown a** adult and I have to decide if it’s ok to do something foolish or unsafe or what any adult would say no to (save for his mother).  I’ve been working hard at lightening up (on normal stuff).  I don’t want other kids going down his path either. 

I took all the blame the other day. Other than the kid no one else did.  The husband did not.  He didn’t want to talk about it but two days later I see it was probably wise - giving up both time to process.  He’s letting go of his anger a bit.  I’m letting go of blaming myself.  He’s scared and worried about his kid - me too.  We’ve spent so many years trying to rescue the boy from his mother and now I’ve driven him back to her.  

I’m hoping and praying that girls parents do in fact take her back and then he’ll move back in with us.  I know he doesn’t like living with his mother.  His stepfather is not nice to him.  He has a strong bond with his daddy.  He hasn’t always hated me. If the girl moves in with her parents and his contact with her is reduced then maybe he’ll get himsel pulled together.  He’s got a full time summer job starting next month (sAme as last year and really enjoyed it).   He’s back into his summer sport too tonight and dad meeting him there.

  I’m feeling slightly more positive.

not out of the woods yet though. 

I wish I’d reached out sooner and discovered this site years ago as a place to vent and rage and listen to others view points in similar situations.  I might not have lost my temper.  (Not all over the girl but parenting conflicts over the boy especially since he moved in, we adopted, economy crashed and $ became a problem.). I realize I do need outlets but 3 kids from trauma backgrounds - can’t ever get away.  Eg. I go to the washroom and second I do boys going at it - verbally or otherwise.  Getting out to walk the dogs, have to take the younger to with me.