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Resentment Toward Step Daughter

semperfi722002's picture

Hello Fellow posters. Let me begin by saying I literally joined this forum 18 minutes ago. I restreated to my bedroom to find some peace. It seems like my bedroom has become my cave (literally & figuratively speaking).
I have been with my boyfriend almost 2 years now. We are engaged to be married next June. With him, comes a malicious, spiteful, and deceitful ex-wife, and her doppleganger in the form of a 15 year old girl. Currently, my fiancee and his ex share 50/50 custody. My SD is a lazy, selfish,rude, and disrespectful little girl. She has no initiative whatsoever, and walks around with a huge sense of entitlement. My fiance & I have lived together for 8 months. The rules in our home is simple: "pick up after yourself". A concept that eludes my SD. She literally will throw trash, food, and her used sanitary napkins into the waste basket in her bathroom. If it hits the trash, great. However, the 9 out of 10 times that it doesn't, that's where it stays: on the floor for her dad or I to pick it up. My fiance & I have sat his daughter down on a number of occasions to "educate" her about the importance of accountability, responsibility, obligation and autonomy. We have implemented the loss of privileges as a consequence for her not picking up after herself. We have had many conversations about the unhealthy aspects of leaving food and used sanitary napkins on the floor. All to no avail. We have now caught her in lying. Lying about her whereabouts, and lying about who she's with. My SD resents coming to our home because she says we have "too many rules" and set "too many boundaries". Things that she never has to contend with at her BM house (according to her). My SD enters a room and NEVER says "hello" or any other greeting. During dinner, when her meal is prepared and the table is set, she will get herself something to drink and offer nothing to those around her. Even when SHE has sleep overs, she wakes up, makes her own breakfast and will not tend to ANY of HER teenage guests. Her BM who is 35 has now remarried a 65 year old retired and wealthy man. My SD repeatedly compares her BM house to our house and the fact that she is not expected to do "as much" at her BM house and she is expected to do at ours: You mean teaching a kid to think of others and clean up after themselves is wrong? Her BM encourages her to act out and went as far as to say that I should not tell my SD what to do in my own house. Am I crazy people? What ever happened to "It Takes A Village..." How can you bond with a child who is so narcisstic? In my profession, I care for those who are ill. I am 1 of 11 children myself. Hand-me-downs and sharing was a part of my upbringing. I can't relate to this childs laziness, lack of empathy, selfishness and narcacism. I have tried outings together, I have tried talking 1 on 1, but all to no avail. The child wakes up every day putting herself: first, foremost, last and always. She even told her dad & I we should be more grateful that she comes over to our home by giving her the things she wants. WHO SAYS THINGS LIKE THAT?
And on a different note, even though my fiance shares a 50/50 custodial arrangement, the BM mother feels my fiance should also pay for 50% of his daughters "social activities" while in the mothers care. We pay 100% of day-to-day costs while SD is in our home. Whatever that entails. Now mother is suing for 50% support while SD is in BM care as well. How the heck is that even reasonable. BM does not work. She doesn't have to. My fiance and I are middle-class wage earners and make a modest living. BM and her new husband both drive Merecedes. SD shares in her mother's expensive taste as well and snubs her nose at anything not Coach, Juicy or Coture. What planet are these people from? This past weekend we wanted to throw a few burgers & hotdogs on the grill, SD frowned and complained that we needed to add lobster & filet mignon. Really.

Help me please. I am now seeing a therapist once a week and attend Mass every Sunday to find a way not to dislike this 15 year old self-appointed queen.

ThatGirl's picture

Stick to your guns and don't start slacking off. If you get lucky, she'll start staying with her mom fulltime. That's what happened with ours Biggrin

semperfi722002's picture

I shall read it, Maybe it will help me find some peace. I feel bad for not liking my teenage SD. That's why I sought therapy. I thought myself as a "bad" person for not being able to bond with my SD. But truth be told, I simply cannot identify with who she is. My parents placed emphasis on all 11 of us becoming educated, independent, contributing members of society and of our community. My parent placed emphasis on being of service to others. It's true, I am 40 with no kids of my own, but I live by the principles taught to me by my parents. I actually find myself wishing my SD gets pregnant, becomes and emancipated minor, so that we can put her butt out. Terrible thought I know, but I am only speaking openly & honestly. I dislike the child.

ThatGirl's picture

If she gets pregnant, you will be worse off. You will be stuck with her once that happens, as she will now be the mother of his first grandchild (which makes her even more entitled than just being his daughter). Trust me, you do not want this!

semperfi722002's picture

Well I definitely agree with you that it's too late "to teach" my SD anything new. I tell my fiancee that all the time. He believes that he can see small changes in her attitude. I tell him that what he sees is wishful thinking and denial. He doesn't want to accept that his daughter is a selfish, self-indulgent brat. He sees the same qualities I do, but thinks that with enough patience her selfishness will somehow fade. I, on the other hand, believe that when she is on her own (at 18 years of age when we put her butt out), and she has to provide for herself, live on her own, and actually work for a living, I think LIFE will give her a swift kick in her a$$ (pardon my language, I mean no disrespect). She has adopted her BM's thinking that "other people" are suppose to provide for her. She feels that her pretty face, and perfect smile is all she'll need to get what she wants in this life. REAL LIFE will show her otherwise. When she doesn't pay her bills, her things will be cut off. When she doesn't show up for work, or does a half-a$$ job, she will be unemployed. My SD will find out quickly that in this LIFE, we sink or swim and everybody pays their own way in one form or fashion. I feel much better thanks to all my fellow posters and yourself taking the time to let me know I am NOT crazy. I am NOT "bad" for disliking my SD. It is difficult to relate to, much less like someone so selfish and self absorbed. She thinks only of herself, and feels "entitled" to so much. She treats her father as though it is HE who should be grateful for HER presence. She takes, takes, takes, and gives nothing back in return. Not a "thank you". Not a "I appreciate you". Not even a "Thank God I have a father who wants me." No my SD has a long way to go before she understands what her father and I do. But one day LIFE will open her eyes. The best I can hope for is to keep my sanity intact and look forward to her 18th birthday. Her room will be converted into our home office.

oneoffour's picture

You seriously need a few comeback lines....

A)If I find another sanitary pad on the floor I will take a picture, put it on Facebook and link your name to it with a nice little description of what it is and who dumped it there. So all your riends can see the slob you are.

Dirol Fillet mignon? Really? Not on this grill. And grilled lobster? Sorry sweetie, wrong season and we will not EVER eat frozen lobster.Only peasants eat grilled mignone and lobster. Ew! EVeryone knows you have to pan sear it and ..... well you know the rest.

C) Oh, so this isn't good enough for you? What a shame. Oh well, leftovers for tomorrow then!

D) So you think we are LUCKY to have you over here? I'll get back to you on that. Honey, I think you are under the impression you are Paris Hiltons long lost sister... nope.

The one thing to remember is one day the money pit will dry up for her. And then she is back to hotdogs on the grill with everyone else. It WILL happen.

clairedelune's picture

We had the used sanitary pads hidden in places in her room. It smelled like a dirty old cunt in there. I had her father tell her and she was very embarassed. She stopped for a while but now found her blood covered jeans in a corner with the same smell! Disgusting!
Hang in there!

Helen01's picture

completely relate to a lot of this. My situation is so so similar except my husband has full custody, her bm pays nothing and contributes to nothing but sd uses her bm to buy her unnecessary things so she then feels like she’s a great mom. She stays at her moms when she wants to now because she gets away with anything there

Kopfschmerz's picture

I can so relate to your situation. My SD is probably a little more respectful and not a queen but definitely a little princess. We just had a huge drama.

I lost some socks and found them in her room. She said she has no clue how they were there. My God- 3 pairs of socks! You dont know how it got there. So I made a little joke "maybe the socks, look like feet and just walked there". 

She went to her room and went berserk - saying I was making fun of her. Yes, I made a joke but it's not on her. 

Then drama started, she confronted me. Said I was not sensitive, making fun of her, bla bla bla. Went into hyperventilation, ran out of the house at 30F, cried for over 30minutes. 

I told her off too, I caught her telling me lies etc and that gets me mad at her but she totally denied everything. 

She claims she has mental issues. She does not know how to handle them. She insisted on seeing a therapist. We brought her there although we dont think it will do anything. Now I think I need a therapist too - I dont know how to deal w her  Or rather I dont want to deal w her. I have 2 smaller kids and I dont want them to see this drama!

She leaves her room in total mess all the them. I have beared with it for a year and I cannot take this shit anymore. She will leave food in the room for days, open snack packages littering all over the room. Bottles of soda everywhere. And she takes stuffs fr the study, my kids rooms and do not put them back. Whenever I ask, "I dont know" - but you will find it in her room. It got so bad we labelled her room Bermuda Triangle.

There is nothing much I can do - cant tell her off, cannot tell at her - she might kill herself. So I just vent!

Rags's picture

Yes you can tell her off.  Time for zero tolerance and total confrontation of her crap.  Start taping her disgusting room,  take pics of your socks in her room, etc.....  if she lets food rot in her room take pics, bag all of her messy crap and dump it in the curb on garbage day. 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Curious Georgetta's picture

with her dad for a significant amount of time,  were there not rules in place before your arrival?