Recent find in SD's room terrifies me!!
New to the site, actually just found it today as I was hunting for some resources and this seemed like a good place to vent so here it goes. My SD and my biological son have been gone since school let out visiting relatives. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together six. His daughter has lived with him since she was about 3, I first met her when she was nine. Extremely intelligent child, pretty well natured etc until she hit puberty and the mood swings came. God blessed me with sons for a reason (the eldest is 23 and on his own, my other son who also loves with us is 16. I happened to find myself in my SDs room looking for the vacation and while there recalled a conversation she had with her dad a few months ago in which she asked her dad for birth control so that her periods would be regulated. I asked her specifically if this was the only/real reason she wanted BC. She assured me yes. Well, me being me, when posed with a conumdrum I look for the answer. Boy did I find more than I bargained for. I found a note in her room that apparently was written in school to/with a classmate, back and forth where she indicates that her dad comes into her room, turns on the light and stares at her. She said she was afraid that he was going to rape her! (Let me back track a bit here and say that she lost the door to her room a month or so ago because she was not maintaining even a slightly clean room. It was full of trash, food leavings etc and would not clean it so she lost her privacy priviledge). Well this same note also made mention of her new boyfriend who is 18 (we've met him, actually like the geek) and her desire to give him oral sex (not as politely worded) but that he wouldn't let her. This note sent me into a tail spin. As an incest survivor this was so not a matter I would take lightly. I know my husband very well but after letting him read the letter I asked him if he ever touched her. I absolutely had to ask, I absolutely had to look him in the eyes when he answered. He vehemantly denied which I totally believe. Well the SD came home today and it is very awkward here because neither of us has broached the subject to her and frankly I am not sure it will be broached as is my husbands way with her. In addition to this note, I found an old prescription of mine (full of harmless pills but other than her taking them from my bathroom I cannot figure out how she got them, we have NEVER shared a bathroom and I have never offered anything more than an aspirin), hidden in a drawer in her room, a mountain dew bottle filled with something not mountain dew but I don't know if its alcohol and so many notebooks full of horrible song lyrics and poems about suicide and bleeding and just yuk stuff in addition to other notes to friends that intimates shes a cutter. It's been very recently that we discovered she has been stealing stuff from my room. Again no punishment from dad. Depression runs rampant in my husbands family so I am terrified for both of them frankly. I'm at my wits end and can't wait nor afford an appointment with my therapist right now.
Any offerings? suggestions, words of wisdom on what the hell I should do? I'm sure I am missing some integral parts of the story but I had to hurry, hubby just popped into the shower.
wow....I saw your post and
wow....I saw your post and saw nobody had responded yet and just wanted to at least say my heart goes out to you. I don't know what to make of it either. I would have done what you did too -- asked my husband, saw his reaction, then went from there. She could really be doing this, or she could be saying these things to her friends for attention -- there is that possibility. Have you ever seen any evidence of her cutting? If she is a cutter, there would be evidence. The comment she made to her friend about her dad -- that is an awful thing to say about her dad. If I was your husband, I would want to sit down with her and confront her about it -- especially if he is innocent. But you should both be together in the room to talk it over with her because it does not sound like she may be running with a full deck at the moment.
The songs and poems is definitely concerning -- and she could be dealing with depression. Are you close enough with her that she might share with you? I know if it was me I would sit my husband down and tell him that we absolutely needed to talk to daughter and this was why. Flat tell him you are concerned that she is suicidal -- ie the cutting (possible), the songs, the poems, the sexual behavior, etc. The more I read it the more concerning it is ... I'm sure you're therapist would say the same thing. Sounds like the daughter needs a therapist and quick. Is BM in the picture?
I hope that nothing is going
I hope that nothing is going on in your home! If SD is making all of this up ,like it seems, all of you (DH, BS, and YOU)need to be careful around SD! If she is going to lie about something like that, she could make anything up! I would NOT want to be alone with her no matter what. She could ruin ANY of your lives with just one lie! Not worth it! I would def. take her to a therapist and sit down with DH and SD to talk about the findings. Don't ignore it b/c she obviously needs help. Sorry you guys are dealing with this!
Thank you all for your kind
Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions/support. As background info, her BM is an addict, has had several other children by several men after my SD. We've been together 6 years and she has seen her BM 3-4 times during that time period and this is definitely not us denying her access. She pays no CS, texts vs calls and is in general a pretty crappy "mom".
I waited last night to see if DH would bring this up at all to either if us and he did not. I think that disturbs me more than anything. I've lived with secrets way to much and way to long in my own life to perpuate any more ever. If he thinks he is being kind to me for not "outing" me for snooping he needs to rethink that issue. His primary response after the initial denial to my direct question was that she had to leave his house, he was not dealing with her disrupting us but where the freak is she going to go?!
As a woman who has been abused before I have always been overly sensitive with my boys and my SD. I have never been one to blindly allow my children to stay anywhere that I didn't feel comfortable and know the folks pretty well. Unfortunately again, my DH is not like that with his daughter. This has always frustrated me. For instance, about 4 years ago, he allowed her to stay overnite at a neighbors house, whose parents we knew to wave to but not to have over for dinner or even their names. The next day when he picked her up, coincidentally she started her period. This could have been a coincidence but I have always wondered about that. The neighbors had a teenage cousin or stepson that stayed there from time to time and he was a little off. I of course asked her about it then but she denied it. I got to have the "talk" about being a "woman" with her (not fair to me, I hadn't rehearsed this as I think most mothers do from birth with girls!) but interestly enuff her next cycle was almost 8 months later and came monthly at that point. For the first time since we married, I am seriously of a mind to leave because now there is a seed of doubt that should never be there. I cannot look either of them on the eye right now, and have very little interest in being with either of them at this time. I don't want to feel as though I am running away from problems but rather running to my own sanity. I no good to anyone the way I am in this moment. My constitution is usually very strong but I feel sick to my stomach and not in control of my emotions. So unlike my normal me.
I so appreciate your offerings/suggestions, words of encouragement, please feel free to add whatever, it's actually keeping me a little sane and grounded being able to get this off my chest as I figure out what to do in this moment.
Oh wow! Can you and DH or
Oh wow! Can you and DH or just YOU take her to see a gyno?
Sure we can take her but they
Sure we can take her but they are not legally obligated to tell us anything. Tonight I pick my son up at the airport but I am going to make time and put the effor tforth to talk her dad into getting her back into counseling. She has been in the past when she told someone at school (middle school) she had suicidal thoughts. That kid did the right thing and told an adult who told the school counselor who called us and we put her into counseling where she didn't talk/share anything. It was a great waste of time and money. I guess this is round 2. Say prayers for me please.
I hate being in my own home
I hate being in my own home now. That saddens me a great deal as it should be/was my oasis. I found myself hanging out at the grocery store way longer than necessary the other day. I want to talk but I feel like only venom will come out so I've been uncharacteristically silent. There's been no "talk", no come to jesus meetings and no freaking change. WHat to freaking do???!!!! This is not what I signed up for.....or is it??
was i wrong to snoop? am i
was i wrong to snoop? am i getting what i asked for?? i would not have done it had I not been trying to make sense of nonsense she spewed regarding the reason she wanted BC. I am however, not a believer that a kids room is there own personal haven. Oh no, they are just leasing space in my home, SD or BS. If I am given a reason to NOT trust ...well, theres no trust.
sheesh i am distraught....
hi --- i know what you mean.
hi --- i know what you mean. I've come to the realization that I won't snoop in my skids rooms anymore. What I don't know can't hurt me. My SS22 had a journal -- I read it -- read some of the most hurtful, nasty, vindictive, painful things ever in it. Things I wish I could take back. I never could tell her I'd gone in there either. I literally felt the breath leave my lungs and felt like I was having a hard time breathing after I'd read it. What good did it do me? Nothing. Her father didn't want to do anything. All it made me do was resent her. Plus, she didn't want help for the other stuff.
As for your SS -- if there were outwards signs of cutting, etc., then maybe you could do something about it. But if your DH is one of those typical DHs that likes to put his head in the sand and pretend that everything is perfect and peechy keen --- then you almost have to get an attitude of "I don't care" in your mind, to keep from going insane. Please know that I know your not insane -- you're probably the most sane one in the home. But it helps.
I'm starting to try and do this with my skids. It's so hard. I just want them to be productive adults that are successful. That's all. Rather than lazy and slothful, but hey, whatever. My youngest skid SD 16, has been incredibly irritable, mean, nasty, bitchy, moody, depressed -- I tried talking to her about and where did it get me -- nowhere! All she did was make fun of me for talking to her about it -- she she can go suck it! I guess that's where it gets me for caring and showing my emotions, and trying to help her. No more. Screw her. Sorry ---
but back to you....do you think you can talk to her and would it do any good? Would your DH back you on this?
Thanks for replying and for
Thanks for replying and for your suggestions, momof5. I do appreciate it and u r right I have to develop the attitude of I don't care but that is difficult for me because I do love her and want her to make good choices to be, as u should, productive and successful in life. How do you turn that inate mother gene off? Do u think the moods of your SD16 are typical teen angst or something more? I say snoop! Just kidding, well maybe a little. Your SD22, please tell me she no longer lives with you. I'm sorry she said awful things about you. I'm sure you tried to do your best with them and they just turn it to victim status every time. Teenage girls are difficult, I get that, I was one and what a doozy. But it sucks to have your hands tied because you are not the BP. I have snooped on my BC too, 2 boys 23(when he lived at home) and 16. I have always let them know that they should not expect privacy if they ever gave me a reason to question behavior. IE, found a note in the older boys room from some tramp re: what she wanted to do with him when he was about 15. It was so time to reiterate the "talk" especially safe sex. I understand when u say what you don't know can't hurt you. I think that there are some things that can hurt you just the same, ie if my son was fully prepared (wearing protection) i would have been a grandma way before my time. Same with SD and younder BS.
Would my DH back me? Here's a typical example. She has the chore of washing dishes. Yes we have a dish washer so typically there are relatively few dishes to be cleaned daily. At most a few pots and pans. She has been washing dishes since she was about 8-9 years old with an instruction from her dad, me and her older cousin along the way. Last year I noticed her washing dishes without a dish pan (I threw it out because she never cleaned it before or after)or a sink of water. Instead the water was running into a fairly open drain but the bottom of the sink was full of food that hadn't been washed down the garbage disposal. I told her immediately that you cannot get clean dishes with so much gross stuff in the bottom of the sink, you have to rinse that down the disposal, clean the sink, run sudsy water etc. Well I then became the bad guy for telling her she wasn't doing something right. According to her dad, my DH, I made her feel like she couldn't do anything right. So I started telling him when things needed to be attended to. Ie. the freaking dishes sitting in the sink for several days at a time. (this bothers me like crazy) More often them not I would just do the darned dishes, unload the dishwasher etc myself as opposed to have to hear him say "E (SD) will u do the dishes so S (me) can stop bugging me about it. Or "E dont' use the guest bath anymore S is tired of cleaning up after you." Not clean up after yourself, not this is your chore do it and do it right but S is getting on my nerves bugging me about it. So frankly I am not of a mind that he would back me up in other areas.
At the very least he needs to have a chat with SD about her behaviors, lies, cutting, sex talk etc that she is choosing to tell people.
Re: the cutting, I'm not sure that we would see the evidence if she choose to cut in places that were always covered by clothing, ie her thighs, stomach etc. I did notice just yesterday she had multiple rubber bracelets (the kind that have words of encouragement on them)on one wrist and I wondered if she was covering something up with that.
Today is a new day I am going to try to say "screw it" and move on mentally with eyes wide open.
Yes SD22 is now out of the
Yes SD22 is now out of the house -- we kicked her out/she moved out. It got really bad at the end, and honestly I think she was looking for a reason to move out and I was the scape goat for her. She took an opportunity to get pissed off at me, blew it out of proportion, so that I was the bad guy, she was the victim, so that she had no place to live, she could then tell her boyfriends parents "oh poor me, my parents are so awful and mean and terrible and I'm pregnant and having your son's baby and need a place to live." She wanted to live with him, and he wasn't moving fast enough for her I guess and this just sped up the process. So she is now living with her boyfriend and his parents. haha --- she is their problem now. Only a matter of time until her crazy comes out. I told my husband under no circumstances is she to be allowed to come back, or I'm gone.
As for the 16 year old -- I don't know what her problem is unless her sister has gotten to her, or if she is struggling with depression. She is extremely overweight, so I wouldn't be surprised if she was. But I can't help her if she doesn't want it. She's always been quite moody, but she usually snaps out of it. This time its just continuing on for a lot longer than normal. I'm just tired of it.
The comment that you made that the step says you make them feel like they can't do anything right made me laugh out loud because my SD 16 does that! She is supposed to clean the bathroom, and usually does a half assed job (everytime) -- so I make her re-do it until it's done right. I'd do that with my own daughter, and have done that, if she did the same thing! But because she's my step daughter I'm supposed to tip toe around her precious little feelings? What happens when she is in the real world and does a crappy job on the job? I even told her that.
We've been married for 4 1/2 years, and she is finally now "getting it" -- (almost) that its best to do it "right" the first time around, or she's going to be doing it again. The biggest thing that I have going for me is that their BM is not in the picture (due to a restraining order) so thankfully I don't have to deal with her undermining me.
I hope things were better today.
SD22 does have contact with her BM and I know that is why we have so much trouble with SD22.
I think seeing a therapist is a great idea. I'm actually considering doing the same thing. I have a friend who has been seeing a therapist, and I thought about asking her for her therapist's name and going to her. We'll see.
I'm glad you and your husband had a good talk. That is helpful.
About your SD and DH: I don't
About your SD and DH: I don't know :). If I did, well, I'd be able to create a sister site with "all the answers!" for this one.
Your posts questioning whether you should have snooped, and especially the "am I getting what I deserved" and "is this just what I signed up for?" do make me think that you deserve a professional to talk to. I had a nut-nut-nutty childhood, and as an adult, I tend to blame myself for things that are not my fault. It's not like I don't still have to process them, but my first reaction (what did I do wrong, and how can I fix this immediately?) is a lot more about what I needed to do to make it as a child than what is best for me to do as an adult.
I still see someone, and it is hugely helpful. So sorry that you are dealing with this in your home. Family in the best of circumstances isn't easy, and, as I am finding out with a 13 year old SS, can be really really hard when there are additional wrinkles. Big virtual hug, you're not alone, you didn't do anything wrong, and I'm glad you found this site :).
Thanks Determined. I'm
Thanks Determined. I'm positive the DH is innocent or I would be gone WITH the SD believe me.
I called my therapist office, who I last saw a year ago or so, and unfortunately she is no longer there. It was a single private practice so I am not really sure what my next move will be. I agree I want to talk to someone about everything. I was just really comfortable with her. Sheesh.
DH and I had the first heart to heart today. Went okay i guess, still a little raw for me so it will take a while. I wish her mother was a, well, a mother. I'd trade weekends with someone!!
Hi Determined. I just wanted
Hi Determined. I just wanted to chime in regarding the nutty childhood and the blaming of yourself as an adult. That gut reaction to "fix and fix FAST!" is a bitch, isn't it? I still have not been able to overcome it. I am able to recognize it and think my way though it but that has literally nothing to do with the rage of feelings inside me. They are not calmed by something so silly as thinking! I have a SS16, a SD14 and a SD12. There is no shortage of chaos in my home every other weekend and every Wednesday. And it is all my fault. Right??????? Best of luck to you in your struggle with this pickle we all got ourselves into!
You know just as I was
You know just as I was gaining an almost even equilibrium with my DH, and just as I was coming around to not just talking at but talking to my SD...heavy sigh.
The DH calls today (while I am I work where I still am) and says that the SD just left the house, didn't ask to go, didn't say where she was going nothing and wasn't answering her cell. After not getting a response the DH drove around the park directly across the street from our house and lo and behold sees his child and some body kissing and groping in the park. Well long story short (too late I know), he demands she go home and apparently picks this kid up (not the same body she was writing about giving a BJ to a few weeks ago!!!!)and throws him to the ground, hopefully on the grass but I have no idea. At any rate, h egathers some rational thinking process and apologizes to the kid explains that he would understand if he ever had any girl children etc etc. I asked him what he did to his daughter. He said he went back home and sent her back to the park!! Are you freaking kidding me?!??!?! Absolutely no repercussions for any action she does is what brings me to the point where I say F this!! I am so mad right now I don't eeven think I want to go straight home after work. Am I wrong? Should there be a punishment for just upping and leaving AND totally disrepecting yourself and US by behaving like a dog in heat in a public park?
I'm sure you know that acting
I'm sure you know that acting out sexually can be a sign of sexual abuse. I'm going to urge you to really look into this.
heavy sigh, well the talk was
heavy sigh, well the talk was had a few weeks ago. I let it all hang out as they say and took no excuses as answers from SD. Basically, she admitted she was just "talking" shit because she was mad at her father. She had the good grace to look busted, act busted and look ashamed as she should have been. It's a big relief to have this weight off my shoulders and I'm sure DH feels the same. I don't know where we go from here...well ya I do. Doing the same stuff over and over trying to do the right thing or at least the right thing at that moment. Trying to heal. I cannot tell u what this summer has done to my blood pressure.
We did have the "talk" as well about boys and birth control and she swears she hasn't had sex and has no intentions but i told her I don't know whether I believe that but I certainly dodn't trust it enuff to not put her on BC which is not by any means condoning sexual behavior but with how she has been acting and indicating to her friends etc its just a matter of time. I agree that sometimes sexual behavior can be because there is or was an issue. Other times sexual behavior can be because u want to fit in, can't say no, just want to do it. There are so many emotions and hormones running thru the teenage body that there is no telling what the real deal is and why. She is not ready to a mother and I am not raising grandbabies.
Let her get on birth control.
Let her get on birth control. If she's doing, then she's doing it. If she's not you want her to be safe when she does. Do you really want to be stuck helping your husband raise her child. She sound very immature and that's where you're headed if you don't help her keep herself safe.
My dad's ex-girlfriend went through my room once. She found a notebook where my boyfriend I had written down baby names. We had only been together 6 months, and I was only 15. We weren't having sex, we were just having a conversation about what it would be like if we one day (A LONG TIME IN THE FUTURE) had kids. She told my dad that she knew my boyfriend were having sex, even though we were both still virgins. He belived her, and almost forced my boyfriend and I to break up. Which to a 15 year old girl is the worse thing EVER. Even though we were able to stay together, it's a rift that it caused a rift between my boyfriend and my father that still hasn't closed even though my boyfriend and I have now been together for 3 years.
Although your step daughter doesn't deserve your trust, going through her room may turn out to be worse than letting her father figure things out on her own. It may make her hate you more in the long run. And she certainly won't trust you. I would tell the father the next time you think there is something fishy going on and tell him that you believe he should go through her room.