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Question about SS17 moving in

HermosaVogue's picture

Long time lurker yada yada... 

I typed out a big, long post but deleted it in favor if cutting straight to the chase. 

Brief background: lax BM and husband who is called “dad”, excluded DH (and I) and made shitty parenting choices. Now child support is soon to be up (call me a cynic!) BM can no longer deal with SS’s, to be expected, shitty behaviour. 

How many of you would allow your 17 yr old step to move in if BM kicked them out? 

momjeans's picture

So, BM sees the end of her custodial parent money train of CS coming to an end, and she wants to return her damaged goods to dad? Shocking. /sarcasm

HermosaVogue's picture

Yes, I unfortunately predicted this would happen years ago before we were even married and DH and I agreed at that time that we wouldn’t open our home. Much harder to stick by now it’s happening. One time I wish I had been proven wrong. 

Kes's picture

No I wouldn't.  In fact this very situation came up a few times, but a) our house isn't big enough owing to the haemorrhage of cash in NPD BM's direction for so many years, and b) more importantly I don't care for  my step daughters enough to have one of them living with us.  Both have tried in the past, and I have vetoed the idea. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Years ago I would have considered it out of fairness to my DH. But if SD asked to move home while in college or thereafter, it would be a big fat no from me. I know how she behaves, and thus how the situation would turn out - likely in divorce.

In your case, your SS is 17, but how soon is his 18th bday?

HermosaVogue's picture

In 6 months but he doesn’t have any chance of further study and will be lucky to be able to finish school at this stage. Best we are hoping is that he gets a reasonable fulll time job. 

RisingtheWave80's picture

No way and DH would agree 100%. BM doesn't get to screw up a kid then say "Here you deal with it" and if by chance I was okay with it, there would be concreted rules, expectations, and a time line for them to move out once they reach 18.

HermosaVogue's picture

We would also have boundaries, expectations, a timeline and consequences.... all things which I think will mean it will never actually happen. 

Harry's picture

No way, not after BM screw up the kid. Now CS is ending she no longer want him.  This kid will most likely end your marriage. Because if BM can not stand her own kid.  How are you.?  

ishouldrun's picture

SS17's mom is telling him that as soon as he turns 18 and she isn't getting her high-dollar CS she is going to put her house up for sale and he has to find somewhere else to live.  Great, after you have spent years PAS'ing him to the point he only talks to his dad when he wants money and doesn't talk to me at all you want to drop your spoiled, entitled, lazy brat off at MY house and say here you go.  Everyday is a teeter-totter for me on this.  Some days I think Oh Hell No, not a chance in He!! Other days I think I love my SO and he has had to live with my kids so I owe him the courtesy of at least making an effort.  But there will be long sit down meeting at a place other than my home and lots of issues will be discussed about rules, chores, respect and just how long do you plan on living here.  I've tried hard to raise my kids to be hard-working, caring, respectful people; BioSkank has raised this kid to think that he is better than everyone else and should be treated so.  Just thinking about it makes me sick. At the end of the day if I get any push-back from my SO I am going to suggest that he move out and get a place for him and his son until his son launches.  Life is just too short to be this stressed out over Skids that were not raised with manners or just common decency. 


HermosaVogue's picture

Yes! And as much as I don’t enjoy being around SS I do think it’s sad that a young man has been set up for such failure by his mom and worry that if we don’t step in things will turn out even worse. He’s been caught stealing, lying, taking drugs etc. But I think where we have landed is that the rules we would have would mean it wouldn’t work for anyone involved and so won’t happen... and that bio mom is going to have to sit in the mess she has created. It would take a long time to get SS on a better path, if it’s even possible at all at this age and stage. 

I don’t think you should feel like you owe your partner anything except to support him while expressing and  maintaining your own boundaries. 

Katylouu's picture

Nothing good can come from this situation.  You can't  teach an old dog new tricks and at 17 he should have plans to head to college which would give her the break she needs.. I'd let BM fix her mess.

Rags's picture

Nope, BM gets to deal with the disaster she caused.  I would not let a child that participated in being PASd by a toxic parent to be passed (pun intended) off on my marriage by the toxic parent once the CS gravy train runs out.

I would support, advise, advocate for, and guide but... I would not allow the shit storm created by the toxic parent to invade my life once the PAS'd child aged out from under the CO.


HermosaVogue's picture

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses. It’s super comforting to know others get it, and I feel validated reading them! 

Harry's picture

You are not going to change him.  It’s going to be a hell hole if he moves in.  

ChTown's picture

We just did this (I just posted about SS19 causing a rift), and I don't recommend it. I went for the "I'll support your decision, and we can work through it together," crap, too. Cut to the chase: We're a month in, and it's ruining our family. And, SS19 isn't actually doing anything WRONG, per se--it's simply a huge change to the family dynamic (especially when you already have 2 teens living in your home). I would say NO. I wish I could go back and say no. I would say it loud. Fervently. And mean it. 

ETA: Funny, but until I caught your "CS is up" comment, I didn't think about that myself. This would have been my SS's first summer at his BM's house without CS coming in.