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Put a bullseye on her and send her into the field...what are you thinking BM???

JacksGal's picture

Venting alert!!

SD13 was invited to a Bar Mitzvah next month. She has almost no friends and is pretty much at the bottom rung of the social ladder at school.

BM is the laziest person I've ever met. She's packed on the pounds the last two years or so and is about 350 pounds but thinks dieting is "not worth being unhappy" so she refuses. She gets winded walking from room to room. She wears shorts or spandex all the time, rarely showers and her long hair hangs in an oily mess around her face because she can't be bothered to do anything with it. She had pain in her legs and other health issues. She is banned from our pool if the kids come over on a hot day because despite all this, she insists on wearing a bikini and it's revolting. She has sleep apnea and refused to get a CPAP machine because "it makes you forgot how to breathe" until she had her THIRD car accident in about three months. (the kids weren't in the car for any of them)

Dad and I talk to SD about dresses for this party as the dress code is "club dress" and she doesn't own a dress at the moment to my knowledge much less a club dress. She says BM is going to give her one of her old dresses. The kid is skinny as a rail and unless the dress was from the 80's, it would never fit. It's not a money issue, it's BM being too lazy to go shopping as BF offered to pay for a nice dress. So, we go to the mall and stop in Charlotte Russe to look at a few ideas.

The next day, BM races her off to the store and buys her a dress. If it was an appropriate dress, that would be fine, but the thing is too big and too old for her. It hangs on her like a sack. Even SS15 thinks she looks ridiculous in it and said it's not what the girls wear. We decide to wait until next time she's here to talk to her about it.

She arrives yesterday and I broach the subject of the dress. She says she and BM came up with a solution, it fits better if she wears it backward!

This poor child has little to no self esteem, few friends and her mother thinks it's ok to send her off to this party in a ridiculous dress made more ridiculous by wearing it backwards! I asked her if she really wants to make herself a target instead of people thinking she looks nice. She parroted BM by saying "I don't like to dress up, I like to be comfortable" which is what BM says when anyone tries to suggest she shape herself up. SD has long hair that just hangs around her face too because BM can't be bothered with her having even just bangs to help give it some shape and gave the kid hell when we took her for a haircut and she wanted bangs. She made the kid grow them out.

BM has commented on how teenage girls can be cruel, but she purposely plans on sending her own daughter out to become the ridicule of the party? What kind of parent does this???

SD and her Dad had a talk again today and he reiterated he would be happy to pay for a nice dress so she can look beautiful when she goes to this party and he plans on having another talk with BM about her not helping this young girl get herself together for life. Somehow I think it will fall on deaf ears. She is with us the day of the party and I'm hoping her father holds his ground that it's HIS time so we can get her ready. If I have to, I'll buy a few dresses a few days before and return what she doesn't use.


twoviewpoints's picture

If it's Dad's day to have the SD, I'd just do it. Give the party goer a treat to an all out re-do (hair, nails, toes) and I'd swing by and pick up three or four dresses with footwear that would go with any of the dresses.

Lay the dresses out on the bed before dressing and let her try on and select which of the selections she'd like to wear (including the one BM purchased). Put her in front of a mirror and let her see the wonderful potential she has and be sure to let her know it's totally ok with whichever she picks (you can return the rejects). Keep in mind the girl's desire to feel comfortable while doing your can teach her that comfortable doesn't need be too big or to boring, it's all in knowing how to shop with a tasteful eye.

You just have to be careful that you don't say or do anything that will make the SD feel poorly about the dress BM bought. Dad is just offering up alternatives. You can even show SD your closet (not to wear but to show example) on how much fun it is to have decisions and how one evening you feel like 'this' while on another event you feel like 'that'. I think the 'SD gets to choose' and hair/make-up dress-up session the SD will eventually select on of the dresses Dad provided...but do not bat an eye if she goes with BM's can't change a person who doesn't want to change. If she really now wants to go as the beautiful young lady in the ugly ducking outfit, you're going to have to let her decide. Out of some sense of loyalty to BM, or because she has really doesn't feel herself in the other outfits she may still desire to wear the ill fitting dress.

furkidsforme's picture

Stop putting the little girl you admit has no backbone and no social skill in the middle of this. You openly admit she can't navigate these kinds of relationship waters.

HELP HER. Take her shopping for some appropriate clothes for school and get her a nice Bar Mitzvah dress. Tell her to bring the terrible dress with her if he mom gives her a hard time, but that she doesn't have to wear it. Then start giving her some comebacks to defend herself when her own mother ridicules her for wanting to look nice.

Simple things- But I like the way this looks on me. I like this style of dress/shirt/pants. This is my favorite outfit and I enjoy wearing it.

JacksGal's picture

She doesn't have backbone, and doesn't see that her Mom is holding her down. She also thinks she is popular and all the boys in school like her. She was the smelly girl in class until she got that under control recently. They're making fun of her and we've tried to gently tell her that, but she chooses to live this fantasy and BM doesn't do anything to teach her about it either. I've taken her shopping many times in the past, but BM told her all the clothes we got weren't good or that I was trying to make her into something she wasn't. We have spent hundreds of dollars on clothes that she never once wore. SD helped pick them out and liked them until BM told her they were bad. I was the one that took her to get her hair done and encouraged a different style, we caught hell for it, but she did too from her mother. I take her for mani/pedi's, which she doesn't like because BM tells her she's not a girly girl. Any time we're in a store I encourage her to find new clothes and even tried the "don't you want this? All the other girls are wearing this style" routine to at least make her less of a fashion target, despite BM usually trashing them to the point the kid won't wear them or she returns them to buy her t-shirts. One time she brought back a big bag of clothes we had bought and when I asked what was wrong with each one, she told me that she didn't like the sleeves on one...yet she was wearing a shirt with the exact same sleeves at that moment. When I pointed that out, she looked totally guilty. I knew she was telling me what her mother coached her to say.

We did take her to a store to get some ideas for the Bar Mitzvah party dress, we were going to buy her a dress when we didn't have her brothers with us, but BM rushed her out and bought one before we could get her a nicer dress. BM knows it's too big "But it's the one she wanted" was the excuse. Her father plans on buying her another dress but has to lay into BM so she doesn't sabotage the whole thing.

SD is clueless that her mother is holding her back, she is a very compliant child and truly believes what her mother tells her. She is clearly conflicted and goes into shutdown when put in the middle which only makes things worse. I'm trying to keep her out of the middle which I think causes more harm than good in this kid.

blayze's picture

UGH. That sucks. And it seems like you and BF are just trying to do the right thing for her. Sad It's tough all the way around...


I'm not sure why BF is planning to talk to BM about this. What can really be gained from it? BM doesn't care about presenting herself well, but she obviously cared enough about her daughter to go out and buy a dress...does BF really want to step on her toes? He's not going to change her.

And since she knew that you went to Charlotte Russe to look at a few ideas her running out and buying a new dress was BM trying to one-up you guys. Either way, I think YOU should stay out of it. Wink

If SD wants to look better at the event, have BF take her shopping, and during the trip talk to this young lady about how to have tough conversations with her mom... teach her. Role play or something. Because it sounds like she doesn't even feel comfortable sharing her opinions with her mother. If she thought she looked ridiculous in it, why couldn't she say that to mom and NOT get the dress? At 15, I definitely was able to do that! She has to learn that skill if she's going to survive 1) a mom with issues and 2) the real world. Smile

Lastly, if she thinks she looks fine in the dress and is okay wearing it, let her go and deal with the natural consequences. If she's not smart enough to realize that looks have a correlation with self-esteem (i.e. when you value your personal presentation, you feel better about yourself), then that's her little red wagon. We can't shield our kids from all the effects of their dumb choices. Either grow up and have a conversation with your mother and get a dress that actually looks good on you or go to the party with that inappropriate dress on and continue being socially awkward. These are choices that are not gonna kill anybody. She's old enough to make them herself.

JacksGal's picture

BF did have a shouting match with BM yesterday. SS15 backed him up, bless his soul, and BM wasn't able to tell him he didn't know what he was talking about like she did the other times he tried to tell his Mom that the dress wasn't appropriate for his sister because Dad was there. BF is going to take her for a new dress. She is at our house the day of the party so he told BM he would make sure she was prepared for the party and to stay out of it. We are going to go shopping with her next time she is here and will probably have my 25 year old daughter come along to help as she is more of a "big sister" kind of role model for SD. Hopefully my daughter will be able to take the parental sting out of it and help her choose something in a more fun manner. BF will do all the work on this, but he likes to have me along because I'm a girl myself Smile and he is partially color blind and worries he's seeing something different than everyone else is. He will cart her around all morning getting her toes, hair and makeup done without complaint the day of the party because is a good Dad and the kids all know that they can depend on him if they need anything. I just wish SD could see that Mom has issues like SS15 has come to realize.