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Please Help, New Jealous Stepmother!!

stepmonster_85's picture

Hello,

I'm new in this forum and the truth is I kind of feel better now that I know there are many that feel like I do. I've been living with BF for 4 years and we have a great relationship. I just recently met his daughter who is 15 and I can't stand her.

I hate seeing how she holds my BF's hand as if they're a couple, they are just on top of each other and I can't stand it. When she is around him she even changes her voice-tone and speaks like a little girl, like a baby and I hate it!! I hate her personality!! Examples of things I hate are that instead of asking her dad for money she would say things like, "Oh, I love your shoes, I wish I had a pair like yours, I always wear this same old shoes because I have no money to buy more." So my BF will say "OH poor baby, I'll give her more money. She's such a good girl, she never asks me for anything!" FU$%&$!! I'm so pissed!

When he's not around she will talk about her "mommy" non-stop and say comments like "I had such a happy childhood, my family was perfect. My dad loved my mommy so much" and stuff like that. One day I was wearing pink lipstick and she made this comment saying pink lipstick is for prostitutes. When my BF is around she is the sweetest girl in the universe and when he's not watching she will just ignore me or "insinuate" awful things about myself. She even told my sister-in-law she hates me, but she only says nice things about me to her father so he won't believe the things she says to me.

I think I wouldn't be so bothered if she acted the same way when my BF is around, it's just the fact that she's such a hypocrite that I hate! I'm even afraid of her, she's too young to act like this, with such control, to me she's evil.

I've never been rude to her and always say nice things to her, when she's in my house I let her father cook and do everything for her and give them their space. I even avoid been very loving and affectionate with my BF in front of her so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable, what the hell does she wants?

I talked to my BF about how weird it is for me to look at him holding hands with her and he stopped doing that in front of me, but after telling him that she doesn't act like she really is when he's around he seems to hate me. He doesn't say anything to me but I know he thinks I'm this awful person who hates his daughter and that I'm a miserable BI%& for not liking her. He told me that now because of me, he can't hold and embrace his daughter when she comes to our house, and that he's trying to please me, that I'm exaggerating and that she doesn't makes these comments on purpose, because she's the sweetest girl in this whole wide world!

I feel awful because maybe she's just acting like a normal teenager but I just can't stand her and it seems the more I want to stay away from her the more she wants to come to my house. I don't want her here. I feel like a stranger and a prisioner in my own house when she's around and she insists in staying over every weekend. I don't care if they spend time together, in fact I encourage him to do that, I just don't want to have to see them together because it bothers me.

I'm jealous of his devotion for her, I'm so pissed that he thinks she's perfect and that he thinks I'm a horrible CU$%T for not wanting to be around her, I hate that he writes her messages expressing his adoration for her every single day, I hate that he's like obessesed with his daughter.

I feel like a terrible person, I don't know what to do. I don't think I can control myself, I think I'll rather just end this relationship because these feelings I have are so awful, I've never felt like this before.

Please help me, how to deal with this?

stepmonster_85's picture

I always ignore her comments and pretend I didn't listen. I even told my BF I don't want to be alone with her because she's a manipulative little bitch, but there are moments we're left alone, like when he showers and this is when stuff happens. God I wish I could answer her as she deserves!

stepmonster_85's picture

Because his two kids were very affected by their parent's divorce and BF told me they were not ready and that he didn't want to put them (Boy 20, Girl 15) through such an awful trauma.

I know how sickening is that? My mother in law has told my BF is disgusting how they hold hands and how she always wants to be on top of him. His answer is that he feels uncomfortable too but, "what can I do, she's my daughter and I can't push her away, she'll think I don't love her" Disgusting!!

Shaman29's picture

Please tell me you're making this up, because there are so many red flags in your relationship, it's making your blog look like it's bleeding.

If this is legit, then trust your gut and end the relationship.

Oh and ewwwwwww......15 year old girl holding hands and climbing all over her father. :sick:

His own mother is telling him it's wrong and he's brushing her off? Run for the f**king hills. His reactions to both of your concerns is the flaming, death spiral signaling the end of your time together.

stepmonster_85's picture

Thank you so much for answering, you're so right about everything. You mentioned "Mini-Wife", could you please tell me more about this mini-wife thing. please.

Maxwell09's picture

Leave. You let that "child" set you up and successfully ruin your relationship with her dad. The girl practically hit all the highlighted marks. Feign sweetness in front of him and play the mini wife, be evil when he's gone; talk about her mother and her "family" before you came, hidden insults or coy insinuations. Yep someone gave this kid a manual and you fell for it all Hook Line and Sinker. You ran to her dad trying to expose her and he flipped on you. Now you'll always be the outsider. You need to get your crap and leave. Leave him a note and say you don't believe in "open relationships" so now he's free to date his daughter without any judgement or insertions from you. He chose her over you. When he said he's scared chis daughter won't think she loved him if "he didn't let her" be on top of him THAT right there should have been your red flag to leave. He's not going to change-you aren't worth it to him.

Disneyfan's picture

How long did the two of you date before living together? I'm going to assume 1-2 years. That means you were involved with this man for 5-6 years before meeting his kids. His excuse for this is bullshit.

My gut says he was still married to BM or separated but still having sex with her. Whatever the story, changes are BM and kids thought they would work out their differences and get back together. There's no reason for a man who is completely done with his ex wife to keep his current SO a top secret from his children for so lomg. It's possible the daughter thinks you broke up her parents or prevented them from reconciling.

stepmonster_85's picture

Yes I dated him a year before we moved in together. He divorced when the girl was 8, so I was not the reason he divorced. He had other girlfriends before but of course never introduced them to "sweety C%&%T." I didn't feel uncomfrotable because since the beginning I met all my in-laws and they love me and I love them. They even warned me that SD15 had a sickening-tight relationship with BF and that no one could ever say anything about her because he would defend this little brat no matter what.

stepmonster_85's picture

Thank you so much for your comments, you're really opening my eyes. When I read your words I feel as if you were reading my mind. I love this man because he was perfect to me. He's the most loving man, handsome, hard-worker, he gives me everything I ask him, his family loves me and I love them, but this sick relationship with his daughter is a turn-off.

Kinder1's picture

It will never get better. There are no solutions when one is dealing with toxic people other than to separate from them. You are fighting a losing battle against dysfunction. Run..good luck!

twoviewpoints's picture

Not sure why you'd be jealous of the brat. She's playing games with you like a cat toys with a mouse. She's not worthy of any jealousy. Think of her as a pathetic creature with claws. Either be done with BF or declaw the creature.

Pink lipstick? Seriously, is that the best she can come up with? "Daddy so loved Mommy" :sick:
Makes one wonder why Dad and Mom divorced if everything was soooooo wonderful. Pfft. Kid should best not choose acting for a career.

You have two choices here. Obviously you'll be getting no help from your BF. 1) end it now with BF, or 2)handle Snot Girl yourself. Surely you didn't get to be your age without having a bit of 'cat' in you yourself. Shut her down. Stop giving the teen the reactions she's expecting. Take her control of you back. The teen isn't worth all the attention and anger she riles up in you.

stepmonster_85's picture

Of course he wasn't around when she said this and when I told him he said I'm desluional and that I feel attacked by everything she does when it's not the case. The little brat told him she feels "she loves me already" so BF thinks I'm the C#$%$NT for disliking her.

notsobad's picture

That is gaslighting, telling that what you heard with your own ears is wrong.
He will continue to do it and you will start to doubt yourself more and more.

twoviewpoints's picture

This guy doesn't sound like a true denial. More a ' I selectively chose to ignore and excuse my little Honey Bunch's behavior' kind of guy.

He is likely well aware his kid ran off the other GFs in between divorce and OP. There's a reason he held off introducing her to the present GF. Even his family has been well aware Princess would be a problem.

He was hoping to have OP all tightly reeled in and so full of 'but I loooooove him' to the point OP would put up with kid to keep BF.

a better life's picture

These frequent posts about bf and their daughters having creepy physical relationships gross me out. My dh is NOTHING like that with his daughter and neither is she like that with him. This is NOT normal even though it seems to be prevalant on this board.

Rags's picture

Get a micro recorder and record her crap then next time the three of you are all together... pull it out... tell them there are behavioral issues that need to be discussed... and play the recordings of her crap.

Then turn to the toxic spawn and tell her that you know all about her telling family members that she lies so she can manipulate her father and that you will no longer tolerate her manipulating SO.

Documented fact is the perfect weapon against toxic spawn and their voluntarily clueless adoring parents.

So, record, record, record, and play it back each and ever time your BF goes on his adoration preach or any time she gets manipulative. "Lets review the last discussion we have on this and .... a few new things we need to address regarding your manipulative behavior (skid) and your clueless adoration of her toxic crap (daddy)."

Of course you need to be ready to have daddy think that you are the problem. In that event, keep the facts front and center and smack him in the back of the head with those facts any time he slips back into his state of clueless adoration.

Shaman29's picture

To what end? Even if she were dumb enough to waste money and time on recording her, do you really believe this weak ass man will believe it??

They are not married, packing and leaving (or packing up his crap and kicking him out) would be the best decision for her. He's not going to change and based on her OP and comments, it seems she's only looking for validation for the choice she's already made.

catsmom01's picture

^^Exactly. It's always easier to blame the SM than to face the reality of the dysfunction.

catsmom01's picture

Barf. This dysfunction will never end because the SD and her Daddy don't want it to end. You will forever be the mean stepmother who hates his Princess and he'll always defend her. Leave them to each other.

Icansorelate's picture

hahaha calling Sally for this one. OP go read any post Sally has posted or commented on. You could have so much fun with the little bitch. After all, she is not going to tell dadddeee what she said to you.

Call her out, put her down, out play her. Have fun!

When your SO is around, you be soooo sweet to her. Two can play the game.

Disillusioned's picture

I have to agree with wicked on this one, you are in a power struggle with this brat. Take away her power. For every rude comments she makes, address it with her directly. And yes if she runs to your DH, you then tell him the facts. Otherwise, deal with her rudeness, and ignore her the rest of the time

Do not be fall over backwards nice, nor ignore any of her out of line behavior, don't kiss her butt at all.

Your SD, and your DH, need to know what the boundaries are and what the consequences are if they cross them

I think some DH's really do enjoy seeing and in fact creating this power struggle between their wife and their child. I think it boosts their ego if they think their daughter and wife are competing with each other for him.

And, some of these DH's feel guilt about the divorce, worry their kids will walk out of their lives, so they throw their wives under the bus thinking that they're scoring 'bonus points' with their kid

And, if their wife is actually jealous of the relationship he has with his child, then I think some parents - especially the guilty disney dads - think they have convinced the world they are such an amazing parent and have so very close and special of a relationship with their child that it even makes their wife envious

A lot of this is to validate themselves, to themselves, to their kids, to others especially their SO

My DH used to do some of this when it came to YSD, and at one time she was a competitive teenager with me (she and I have a wonderful relationship now) and two things made it better.

1: I told DH what I would and would not tolerate. I never made it about her, because it really wasn't about her, it was about our relationship. I explained it was rude and inconsiderate of DH to have his "alone time" with YSD with me sitting right in the same room as a third wheel. Either include me or allow me to spend my weekends away with people I'm comfortable with.

2: I called YSD out when she was being disrespectful. Fortunately she was nothing like her sister and I never had to deal with direct aggressive hostile behaviour, but, when YSD wouldn't respond when I said hello for example, I would say something to her. If it continued I stopped saying hello, and, stopped doing nice things for her. Stopped paying attention, and, disengaged

Unlike her older sister, YSD realized she didn't have me under her thumb when she treated me that way, and she changed her behavior big time. We've been close and have had a great relationship for many years now. She has communicated clearly and often how much I mean to her

As for her father, DH, he stills pulls some of the silliness when talking to her/when she's around, but he is generally better too. He knows I will not participate in the phone calls with her, or will not be around when she visits, if he's going to start the act up. He used to think it impressed me, now he realizes I see through the whole act and I view it for what it is; weak and trying to impress, rather than actually being a parent

Communicate with your DH about how things make you feel, what you'll tolerate, but without bad-mouthing his daughter. And as for her out-of-line behavior with you, deal with it directly and without backing down.

Rags's picture

The goal is to change behavior and drive clarity. If the status quo were acceptable then the OP would not be asking for advice. If the status quo is not acceptable then the only thing that can happen is change.

The question is does the OP want to be the one to lower her standards and be the only one to change or does she want her SO and the kid to face the facts and join her in the change effort. Of course the toxic Skid won't want any part of that but daddy will have to step up or risk another railed relationship and will still end up with a toxic child to deal with.

So yes, play the tapes for daddy. Let him see unequivocally that his spawn is toxic and that he needs to step up and perform as a parent. If he doesn't make that choice then the OP has to choose whether or not to stay with the waste of parental skin or move on to a new life opportunity.

It is either that or surrender and suffer for the OP.

I for one would far rather suffer for taking an action than for not taking action and just continuing to take my current regular beating.