Please advise!
SD is 14. Met and have cared for her since she was 1. She went to live with BM last April due to too many problems at our house. We have blended family, DH, me, and our 2 kids (3 and 10). SD has repeatedly stolen from me and DH, even from toddler BD. I've read so many stories on here about Skids stealing, probably to act out their frustration or feeling left out of the nuclear family picture. Anyway. Sd has been with us like one wkend a month. Overall, it's been a lot better and easier without having to look over my shoulder and worrying about things going missing or all the drama that she creates. She has tried to put me and DH against each other many times. She stayed with us from last Thursday through Sunday. We went to the store and she stole a toy (squishy thing) right in front of me. I told her to find the wrapper and I would buy it for her stealing it. I said OK well that's your karma and she said well I already have enough bad karma as it is. Issues with her peers and mom who has mental illness and substance abuse problems. A couple of days later she went to stay the night with a friend, and when she came home the next day, after all of the hoopla and making up with her mom yet again, I decided to check her bag to see if she happened to lift a little Chapstick from me. She has stolen, make up and all kinds of stuff so it was a random and kind of impulsive move but then I found a cell phone that I just gave her dad and I said oh it fell on the floor her bags. She shares a room with our toddler so that has been challenging for sure. I shouldn't have said it fell on the floor, but I know she was about to flip out as soon as I gave the phone to. DH and he immediately addressed it. She said it was her friends that she was holding for her and she didn't know why she gave it to her. She has had burner phones and she has clothes and shoes from all kinds of friends that supposedly let her borrow those I'm not claiming to be perfect by any means I stole things when I was a teenager. However, I lived with my BF and SM who were wrapped up in substance-abuse issues, and never took the time to talk with me about morals or values like DH, and I have done many many times with Sd. She got pissed and said who was going through my stuff and I confessed and said I was looking for my Chapstick. I asked her if she had it, and she said no, and please stop going through my stuff I said, well, I probably wouldn't if you didn't steal stuff right under my nose at the store. I found my Chapstick in one of my bags last night. I felt bad and I wonder if I owe her an apology. I sent her an email on Monday trying to show her that I care and telling her I see potential and her and encouraging her to try to push past the teenage issues she's dealing with. Do I owe her an apology? Am I valid to go into her stuff because I misplaced something? has jacked so many things from me every time something goes missing I just immediately assume she took it. Thanks for reading this and for any advice you have on the subject..
She hasn't earned your trust.
She hasn't earned your trust. You are the adult, she is the child. If it walks and sounds like a duck it's a duck. She's a KNOWN thief to you. Why be nice when you can't trust her? Next time she steals from a store march her back in and make her give it back to the store manage. I had to do that with my oldest when she was 3/4. Toughest thing and it scared her bad and I cried the whole time but the staff was great.
Thanks for your input. She is
Thanks for your input. She is such a piece of work, you wouldn't even believe the codependent relationship she carries on with BM. Starting to think a lot of people here know exactly what that looks like. Since Sd's Add/odd really surfaced when she was 7 or 8, it's been beyond exhausting and stressful. Deep down I really do feel for her but like you said she is a known thief. BM didn't believe that she was stealing vapes from me and recently she found one on SD and called DH to have him talk fo SD. DH said I wish I could believe you but I don't. SD cried and denied it like she did at our house last year and finally confessed to BM that she was holding for a friend. Sunday night SD overheard me telling DH that she probably shouldn't stay at our house while we go on a much needed vacay. My BM and SF will be here from out of state to watch the younger kids. I said that my BM was leery of Sd being here because she can be deceitful and didn't want something to happen on her watch. I said it could be disastrous and went back to cleaning the kitchen. SD came in and said can you please not say things when I can hear you? I said can you just act the way you're supposed to so you can partake more in our family? She had basically told DH earlier that day that I had OK'd her shoplifting. I had printed some photos that came out blurry and she quickly grabbed them and crumbled them into her pocket. I told her it was not a good idea and she insisted. She threw the squishy thing against my windshield to taunt me and I finally had to threaten to throw it out of the window. By then she was pleased with herself that she'd not only done whatever she wanted to do, but also irritated me. She is totally screwed up. We've tried fo help her but she chooses to be glued to her cell and calling/texting her mom obsessively and not giving a single F about any of us. People tell me not to few bad but for some inexplicable reason I always do to some extent. DH also said to tell security or manager if she ever tries to pull that back again!
Aloha, I'm a counselor so I'm
Aloha, I'm a counselor so I'm familiar with developmental issues and family systems. It's a very healthy and emotionally mature thing to be nuanced with your thinking on things like this. It's possible for multiple things to exist at once; SD could be doing immoral things that should be addressed, and you could be responding in ways that might warrant a "my bad."
How you address this depends on what you want to deem your action of looking through her bag to be. I don't think there's necessarily a wrong answer. It would be reasonable to look through her things considering she has stolen from you and that has caused major damage to trust. It would also be reasonable to say you want to respect people's privacy and looking through someone's things isn't something you want to encourage. You could decide one, or the other, or you could believe both to be true, which is the stance I think I would have. A mentor who has supervised a lot of successful marriage and family therapists says even if you are 10% in the wrong, it's never a bad idea to apologize for your part. It will only benefit you for a number of reasons. For one, it reinforces that you are a reasonable person to everyone around you, including SD. Second, it models for her what apologizing looks like. Third, it communicates safety to her, that you are a safe person, which I think is most important. Many times we expect teenagers to be vulnerable and show humility while they feel attacked and not emotionally safe. If you want go with the nuanced route, it could sound something like this:
"Hey SD, I wanted to talk for a minute about what happened. Looking back, I don't think I should have looked through your things because it goes against my values. So I apologize to you for making you feel violated. I'm sure that was rattling to you and now you might wonder if anything else is going to be looked through. And the truth is, I can't say for sure if I won't because I have a lot of fear. When you took my makeup and dad's phone, it shook me up a lot. Now when I can't find something I wonder if you've taken it. I don't want things to be that way. How would you feel about telling me about why you took those things and maybe we can find a solution? If you need makeup, let's talk about that. My goal is to trust that you aren't taking my things, and my goal is also for you to trust that I'm not going through your things either."
The antidote may sound counter intuitive. But she might need more freedom. (A.K.A more responsibility.) Kids want responsibility. Not just cleaning their room, but responsibility to others in a way that makes them feel like they are contributing to the little community that is the family. Something like giving them some cash and asking them to get food at the grocery store for dinner, and whatever is left they can keep. In order for kids to develop an intrinsic desire to maintain good values and morals on their own, they need to feel a lot of positive things towards the caregivers around them. One big motivation might be to get your approval and your positive reinforcement. Best way to do that is to have a good relationship. Getting to know her interests, being curious about her social life, and showing support of who she truly is. For example, if she likes watching YouTube, ask who is her favorite and watch a bit together. If she likes makeup ask what her favorite is and go shopping for makeup together. This goes such a long way.
I highly recommend the book "Parent Effectiveness Training." It will change your life. I also recommend watching the channel "Healthy Gamer" on YouTube. He is a psychiatrist and speaks to a lot of situations involving teens.
You sound very kind and sweet and your SD is lucky she has someone as caring as you as a SM, even if she doesn't know it yet.
Hi there
What a thoughtful and constructive answer. I have definitely tried to be there for her for so long. I can see how she was certainly triggered by feeling violated. I think I was subconsciously working through something, hence the mixed emotions about the situation. It's hard to know exactly how to address these issues with SD because she flips out, turns on the tears and runs to call BM to rescue her. The email I sent her was along the lines, we love you and want nothing more than to be able to trust you. I told her I enjoyed getting to spend some time together and that i was taken back by her choices at the store on Friday. We had actually gone to Starbucks together before the store, in order to reward her for watching her siblings while DH was working and I went to work for a few hours. I always lock our bedroom door which I know she hates, but she has stolen so many of my things. I have paid her several times to watch them for a few hrs. I show her gratitude a lot and say thank for cleaning and helping. DH and I wonder if she tests me to see how I will react to her. I have told her that I will not withhold info from DH. I didnt mention it to him until Saturday after we dropped SD at her volleyball practice. She has been away so much that I get comfortable with a bit of normalcy. When she comes around it's usually a case of BM is a B and she kicked me out. So I try to be comforting and at first she is more approachable until BM approves of her existence again. Then the true colors and facade are back out. I tell SD that I know who she is and that I will always be there for her. It's hard to connect since worships BM no matter how much she is exposed to living there. Our family goes to her games, we include her very much in holiday celebrations, I work hard to foster a relationship between SD and every member here. She curses, steals, screams at my BD and BS. They love her but I think they are much more balanced and more comfortable when she isn't around. I feel like the fact that she has not responded to the email I sent on Monday says a lot. If BM wrote her, she'd respond in a split second. It's a dynamic that has been set in place for some time. I appreciate your feedback and food for thought!