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Passive Agressive Behaviour of the SDs

Jocasta's picture

Hi there, I'm new here and loving reading all the past posts - finally a bunch of people out there who are having the same struggles as I am, and some far worse.

I am part-time step-mum to my DP's 2 x entitled two teenage princesses. We see them every other weekend and he sees them once during the week for supper (I am away with work some days during the week so I thankfully don't get involved with this daddy-time).

I have always struggled with the situation. The SDs treat DP like their boyfriend - I see from past posts this is quite common. Not only is it creepy but it undermines my position as he partner. He seems not to notice - I guess it's behaviour he is used to and is probably responsible for, having brought them up until around 5 years ago. ESD is very proprietorial and bosses and nags DP, she also hugs and kisses him from time to time (like a lover would). YSD on the other hand drapes herself all over DP when she gets the chance, lies over him, hangs off him and generally tries to come between us. They are a mean double act!

They are not overly hostile to me. They are polite on a superficial level - they say please and thank you, etc. BUT show no warmth towards me, they direct all questions,etc to DP (even though it's usually me who should be answering - e.g. Dad, what time is dinner when quite clearly am standing there doing the cooking). Its quite plain they come only to visit DP. There is a part of me that wishes they were nasty or rude cos then I would have something to complain about but when I complain about their passive/aggressive behaviour to DP, it sounds a bit lame cos they're technically not being nasty to me - just makes me feel so uncomfortable in MY own home. I dread the EoW visits and resent spending half of my precious weekend with someone else's kids.

Just needed a vent...thanks for reading!

elle94's picture

Welcome to ST

How old are your SD's? My SD is a passive aggressive, bratty, disgusting little person. It's taken me awhile, but I have just completely and totally disengaged and have accepted that she is toxic and that things are NOT going to get better. Her behavior is just as cruel as if she were spewing absolute nastiness out of her bratty little mouth.

RedWingsFan's picture

Mini wives. UGH! Sorry.

Until DH sees their behavior as inappropriate and puts a stop to it, I'm afraid things won't improve.

Jocasta's picture

Hi there - thanks for replying - the little madams are 17 (nearly 18) and 15 (nearly 16) ..., but going on about 6 years old, the pair of them, especially when daddy's around.

IslandGal's picture

They are teens?? TEENS?? and they hang and drape themselves all over daddeee?? OMG that is nauseating!! When they do that, if I were you, I would put myself in the middle and sit on DH's lap. I would go completely overboard on the affection side of things. For real! Stick your tongue down his throat and pash him like you just met! Show the two proprietal bitches just who the main woman in your DH's life is!

Whisper sweet nothings in his ear. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. they try to hog him - you gotta fight for your man with these two evil shits - play them at their own game! Google mini-wives on this site, and print out bits and pieces to show your man that this behaviour is HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE!!

You should also speak with your DH and explain to him that it is wrong. If he doesn't do anything about it - you have two choices.. do all of the above i.e. be his lover and act accordingly - ESPECIALLY when they are around.. or start handling it trust me - if you don't do anything about it you're gonna go mental, 'cos it's only gonna get worse - check out the Adult Stepchildren site - flamin' nightmares right there!

As for the disrespecting you in the kitchen - stop doing ANYTHING for them. Tell DH to start cooking and teaching them how to sort their own shit out!!

elle94's picture

I don't have any kids of my own and coming into this marriage has opened up my eyes!!! SD17 also likes to hang on DH and try to be a mini wife. I've let DH know her behavior is inappropriate given her age. she also still calls him daaaaaaady, which just grates on me at times. I just wanna yell at her to grow the eff up. I could see the hanging on daddy maybe up till age 8 or so, but for god sakes, she still asks him for piggy back rides.

luchay's picture

17.... piggy back rides.......

Goddammit, just spat coffee all over my computer........

Disillusioned's picture

It sounds like they are jealous of your relationship with your dh. They may feel threatened by you. Especially your ysd trying to get in-between you and your dh. I can see younger kids doing that but at 15/16 that is sort of old to be behaving that way. Asking your dh what time dinner is when you are clearly cooking may not be disrespect younger sd used to do that all the time on her weekends with us and it drove me nuts too - but she actually wasn't consciously being disrespectful to me - she just didn't think about it. She was there to see dad and she directed most conversation to him and if she wanted to know what time we were eating or what was for dinner she simply asked dad. Didn't occur to her to ask me. But as she grew older and I got to know (and like) her a whole lot me I realized these types of actions on her end had almost nothing to do with me/disliking me....hopefully that helps you to know just a little

Amberelle11's picture

Yeah, SD18 has always done his as well. She flips back and forth from acting like a mini-wife to a Whiney 5yr old. (Complete with the actual talking like a little kid AND kid voicing as well as stomps feet an fligs herself on couch under pillows and makes the whining moaning kid tantrum noises when you tell her no! Lol!) but yet WE are the embarrassing one's! Haha!

She tried to ask me to sleep on the couch once so she could sleep in the same bed as her dad...ummm...No! :sick: Luckily, I have a good hubby who was as equally as shocked and told her that was not appropriate behaviour and grow up! He doesn't like them hanging over him either when they try and puts a quick stop to it!

Its just really odd behaviour I think! But for unknown reasons they won't talk to us now (or see us!) so I don't have to worry about it!

Freshstart's picture

Yep I have lived it too. The hardest part is that somewhere inside you are always worried why your DH has been complicit with the whole mini-wife bit and what they got out of it. Although things have improved for us, my SD17 is not happy at her perceived demotion. She is a master at playing hard to get too if Daddy isn't giving her the attention she wants. She withdraws affection. It's all a bit too much for me. I can predict when she does it that he will be keener to see her. Bingo.

If anyone ever understands what it is all about let me know.

I loved my marriage at first and now I hate watching the patterns of behaviour unfold I predict them ahead of time in my head which is boring. Guess I am disengaged at a level but disappointed at another level. I love this site and love the chance to just read and occasionally share and vent.

IslandGal's picture

We're actually going through the withdrawal of affection from SD right now. Thing is, she thinks she's punishing us - which is just typical of her arrogant manipulative behaviour. She's pissed because DH had the audacity to tell her to dress decently or he wouldn't take her anywhere (she loves wearing revealing tights). In the past, this would've killed him - absolutely would've broken his heart and the little hellion knows it. BUT. She didn't count on me. No way in fuck am I gonna let DH feel guilty over this. He acted like a Father and she's just going to learn to behave like the kid she is.

She is no longer the mini-wife with him -he's put his foot down. He no longer spoils her. He has seen her for the manipulative arrogant kid she really is.

He asked me what more could he do to change her, and I said absolutely nothing. Let BM deal with her shit. SD will never, ever be allowed to bring her toxic venom to wreck our household. When she changes her attitude and realises she's behaving like a spoilt little prima-donna and decides to behave - then she'll be welcome. Otherwise - she can just stay the fuck away from us.