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Not Sure How Long I Can Last...

Piglet99's picture

I've been with my DH for 7 years. His daughter was 7 when we first started hanging out. She liked me at first, but after I didn't leave after 3 months she started hating me. She would lie and say she liked me and of course her father believed every things she told him. Even after catching her in several lies. I finally expressed to my husband that his daughter was rude to me, he told me to call her on her sh*#, I did one time and he jumped down my throat for being to harsh to his daughter. We went to pre-marriage counseling and one thing I requested is to be his number one every once in awhile. He reassured me I was and the pastor was like you should be and his daughter should understand that. That hasn't really happened yet. He only gets his daughter every other weekend so he has weekend dad syndrome. Life is all about his daughter and making everything as perfect for her as possible. We can't have any house rules for her to follow. She is so shallow, with eating disorders and everyone just brushes them aside. I want to be helpful and there for her and sometimes I am better at it than others, but I just get so tired of everything. And then DH, how much he lets his ex do and get away with. It puts a strain on our relationship as well. Sometimes I feel like the SD and BM are more important to him to keep them happy. I feel like a third wheel and unimportant especially when she is over or topics come up about her. I try to talk to people and him, but either I'm overreacting or not giving her a fair chance or being too hard. I'm tired of always looking like the bad one because the poor girl has had such a hard life because her parents are divorced.

Kes's picture

Having been on StepTalk for a year or so, I feel that this is THE problem which crops in time and time again for SMs. It certainly applied to me and my DH, although he has (after 9 years) put firm boundaries in place around his ex - the BM, and he has taken off the rose tinted spectacles with regard to my teenage SDs. This is what needs to happen if you are to have a better relationship with your DH - and although he paid lip service to putting you first when you did counselling, he has not kept it up.
He needs to take you for granted less - so I would advise you to take whatever action necessary to make this happen - this might include developing more of a life of your own on the weekends you have your SD, or disengaging from her (as I have done from my SDs). If we let DH's take us for granted, they will, on the whole.

alwaysanxious's picture

Yep, all this applies to me too. We've made some headway over the years, but he's still a guilty daddy. I agree with Kes. Its hard at first because you just want to be a part of the "family" but do your own thing on the visitation days.

I worked on this for over a year. It has take me a long time to get where I am and I still struggle.

First, I created physical distance and I stopped having anything to say about how the skids were raised.

This lead to emotional distance.

Now I can't even watch them together for so many reasons. SD competes with me for her father's attention. SO encourages or exposes the skids to things that aren't age appropriate. Spoils them and then wonders why they act like they do (mainly SD, but SS's teen years will be coming).

Little by little start disengaging. See if it works for you.

buterfly_2011's picture

Divorce isn't an excuse to behave like a brat for 7 years. Sooner or later it's time to get on with life. Accept things. I am in the beginning stages of SD16 only a year in. And I am already feeling the he is MINE from her. And I dread every single time he tells me they are coming to visit. I think the disengage is the only way to survive the mess we are in with these fathers who feel guilty and have no spine to stand up to the BM or the child.

cbanu73's picture

My Stepson is almost a teenager yet he acts like he's a 5 year old girl. He lies constantly and all he has to say is "I'm sorry Daddy" and my husband buys it. We have been together for 5 years and it hasn't gotten better or easier. We constantly fight about his son's behavior and issues. Like everyone else, all I hear is that I should make allowances for him because he comes from a divorced family. Reality check peeps! My daughter is almost 20 and I raised her ON MY OWN until she was 15. Her dad abandoned her when she was 10,only seeing her when it was "convenient" for him before that, which is way harsher than divorce. Yet, she is a bright, positive, well mannered young lady who does not do drugs or have "Daddy" issues...why? because I wanted better for her and I did not let her use that as a crutch. Our husbands are only doing their children a grave disservice by allowing them to use divorce as an excuse for horrible behavior.
I have reached the point where the only option I have is to disengage from his son entirely. No matter how much I try to help, I am always the bad guy and accused of hating his child. These men do not want to face reality or be real dads because they are too afraid. All I do is lose respect for my husband when I witness what he lets his kid get away with.

CozyGa's picture

Exact same. I liked the term guilty daddy syndrome. 
These men are raising the p word. 

Rags's picture

If he is not demonstrating to you, day in and day out, that you are his unequivocal priority far higher in importants than his X and their toxic spawn then you need to pull the plug and get on with your life with them far behind  you.

Take care of you.