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Not the maid

Kraemerk's picture

I have 3 sks, sd18, ss16 and sd 11 as well as bs 9months... Sd18 has been home since April back from college due to the Covid epidemic. Out of the three she is the worst at not picking up after herself. She eats or drinks something and the dish, can, garbage is left where she sat. Kids TV room is downstairs and dishes and garbage will pile up for weeks. 

I am constantly picking up, cleaning, doing laundry. I work, take care of my infant son, and am basically the maid around here. I can't do it anymore. My sd11 is much better about being aware of being responsible and respectful of our home. 

Dh is sometimes supportive but then also feels it's easier for he and I to take care of chores than to nag the kids. I don't feel like I'm asking for a ton...just pick up after yourself. Everyone else gets to enjoy their hobbies and free time while I spend all my time trying to not live in a shit hole. 

I'm on strike now and the past two weekends they have all left and left the shared areas a total mess....dishes covering the entire counter, clumps of dirt on floor from muddy boots and laundry piled in laundry room. So since I'm not doing it anymore I have to spend my weekend surrounded by the mess. 

 I dream of having my own space, but if I moved out, I would lose out on time with my baby and that isn't an option for me.

ldvilen's picture

This short blurb tells a lot: DH “feels it's easier for he and I to take care of chores than to nag the kids.”  This tells me your DH likes to take the “easy way out,” which usually winds up down the road being the hard way.

Parenting is not nagging.  Things such as asking and expecting your kids to pick up after themselves and having boundaries, etc. is PARENTING.  It is NOT nagging.

Since your DH is, in essence, a lazy parent, he now has lazy children.  Unfortunately, no surprise there. 

Is this deal with 18 YO SD temporary or not?  She is an adult.  But, your DH has to be able to control and manage his own children.  He should not have the expectation that you do this.

Kraemerk's picture

You make a good point... SD18 will most likely be living with us for the next few years during college breaks...Summers / Winter break.  DH manages and controls them to the point of what works for him, and he does clean up after them to the point of what works for him.  If he wants to take off and do something for the weekend, he is fine leaving the house a mess.  If I'm the one home, my options are to clean up after them so that I enjoy being in my home or live with it and wait for him to get around to taking care of the mess.  This last time I asked he and SD18 to pick up before they headed out, and neither one did a thing.  

Cover1W's picture

Either stick with it or go all in. What I mean is everything left out for 24 hrs or more, EVERYTHING, gets trashed. Thus includes not only trash but dishes, clothing, crafts, etc.

If you want to hold onto it like dishware, then clean it when no one is around, then store it away from use. No one else cleaned it then no one else cares to have clean dishes or any dishes. This includes pots, pans, glassware. If things go away and you are asked, it's just, no idea. Personal things get trashed, donation, or just stored in away from use. I found that no one noticed this but YSD who stopped leaving her stuff out.

Let your DH buy replacements. You do not. As for disposable serveware, it will not solve the isse and will still be left out. So if this happens, take all that stuff and stack it in kitchen.

In any case I hope you aren't still cleaning the kitchen before you cook....I just refused to cook if I had to clean it first.

tog redux's picture

Pick the rooms you need to be clean for your own sanity, and pick up those. Throw any of the skids' stuff into their rooms and close the door. If you need a clean kitchen, clean that only. If you need a clean space to sit in, clean that only. But don't do anyone's laundry except your own and BSs.  DH can take care of the rest.

My SS was pretty good about picking up if I asked him to, will yours, or will they ignore it? Is a housecleaner an option for you?

I agree that DH would rather pick up after them because he doesn't want them to be mad at him, ie parent them. Does he care that you are unhappy?

Dogmom1321's picture

100% agree! I got tried of the backtalk from SD10 when I would ask simple things (pick up your shoes, put backpack away, put plate away, etc.) If something of hers was left out in a common area, I would pick it up and toss all in her room (dirty clothes, shoes, toy, you name it). SD realizes when we doesn't have "clean clothes" oh, maybe it's time to clean my room (which rarely happens). I refuse to wash any clothes that are not in the laundry room. SD is VERY lazy about this, so honestly her laundry gets done once a month. I don't pick up clothes on bathroom floor either. 

Rags's picture

Oh no.  If DH doesn't want to nag the kids to do age appropriate chores, DH can do those chores himself. His spawn, his problem.

Do not volunteer to remain the live in beck and call girl/chore bitch.  Make DH the primary chore labor pool, particularly considering that all four of the kids in the home are his while only one of them is yours.  The three Skids are far past old enough to have chores and suffer consequences for not doing them.

Since DH is the one choosing to not hold the Skids accountable, he can be the one to do the chores.

Keep it simple.

Something else to consider, you are the BM and if you decide to end this it is likely that you will be the CP and BioDad will be the NCP paying you CS.  As young as the baby is, ending it now and moving out of state forcing a long distance visitation CO into effect will significantly minimize the influence of DH's shallow and polluted gene pool on your baby.

Take care of you, take care of the baby.  Which very well could mean leaving daddy to deal with his older spawn on his own and limiting the baby's exposure to all of them.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

We have a member who has two SDs and a lazy, conflict avoidant H who let his daughters trash the house during visitation. The SM asked, reminded, told, begged, and pleaded to no avail. Finally, she bought big trash bags and would do a sweep of the home. All of the crap the skids left lying about went into the bag, and then the bag was tossed out onto the garage. If his baybees needed a particular item, they or daddee would have to search through those trash bags for it.

Behavior modification accomplished.

Kraemerk's picture

Well I left the house a mess while they were gone this weekend - it took everything in me not to clean, but I came home this afternoon and the kitchen is clean, and the washing machine was running.  I'm sure there will be some sort of backlash, but it feels damn good not to be the one doing the cleaning.  I had a friend growing up whose Dad put their dirty dishes and mess on their bed so they realized they needed to take care of it prior - I like the idea, and may try it out.  At times I have put their shit in their bedrooms and shut the door - I don't really care if their rooms are messy, but they do get gross with wet towels on the floor and dishes with left over food in them.  I may try a bolder approach depending on how things progress around here.  I'm sure DH's next step will be to hire a cleaning person....I'm not 100% against it, but it goes against trying to teach SKs responsiblity and respect.  Thanks everyone for your input!!!!

Cover1W's picture

I was against hiring a cleaning person too, because we should be able to clean and maintain the home together. However, I finally realized that was a fantasy. I have a cleaning person come every other month. She does not clean the skids areas and only does their bathroom if DH wants to pay more for that service...I don't pay for cleaning their space since he doesn't agree they should do it themselves.

Basically a cleaning person saves my sanity.

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Keep the strike going. I never clean up after them. DHs divorce house is trashed but oh well. Over the last year SD has actually stepped up and started picking up after herself and doing the dishes after dinner. They eventually come around when they realize no one will do it for them. 

JRI's picture

Im not defending your DH or SKs at all but wanted to share a long-term perspective.  I'm a 75 year old BM & SM of 5.  They all lived with us, plus many pets.  I'm not a ball of fire but tried to keep the house livable.  The kid's rooms were often messes, i'd just shut the door.  The kids were typically adolescent like yours.  I had cleaning help once in awhile.  To be honest, we had some big glaring issues that took precedence.

Flash forward, they are all in their 50's.  SD is a spotless housekeeper, you can eat off the floors.  OSS is average but things look fine.  BS is tidy.  BD is "artistic", "bohemian" but it's good enough.  YSS can only be described as fanatically clean.  I guess what I'm saying is do what makes you feel good but they will probably be fine as adults.

shamds's picture

I told my husband that hemake his lazy pos disrespectful and selfisg son who was 17.5 yrs old, pick up after himself. He empties the trash, kitty litter, his dishes everything he cleans.

he had the nerve to tell his dad that this is my job as a sahm.. wtf?? Your own mum never cleaned the house but suddenly its my job?? 

My husband told him it was not my job to clean up after a lazy kid and as i had a newborn, ss doesn’t dump his messes on me... I remember when my kids could crawl, ss would leave skewer sticks from take out on the floor. Know how I handled this laziness of him not emptying the trash??

i told hubby that if our crawling inquisitive toddlers injured themselves with ss’s plastic forks or bamboo skewer sticks that he dumped on kitchen floor or our cats injured themselves because of it, i’d jam that skewer stick up his pee hole and he’d cry like a little inconsiderate biatch!!

hubby put an end to that immediately. Sarcasm is the only way my husband puts his foot down because he sees how inconsiderate and selfish ss is...

Rags's picture

I cringed.  A little extreme, even for me, but... the threat got the message across to your DH so ultimately it was effective.

Sadly, with some of these toxic spawn of prior relationship couplings, it takes some extreme messages to get the point across and resolve the issues.