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Not invited to SD19 birthday dinner

Chalky.hands's picture


My partner who I've been living with for 3,5+ years always go out with his ex and kids on their birthdays and I'm not invited ! I understund in the early stage of our relationship that it would have been inappropriate but not anymore ? 

I find it hurtful and disrespectful to our relationship (he says I'm the love of his life and wants to marry me). He separated from his ex wife 7 years ago when kids were about 5yo and 12yo so they are very much used to not having their parents together.

Tomorrow is SD 19th birthday and I'm not going to the celebration, it's not even a question. I feel let down by my partner as he won't step up for me in this situation. His daughter can come in and out of the house anytime without greeting me or saying a single word to me and she gets away with it EVERY DAMN TIME. But if she does something rude to her mum he will call her and tell her to apologise to her mum.

Feeling really sad just needed to vent. Any advice to handle the situation/my emotions would be appreciated 

Kes's picture

I note that you posted before about being ignored by your SD, and the advice was to disengage, which I'd agree with.  However, this is a step further - actively being excluded from a family birthday is not only rude and uncaring - it is also showing a lack of basic respect towards you by your partner.  Is this the way to behave towards the "love of your life"?   Your emotions are NOT the problem - you feel as anyone would feel when being treated in this way. The problem is your partner - he should stop colluding with your exclusion - if you are excluded - he shouldn't go, either.  In your situation the least I would expect is that he has stern words with his daughter and tells her that unless she starts showing you some basic civility, she can find somewhere else to live. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You are being treated like a less-than person in your home and relationship. This is very wrong. The fact that those two reproduced does not make them higher beings who are more worthy of respect than you. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

He goes out with the skids and his EX? You have a YUGE partner problem. He's treating you like the other woman. 

CajunMom's picture

Attending events with his ex and kids without you? Nope.

Letting a teenager disrespect you in your home? Nope.

While my position is much different than yours.....I refuse to attend any SK events with my DH but his ex was NEVER with them on said events. I can understand being disengaged and letting your SO have time with his kids, I cannot understand why the BM is included and you aren't.

As everyone says, it's not a SK problem, you have an SO problem. And 3.5 years is NOT early in the relationship.  Have a sit down with this man and clearly explain why you will no longer tolerate such treatment from him and his kids. If he can't change, then you need to make changes. I would not tolerate this treatment for long, let alone over 3 years. You deserve better.

ESMOD's picture

His daughter is 19... not 5 years old.  If they have truly been separated for 7 years.. it is Wayyyy past the point of doing joint celebrations and playing happy family.

I will split the baby on this though...

I would absolutely make it a boundary that he not go to celebrate the dinner with his EX.  I get there may be future instances where they will be somewhere together.. college graduations.. weddings.. but regular holidays and birthdays.. no.


You and his adult daughter don't really get along.  I think it's fine for him to take his daughter out for a meal for her birthday.. without you.  You are his partner.. but you don't have to be part of his relationship with his daughter reallly.. though he should insistt she is respectful to you.. she doesn't have to even really talk to you.. but can't be rude in your home.

Chalky.hands's picture

Well I personally think not talking at all is rude. We don't have to be friends, but just "hey how are you today?" or "Goodbye see you next time" or a small talk once in a while would be the bare minimum. 

ESMOD's picture

If you say hello to her and she doesn't respond.. that's rude.  If you both are there not saying anything to each other.. that's awkward.. but maybe not technically rude.  I can be a less social person.. and sometimes don't talk much at all... sometimes I sit in the car with my husband.. and he is happily chatting away.. I don't think he even realizes I haven't said a word.. lol.

Chalky.hands's picture

I don't expect to talk all the time but to me pretending someone doesn't exist is rude

Winterglow's picture

In your other post, you stated that you weren't invited because BM hates you ... So use that to your advantage. Tell your partner that it's time BM GREW TF UP and accepted that life goes on. You WILL be going to this birthday party and you expect him to ensure that his rude offspring be polite to you. (I suppose he would be paying for this bash?) Tell him that you're sick of being treated like his bit on the side, as if he were ashamed of you. I might even throw in an ultimatum - if he goes without you, you won't be there when he gets back. What's the point? You are being treated like a stranger and not a life partner. Put an end to it. If he feels that he absolutely has to have a birthday party for his princess, what's to stop him having his own one for her and letting BM have hers?

Harry's picture

You are being treated like shit.  You should come first. He should be NOT going out with the EX and playing happy family..

'You must realize you really don't have a good future with this man.  It's never going to stop. You will always be third or fouth   Time to make a exit plan. And leave all this disrespect 

Chalky.hands's picture

I would understand if BM organised a party at her place with cousins, grand parent and other family members that he would want to stop by for his kid (as long as it's not aaallll day). But I'm not okay with just the 4 of them hanging out at the restaurant, I find it very inappropriate and just a weird family dynamic. And yeah I bet he is gonna pay for all of them ! We don't even go out for my birthday lol

Chalky.hands's picture

Because SD probably wants both her parents to celebrate her birthday,  which I understand and I'm okay with. She is staying at her mum's most of the time too including tonight. So it makes sense that BM is going. I just wished I was invited or we would have our own celebration another day. Just the 4 of them going out makes me sick, especially at her age. 

ESMOD's picture

So... tell him that.  Tell him that it's not so much that you are not invited.. because why on earth would you want to go eat dinner or celebrate someone's birthday when they barely say a word to you?  It's that it is totally inappropriate for him to continue to pretend he is still in a relationship with his Ex wife.  You understand that at some point.. he will be at joint events like a wedding.. but a 19 year old's birthday dinner does NOT need to be a joint event with his EX... and I would tell him that you are clearly telling him it is NOT ok with you.. and if he wants to do this... knowing how you feel.. perhaps this is not the right relationship for him to be in.. with you.. 

If he insists on going.. I would leave for a bit.. like go stay somewhere else for a week or two.. let him stew on that.

This is NOT ok.. again.. she is an adult.. not a toddler that doesn't understand... it's not a milestone celebration with a lot of people.. it's a family dinner.. and he is not bringing you.. so you are not his family.. I would not let him get away with that.


Chalky.hands's picture

I totally agree that it is inappropriate.

I hate the conflict and find it so hard to tell him how I feel as I doubt he will change what he is doing regarding to his kids. I fear if I say something it will only end up in an argument but not fix anything. 

Anyway they went out last night. Didn't ask how it went but talked about other stuff. I sensed that he knew.I wasn't happy about them going out.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

That is not a reason. If SD wants both of her parents to celebrate her birthday, they can. Separately, like they have lived since they split up! 

la_dulce_vida's picture

You don't go out for YOUR birthday? Awwww hell no.

I'd raise holy hell. This man is not treating you like the love of his life. He's treating you horribly.

Crr18's picture

Even though I have a BM texting SO issue. I could never stand for this. He would never do it. He knows I want to walk out just with the text thing.  He only had to do something once because of Covid and the stupid 2 ticket thing.  There was absolutely nothing we could do about it. And they actually made "families " sit together. They never take In to consideration that is not a family. I would be so mad about dinner together. I would make myself sick. I know that my SKids sit on one side while we sit on another . If my SO was sitting beside BM in a booth I would flip. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

You posted about 7 months ago with the same issue. Its not getting better.

You need to realize you deserve more. You arent respected and to make it worse he celebrates his spawns birthday with BM WITHOUT you.

At this point I would go all out raging. 

Frankly your BF is still attached to BM and his shite kids will never accept you.

Your BF is not ready for a relationship. Yea he may say you are the love of his life yada yada yada. Ask him what that means to him.

Stand up and walk out or if its your home kick him and the shite kids to the curb.

What stood out at me is he doesnt take you out for your bday, but does for the kids. What shite BF. He sure gets the best of bost worlds, his first family and the GF on the side who cooks cleans and beds him. 

Throw him back to BM .



Chalky.hands's picture

I'm raging.... inside. To be honest, I just did my best last night to hide how I was feeling...even though I'm aware avoiding communication is not a solution at all.


Rags's picture

Go full and total confrontation on this crap. Starting with ... .demanding that he immediately move his separationt to a full blown divorce.


Rags's picture



Chalky.hands's picture

Like the good old times I guess...

I didn't ask him how it was and he didn't say anything about it either so he must know I'm pissed off. I really hope he didn't pay for BM.

Now blaming myself as I haven't been able to communicate with him how I feel about it by fear it will end up in an argument. I just know his excuse for this is gonna be "it's just for the kids, it's just co parenting" and we won't agree on this.

In 3 weeks is SS13 birthday which I have a good relationship with

Stepdrama2020's picture

You should be able/allowed to communicate your feelings to the right man.

This chump KNOWS it is hurtful to you. Ya know what he really doesnt care. What he cares about is not pissing off his spawn and BM. Where does that place you? At the bottom. Not being mean here just want you to be able to stand up, walk out, and live your best life. I was in a marriage just like this. It sucked, I hated myself everyday a little more. That is until I released myself from the garbage guy and snot nosed SD.

However it doesnt matter what I want. Its what YOU want. Im dang sure though you want  none of this BS.

Life goes quickly. Dont waste it on a chump who does not value you.

Not that it matters but you know dang well he payed for BM. Thats what husbands do for their wives. I mean ex wife who is still treated like the wife.

Is he divorced or just separated? If still separated, Im gonna just say it. he aint getting divorced. What a lucky guy he gets his first family and the side piece GF who he strings along.

Im praying for you  BLESSINGS

Chalky.hands's picture

I ended up talking to him because he asked me what's going on. I burst into tears and told him how I was feeling about them going out and playing happy family. He was quite good about it and said he understand how I'm feeling. He also said it's not even like a "happy family" because they don't get along so well, they apparently didn't talk that much (but I'm not there to witness). He said that BM and him are quite in conflict about many things, but also things that involve me which I already knew.

I told him it's not his fault if BM is acting like that but he should stand up for me and do what's right to me, and he said he did stand up for me a few days ago. We were supposed to go out of town for the weekend to go watch SS13 play in sport tournament and when BM found out we wanted to go together she went furious and said she is not going if "the bitch is going"  (but she was supposed to bring kiddo there a day before as we are both working). Apparently he defended me but still cancelled the weekend.

Anyway she is away right now for the tournament, and I saw her boring text popping on his phone so asked him why she talking about her life we don't care about and he said he was just asking her how the weekend is going ?? So right he "stood up" for me when she called me a bitch but still text her days later like she is a friend. I told him why is he still talking to her if she calls me a bicth (for literally no reason as she doesn't even know me!!) and why can't he ask his son directly how the weekend is going? And he said "what, you want me to ignore them?" 

How can someone be so entitled that they tell their ex of 7 years and officially divorced that they can't do a weekend away with their partner?? It's beyong crazy to me ! 

ndc's picture

This isn't a BM problem (although she seems a rather low class individual) - she owes you nothing.  This is all on your DH. She can tell him not to take you all she wants, but he can also tell her to pound sand. If what you described is how he stands up for you, he's not much of a partner. 

Chalky.hands's picture

Divorced already! Their marriage was dead looong before separation too from what he told me.

AgedOut's picture

I'm blunt, especially when hurt or angry so I'd be the one that looked him square in the face and told him "I am not comfortable with you going on dates with your ex even w/ your children playing chaperone. If you want to play family, let's divide our things and you can move back in with them. I deserve better from you. If you can't do right by me, you can git yer shit n git out. "

Rags's picture

He needs that message and you should be at the birhday dinner together.

His catering to his XW and their spawn and keeping you as his backdoor partner, nope.

Respect yourself more than that.

He either is all in, our he is completely out.... of your life. Stop sacrificing  yourself on the alter of his failed family and failed family spawn.

He is not treating  you as the love of his life, nor is he behaving as  yours.

IMHO of course.


Chalky.hands's picture

He said he didn't mean to upset me and understand how I'm feeling, and said what he cares about is our relationship. It felt nice to hear. He asked what I think would be best to do for Birthdays, I said best to do 2 separates events and that I don't have to go out with him and kids if SD19 doesn't like me. So let's see what's happening in 3 weeks for SS13 I guess ?? 

He also said BM and SD19 are both trouble, and SD19 likes to be the centre of attention and has a bad attitude. So that's good that he admitted it, like I'm not crazy right! 

ndc's picture

Talk is cheap after his actions showed something totally different.  Hold him to what he's promised. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

WOW. What a prince. He said he understands how you are feeling. Let's see if he puts hos money where his mouth is when it comes to the birthday. I also wonder how he justifies texting BM "How's your weekend going?" after she calls you a bitch. 

Catmom024's picture

Yeah, BM and SD are both trouble because they've been enabled and get away with bad behavior.   He's basically scared of them.  I can guarantee he's more afraid of making THEM mad than he is of making YOU mad.  It's not going to change.   If you don't want to leave the relationship you'll have to request he not do the birthdays with his ex anymore (seems like he's ok with changing that and doing it separately) and just ignore all the rest.  

It's sad he couldn't go to his son's tournament because BM said he'd better not bring you.   She has a lot of control. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

This situation  isn't going to change until YOU change your conflict avoidant ways. You are PERMITTING this nonsense, so of course your bf is continuing to take the path of least resistance.

Why do you think you have to hide your feelings? Why do accept this abuse (shunning IS ABUSE)? Why are you okay with being treated like a second class citizen? What are you really, truly afraid of? You need to get to the core of your fears, because addressing them is the start of getting stronger and loving yourself enough not to allow people to wipe their feet on you. Nice guys finish last in steplife, and you are martyring yourself for these selfish Aholes. Why? 

 Could it be that the universe keeps presenting some very important lessons for you to learn, lessons that can help you evolve and get what you deserve in this life? I had to grapple with every one of these questions, and am a much better person for it. I spent the first eighteen years of my marriage being a doormat and resenting that everyone was treating me like one. This is what you're doing. But when I said ENOUGH!, things changed because I had changed. I scared the hell out of my DH, something that was long overdue. I stopped caring whether people liked me or not, what the skids and inlaws thought, even whether or not we stayed together. I faced my fears, got rid of the users and backstabbers, and now have peace in my life.

Face your fears, OP. Focus on personal growth, YOU and your happiness. Either your relationship gets better, or you can give some of the other four billion men out there a chance.