Is this normal?
My SS (14) comes over here every single weekend. He acts a lot less mature than kids his age (I teach this age group in middle school), he still cuddles with his dad like a little boy, and he has no friends of his own age. He has been moved schools twice because of bullying. He doesn't wear dedorant and stinks to high heaven. He is obsessed with video games and plays them from the time he gets up til the time he goes to bed. He doesn't know how to have simple conversations. He interrupts constantly if I try to talk to his father. And he has to have 100% of the attention when he is here. He constantly cries out, "Dad! Dad!" to make sure he has his dad's attention. My husband was waiting in the car today before we went to run an errand and I had to make two trips back inside. Even though the boy knew we were leaving, the fact that he heard footsteps at all inspired him to cry out, "Dad! Dad!" like this happened twice.
Here is what I am wondering is normal or not. When he is here, it is like I completely cease to exist. Husband sits in the video gaming room with his son for two days on end, speaking to me only if he needs me to go somewhere with him on an errand. I feel completely alone in the house and excluded. I am starting to feel really resentful. I am starting to really hate it when he is here.
What I see in my classroom is that kids at this age, for the most part, are heavily involved with their peers. Even the ones that I have strong relationships with spend time with me but then focus back on their friends. There is a balance between dependence and independence, with a greater emphasis on independence. I have two girls of my own, 8 and 10, and even though they are younger, they still have this pattern... time together, time apart.
Not normal but dad is the issue
Im guessing your DH doesnt know how to be a dad. He is probably doing all he knows to do, entertain SS with video games. What does he say about the clingy behavior? He is the only person who can change this. Perhaps he likes the unnatural closeness, from guilt or from missing the boy. I'd have a quiet talk with him when SD is not there but if he gets defensive or is in denial, then nothing will change.
It is odd because he parents
It is odd because he parents my own daughters really well, but with his own kid the name of the game is just give him 100% of his attention as long as he is here, ignore me, and enable the behavior. It almost feels as if he is making it a point somehow to show the kid that he is number one above me and when he is around, I don't exist.
Sure it is normal, for kids
Sure it is normal, for kids with crappy parents.
DH needs to force showers, run over the game system with the car, and force EOWE instead of EWE visitation.
It is your home, you can and should make sure DH clearly understands that your marriage needs EOWE without his needy failed family progeny and EOWE starts now.
Some 14-year-olds haven't hit
Some 14-year-olds haven't hit puberty yet, and might still act more like 12.
BUT, this is a symptom of the lack of parenting he's getting from his father (and I assume his mother, too).
Definitely not normal. He is
Definitely not normal. He is emotionally immature. You say DH is against counseling. Perhaps if you tried to convince DH that SS may benefit from counseling to deal with the bullying he has experienced.
Realistically SS is being bullied because of his immature behavior. But if you present it to DH differently he may agree to counseling which is what matters.
I can empathize with how you feel. I often feel like I live in the twighlight zone as both SKs are extremely emotionally immature.
I look forward to extracurricular activities with DS just to be around normal kids and be reminded SKs behavior is not normal.
The only positive in my situation is SO acknowledges that they are immature.
My SO will sometimes make
My SO will sometimes make excuses for 2 of his kids, saying "Well, you have to remember that they are about 3-4 years younger, maturity-wise, than their actual age." Like, yeah, and why is that? They aren't mentally handicapped so it has to be due to parenting!
To the OP.... no that's not
To the OP.... no that's not normal behavior for a 14 yo, IMO.
I have two grown up sons. At 14, neither of them would "sit and cuddle" with their Dad or I. They would have a chat, but then be off doing their own thing.
The behavior you describe is that of much younger children.
does he need to be assessed ?
does he need to be assessed ? sounds like a carbon copy of my exSS13 turning 14 soon. major seperation issues and has to have dads attention ALLLLLLL the time. Always interupting conversations and demanding all the attention all the time. problem with this kid though is he started acting out on not getting the attention and directed his anger at me for taking the attention. If he was ignored by his dad whilst I was talking,,, wow look out ,,,, my car would have a big scratch down it all of a sudden, the vindictive malicious behaviour got so bad i didnt feel safe and had them move out of my house! He took a chefs knife once and slashed freddie crougar slashes in my kitchen tea towels becasue he didnt get what he wanted. He is like your SS and would still want to sit on daddys lap , hold daddys hand and want to cuddle him,, thankfully DH never allowed this as he doesnt like being touched much