New around here- hoping this is a good place to vent!
Hello- first post for me. I've tried therapy and all sorts of tips and tricks, but I'm finally to the point that I just want to give up. My SS(15)'s BM had him when she was 19 and only pops into his life when it's convenient for her. She's so ridiculous, she even faked a miscarriage so she wouldn't have to take him this summer. I legitimately feel bad for him, but does he take that out on her? Nope! I get it. I try to treat him similarly to my own children, give him space, am available when he needs anything, but he is continually disrespectful. If I ask him anything, he completely ignores me. If I tell him "good morning," he ignores me. He goes through my stuff (and my kids' stuff) and takes whatever he wants. I put locks on everyone's doors and then started catching him going through our stuff when we're home! His stuff is his and he'll cuss my kids out if they go near his stuff, but our stuff... he helps himself. If I tell him no about anything, he does it anyway. When confronted about it, he just shrugs. No apologies or remorseful behavior. It's so ridiculous that when I told him to leave some BRUSSEL SPROUTS for others, he ate the rest of them over the pot in the kitchen!!! He seriously just waited for me to walk away and ate them anyway.
Want to know what pushed me over the edge to post here?? This morning I was using MY FAVORITE MUG and while I was in the bathroom, he grabbed it and poured out my coffee, because he wanted to use it for his hot chocolate.
This sounds all too familiar
This sounds all too familiar hon. My ss is 16, has terrible issues with his looser BM but we're the ones he takes it out on. Because we're the ones who are actually here. 2 things are helping me endure, one is disengaging as much as I am able to from him. I look in the mirror and remind myself he's not my kid and not my fault. The second is I have gotten very creative at coming up with consequences for bad behavior. He ticks me off, the router is getting a new password. He leaves his clothes all over the house, he's not getting back anything I pick up. Hes rude, the video games go to live at another kids house. And short term punishments don't work for my SS, like taking his phone for the day. Only major losses get through, like canceling the phone completely. If my ss thinks I'm out of cards to play he'll do whatever he wants. I have to make sure I always have something up my sleeve. I don't care if he ends up living with no technology or fun. If you do say there will be a consequence for bad behavior tho, you have to follow through every time or they won't believe you. Some kids are hardcore jerks tho. I feel for you!
I started disengaging this
I started disengaging this summer when he stole from me. I will be kind to him, but told his dad that I am no longer going to act motherly towards him. I iust can't anymore. I gave him 3 years of unconditional support- tried to start every single day as a new day: Asked him how his day was, help with his problems when he asked, cooked his favorite meals, etc. and the way he pays me back is nothing but disrespect and rude behavior. Thanks for the ideas!
I sooooo get it. At some
I sooooo get it. At some point you can't play mom for them anymore, you have to focus on getting through. My SS got a lot better for awhile, was even turning into a kind thoughtful kid and then his mom came back and sank the ship all over again. I don't know if he'll ever recover this time. Our ss was diagnosed as sever ODD. You sound like you might be dealing with something similar. Don't bother arguing with him, it just feeds their desire for chaos. I have found it to be effective to keep my headphones handy. For example when ss tries to argue about something I interrupt with "if you don't finish your homework assignments tonight I will keep your laptop for 2 weeks and we will sit together at the table while I watch you complete each assignment for school and I will check with the school that each paper was turned in. Or you can take care of it yourself and keep your computer access. The future is in your control." Then I put my headphones back in and walk away.... it usually works but the negative consequences have to make him much more uncomfortable than the task I need him to do. Reasoning with him doesn't work, we are literally down to carrot and stick methods. As for the stealing, the victims should get compensated from your ss things. I prefer a 1:3 compensation. He takes a shirt, they get to pick three of his to do what they want with.
I don't have an advice to
I don't have an advice to give ut wanted you to know I read your post and I do not blame you for your frustrations.
How does your husband feel
How does your husband feel about having a son who is a a rude, ungrateful, disrespectful thief? And what is he going to do about it?
Next time he steals from you, call the cops. Time to face real consequences, kiddo.
Strip his room. Give him the
Strip his room. Give him the bare necessities and take his door off too. Make him earn it all back with good behavior. Also stop being nice and tell him that he might be mad at his mom but he will not take it out on you all. Call him on his crap. Search on here for the burning platform for severe consequences ideas. DH needs to be doing more to protect you from his baggage. The other kids don't need that stress. It's unfair to them. Time to put your bitch boots on and demand change from DH. IMO.
Sounds like a great idea to
Sounds like a great idea to me! I have been called a "doormat" in the past and that's exactly how I feel. Constantly treating him with kindness he rarely, if ever, gives me. Bitch boots, here I come!
As horrible as it may sound:
As horrible as it may sound: he was told that if he ever steals from me again, he's going to his mother's. His dad is exhausted too. He's tried so many things too- taken all of his favorite items, took his freedoms away, etc., but the kid only cares about himself. I'm sure it has to do with being rejected by his mom, but a person can only take so much. What do they say... the narcissist is torn from the same cloth as an empath; one takes because they lost so much and the other gives so much because they know what it's like to be without. He definitely falls on the narcissist side of this one.
If that's the case he's going
If that's the case he's going to have a hard life. You can't help someone who doesn't want help. Plus he's not the only person in the family, you can only sacrifice so much for him
Have you tried telling him
Have you sat him down and told him that you aren't his bio parent and therefore not biologically wired to love him. He needs to work on a relationship with you just like he would any friend, coach or teacher. I told all 3 of my SS this when they were being @sses. And went on to explain that I like doing nice things for people I have a relationship with but why would I do anything for someone who was being a jerk.
I sorta did after he stole
I sorta did after he stole from me this summer. I explained that I have bent over backwards to treat him with kindness and respect- if I do something for my kids, I do the same for him and gave him examples of how horrible he's been to me. I told him that I'm only human and I'm this -> <- close to giving up, because what's the purpose of being nice to him if he can't even give me a fraction of that in return? He said nothing. Just stared at me. His dad told me that he talked to him and explained why it was important to apologize, which he never did. The only apology I've ever gotten from him was when he told me to go away, because I wasn't welcome on my birthday, back in 2019- He apologized in 2020 about a week before my birthday, without specifically saying what he was apologizing for- I told him I appreciated it. But that's it... no other time before or after.
after thought I guess I'd
after thought I guess I'd discuss w/ Dad the possiblity of the the next time things go missing or vandalism occurs and SS denies he has any part in it, tell him "I know it wasn't us and you say it isn't you and that we should believe you. We are calling the police to come because this is a crime." then do it and do it in front of him.. *ringring* "police dept., how can we help you?" "someone has broken into our home and robbed us, can you please send an officer" .......
Web cams, footage reviews
Web cams, Footage Reviews with Daddy Evenings. Locks on everything but his stuff.
Invoking a state of abject misery for him and an enjoyable state for everyone else tops off the zero tolerance campaign.
Invoke misery upon him.
I've thought of video cameras
I've thought of video cameras too- I need to do that. I'm so tired of walking on eggshells.