need help do we take back Christmas
Background SD is almost 17
BM has filled SD mind with terrible things about me and BD for as long as we have been together 12 years!
SD clearly does not want to be part of our family and makes that clear when here its always some reason why she cant come, when she does too tired, back hurts blah blah blah she does not participate even when we do fun things water park, movie night shopping she makes it clear she is misreable and she makes me and BD misreable too
Christmas....mind you she has a 4 year old sister
throws herself down on couch, clearly not interested in her gifts, reluctantly opens, forces a few grimace faces we try very hard to keep gifts even she actually made out better than her sister since her gifts clothing, gift cards etc are more expensive. done opening she throws herself down on couch again and covers her head....she is tired, she is misreable clearly doesnt want to be with us We try to engage her to spend time with the family she fights it clearly not interested and takes first chance to go hide again on the couch alone
11 when she goes back to her BM house she is flying out the door clearly not tired anymore. No call to grandparents to wish a merry christmas no call to anyone on our side of family who all have gifts waiting for her as we visit to celebrate the holiday
BD and I are feed up and dont want to keep rewarding her for this behavior, have discussed taking all her gifts and bagging them and talking to her about being disrespectful and unappreciative and let her know if she changes her attitude towards our family she can have them otherwise they are getting donated to someone who would appreciate them
thoughts?
I don't think she would
I don't think she would really care. She didn't want nor ask to be included in the first place.
At 17, this this likely her last Christmas she graces your home with her presence. If it's not, just stop with all the gift buying ...why keep buying for someone who wants no part in it?
behavior has gotten worse
behavior has gotten worse over past 2 years after her BM started court proceedings - they have since ended
but as downinsouthtx pointed out correctly its been going on way too long, i left it up to BD to handle and he avoids any conflict with SD.
although he wont say i am certain BD would rather "talk" and have no action (take the gifts back)
I would like to parent her like he 4 yr old sister. dont like, didnt want, dont appreciate = no presents problem solved
I was ready this year to take
I was ready this year to take back (i.e. remove from living area) the SDs gifts if they were as terrible this year as last year (complaining about them, breaking them right away, tossing them literally aside). At least the ones I took the time to purchase and/or pay for).
I would have felt no guilt. And DH could have stuffed it.
BUT luckily, they were gracious and appreciative.
I think DH had something to do with that as he was very aware of how I felt about gift receiving graciousness.
I say, remove them, bag them, put them in garage or attic and see if she notices or cares. If not, donate.
Cant take back a gift when
Cant take back a gift when given freely. DH can put his foot down though.
Does BM keep your husband in court?
He could be experiencing the :scared to do anything mode out of fear of BM.
It may be time to inform his almost adult daughter visitation will now be held outside your home 1x a week for dinner OR lunch. DH will have to cough up more cs because of no overnights.
And yes, he can do this since visitation is NOT an obligation on ncp part. WHEN after a period of many months daughter proves she will respect his authority and behaves in a decent manner 'then' maybe she will be invited back into your home. BUT not until she proves herself.
Our neighbors had to do this with their teen daughter. Lovely girl outside of the home but awful to SM and Dad inside their home. SHE and her Mother (bm) were in total shock and certainly never expected this.
It took over 1 year for her to come back to visit her dads but it worked. I will never forget Dads visit to our place right after his wife and him decided this was their last resort, as he explained why he and his wife did what they did. As much as it pained him he told us writing his now much higher cs check has brought his home much peace and his favorite check to write each month.
I know his daughter well and she has turned into a well rounded, respectful young women with a very bright future. She is not some cocky entitled girl anymore.
Intact families who have their wits about them do NOT allow smart ass kids run the show.
Let it all go this year; but
Let it all go this year; but start the New Year out with disengagement and don't buy one more gift. Let DH take the responsibility.
I did this after 30+ years with my grown Skids. Now they get nothing except a slight happy birthday; because DH forgets or never gets around to it.
Guess what; now they know how much I tried; they always thought it was their Dad that did it all.
They still aren't nice to me and I still don't do for them and have not for almost 7 years now.
I get the satisfaction of knowing, they know.
I SOOOOOO don't miss the
I SOOOOOO don't miss the spoiled brat behaviour!!!!!
Eight Christmases Skid-free!!!!!!
Since being nice to her isn't
Since being nice to her isn't working... try making her life one of abject misery.
When she pulls her toddler tantrum pouty crap send her to her room. "If you can't act your age and participate in this family as a young adult then just go to your room and stay there." If she does not snap to then increase the misery level. Shut down wifi in your home, turn her into the chore queen when she is in the home, etc, etc, etc..... And have fun doing it. }:)