Need Advice/Encouragement
Hello all! I am new here. I read tons of forum posts before getting up the nerve to actually post here. I have tried posting in other forums, but I had to wipe the blood off my neck from all of the vicious "perfect stepmothers" who attacked me because I said that couldn't stand my SS. You people seem REAL, and real is just what I need.
My husband and I have been married 8 years. I have a 16 year old SS and I have two children in their early 30's. My husband is still active duty in the Army so for the first 5 years we didn't see my SS a whole lot and to be quite honest the month long summer visits were a bit more than I could deal with. Three years ago we moved back to OK where my SS lived with his POS BM. By this time SS was almost 15 and was getting in a lot of trouble in school due to lack of supervision, no structure, etc. I grudgingly agreed that he could come live with us, for a few reasons. #1 was that he would move to a new school district (his BM lived in the hood) and would be in a better school and hopefully have better friends. #2, we could stop paying $700 mo in c/s (if hindsight were 20/20 on this one), and #3 it would give SS and husband the opportunity to bond once again as they had not been in close contact for 5 years. I really didn't think SS would stay with us long because we actually have expectations of him, rules, and structure.
Well, no good deed goes unpunished. Fast foward 16 months and he is still with us, and I am pondering divorce. BM moved 1500 miles away recently, so there is no weekend break anymore. It's not like SS is a BAD kid. He is not disrespectul, he helps around the house when reminded incessantly and continuously prodded. He makes okay grades in school, doesn't do drugs or drink. I'm sure most of you all would love to trade places with me based on some of your stories that I have read.
Well, here is the downside.... He is 16 going on 10. He won't bathe or brush his teeth unless told to do so, he is a social outcast, has no life, sits around under my husband and I every evening until we go to bed, says he is depressed and that he has tried to commit suicide before, never leaves the house, doesn't drive because he is so irresponsible I wouldn't dare put him in a car, and goes everywhere we go. My husband and I have no marriage anymore, no time to ourselves, no privacy, etc. Not to mention that parenting another kid is the LAST thing I had any intention of doing. I resent my SS so bad I can hardly stand to look at him. Some days I work late, go home, eat, and go to my room just so I don't have to look at him. He seriously disgusts me with the lack of table manners, greasy hair, foul breath, etc. I vascilate between feeling incredibly sorry for him and wishing he move the hell out and go back to live with his mother. Half of me feels incredibly selfish, and the other half just wants out of this situation all together. My DH is stuck slam in the middle.
Someone please give me some advice. I am not an evil person, I am just miserably unhappy is this SM role. I did not bargain for this. Yes I knew my DH had a son, but I never expected that he would be living with us, and even if that should have been expected -- I thought it would be a "normal" child, not a 16 year old going on 10. Also, BM quit her job when she moved and doesn't pay a nickel of child support. Without my income my husband wouldn't even be able to feed this gluttenous child. This just adds to my resentment. I see so much of BM in SS it makes me gag.
Maybe it's time to tell your
Maybe it's time to tell your DH that it's time for SS to move back with his mother. If that's not an option send him to visit her for a summer, or grandparents. He has to understand that you need a break. If he doesn't , go on a break. Take a mini vacation with a friend for a week or even a weekend. Get away from SS and not worry about his lack of hygiene or his pitty me suicide talk.
I know that sounds harsh, but most people who actually want to harm themselves will not announce it, they will just do it. If he's going around talking about it, he just wants attention.
What is your husband's stance
What is your husband's stance on all of this? Does he agree that SS doesn't behave properly? Does he see any issue, does he try to help him/fix his issues?
As for the suicidal talk etc. I'm not sure, have y'all tried taking him to any therapy?
My DH and I have been working on teaching SS12 responsibility for himself, if he doesn't get up on his own, get his responsibilities done (make lunch, get dressed, brush teeth & hair, etc.) he loses video games until he is able to complete them. Have y'all tried anything like this? Sit him down, tell him what his responsibilities are, outline them, heck write them down if necessary, and tell him that stating X he is responsible for these things. If he does not complete them when he is supposed to there will be X punishment.
As for him coming everywhere with you two, tell your DH that you need some private time with him to focus on your relationship. Designate certain night(s) that just the two of you will go and do something, and stick to it!
I would love to tell my DH
I would love to tell my DH that SS needs to go back to his mother, except for the fact that SS's BM is pond scum and has barely had any contact with him since she moved. My DH knows what a lousy mother she is and it would break his heart to send his son back to live with her -- not to mention what it would do to my already troubled SS. I guess I do have a heart in there somewhere. That makes me feel like I am forcing my DH to choose between me and his son, and I don't think is really fair to him.
The "brain" side of me says that the marriage should always come first, and if the SS is disrupting the marriage, he needs to go. Not to mention my husband has control over some of these behaviors of SS, and chooses not to do anything about it.
I am so angry all the time, and so fed up with SS it's not like he is living in a "happy" home anyway... I just feel like there has to be some other solution. My husband and I went to FL for a week in August when SS was visiting his mother right before she moved. It was wonderful, but as soon as SS stepped foot in the house I was angry and bitter again. I have a $250,000 house that I don't even want to go home to.... such a shame.
Thanks for the advice though, especially the part about sending him back to BM. If only it were that easy....
If living with her is not an
If living with her is not an option, then a visit to her over the summer or some school holidays would do worlds of good. Even if it's just visiting his BM's side of the family for a weekend. Take that time to focus on each other and relax and do some naughty things. }:)
Ok, my BS25 is a stinky
Ok, my BS25 is a stinky fucker. He comes from the school that if he didn't SWEAT, he doesn't need to shower daily. He thinks 3 showers a week are enough. He recently moved back into my home TEMPORARILY because he and his GF broke up and neither of them could afford the rent without the other.
When he came back, I told him he had to shower EVERY SINGLE NIGHT or else I was putting him out again. I literally said "I am not freaking joking, if I EVER come home and I smell you, you're outta here."
I don't know why boys are so disgusting. My BS16 is a CLEAN freak, he showers twice a day, washes his hair EVERY DAY and uses his Proactive like clockwork, but some boys are just freaking NASTY.
Do you think that when he turns 18 you can get rid of him? He doesn't sound likes he's awful, he does sound like he needs a friend though. Any activities that interest him? I'm sorry you are going thru this. Despising your SS is not out of the ordinary at all, most people LIE and won't say how they truly feel. That's what I love about this site, most of us, will never judge you. Welcome...
Thank you all so much for the
Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice and co-miserating.... at least I don't feel all alone in the world, or like the wicked SM. I couldn't agree more that my DH needs to step up to the plate, and trust me, we have discussed all of this ad-nauseum. My DH says he is "overwhelmed." My SS is his only child, so he hasn't raised any teenagers. I have raised two, so I understand a lot more about it than he does. Problem is, he won't listen. If I point out something SS has left lying around, or that you could fry chicken in his hair, DH will pick up whatever is lying around and tell SS to get in the shower. Beyond that he is at a loss, and quite frankly so I am. Nothing motivates this kid, and nothing taken from him makes a difference. My DH actually took TV and video games away over 3 weeks ago and forgot to give them back, and SS never asked once about it. SS is a VERY strange character.
My SS has been in counseling for nearly two years, so he does have someone to talk to, and I believe the suicide talk is just a cry for attention at this point. His counselor recommended that when SS moved in with us that we give him a written list of our expectations of him and what he can expect from us. We did that. His chores, along with the expectations are posted on the wall in his room. We take things away when he doesn't do what he is supposed to do, but it doesn't phase him. He would rather not have TV or video games in his room because they he can sit up under us 24/7. I'm surprised he doesn't ask to sleep in the bed with us! LOL
I know he is not a bad kid and it's not like he has any really appalling behavior that makes me feel the way I do about him. I just don't want to be a SM, and terribly resent his presence in my home and his intrusion into my life and our marriage. I truly feel he is ruining our marriage. I get mad and say things about SS to my DH that I shouldn't say, just out of anger and sheer frustration. I can't fix this by myself! I like the advice about disengaging, but I don't think the things I do for him are what make me so resentful. It is just the fact that I have to look at him everyday, as terrible as that sounds....
Welcome! When I first joined
Welcome! When I first joined this forum I was at wits end. I felt like I finally found someplace that I could complain and bitch and be heard and understood. Someone here sent me the following link on disengaging
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
and it helped tremendously. So, when you want to vomit at the sight of your SS (been there, done that) read and re-read it. Good luck. You can do this.
Your SS is very likely
Your SS is very likely clinically depressed and not kidding when he tells you he tried to commit suicide before. Lack of interest in hygiene can be a direct result of depression. He might also have some developmental issues. You need to have him evaluated by 1. a psychiatrist in your nearest children's hospital 2. your school district's special education people. The answer might be a residential therapeutic program that will have people trained to work with depressed, anxious, unmotivated teenagers. Once you have a diagnosis (or 4), you should send the psychiatrist's evaluation to your school district and request a psycho-educational evaluation. You may also want to find a child/parent advocate right now and get advice on how to proceed in your specific state - they might know better doctors, hospitals, schools for you to consider.
If you play your cards right, the school district will be responsible for footing the (pretty heavy) bill for a residential school with therapeutic supports.
You will need help getting there though. This is based on my professional experience with depressed teens.
The rest is my personal opinion: I agree that marriage comes first as in, you and your DH are a team, or you are playing for the same team, your DH is not in the middle,
he is with you. But a CHILD's needs have to be met. This 16yo is crying out for help, talking about suicide. Do not listen to people who tell you to disengage. Nothing will get done if you do. Your DH is overwhelmed. This kid is suffering and if you are playing on the same team as your husband it falls on you *too* to help the boy. He might have developmental delays, or just a mood disorder. Whatever it is, he will not be able to find a way out of this mess on his own. Man-to-man talks are useless. He sounds like he needs professional help. Help him get it.
SS has been in counseling for
SS has been in counseling for over two years. He was diagnosed with ADHD about 5 years ago and put on medication. However he was not living with us at the time and his egg donor decided he didn't need it and didn't give it to him. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist Oct 7. I want him tested again for ADHD, personality disorders, psychiatric disorders, etc. IMO he needs medication (and so will I before long). All of the meds and treatment are free because DH is active duty military. I am not a cold, heartless bitch, I want SS to get help and I want him to be OK and succeed in life -- I just wish he would be OK somewhere else.... sorry, but that is how I feel. I have my doubts about whether or not he was serious with his suicide attempt, but I do feel that ALL suicide attempts and threats should be taken seriously and that is why he is going to a professional.
My biggest problem with all of this is that I DO NOT WANT TO RAISE ANOTHER CHILD!!!!!!! I couldn't be more serious about this. I don't particularly care for kids to start with. I raised my two, and they have been out of the nest for years. It is hard enough to raise a "normal" child, and I am stuck with one with a host of problems.... He is not mine -- I do not love him, nor do I have a bond with him. To me, he is an invader in my house and a wedge between me and my husband. My husband is my soul mate. We are PERFECT for each other aside from the SS. I wish I could turn back time and never allowed him to move in with us. Now it is too late to send him away. If I insist that he go back to his mother's, my DH will hold that against me for the rest of my life. If he stays with us, I will hold it against my DH. It is a LOSE, LOSE situation and it just makes me sick....
OMG!! I think your SS16 has 3
OMG!! I think your SS16 has 3 sisters in Australia Squawgirl! Their Mother is MIA also....3 states away... and NO contact.
Same, Same and Same!!!
Do not bath, do not brush their teeth, constant attention seeking behaviour, SD12 wrote a strategicly placed letter saying she doesn't know if she want to kill me more than herself, etc etc etc.
SDs also extremely immature, can't do anything without giving instructions constantly.....such as cling wrapping sandwiches FFS. Baby behaviour, standing out front of house giggling and slapping each other. We had 2 poo incidences by 2 different SDs, one in her pants and then bounced up and down on trampoline and another decided it was easier to do in bathroom vanity sink than walk 7 steps to toilet....
Unfortunately I can not say SDs are not bad kids, they lie, they steal, they connive...
Just big hugs