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Aimee303's picture

I just found a vape pen, switchblade knife, and refillable blades under my 17 y/o SS bed. I told my husband I am not okay with this. He said to put them back & at dinner tonight we'll ask him to bring them up. I have knots in my stomach anticipating that conversation. My husband is very passive when it comes to consequences for negative behavior. Any advice?

justmakingthebest's picture

Ask you husband what he plans on saying.

Help guide the confrontation back to the points your DH expresses with you- don't let it get off topic.

Make sure that you are comfortable with his punishment- express what you want to happen directly to your husband. Don't dance around the topic. Men aren't mind readers. "I need ___ and ____ to happen for me to feel comfortable in our home."

Aimee303's picture

SS is very manipulative. When he's called on his poor behavior, breaking the rules, etc he cries, tells us he's depressed and that he needs antu-depressants (a huge reason I don't want him having knives! - his own safety). And Dad falls for it every time - comforts him, apologizes, and no consequences for initial 'rule-breaking.' It feels like the teenager is running the house instead of the adults. The kid gets everything he wants and throws a tantrum (at 17!) When told no. The only time my husband and I fight is when it comes to patenting decisions about SS. I'm scared to death he will be living with us when he's 25 and that this could possibly ruin our marriage. (I know - i'm trying to find a therapist.) I don't know any other SPs and family/friends are getting sick of me venting because they have no idea how hard this is.

justmakingthebest's picture

So he says he is depressed- do you have him talk to a therapist? Maybe he does need anti-depressants. If you are worried about self harm- have him admitted on a psych hold- CALL HIS BLUFF. 

"SS, you are grounded from ____ for a week, that doesn't change you having a consequence for your actions. I will call a therapist and get you in as soon as possible and if they believe you need medication we will make sure you get it. "

Evil4's picture

In my opinion, your DH told you the bare minimum to shut you up. Don't let it go. Just saying that he'll ask his kid to bring that stuff up at dinner time is not good enough. What exactly does that mean? My H was always very passive when it came to my feral SKs as well. I'd usually get the bare minimum told to me to shut me up but as usual, I'd get disappointed over and over again when all my SKs would get was my H merely mentioning it and nothing more. Then, I'd be the one going insane because my SKs continued whatever behaviour it was, one of which was constant pot smoking and contraband in the house. I had to really come down on my H to get him to take action. 

If you know your H is passive when it comes to your SS, I would make it so that your H squirms. Passive men don't want to be uncomfortable but they have no problem making their wives uncomfortable with living with bad stuff in the house and watching their SKs get away with bloody murder. It's your home too. I suggest really pressing your H for what his plans are and let him know that you would be very unsatisfied with nothing less than (fill in the blank here). 

Also, do not stand for any bullshit about how you found the stuff and what were you doing in your SS' room invading his privacy etc. 

Aimee303's picture

Oh, yes! You know I'm going to hear that: "What were you doing snooping through my things? You invaded my privacy. You don't trust me." No, I don't and here's what I found.

Thank you for the advice about making H uncomfortable/squirm for once. This is not going to be a pleasant conversation, but I need to hold my ground.

Findthemiddle's picture

If it were me- I would NOT be present during the “talk” tonight.   I would tell my husband to leave me entirely out of it.   Also, tell your husband what has to happen for the situation to be considered handled.  The boy sounds like he needs therapy.  So sorry that you are caught in this middle of this mess.

simifan's picture

Why in the world would you put them back? That is insane. Your DH needs to parent, if he's putting the stuff back, I wouldn't count on anything happening. Decide on your boundaries. 

Aimee303's picture

So. We had a nice dinner and at the end the H asked SS to bring up everything under his bed. He did. And we spent the next hour-and-a-half talking about it!! About how the knife has sentimental value and the vape helps him cope with his anxiety. Ugh. Bottom line, and thank you H for supporting me, you are not of age to have these things. SS got really upset, grabbed 2 items, and essentially squared off with his dad, fists clenched. Dad gave him several opportunities before tempers flared. And now SS has spent the past 2 nights sleeping in his closet (security issues? He's 17) and not doing a damn thing. He's pissed at me because I turned off his internet - too bad- I explained to him his father and I have worked hard for 40 years to afford these things & if he would like to contribute to our houshold, he too can have some of these amenities. Of course he didn't like hearing that & told us he was saving up for his own router - I don't think he understands how the internet works, but fine. Why don't you start by getting a job & saving up for your own apartment?! This is how a 17 y/o acts when he's never been told no before. I congratulated my sister for teaching her 4 y/o this, so she won't be where I am now. It's called parenting!!

Rags's picture

Start building the fire for the burning platform now and keeping turning up the heat as the months tick off until he turns 18 or HS graduation, whichever comes last.

For clueless kids a structured firm approach to growing up and launching is often necessary.  Invoking an existence of abject misery may also be necessary.

My skid was for the most part a great kid and even he needed the heat of a burning platform and an increasing state of abject misery to launch.

Aimee303's picture

Thank you, everyone, for your past advice.

I LOVE the Burning Platform strategy & am in my own way starting some of those 'uncomfortable' ...things. The BD doesn't agree with any of it because he is such a protective teddy bear/best friend with his son, so I feel like it is kind of secretive (deceitful?), but my own sanity depends on this. The SS wakes up at noon every day; is late to a 1:15 pm job everyday - I'm wondering when he's going to get fired; can't find time to do his household chores; gets to spend time with his 'theyfriend' (girlfriend?) 3 times a week; and Dad thinks this is all ok. Am I crazy? He tells me i'm overreacting when I get upset about this situation.