Need Advice
SO has a S13 and I have a BD12. For the first year everything was fine, we did stuff together bike rides, etc. and everyone got along well with only minor problems. The last year things have gone downhill due to his S13's attitude. S13 is the only child, only grandchild on BM's side. He has all the attention from BM, BGM and BA (the "coven".) Things really hit the skids when I told SO that I wasn't going to wait until noon on Saturday to hear from S13 before making plans. Numerous times SO and I would make plans and then S13 would call and I was dumped. I understand that SO has a very difficult work schedule which changes all the time which makes it hard for him to make plans with anyone. Finally got SO to tell S13 if I don't hear from you by Thursday night I am going to make plans and not cancel them. S13 called the bluff and SO stuck to his guns. This resulted in S13 not calling or seeing his dad for over 6 weeks. Now S13 is coming around again and his attitude is worse than ever. If I walk next to his dad he gets in between us. Took both kids kayaking was sitting on a beach area told both kids we just want 5 minutes to talk to each other - my daughter was fine with it, his S13 stood right in front of us and whined "come swim with me dad" Ugh I could go on and on. Won't answer me when I talk to him, thinks he knows everything, talks to me in a rude and disrespectful manner, tattles, etc. I think what is going to be the final straw is that SO had a birthday party for S13 at his house after S13 asked. I attended however I was blind-sided by not only did BGM and BA show up but in strolls BM just like it was her house (she still has the marital home, this is one that SO bought by himself) and SO did nothing about it! Didn't ask her to leave, nothing! Keep in mind that "the coven" had their own birthday party for S13 two days prior. Tried to break things off but SO got very upset and said he still wanted to be together. I really love this guy and when it is just me and him or me, him and my daughter things are great. I'm at my wit's end. I don't want to go anywhere with this kid. Any advice?
Nothing a swat to the ass of
Nothing a swat to the ass of finger snap to the lips won't fix. For some reason a little corporal punishment closes the circuits to the brain. Particularly with teen boys in the throws of teen boy brainfart-itis.
sueu2 is right about a lot of
sueu2 is right about a lot of her comment, it is the father's fault. I would never let any of my DDs act like that to an adult. And he is scared that S13 will not come around and I get that but right there you have just handed all the control to a 13 year old. S13 pulls a lot of his bad behavior when dad isn't around to see it. Believe me I have walked away and bit my tongue so many times I couldn't even begin to count them as I feel its not my place to discipline him. SO and I don't live together and due to his work schedule the only free time he has to see anyone is on weekends so I always give him time alone with dad and son for the first day and usually just go over on the second day. SO did talk me into going on vacation the past week with him and S13 - big mistake never again! S13 went off on me the last day in front of his dad and dad's grandparents. Dad just says his name - no apology, no you don't talk to adults like that. Anyway decided that i'm going to have a long talk with SO about the situation and tell him its up to him to fix it and I'm not going to be around the S13 until he does something about it. SO will want to stick his head in the sand but maybe that's where I need to leave him -- with his head in the sand.
My sd and my dh had many of
My sd and my dh had many of the same behaviors and dynamics. I agree with you, when we were dating I didn't feel it was my place to say anything to her or even to him, really. But the longer we were together I started asking him what his parenting philosophy was and tried to understand what his grand plan was. It wasn't until after we married that it finally hit me he has no idea what he's doing!
So this is where you figure out if you can problem solve together. That coven casts a long shadow over your boyfriend. It may be actually impossible for him to emerge from it. But you giving him the firm boundary that this kind of life does not appeal to you and is a dealbreaker will give him his best chance. I wonder how many other girlfriends he has already lost over this?
The BM will be a first class nightmare. She waltzed into his house for a birthday party 2 days after she had given the same kid a birthday party? Oh, she is not done with your boyfriend and she is hellbent on ruining that kid.
Try the problem solving together. This entails you both being able to say some pretty raw and honest things to each other but still be respectful and respected and loved and come up with some plan that works for both of you. You are the monkey wrench in the precariously set out Rube Goldbergian device that is his life. He will be afraid to make changes for fear of the whole thing coming crashing down. He has no idea he can build his life on bricks instead of old ping pong balls, chopsticks, and fishing line. You are standing on the bricks going, "what the heck are you hanging on to that rickety old torture device for?" So that is a wide gap in perspective to bridge. If you can do it, that's a good partnership.
But odds are not necessarily with you. Your attitude of being willing to leave him in his head in the sand position is important and will serve you well.
How the heck did GBM and BM
How the heck did GBM and BM get invited? Or did they just walk in themselves? Nuh-uh would I stay if my SO didn't throw their butts out or at least let me know it's not happening again. If he invited them... well, I'd be running faster than a jackrabbit on fiyah.
Thanks Chief for your great
Thanks Chief for your great advice and thoughts that's exactly what I was looking for! The coven wasn't invited at all SO thought BGM was dropping off a cookie she made because S13 couldn't possibly have a regular cake like every other kid. SO thought she was going to drop off and leave and didn't have any idea at all that BM was coming over. SO didn't want to make a "scene" and spoil S13's birthday party. Took everything I had in me not to knock her on her butt. She causes problems all the time for SO like not making house payments for over a year, house went into foreclosure, SO's credit in the toilet. S13 lives most of the time with the BGM but BM still collects CS every month while she lives at SO's ex-best friend's house who she was sleeping with and got caught. LOL just reading this -- it's too much crazy and too much drama for me. I work every day, take care of my DDs by myself and my parents too -- no room in my life for this drama.
You're very welcome. Come
You're very welcome. Come back and update us!
No kids for a day so SO and I
No kids for a day so SO and I had quite the long talk. He wanted me to go to his parent's house 6 hours away with him and SS13 this coming weekend. I told him that until he got his son's behavior under control I would not be making anymore long car trips with him. SO said (sometimes I think he tells me that he going to say something to pacify me) that he would use the drive time to talk to S13 again and explain to him that I am important to him and not going anywhere and that S13 better start showing some respect. We'll see what happens. SO picked S13 up on Sunday kid totally walked past me as I was sitting on the deck with my mother and didn't say a word to me. He did however, make it a point to stop and say to my mother "hello how are you" like it would hurt my feelings if he didn't speak to me. LOL uh no I actually prefer that you not speak to me. Also told SO that I would not even consider moving in together until he does something about his S13's attitude and he cleans up the whole financial mess made by BM. Until them I'm perfectly fine sitting back in my own house with BD12. I knew it had potential to get ugly as SS13 is an "only" and the coven either baby him or treat him as an adult. Its not just me, the kid has problem making friends, the school has called the parents in to supervise him in after-school activities, etc. My focus is where it needs to be -- on BD12. Have to say though the "I'm outta here" talk resulted in SO stepping up to the plate with regards to me and him issues.
This is wonderful news: 'the
This is wonderful news: 'the "I'm outta here" talk resulted in SO stepping up to the plate with regards to me and him issues.'
It is a good sign that you two can really partner.
If school can't even trust that boy to do after school activities without a parent policing him, that kid certainly has problems. You are doing the whole family a favor by motivating dad to step it up. You do not have to sacrifice yourself to that goal, but it is what it is.
Thanks for coming back and updating the thread. Good luck!