Ned suggestions for consequences

Forums:

How do you punish a 14 year old brat with entitlement issues who has no friends, hobbies, notable interests, or real routines, and whose idea of a good time is basically just laying in bed? Her dad already takes her phone and computer away regularly and closely monitors her online/app use because of how many times she’s used shitty judgement before (this kid never learns, I swear).

Sending her to her room is basically a joke, and so is taking away electronics. Making her actually hang out with her few friends would be better punishment than depriving her.

Anyone have a similar situation or suggestions?

*Need

If she enjoys lying in bed,

If she enjoys lying in bed, could you give her work to do as punishment? Like washing the cars, cleaning the garage or similar projects? The problem with that, of course, is that you'll need a punishment for when she doesn't do it, if she's that kind of defiant kid.

Such an entitled little brat.

She’s that kind of defiant kid. It’s hard enough to get her to do basic chores a frickin 5 year old is capable of. Her dad has never really understood this exotic concept of “consequences.” He’s tried but he’s always inconsistent. Times where he’s taken away phone privileges or not let her watch a movie on a Friday night, it’s like it doesn’t phase her. This is a huge source of resentment for me, because she’s under the impression that she runs the household. She’s such an entitled brat sometimes.

What's the behavior that

What's the behavior that needs punishing?

God, where do I begin...

Mouthing off and interrupting the adults to chew them out/cuss them out/police our tones when she’s being disciplined...

Not doing basic chores when asked and being a massive slob that I’m constantly picking up after (and when I call her out on her insolence, she constructs total bs arguments about why she didn’t or how she was feeling mad about something I supposedly said that rubbed her precious little baby emotions the wrong way...I’m talking about a reasonably stern “please do that thing I’ve asked you to do 5 times....now.”)

Starting shit with me or her dad to try to create a blowup or divide us and/or her BM (we do not take her bait but she needs to understand there are consequences for this nonsense)

Manufacturing a crisis out of thin air for attention

Generally acting like a manipulative little asshole. Gee, I can’t WAIT till she’s a full blown high schooler....*eye roll*

It’s worth mentioning that

It’s worth mentioning that she’s in a special partial hospitalization program right now instead of school to deal with severe anxiety and depression...and that she has completely maxed out all of my sympathy/empathy cards at this point for what she struggles with. It’s one thing when a kid can learn from mistakes and take feedback, and another when they’re painfully aware of how they’re being manipulative little shits and doing it out of spite.

What does the heads of the

What does the heads of the 'special program' suggest the family do?

Follow the guidelines of the professionals treating her mental health...hell give them a call tomorrow and ask for a meeting for parents. Tell them everything you wrote here in your post..........their solution and recommendation will be answered in a 10 to 15minutes tops.

GoodLuck

Thanks, we're already having

Thanks, we're already having weekly parent meetings with them and figuring out some of the bigger stuff here. In the meantime, I needed an at-home solution starting like, yesterday.

This morning I put together

This morning I put together an awesomely detailed list in different sections:
A. The Infractions, B. The Expectations, C. The Consequences (in four different levels of severity/applicability!), D. The Chore List. Plus I created a rough chore schedule that she's going to stick with.

My SO is very happy with what I put together and is totally onboard with enforcing it consistently (even though BM likely won't). He's ready to back me on it, which is a major improvement from where we were at the past couple of years.

My favorite consequence is the one where she has to go to bed 30 minutes earlier for each infraction. Then she has to gradually earn back each 30 minute block by doing what she's supposed to the first time she's asked.

This one is really going to piss her off, and that's going to feel so good.

If all she does is lay in her

If all she does is lay in her bed...... get rid of the bed.

Stand her in a corner with her nose touching the intersecting walls so she can’t see crap. She does what she is told or she lives in a state of abject misery.

Don't forget to include some

Don't forget to include some rewards. Rewards incentivise. Punishments inhibit. Maybe there's something she really wants?

This sounds crazy, but I

This sounds crazy, but I suggest isolation. There's so many cases of troublesome teenagers where the parents cause more conflict than they need to. She has documented mental illness so there's even LESS reasoning ability.

Interacting with this girl causes problems, so don't allow it. Don't have or start conversations with her unless there is an emergency. Don't encourage her to leave her room unless it is to leave the house or use the bathroom. Deliver meals to her room and take the plate from outside the door. Have her do her laundry when you're not around.

As long as she's going to school, isn't having physical medical issues, and is getting medical care, there are no concerns. When she's 18, she moves out. Done.

On punishments and rewards.

Violations of reasonable standards of behavior and performance derive consequences. The more dedicated the the violations, the more intense the consequences. Eventually the balance of misery is reached that motivates compliance.

Regarding rewards, compliance IMHO is not worthy of reward. Since this is just what is reasonable and must be done compliance avoids some state of abject misery and that is its own reward.

I have always been confused when parents rewards a kid for what they should be doing and punishes them with what they should be doing. Chores for example. Chores are what a kid is responsible for completing as part of the household and family. They do them or they experience consequences. Neither should chores be used as punishment. Since chores are what they should be doing couching them as punishment sends entirely the wrong message IMHO.

Significantly exceeding the standards of reasonable behavior and performance should return a notable improvement in the state of existance. Expect and demand compliance, apply escalating age appropriate consequences for non compliance, reward behavior that exceeds the standard.

Keep it simple.

Links

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-discipline-your-child-e...

This is a good article. Doesnt work for me though because my DH doesnt give consequences or let SD face natural consequences. He says "we had a good talk". That's his idea of consequences. He hasnt figured out that anyone can nod and agree and tell you what you want to hear to get you off their back.

I'm happy for you that your DH is onboard and supportive of you.

You are here

Ned suggestions for consequences