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My stepson thinks he’s better than everyone else

Biostep7777's picture

I'm struggling with this. My SS15 is literally the most arrogant person I have ever met ( even worse than HCBM and she is BAD) He makes fun of people that have less than him, if anyone goes to community college or a trade school instead of an Ivy League school they are "losers" according to him, he keeps calling himself an "alpha male" One of my daughter's friends goes to school with him and she said to my daughter "I hate to say this but nobody can stand him at school. He is so annoying. He thinks he is better than everyone else"  we deal with this at home too. He thinks he should have special privileges, thinks he's the most important in the house, that he's better, smarter, the best at everything he does, better at everything anyone else does. 
 

I am really having a hard time being around him. It's absolutely disgusting to me. DH can't stand it either and tries to fix it but af this age, he is just getting worse by the day no matter what we do or say. It's seriously disgusting and I dread being around him. His mother thinks he's an absolute joy. She tells him constantly how exceptional he is. She is creating a narcissist monster but thinks he is so wonderful. He is truly a horrible human being. Diesbf care about anyone. Says awful things about people. It's absolutely nauseating. Anyone else go through this? What did you do? 

Winterglow's picture

Turn it back on him when he says awful things about people. Ask him how he'd feel if someone said bad things about him when he couldn't defend himself.

My Latin teacher did this to our class once. We were discussing teachers by their (usually unflattering) nicknames when he walked into the classroom and he asked us if we ever wondered what nicknames the teachers gave us. I was stunned, I'd never considered that before lol

notarelative's picture

BM and son are going to be majorly disappointed when/if he doesn't get into an Ivy League school. Every year applicants with near perfect grades and test scores apply, and only under 10% are accepted. Unless he has some special talent, he's a legacy, someone's going to donate a large amt of money, etc he may find himself disappointed.

And even if he gets in, once he gets there and finds that he's just another smart kid in the crowd, and there are lots smarter, things may not go well.

Unfortunately, if he's living primarily with BM and she is feeding him this constantly, Dad is not going to be able to completely counter this. I have a nephew who grew up in similar circumstances and life has not gone well for him thus far (he's mid 40s now).

Biostep7777's picture

She thinks he's "exceptional" because he is "academically gifted" millions of people are "gifted" there is nothing exceptional about him. She thinks he is the best at everything. He's not. It's delusional on both of their parts. 

stepmomnorth's picture

My step kid is like this. Sooo rude and nonstop. Thinks she's better then everyone. Nonstop comments to that effect. My girls decided to do a grade 9 summer course for school and my step kid made fun of them for choosing to do so. All while she sits around and did nothing all summer but go on Tik tok, and complain how dumb everyone is. I don't really have much to offer, as I never really did find a way to combat her constant rudeness. I would call her out, and say stop you are being rude, and she seemed surprised I said that. But then she still went on and acted rudely, as if she was better then everyone around her. It's annoying. 

ESMOD's picture

Life has a way of knocking people like this down.. hahaha.  Usually all you have to do is sit and wait.  Absolutely your DH can tell him it's unkind to talk poorly about others... that not everyone has the advantages he does and he should be thankful he is as lucky as he is.

Biostep7777's picture

Life seems to be working great for HCBM. She has a great job and by her own admission is the best mother that has ever lived. Hahahaha!!!

CastleJJ's picture

Narcissists raise narcissists. My SS9 is similar to this. Because BM is a narcissist and has to be the best, it is expected that SS is also the best and BM encourages his bragging and belittling others. If SS is the best, then it reflects positively on BM and makes her MOTY. So SS brags about his academic abilities, his athletic abilities, his "family money," etc. In reality, SS is average athletically, and smart but not gifted, and honestly, BM doesn't have "family money" and they live an average lifestyle. It's super annoying because DH and I are humble and don't follow that. 

Your DH has to knock him down a few pegs when appropriate and ignore him at other times. If SS is being disrespectful, DH needs to handle it and put SS in his place. If SS is just raving and talking himself up, ignore him. Life has a way of knocking these people down when their entitlement runs out and they don't get what they want. Of course, people like that don't ever accept their own failures and try to place blame on anything else, but there isn't much you can do. SS could age out, flunk out of college and live on BM's couch and SS will still think he is above others. There isn't much you can do but set boundaries for yourself and your home about how much of SS you are going to tolerate.  

 

Elea's picture

OSD is the female version of this. We live in a small town. She had lots of extracurricular activities during high school and privileges that a lot of children in this area don't have. BM only allowed her to hang out with the towns other privileged (by small town standards) kids. She acted like she's the queen bee. She said things like "All the Mexican kids in my school are stupid." and "Nobody in this town, except me, has ever been accepted to an ivy league college." (completely false of course) She got accepted into that ivy league school, ironically she applied as a "diversity" student, and found out that there are kids that are WAY smarter and richer than her. She's still a whiny pill about how it's so "unfair" that these rich kids get so many advantages but she did get knocked down a few notches and got to experience what it's like to be the underdog. I just watched with bemusement and enjoyed the show. Not my circus.

Carriem's picture

Many people who think they are great or exceptional lack awareness. Perhaps rather than knocking him off his pedestal (life will do it for him) teach him awareness.

Seriously,  there no point being smart if you lack awareness, smarts will only get you so far. 

shamds's picture

And she spent their whole 14 plus years of marriage trying to one-up and stick it to people. Bragging non stop. If you had 2 kids, well she had 3. Your kids went to uni well she had one graduated honours etc. 
 

she over inflated everything and skids all picked up these traits thinking they're better than others. People commented my kids on their gorgeous curls, eldest sd would straight away say her younger sister had the same and it grew straight. My daughter has blonde hair, well apparently so too did 100% asian youngest sd but it turned black when older.

no matter how absurd and nonsensical it is, if they can brag to people they will. 
 

the reality is, successful intelligent people don't need to brag and show it. They often are very humble people. It gets tiring listening to the crap but my inlaws just ignore comments skids make that are bragging. Its met with no response and lots of eye rolls while skids sit there with this proud smirk on their face completely oblivious to the fact the family reckon you're full of shi*!!

The less attention/reaction or response given, tends to make their bragging no longer worthwhile.

Rags's picture

Even the Ivy League does not guarantee the golden path to success.  My Sr. year of HS I was accepted to an Ivy League school on early acceptance and chose a different path.  I knew I was not ready to put in that much work and focus to make the investment worth it.   

Ultimately at the end of my 11 year undergrad career, after 7 schools, 7 majors and starting, running and selling my own company before starting engineering school,  i finished with my BS in engineering.  Not long after starting that phase of my career after graduation, I had MIT grads and grads of a  number of Ivy League or better schools working for me.  I heard countless times when a I would onboard a new engineer to my team about how they were lowballed on their offer, their Ivy League class mates got 6 figure offers before graduation, etc, etc, etc....

Do some top graduates from top schools get 6 figure starting salaries, big signing bonuses, etc.... Yes, but, they are the best of the best, interview impeccably and likely with some humility.  Interestingly, it is the middle of the class graduates that tend to have the most offers.  Not necessarily the highest offers, but generally the most offers.  Because they learn how to interview and connect with people.  Our engineering school class validictorian had only one offer because he was so sure that his class standing would land him top job offers with top companies. He ended up working in a guy's garage building ergo key boards for a guy who was trying to build a successful start up.  

When my little brother and I were getting ready to graduate with our BSs.  My parents were preparing to travel back to the states for our graduation.  Mom was at a salon getting her hair cut, etc.. and was surrounded by a bunch of moms talking avbout their kids college graduations, etc...   Several of them were talking about how they had Ivy League graduate kids still on their dime, waiting tables, etc... and telling the new graduate moms to lower their expectations so they would not be disappointed. One of them asked my mom about what my brother and I were going to do after graduation.  Mom replied "They both have already accepted good offers with a top company."  Mom got swarmed on that comment with questions about where we had gone to school, how their Ivy League Lib Arts grad kids could not find work or support themselves, etc....

Over the next few years my brother and I would get requests from the mom and dad's friends asking if we would accept their kid's resume and help them get a job.  What was interresting is that even the ones we successfully got hired did not last long.  A couple of years and they would either quit or get term'd, usually for attendance issues if not performance issues.  l

Ivy League smart does not necessarily mean savy or capable. 

The GU product flawed young adults rarely can hang.

My brotrher and I have undergraduate and graduate degrees from low middle teir to upper lower teir shcools (for profit schools).  My bride has her undergrad from a very small private university that primarily provides degree completion eduation to active duty military and veterans and her MBA from a former directional state university.   All far from the Ivy League.  

Interestingly at HS reunions, my brother, myself, and my bride all tend to be mobbed by classmates asking us how we have done so well, etc...   Not always are we the top of the HS reunion success order, but we are very close.  My wife is usually the rockstar of her HS reunions with eveyone amazed that she does not have multiple kids by multiple fathers and a nowhere job.  Interestingly the class president, prom king, prom queen, cheer leader, the HS rockstars have all never left that small town and have done very little with their lives.

Life success is a many variable process.  There is no magic/easy button that determines outcime.  Not the HS experience, not the college that one goes to, etc....  It is an ongoing process.

Elea's picture

I used to manage graduate degree grunt workers when I worked at a floral company. They scrubbed buckets, lifted heavy water-filled buckets onto display platforms, fetched and restocked flowers etc ... Some of them had to be spoon fed instructions because they had no deductive reasoning skills or resourcefulness. I guess they are some of the ones that didn't get any high salary job offers. I am more of a "just do it" and be creative type of person. 

shamds's picture

For base salary of $2000 monthly salary if lucky at job interviews with no experience and just a degree, will demand $6000-10,000 starting salary because they have a degree and claim they have perfect English yet struggle badly in interviews. They have no life skills and think interviewers won't figure out the lies

one of hubbys niece, her husband is an electrician with a basic diploma. He thought since hubby is snr vp at a bank, that he could offer a job and demanded $12,000 monthly salary because he had 3 yrs working experience.

hubby told his niece it aint happening, you're being greedy and unrealistic and thats what we would pay a foreman because they've done extra study and have more experiences and skills. Nieces husband was lazy and didn't want to do more studies.

the sense of entitlement is strong in some

shamds's picture

For base salary of $2000 monthly salary if lucky at job interviews with no experience and just a degree, will demand $6000-10,000 starting salary because they have a degree and claim they have perfect English yet struggle badly in interviews. They have no life skills and think interviewers won't figure out the lies

one of hubbys niece, her husband is an electrician with a basic diploma. He thought since hubby is snr vp at a bank, that he could offer a job and demanded $12,000 monthly salary because he had 3 yrs working experience.

hubby told his niece it aint happening, you're being greedy and unrealistic and thats what we would pay a foreman because they've done extra study and have more experiences and skills. Nieces husband was lazy and didn't want to do more studies.

the sense of entitlement is strong in some

shamds's picture

For base salary of $2000 monthly salary if lucky at job interviews with no experience and just a degree, will demand $6000-10,000 starting salary because they have a degree and claim they have perfect English yet struggle badly in interviews. They have no life skills and think interviewers won't figure out the lies

one of hubbys niece, her husband is an electrician with a basic diploma. He thought since hubby is snr vp at a bank, that he could offer a job and demanded $12,000 monthly salary because he had 3 yrs working experience.

hubby told his niece it aint happening, you're being greedy and unrealistic and thats what we would pay a foreman because they've done extra study and have more experiences and skills. Nieces husband was lazy and didn't want to do more studies.

the sense of entitlement is strong in some

Tenn9lov's picture

I've worked with hundreds of teens over the years, as well as watched my kiddos and their friends grow up. Those who think they are big britches generally have a very rude awakening once their name is called and they walk across that stage at graduation. After they graduate hs, it's game on. Most of the kids who thought they were big sh*t get humbled real fast! I've seen it time and time again. Most of the time, it's the kids who's parents constantly tell them how wonderful they are, do everything for them or make excuses for them that struggle the most. College professors, and college coaches aren't impressed with these kids. They're a dime a dozen. 

 

TheBrightSide's picture

My nephew was exactly like this when he was a teen.

He's pushing 40 and lives in my sister's basement.

Ignore it.  Karma will deal with it in her own way.

TheBrightSide's picture

My nephew was exactly like this when he was a teen.

He's pushing 40 and lives in my sister's basement.

Ignore it.  Karma will deal with it in her own way.

Loxy's picture

It's very hard when BM enables the very behaviour you want to change so I feel your pain. For us BM enables SD's irresponsiblity (ie runs around dropping off everything she forgets to bring between houses) does SD's homework and reminds her when stuff is due etc. SD is 17 by the way and in her last year of high school and has the organisational skills of a 3 year old! BM also enables disrespectful behaviour ie constantly giving into SD when she demands to be driving all over the place to see friends etc. There is other poor behaviour she enables too.

Bottom line, all you can do is have your rules for your house and enforce them. SS is likely to choose to live with BM at some point as a result (which is a bonus for you). In the meantime, I would recommend disengaging. Just don't interact without beyond what's absolutely necessary. It's DH's job to discipline the kid.