My husband cant tolerate my son
I've been married to my husband for 6 years, he has and adult son who does not live with us, and I have a 20yo daughter and 16yo son. Before we got married he was crazy about my kids. He often mention what a good mum I was and how well mannered the kids were. But the moment we got married and moved in together this changed. His temper is especially short with my son. He is excessively critical of everything he does or does not do. Yes, he is stroppy sometimes but I do discipline and punish him when necessary. People and teachers often say what a good kid he is. But in my husbands eyes he can do nothing right. Not one day goes by that he doesnt belittle him. There is no pleasing my husband no matter how hard my son tries. I am at the end of my rope. How can he be super nice to me and my daughter but hate my son? His own son does not even have a job but my husband thinks he is a saint and does not tolerate anybody saying anything negative about him. I cannot afford to move out.
He is projecting his
He is projecting his insecurities about his son onto yours.
Time to be blunt with your DH: tell him that anytime he has an issue with your son, he brings it directly to you and you'll handle it. Also discuss household rules that all the kids follow when they live there or visit. These should be rules that the kids are familiar with and punished on.
Also, listen to your DH's concerns. Parents of good kids tend to let really annoying behaviors slide because their kid is "generally good". My OSS, for instance, is the same age as your son. He is well mannered, very intelligent, polite, respectful, etc. No drugs (that we know of), no sex (that we know of), and no arrests. Does stuff with his church. Band kid. Overall, really good kid.
But he is a smarta$$. He can be snarky and sarcastic, especially to his brother. He can also act very arrogant because he is considered "the good kid". Most people don't see this cocky side of him because they don't live with him. DH and I are CONSTANTLY having to check his attitude and remind him that he isn't king sh*t of f*ck mountain. As his SM, it annoys the everything daylights out of me, and annoys me much more than it does DH. However, because DH knows how much it annoys me, he is on OSS to not be a d*ck every time he hears it.
Your son may be doing things that you don't notice because you're Mom that are driving your DH crazy. So be open-minded and listen. Ask for specific examples of behavior and ask your DH how he feels it should be addressed.
If he is truly bullying your son, you have the option of asking him to move out or to send your son to his dad if it is that bad. Most times, these issues are the result of parents who are just a bit too sensitive to any negativity about their own kid, and then it leads to bickering. If there is truly, deeply no reason for your DH to be a d*ck, or he has no solutions, or he won't disengage (giving your DH permission to disengage may do wonders), then you'll have to look at nuclear options.
Ugh my SS is like this too.
Ugh my SS is like this too. Not doing drugs or being arrested doesn’t make you a good person dude. It’s the standard for humans. Good lord. You don’t get into real trouble because you are a loser with no friends, not due to you being above it. No one invites you to do stupid shit. He would given the chance. He does plenty of stupid shit. He always says how “since I’m so nice”. No you aren’t. You are one of the rudest people and biggest bullies I’ve ever known.
His friend convinced him to cut the cord of a microscope in class so he did. Do you have any concept what a damn microscope costs? Now I do! I have seen him smoke pot and husband knows the friend he was smoking with does so but DH blew me off and said “since I can’t prove it”. If I so much as suspect my kid did that shit would hit the fan. I don’t need proof. And how is me saying what i saw not proof???
Being a 'good kid' is a
Being a 'good kid' is a tactic that some kids adopt to get away with murder. I know because I did it. It's a very successful approach. It's more than not doing drugs or not getting arrested. In fact I used it to drink and smoke and get out of being arrested on one occasion (no drugs, other than a bit of grass one time). Both my OSS and my BS are 'good kids' - good grades, constantly being praised. I live in a huge city - but yet in the bit I live in I run into people all the time who say "Oh, you must be BS's mum, blah, blah, blah) OSS especially is involved in stuff at school because BM makes him (I have a harder time enforcing stuff with split custody and my ex is lazy AF).
The teachers at my son's school - no less than 3 out 6 I talked to called him a 'ray of sunshine'. Two more had super high praise and the 6th, well she was fresh off maternity leave and looked like she still wasn't sleeping. I'm not sure she knew who he was.
The first time, I thought it was a joke. The 2nd time...I was like well - even a stopped clock is right twice a day, the 3rd time, I realilsed he had them fooled.
My son is not a ray of sunshine at home. He can be great. But he can be grumpy and morose. He is lazy. He's a smart ass (but neither I nor my partner mind that). OSS can be sulky. He can be an arrogant little know-it-all, I believe that BS skills are important, I've built a whole career out of it, but he won't back down from his facts that are wrong. He can also have a smart mouth (again we don't mind). We are on them all the time for this stuff. (Other issues with YSS, who is not a 'good kid' - he's a fly-under-the-radar-kid).
However - we don't get on them by belittling them and my SO especially is fantastic at handing out the praise for good behaviour and I am trying to learn from him. He constantly catches kids doing GOOD things and praises them. It's very effective.
I lived with a criticising and belittling mother and then partner for many years. It is crushing. Absolutely crushing. Nothing was ever good enough. If this is what is really going on you must, for the sake of your son and your future relationship address this.
My partner is harsher on his kids than I am. I am harsher on my son than he is. In fact, I was angry with him recently for defending my son when I was getting on him (in front of him, I wouldn't have been angry if he'd done it in private). If your partner is slamming on your son but not allowing any criticism of his child, then there is something wrong.
I hear the same things. His
I hear the same things. His teacher praise him while saying he never turns stuff in. Way to give every kid a trophy. Then daddy steps in right before grades come out and asks the teachers to let him make it up so the grades come out ok meanwhile he doesn’t even turn in something as simple as a paper he just had to sign.
We do not belittle him. The only thing we say he gets upset by is when he smells. But we have tried every other tactic. Nice, helping him understand what to do to avoid it, begging. Now we figure if we kind of embarrass him maybe he will shower. And not even mean just “kid you’re stinky today”. So far also not working. Ugh. I mean i have to deodorize the house just from him walking through a room! You’d think he cared. His entire life manta is “if it hasn’t caused me a problem yet...” well you’re 16 and have no friends and a girl has never even spoken to you, so ya it is. He said he didn’t need to brush his teeth since he hasn’t lost one yet. Doesn’t need to wash his hands because he doesn’t get sick, while i was sick the first 9 months I lived with them so he can see an actual impact
its like the nice guy syndrome. The more someone says they are a nice guy the bigger a dick you know they are.
No my son does turn in his
No my son does turn in his work and scores well on tests. I would never ask teachers to let him make up work unless there were serious mitigating circumstances.
DH just swoops in, then he
DH just swoops in, then he isn't in any trouble because "well his final grades were ok". Such stupid parenting. All he is taught is he can do whatever he pleases, or not do anything, and it will be solved for him.
This might sound weird
but maybe your DH is seeing your son as an up and coming rival male in the house. Not on purpose, of course, but instinctually your son is now a full grown male in your husband’s “domain”. My own DH was super grumpy with my BS18 until Boyo moved out to his own place. Now they get together for movie or dinner a few times a month with DD7 for mini family time.
"Belittling" someone is a pretty harsh thing to do
"Belittling" someone is a pretty harsh thing to do. That implies your DH is going after your son for who is is, rather than the things he does. If your DH is truly belittling and bullying your son, than your son shouldn't have to live with your DH. Home should be a safe space for a kid, not a place to get picked on.
It is up to you to protect your child. If your DH won't change his ways and you can't afford to move out - can your son go live with his Father?
Nope!!
My DH was hyper critical of my BS at first as well. And like you, before marriage he acted as if he just loved BS. It was my skids driving the negative attitude of DH toward BS. They were jealous and nasty. DH would criticize anything BS did but allow his spawn to get away with murder. I quickly nipped that behavior. I basically told DH he could no longer parent my child if he refused to parent his own. He knew I meant business and if it continued I would happily end the marriage. I refuse to allow my Bs to be treated badly in his own home. That went for DHs spawn too. Now don’t get me wrong, I was not a blind BM who thought her kid did no wrong. I was front and center to punish my child when he needed it. And I was strict. But I would never allow DH to punish BS while allowing his kids to run the house.
Today DH have an amazing relationship. BS looks at him as a father and DH looks at BS as his son. My BS is the only one who recognizes DH I’m Father’s Day, birthdays. They are very close.
Letting a kid flunk a grade
Letting a kid flunk a grade can be a very effective wake up call. It worked wonders for me. I had two sophomore years of HS. I was an honor student through 9th grade and completely blew off 10th grade ... the first time. I could have done summer school and moved on to my Jr. year but... my parents were more than willing to have me suffer the lessons of repeating a grade. They struggled with not strangling me but felt it was better for me to suffer appropriate consequences than it was to mitigate my bone head move.
I was an honor student for my second sophomore year until graduating from HS.