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Marriage is Over

Cantlivelikethis0325's picture

First post. Brief background, 3 BK (17, 14, 14). 2 SD (18, soon to be 20). Married 2.5 years. Knew SD's since they were little girls. They hate me. DH told me that they've always hated me. No real reason, other than the fact that DH and I argue too much (mostly about them).

He has an unhealthy "friend" relationship with them instead of a father/daughter one. He admitted to me that throughout our marriage he's been discussing our personal relationship issues with them and bad-mouthing me. He also sometimes drinks too much and gets very dramatic and downright mean.

 

Shit hit the fan last week. Told him I was leaving. Long story short, he eventually came around and admitted that he created the problems between me and SD's. Told them as much and that they had to treat me respectfully. 

 

Tonight, he had an argument with SD18 and is now taking it all back. It's again MY fault for them hating me and he feels like I need to fix it. I attempted to speak to her and told her that for his sake we need to be at least cordial to each other. She told me that she has zero respect for me and will not be cordial. This makes it very difficult to live in my own house. 

 

I'm done. I can't live like this.

Kes's picture

There is often a problem with the BM badmouthing the stepmother and stepkids are turned against her and often their father too - but rarely does it go so far as the father doing this as well.  This is quite shocking.  Your DH has betrayed you by talking about you in a negative way to his daughters, and I have to say, if I discovered that this had been going on long term, I'd leave too.  His telling you it is your fault is obviously not true and is a pathetic attempt at gaslighting. 

tog redux's picture

Wow, yes, get out. Your DH is not capable of a loving relationship with anyone. He's harming you AND his daughters with this behavior, but he must enjoy the drama it causes.  This can't be saved.

hereiam's picture

I'm sorry that your marriage is over but your husband is an ass, so it's probably a good thing to get out, now.

Merry's picture

Your DH discusses your relationship issues with his daughters, bad mouths you, and then blames you for the relationship you have with them. He is anything but a loving husband and partner. It's you vs him and his children, and it won't change.

Why do you stay? If your own husband doesn't respect you and honor you, why be with him? When you do leave him, his kids will declare victory, but it will be YOU who really won. Their games will start all over with the next girlfriend. Get out of that toxic soup.

Guilfoyle's picture

Well said. I believe that these words are very wise and  the exact thing that is going on. 

Winterglow's picture

There is something  that smacks of being sickly incestuous about discussing the ins and outs of your marriage with his teenage children. What is WRONG with this person (not you, your idiot husband)? 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I feel very sad when I read posts like this. 

a) please get legal advice before you move out. 

b)  what is the legal age where you are where grown up children can move out of the house? Ie in the UK when a child reaches 18 years old they are considered an adult.... my rules, live by them or move out!

I don’t understand If they are nearly of fledgling age why he isn’t saying ‘our house, our rules’ please show some respect, if you don’t like it I am sorry you will have to move out. 

He seems to lack a bit of backbone with regards to parenting skills. Being friends isn’t being a parent, and in the long run he won’t be any better off for it. 

With regards to the other stuff, you shouldn’t have to put up with any of it. - It seems like you have made your mind up, which can be a very good thing. 

If you are still stuck in this situation in a few months I don’t know if you have ever considered counselling? Some people find it helps, some people find it useless. 

My counsellour asked me this; what are you getting from the relationship? 

I guess the question is, how long are you prepared to wait for him to change? Have you come to the conclusion that he won’t change, or are you still hoping that somehow, someday he will wake up and see sense? 

Cantlivelikethis0325's picture

He's scared if he sticks up for me or says "our house our rules" that they'll take this to mean that he picked me over them and will leave his life forever or something? 

Rags's picture

If they will not be cordial then it is time for you to go full banshee on all of them.  These are adult aged children and their door key should be rendered inoperable with a call to the locksmith to rekey the locks.

As for DH, he can STFU or GTF out.

Cantlivelikethis0325's picture

Thank you all for the advice. It's nice to feel validated. This sucks. I don't want to go home, so I've been hanging out in my car for 3 hours killing time until SD and DH go to bed. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I sent BK's to their dad's so they wouldn't be around all this dysfunction.  

I take responsibility for MAYBE nitpicking about his kids for the first few months (how they're sloppy, entitled and spoiled), but I realized it and apologized. To them and to him. But since then, I've done nothing but walk on tiptoes around them and tried to be nice and not piss them off. I don't ask them to do anything. I don't correct them. They basically come and go as they please. And when I do get irritated with them, I only tell DH. I don't nag them or anything. I just never realized that he would tell them what I say about them! And to tell them about every argument we have? WTH is wrong with him? He uses them as his emotional support. What does he even need me for?

He goes back and forth between accepting responsibility and blaming me for the way things are. He'll go without talking to me for days. Even if I cry and beg for him to respond. He told me that he would always pick his kids over me. And he's afraid if he sticks up for me that they'll disappear our of his life or something.

I feel so pathetic though because I KNOW I need to leave. I know DH is never going to change and things will only just get worse. But I still hate the idea of divorcing again. Im scared to move out and to be alone. I don't have many close friends and very little family (besides my kids). 

Thanks for listening. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff.

 

Rags's picture

Particularly when the issue isn't you.

My dad made it clear to his sons to not put him in a position to choose between us and his wife.  We would lose every time.

That his wife is our mother was not the point of his message.  That we were not even on the same planet as far as his priorities was the point.

Take your do-over and do it happily.  Enjoy your new life.

Winterglow's picture

Under normal circumstances, I'd suggest simply moving out, maybe not getting a divorce, and seeing where things take you after the kids move on with their lives. However, this one can't be fixed. He is way too enmeshed with his daughters to ever be even a halfway decent husband, he just isn't capable of it. The rest of his life is going to be verery lonely ... Yours, on the other hand, has great potential for being bright and vibrant! 

Do what you have to do but do it for YOU and your family.

hereiam's picture

Im scared to move out and to be alone.

But really, you are alone, now (with them pitted against you). At least if you move out on your own, your life will be yours, you will not have to tiptoe around anyone, you will be free to meet someone who values you.

Cantlivelikethis0325's picture

I reminded him that in a few years, he will be he'll be alone. They girls will be gone. One is already a sophomore in college and the other one will go in the fall. Yes they come home on breaks, but he'll still be alone most of the time. He said he didn't care. 

I just don't get it. He's made me actually believe that the problem is with me. I know we argue, and I'm the yeller, so it might seem it's my fault,  but even though he might not yell he's still mean, especially when he drinks too much. Or he'll just outright ignore me. And all this time with his kids, I've never "done" anything to them. Yes, they irritate me, and I've complained about them to DH (which I guess he told them), but other than nothing directly to THEM except MAYBE rolling my eyes, which is a huge deal apparently to DH. He even accuses me of rolling my eyes or making faces when I know I didn't! Like when I'm not even annoyed or anything! 

It just sucks. I don't know why I love him. I guess I'm just afraid if being old and alone and a burden in my kids. ☹️

Rags's picture

Better old and single than married and miserable.   Take your half (or more) and start a new life.  There is no reason why you should sentence yourself to a marriage of misery in your retirement years when there is a whole world of adventure and interesting quality people to meet.

Take care of you.

Guilfoyle's picture

Going through the same thing, stepdaughter is an asshole to me. I don't put up with her shit and after many times of her making mumbling rude comments to me I finally snap as my wife says nothing to her. I am then ripped apart by my wife for going off at her and then made to apologise. Wtf is that. 
I am divorcing her ass

this has been going on for years. I am blamed for the way stepdaughter behaves. It's a joke.

your husband does not respect or value you. 
 

get out now I happe you do. I was also scared of leaving but we had a huge fight after stepchild started her crap on night and I'm thanksfull sh kicked me out of this mess

i have been away from them for 2 weeks now and feel so much better. No stress or anxiety of what I don't do to get me into so much trouble.

I did everything in the house and trust me I was basically a doormat in the end. No appreciation from my wife. 
 

she cries to me when I walked out and actually said thanks now my life is going to be so hard doing this all on my own. Weird thing to say

 

leave now and see the light in a few weeks 

MamaPTK's picture

I thank you for sharing so openly.  I thought I was the only one with these situations. I am also considering leaving or the fear of starting all over again. Hugs my friend 

Guilfoyle's picture

Thats ok, my god there are a lot of people that are copping the same treatment from wives, husbands and stepchildren.

Your  spouse is disrespectful and does not and will not acknowledge your feelings. 
 

if you are doing a lot around the home like chores and things then stop now and let it all pile up. Don't be a doormat like I was. I was doing everything to try and keep the peace but still got kicked on and then she started hen pecking me and criticising everything. 
 

Read up about narcissistic personality disorder. It fits them perfectly and gives a bit of closure into what's going on. Just selfish children.
 

;

Guilfoyle's picture

Your step daughter is a nasty bitch. I hope you recorded that conversation and played it back to her father. Tell him you want her to leave or you yourself are going to leave. That's disgusting behaviour

LittleCloud9's picture

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. Partners should be a team, respecting each other from the heart. Ultimately children grow up and have their own lives, leaving their parents behind hopefully on good terms. But our mate is the one we picked and said we wanted forever. That means you and your marriage should be a priority. These kids should respect you, not only because you are one of the adults who helped raise them, but simply because you are a person not a doormat. People are not trash!

This is very sad. I hope you find a counselor or something for yourself regardless of how things play out. You've been through a lot and it would be healthy to get some in person support. Take care