Losing my mind and need help
So I have been married to my wife for almost 8 years. We share two kids together that are 4 and 6. My SS is 15. We have been struggling in raising him for years. He is established as having ADHD. I do understand the issues that come with that. He is medicated for it however that helps a lot.
My problems are that when he is in school he is failing numerous classes because he refuses to do his work. My wife constantly checks his grades and assignments online and rides him to get things done. While I understand school problems happen with ADHD, he doesn’t have any issues completing things if it aligns with his agenda. I hate that my wife feels she needs to baby sit him considering he will be an adult in a few years.
Additionally he is of no help around the house and refuses to lift a finger to help. This summer while at home we leave a list of things to complete that would only take 20 minutes to complete, but is a huge help to us. He has not once completed those things and when asked why, it’s because he says he didn’t feel like it. We restrict his cell phone abilities, so he steals our kids IPads to watch adult material. He steals things from us, although that has slowed down. The list goes on.
I am losing my mind!!! My wife says this is normal teenage behavior, but I disagree. I think some of it is, but not entirely. She also feels that I should look at him like I do my biological kids and doesn’t understand how that isn’t possible.
Am I being unreasonable in my expectations of my SS should be helping. Is it unreasonable for me to be so upset? Any input would be greatly appreciated!
From personal experience SOME
From personal experience SOME of the things listed are normal of kids with ADHD: poor grades, inattentive with school work but attentive with things that meet his agenda, few years behind in the maturity area. I’ll also forewarn you that if he actually does the chores it’ll take 3x longer to complete and will require constant nagging. It’s actually good that your wife rides his ass though, because kids like this need to be constantly put back on course.
As far as the stealing, porn watching, and refusal to help; not okay. And not related to his diagnosis. He needs consequences just like any other teenager.
He can’t concentrate on what
He can’t concentrate on what he isn’t interested in. Think of something you hated at school and times that by many. Does the school help him condense the books into ‘usable information’ for him. Ie how to condense a chapter to two pages. Hell, I used to makes up the most awful rhymes at school and uni just so I could pass stuff, and write in bold colours to memorise stuff because I have a visual memory. I don’t have a learning disability, but I wasn’t naturally bright like my friends. Some people have their own preferred way of learning, and it’s a pity the schools are a one size fits all approach mostly. Blank postcards with keywords on are literally better than nothing too. If he can tap into what helps him learn he will be more motivated to get it done. He may find it overwhelming at the moment. Some of it may seem like a foreign language (I had a look at my sons mock maths a level papers and thought what the hell is all that and was glad it wasn’t me doing it)
As for the other stuff I’m sorry I don’t have any suggestions.
ADHD or not he knows stealing is wrong
He knows watching adult thing Are wrong. Your wife had to stop that. He going to teach the young kids, that this behaves is ok, there has to be punishment if he breaks the rules. Maybe he should be in some program in the summer not staying home. Sports camp, space camp.
Thank You
Thank you to everyone for your input. It helps me to realize there are others in my shoes that don’t think I’m crazy or have my standards set so high.
As for the measures suggested to correct the behavior we have tried all of them to one degree or another. We have locked down all of his stuff, but I struggle with locking everything down because the younger kids follow our rules and don’t feel they should have to be punished for a near 16 year old punk.
As for the ones trying to explain ADHD and the constant reinforcement, I already understand that. The problem is he never accepts responsibility for any of his actions. He basically will tell us that he doesn’t care and just doesn’t want to help.
The other thing that is concerning is how malicious he is to the younger two kids that he is more than 10 years older than and has been since they were babies. Hiding their toys, telling them mean things, etc...and all they want is some attention from their big brother. I mean I get that siblings get annoying, but this is any time they want to talk to him or spend time with him.
I just don’t think I’ve seen someone that is so mean and disrespectful and his Mom constantly makes excuses for him.
Anyways, thank you again for letting me vent and helping me through this. I am definitely trying the disengagement approach.