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Living On Egg shells with 19 yo step daughter

Midnight's picture

Hi all, my first post which is the all too common theme.
I'm a 52 you male with two well adjusted sons , 19 old has moved out to serve his country in the military and the 21 yo still decides to do week about between his mother and I. While my sons are nowhere near perfect, I have a great relationship with them both. I've been seriously dating for 12 months and have moved in with my new partner about 2 months ago. Our relationship is just fantastic with one exception... the 19 yo princess who is self absorbed, self centered and part time bitch. Both my sons are supportive of my relationship with the comment "Dad... as long as you are happy" and both treat my partner with respect as I've raised them. They also know that why I love them dearly, if they showed any sort of unnaceptable behaviour to my partner then they'd get a firm kick up the backside and shown the door!
My partners daughter is tall, slim, very attractive very intelligent young lady who is an only child and pretty much been raised by a single parent for most of her life. So it's the single child syndrome issue on steroids!
She can be nice as apple pie one minute and in an instant turns into a moody bitch from hell that has us walking on egg shells for days. Her mum grew up in a large family with lots of siblings which is evident and is the nicest most caring person I have met while her daughter is a master at emotional black mail of her mum and just keeps ramping it up till she gets her way. In between some part time work the 19 yo spends most of her day in bed on FB or PS3. Every so often she does some house work. Since she turned 18 she has demanded adult freedom which you would expect yet at the same time she still acts like a spoilt 2 year old throwing tantrums when things don't go their way. Add in the 21 yo loser of a b'friend whom she's placed on a pedistal and in not a pretty situation. I usually bite my tongue, however on ocassions when she speak to her mum in the most discraceful way I have stepped in which as you can imagine she can't handle and runs off wailing to her room. Her mum is a nervous wreck as she is just trying to keep everyonne happy and deserves better. I know a big part of this is the normal 19 rebellion which nornally settles down early 20s. but as my partner said today she has developed an undeserved and irrationalle hate towards me. My partner is also supportive of me and when I have said anything to her daughter has stepped back and allowed me to say my piece. And of couse the 19 yo then spends then next week telling as many people as possible the 'poor me sob story' which is anything but the truth. I have done a lot for this young lady both financially and other. I've convinced her mum to give her adult freedom as she should have at 19 as well as allowing her to bring her loser b'friend into the house which she previously wasn't. I am definitely not trying to buy her acceptance as I know that doesn't work, but some gratitude would be nice. My partner says her father had a very depressive nature so she worriesd her daughter is much the same and hence allows her to get away with more than she should for fear of her getting depressed, but I figure it's just digging the whole deeper... yes a tough line to draw I know! I've moved from my own relaxed house to my partners house where evertime I now arrive home the first thing hope for is not to see the 19 yo's car out front. This morning she raced into the kitchen and upon finding no breakfast cereal in the cupboard gave her undeserving mum a tongue lashing. I finally stepped in and told her "you have a car, the shops are 2 minutes up the road, get off your lazy arse and go get some yourself" and of course this had the expected outcome with slamming doors as she stormed to the safety of her room. She's about to start Uni but not sure I'll last another 4 years of her unacceptable behaviour until she moves out hopefuly sooner than later. I've also offered my parter the option of me leaving ... not as a threat but as an option for her if she can't handle this .... which only added to her stress level.
I just wonder hornets nest I'll be stepping into tonight??

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well on a positive note your partner is supportive, so that really is a big thing, it means the relationship stands a chance. When the partner does not support you it changes the whole dynamic of the partnership and not in a good way.

I understand mum's fear of the daughter getting depression, but I guess she is in her way treating a depression that is non existent at the moment. The daughter is clearly not depressed just a spoilt brat.

If you cannot cope with this and God knows none of us can, given your partner is supportive and even lets you say your piece to her daughter without attacking you, would it be possible to get her to toughen up a bit. The incident with the breakfast cereal is a good one, because that was mom's place to tell her to get her lazy arse into the car and go buy it, not yours. You were 100% right in what you said, but not the right person to say it, because the message the daughter gets is - you are becoming a problem, you are stepping in and making her do things that her mom never made her do, you are pulling her into line and her mom never did. If this keeps up this already seriously spoilt little princess will come to resent you and then she will start to try and cause problems between you and her mother so the old lifestyle she enjoyed can come back. It would be better if her mother could say exactly what you said about the cereal and other things. Of course, you will still be a problem because up until you came along her mom was great and it will be your fault she changed, but she will see both of your are on the same page and even if she trys anything she will not come between you. You might do well to suggest to your partner that if you become the sole disciplinarian then her daughter will come to resent you and that will cause problems between the two of you, I am sure she does not realise what she is setting up here.

Mom created this and MOM has to fix it. If she starts the door slamming her mother needs to tell her to cut it out and teach this 2 year old temper tantrum throwing brat a lesson in respect, manners and how to treat other peoples possessions, the cupboards are not hers to slam. Good Luck, 19 is still so young, mine is 30 and unfortunately for my husband I had to ban her from coming to my house, I just could not take one more moment of it. This could happen to you too surely her mother doesn't want to lose the child forever. If she keeps on not dealing with this she will eventually lose you or her daughter and it doesn't need to be that way. By the way I found it interesting that mom stood her ground on the 21 year old loser boyfriend and the seemingly one time she did, you overruled her. I would have backed mom up on that one.

frustratedstepdad's picture

One stepdad to another, DO NOT WALK EGGSHELLS. I know exactly how you feel. When I say exactly, I do mean EXACTLY. I have four adult SD's ages 27 - 22. The youngest SD was 17 when I moved in and she has been a handful. It's just like you said. Single mom trying to do all she can to provide for her, and it just turned her into a spoiled, entitled BITCH. She's 22 now and it's only gotten worse.

You absolutely have every right to put SD in check when she disrespects her mom. You are right in that MOM created this, but I hate to tell you that as much as you love your wife, if she had the strength to change things she would've done it already. It's going to take a little bit of prodding from you. I've been walking on eggshells with my SD22 for years now, and all it has done is destroyed me mentally and has caused tension in our marriage. My wife also tries hard to please us both and keep the peace.

I also told my wife that maybe I should get my own place, at least then maybe I'll actually see her more since she babysits the grandson all the time. This too caused her stress. SD22 starts school today also. Damn if I didn't know any better we are married to the same woman!

No matter what though, always remember, your SANITY is what's most important here. Your SD will never show you any gratitude as long as she's living there. It won't be until you've eventually kicked her out will she appreciate what she had.

momagainfor4's picture

What about all the stress this is causing you? Don't discount your own stress and headache.
Her mom created this mess. And honestly, that'll be the day that I let some pipsqueak kid yell at me or my bf. My own daughters don't do that to me. Or my son.
Funny is that the mom needs to realize that the daughter needs her. Not the other way around.
Yeh, I love my kids but at this point it's a two way street.
You treat me with respect and in return I treat you with respect.
You piss me off. Oh, sorry.... your phone isn't working? Oops.
You guys need to work together. Sounds like your gf may realize there is an issue and maybe she needs your help to deal with it. My bf really helps me when I fall prey to the "poor me" syndrome that my kids tend to pull out from time to time.
Every once is a blue moon, I fall for it bc I'm feeling guilty that I broke up their wonderful home where they had to deal with their drunk dad all the time!!
I just need a reality check. And boy do I get one!

emotionaly beat up's picture

frustrated dad yes I agree he does have the right to step in when she disrespects her mom, most of us would feel that is normal, but it only makes things worse. I always stepped in when my SD treated my DH in a way that she completely made him look like a weak fool in front of his wife and her boyfriend and anyone else who was in the room. However 9 years down the track I realise I should have said nothing to HER. I should have told my DH privately how I felt, I should have told him how weak she made him look in my eyes, I should have told him she is not to do that in my home, etc., etc.., and I should have kept on quietly sayig it, not yelling and getting mad but quietly and lovingly expressing my concerns, but I should have never said anything to HER. All that did was prolong the agony of the situation, it stopped my husband from speaking up to her directly, he didn't have to say anything to her, I did it for him, for years. After 8 years of living in hell, I finally banned her from my home, and thank God have not seen her since last August, and that was only briefly on my doorstep when I told her never to come back, at the time I told her that, my DH was in the kitchen hiding from the drama, I gave him the opportuity to tell her or I would (after many many years of asking him to sort it out), but he said you tell her.

Well I did, and it worked she doesn't come here anymore, but you see once again I have done his job for him, we are both more peacful without having to worry about her, but in the minds of his kids, dad is still weak because he didn't stand up to me, now that is a problem, not standing up to them, that was a good thing, just ask them, however it also makes me the bad guy, and dad the victim it doesn't make them see the error of their ways, it doesn't teach them anything. So, even though we may not see them and that is good for us, they have learnt nothing to help them make better decisons, nothing to help them treat people with respect, have not learnt any manners, have not recognised they are selfish spoilt brats with over inflated senses of entitlement and that this is impacting on their own relationships (and it is), they learnt nothing from all of this because I said it NOT DAD.

In a "normal family" with bio mum and bio dad doesn't matter who says what as long as each backs the other up, in step families this is different the bio parent needs to be the one who says it, needs to be the one who takes action. Yes his SO is weak and if she has accepted this behaviour from her daughter all these years she would not be likely to change it anytime soon......but there is one major differene now, HE is in the picture, he can support her, he can coach her, he can point out when her daughter is out of line because at least his SO does not attack him when he does so. If mom had pulled daughter into line as a single mom then she stood to lose the one person in her life she loved her daughter there was no one else there for her, now she has HIM and given time and patience I think he can teach her how to deal with the brat. I also dont think it will take years, woman usually (not always) but usually pick up on these things faster than men pick on their daughters, so women on this site go through years of putting up with daddy's little princessess, I get the feeling these two if they work together can turn this all around in less than 12 months, but MOM MUST DO IT and with his love and support SHE CAN AND WILL DO IT.