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Life is untenable

Frazzledmum's picture

I live with my partner, my 2 children and his 15 year old daughter. She came to live with is last year, having been in boarding school for the last 5 years. I moved my children to a different area do that she could live with us as her parents agreed that boarding was making her emotionally detached.

I can't lie....she's making life awful. She's rude to me, plays me against both parents, swears and is a complete self obsessed princess. She has ooenyl said she's not willing to try and make things work. She is doing her GCSEs this year so the year has to be about her. All she wants to do is eat, study and sleep and we can f off.....nice chikd!! She even told her father last year that she wanted him to move out of her home so that they can live together. She has major jelousy issues.

Her father will not condone the behaviour other than lip service to me as she has done a wonderful job on emotionally blackmailing him; saying he a and need her, set up life with me and my children. 

Her mother plays a pivitol role in this. She was the one that put her daughter into boarding, even when my partner asked that she live with him (before we were together).....and it's not like she works....being a parent by proxy is more her style.

It's her mother that has drip fed comments about me to her daughter and even told her daughter that she knew living with is was going to be horrible. Her mother and I came to blows just before christmas and my stepdaughter Heard. I apologised to both and explained that I felt as though I was being bullied and needed to stick up for myself. Her mother and I are now talking again, but I am fully aware I have a knife in my back when I'm not around.

We have tried to mamagemthe situation at home, but my partner doesn't want to rock the boat further with his daughter. Rules?..... She doesn't have any and never has. A punishment is never followed through and my partner says a strong approach is not the right way.

My daughter especially is struggling with it all. She has huge anxiety and has even said she's worried she will turn out like her step sister. When she stays with her mother it's like the whole atmosphere in the house lifts.

I've tried being a friend, ignoring her, and alsoalso nonchalant. The child hates me and my children and the thought of another year of this is making me ill.

Any advice, sympathy, verbal "pull yourself together" gratefully received.


Frazzledmum's picture

I should apologise for the spelling mistakes .......a case of the sausage fingers.

Should also add, her mother very rich partner can do no wrong. He's invited to all school things. I am not invited to any.

I'm the one who takes her to GP appointments when I'll, dentist appointments and for go days out so she can have days alone with her father. I'm also the one who held the sobbing child (a couple of years ago) when her mother was screaming at her and calling her a bitch down the phone.

Yet I'm the evil one!!

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

You are the new headmistress of Daddy's Boarding School. Did her parents decide to bring her home or was she such a brat she was asked to leave the last one?


Disengage, save yourself and your kid.

Frazzledmum's picture

Her parents decided to bring her out. Living with her mother was not an didn't fit in with her mother's life.

Yet her mother is the best thing ever in SD eyes. She is the cause of a lot of this....with my partners lack of back bone and parenting.

It's like I've read so much. SO is great with mine, firm but fair but won't parent his own....and when he does his ex wife lambasts us both. Still no possibility if SD living with her though

susanm's picture

Does she want to go back?  If all she wants to do is sleep, eat, and study then I would think boarding school would be perfect for her.  Any way you can suggest inviting one of her friends that is still at the school for a visit and making her miss the place?

Frazzledmum's picture

She can't go back boardingbnow as they have no space. She still attends the school as a day girl. Her parents still feel being out of boarding is the best thing for her emotional well being!

We offered friends to stay, but she feels our house isn't to standard.....she's the poor kid in a rich school and our  house isn't grand enough. She really doesn't want to make any effort. 

We've tried treating her like an adult and talking about making an effort and she's not going to be happy if she does not want to be happy, but she's the victim.

I do understand that it's been difficult to go from being a single child in boarding school to living in a family environment with two siblings; and her mother hasn't helped; but her last text to her father told him and me to f**k off' and that she's not going to change her ways ..and there's nothing we can do to change her mind ....or behaviours.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

would you treat a child as an adult? Treat her as a child with consequences. She doesn't get to dictate how she acts and how people treat her. She eats with the family, does activities with the family, has her share of chores and does all that with a tolerable attitude or she can start losing the privileges of your hard work. No new clothes, no cell phone, no going out with friends, no spending money. And if BM supplies those things, they get confiscated and mailed back with a delivery signature required.

why are you walking on eggshells for a child who desperately needs boundaries and affection?

Frazzledmum's picture

She's 15 and in some ways is very mature in her attitude.....years of boarding school being self dependent!

I've said about consequences and pulling weight....BM and SO won't have any of it when it comes to it. I've suggested taking the cell phone. We used to take it off her at night as she's glued to it, but then she stayed with her mither and started using a white noise app, now it's been agreed by her parents that she can keep it overnight.

If I treat her like a child, I'm critised by all involved. I'm really at a bit of a loss

Rags's picture

Why would you expose your own children to the trainwreck example of your SO's  PITA toxic prior relationship spawn?  And... why would you tolerate being the live in child care provider/beck-and-call-girl/chore bitch for your SO and his XW?

Save yourself and save your own children. Put this shallow and polluted gene pool fading in your rear view mirror.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

If you weren't joyfully married and I wasn't so devoted to DH, I'd be head over heels for you, Rags. Keep talking, I could listen to you all day.

ESMOD's picture

Teens are a moody bunch.  I can see how she might be very prickly on the outside while still underneath it all, she probably yearns for her parents to have wanted her.  She knows she was sent off because it was a bother to raise her... so she simultaneously is angry at mom.. but wants her love and affection... probably similar feelings towards your DH.. but HE moved on and got you and your two girls so her nose is out of joint there... and she is doing what she can to steal her daddy back.  I guess it's also hard when you are a teen girl and it's all about status at your school.. and you don't feel you measure up.  She must be extremely insecure over all of this and covering it up with a thick frosting layer of bad girl.

So.. while I understand her feelings and actions.. that don't make them acceptable.  She needs her dad to teach her to be polite and civil.. she doesn't have to love you.. or your kids, but people in the household will be taught to respect one another.  It's extremely unfortunate that you came to blows physically with her mother.  There is virtually zero situation where that should have happened.  You are not required to listen or care what his EX says to you.. I would have walked away.. and not let her subject me to any abuse.. I don't care about you lady.. you are irrelevant to me and my life... that is my attitude to my DH's ex.  Yes, I know when she spreads her poison it's frustrating to have to deal with that... but honestly.. you can't control her.. so you might as well ignore her.. when you hear that she has said something negative.. "Tsk Tsk.. I don't know why she would say something like that.. poor woman.. something must be bothering her".  Make yourself seem sympathetic and sane.. and the EX will look like the crazed banshee that she is.  You got down in her mud and wrestled with the pig.. so now you have some mud on you too... All you can do is hold your head up and move forward doing better... don't discuss mom.. don't talk about her with SD.. don't respond to BM.

Now, with SD.. your DH needs to take the reins.. he needs to be the one to work with her on behavior and expectations...  If she has a particularly hard school workload.. I can see giving her time to do it.. as long as she keeps her space tidy and doesn't leave messes in the common areas.. I don't think she needs to do a ton of chores... asking her to set the table or clear plates.. perhaps taking a turn cleaning her bathroom if she shares.. or cleaning her own if she doesn't share... those are all things DH  can and should be asking her to do.  Don't fall in the trap of trying to point out her faults.. just let your husband raise his child.. and if he lets her be disrespectful to you and your girls.. HE gets consequences too.

Frazzledmum's picture

Thank you.

Just to state it wasn't physical blows with her mother. Just a war of words. I'm the least physically aggressive person out there

ESMOD's picture

Well... glad it was verbal and not physical.. that is kind of a different story there.  I once told my DH's Ex that she wasn't a good mother and I wouldn't have to step in and help her younger daughter from getting held back in school if she had just provided the information to excuse the absences herself.  Funny.. it ended up being the last time she ever contacted me directly.