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Just need to vent ~ SD16 and car

ladybugfae's picture

SD16 got her license last Wednesday. She received my car, which was 7 years old, and I bought a new car.

Now, this has created a hardship for us, as now a car payment, et cetera, with having a new car.

And SD has not done anything to deserve this car, but that was DH's decision, and me supporting him, agreed with it.

DH wanted to have a family meeting with BM and her husband and SD to discuss rules for the car. I did not want to go, as
the last family meeting we had when SD got pregnant and caught running around and lying was such a farce, as she had a
complete attitude the whole time.

But I went to the family meeting because I support DH. Well, again, this was a meeting where SD had complete attitude,
everything seemingly going in one ear and out the other. At one point BM laid into her about how she is disrepectful and
ungrateful, blah, blah, blah, literally everything I had been thinking but did not say, and I think my jaw hit the floor.

SD had the car (excuse me language) ONE FUCKING DAY and backed into a parked car, and not just any car, MY GRANDMOTHER'S CAR!!!!

We find this out 11pm on Friday, the DAY AFTER THE FAMILY MEETING. DH comes down and tells me and I lose my shit, I mean, REALLY
lose my shit. I am a screaming lunatic, and I say SHE HAS HAD THE CAR ONE FUCKING DAY! And I said, I AM NOT DEALING WITH THIS, SHE IS, meaning SD.

So the weekend is ruined because I am literally seething. Of course SD is not the one handling it. BM calls my grandmother and is handling it
and BM will probably pay for the damage too, because everything is always handled for SD.

Yesterday DH goes with her to assess damage to the car because apparently she dented the bumper enough to cause damage. Estimate $410.

All I said was "okay." And DH was like, well, at least she hit someone we know and not a stranger. NOTHING about that brought me any comfort.

I need to develop coping skills for dealing with SD and all of her shit, because I know this is not the last of it. I do not have any kids of my own.

I have been reading a book on dealing with anger. And I have a few stepparent books checked out from the library.

I do okay for a while and then something like that happens and I am back to square one.

Just needed to vent. I know I am not alone in my situation or feelings, as many of you seem to have various issues with teen stepkids.

I tell you, it was like flipping a switch when she turned 16. And ever since then it is like waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time.

ladybugfae's picture

You know, I don't have a good answer to that. I just don't.

I just agreed to it.

Honestly, in light of everything that has gone on with SD in the past year
I truly did think that we would get past one day without an incident with the car, however.

But like I said, I just needed to vent about it, to people who actually have some understanding
of what it's like to have a teen stepkid.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Why did you agree to put yourself out for his skid? Did he pay you for your car? Did she have to give you a down payment?

ladybugfae's picture

I did it because I wanted to support my DH in what he wanted to do.

And I thought it would be a blessing in disguise, as in SD would not have to be carted everywhere,
picked up, dropped off, et cetera.

No down payment. She is paying her own car insurance and gave us six months upfront.

But obviously I may come to regret agreeing to it. But DH did say this is the only car we are providing,
meaning you wreck this one, you're on your own, or BM can buy her one.

Like I said above, I just needed to get it out to people who understand the situation with teen stepkids.

furkidsforme's picture

So I assume SD is paying for the damages for BOTH cars? That would be a good lesson in accountability. And it might make you not so angry.

robin333's picture

I understand your anger. I hope you and DH are NOT paying to get Grandmother's car fixed. That should be entirely on SD.

She's 16 and has a baby?

You need to start sharing your thoughts with DH. Supporting him means giving genuine input not just agreement.

ladybugfae's picture

No baby. BM took her to get an abortion, and BM paid for it.

SD is paying for both cars to be repaired. At least that's what I was told.
I know we are not paying for it. If BM pays for it, I will never know.

I have voiced my thoughts before. DH and I seem to disagree on just about anything
concerning SD. I had a horrible childhood and worked for every single thing I had.

SD has been given every single opportunity and everything she has ever wanted. Has had two parents
who get along for the most part and are supportive. But to me just seems disrespectful and ungrateful.

Like she was grounded for two months recently and one of the terms was not seeing her boyfriend.
DH followed through with it when she was here every other weekend, but we found out that BM let her see BF
quite frequently on the weekends she had her. So it's almost like what's the point of grounding if everyone
does not follow through?

DH knows exactly how I feel about all of it. I have voiced my thoughts many times.

But it's almost like telling someone to catch the wind with their bare hands.

He wants to chalk it all up by saying all teens are like that. And I say no they are not. I was not like that at 16.

But when it comes down to it I have learned that no matter what I say, DH and BM are going to do what they are going to do concerning SD.

robin333's picture

I can relate. My adolescence and young adulthood was different than skids.

I hope SD is on reliable birth control.

Glad to hear that SD will be paying to get the cars fixed.

ESMOD's picture

Oh.. brings back memories of my first car. My parents got me a VERY used car when I was 19 (we had been living in germany.. so i couldn't drive or get my license over there). WEll.. after about a month of driving.. I am thinking.. well.. gee.. I am getting the hang of this!

THEN BANG. I rear ended someone when I was merging.. oooooooh.. and did 1500 dollars worth of damage to a 1500 dollar car (this was in the mid 80's).

New drivers are prone to this stuff, my husband's niece took off the side of her car on her dad's work trailer.. My SD wrecked into a ditch 2x on the same day in the snow she "thought" she could drive in.

So, the fact that SD had a fender bender at 16 is NOT unusual.. it is good that BM and maybe SD are paying for the damages.. and maybe it was a wake up call for her to be more aware!

I have a feeling it was probably a little easier to talk you into doing this because you DID end up with a new car in the deal.. even if it is coming with financial strain of a payment, you are getting to drive the "new" one.

Not setting rules in advance was a mistake and really do family meetings work? I would figure that the two parents of this kid could talk on the phone and say that she can do X Y or Z then tell the girl BEFORE she gets the car what the rules are.

We made our younger SD go 50/50 on her car buying it because we didn't appreiate the entitled "you didn't buy me a nice enough car" attitude the older one gave us. She loves her car.. and is pretty responsible with it. Granted, she didn't get it till she was almost 18.. but she has epilepsy (100% controlled by meds for 3 plus years) and dad still was pretty reluctant to give her a car to kill herself in...

I think her having some skin in the game has made her appreciate it more. However, it didn't stop her from making a dumb decision to drive in the snow.. luckily she didn't really damage the car. just out of alignment, but sometimes the only way they learn is hard experience.

notasm3's picture

From what you've posted (which I realize is just a part of things) your SD sounds like a POS. Write her off. She is NOT your child.

You are not responsible for her turning out to be a lovely, young productive member of society. Too bad so sad for your DH that he raised her to be the person that she is. NOT your problem. NOT your responsibility.

Put her on ignore as much as possible and tell your DH to stop telling you about her issues and for God's sake DO NOT EVER GO to any more stupid "family" meetings.

You really should remove the phrase "support my DH" from your thought process - or at least minimize it. WTF is he doing to support you. It sounds like he is sucking the very life out of you while you desperately try to "support him".

Cover1W's picture

I have already made it clear that SD12 will NOT be using my car when she starts to drive.
Unless DP buys it from me, the title is transferred to his name AND he puts a down payment for me on a new car. Then, fine.

But IF that happens, I don't care about what's going on.

I have agreed to help SD12 learn to drive. And that will begin in whatever car DP has (he currently has a manual and I want her to learn that way - understand how the engine works first and foremost!).
I am the better driver and have more patience.
Her driver training is going to start next year, after she's 13 when I ban all electronic use by her if she is sitting in the front seat.
I started driving the farm tractor when I was 12 and the truck when I could reach the pedals the next year - time and experience is everything and I don't want bad drivers on the road. So it's totally self-preservation you see.

I think a lot of kids get into a fender-bender early on. Maybe not the first day (that's what I'm going to try to prevent) but usually. I rear-ended someone when I was 16. My sister took out the side mirror and scraped up the side of the door on our mailbox. I think she also backed into the garage door at one point. If you are no longer the owner of the car, and have no financial responsibility for SD, then don't worry about it. Follow up with your DH if you have to but lose the anger.

Tuff Noogies's picture

kaos will never get behind the wheel of my car. i've shared 'riding' duties w/ dh for both oss and lurch, and one thing in particular i've taught both since i've got far more experience at it and more patience than dh. but i'm going with a big ol' H3LL NO when it comes to kaos. the sad thing, when they were much younger, i'd mentioned many times that by the time he gets old enough to drive will be when i'm ready to upgrade my car so i'd give mine to him and get a new one for myself. OFFER RESCINDED!

Rags's picture

Did you repo the car? I would have. I would also have called the police to get an accident report and then would have made sure your GM filed against SD's insurance so her rates would go up.

Bring accountability and consequences. Obviously the breeding SD is incapable of learning from anything less than the most painful conseqeunce possible for her bullshit and considering her lack of improvements following getting knocked up not even that.

My Skid did not get his DL until he was 18. He did not even have it when we bought him his brand new car. We of course did not give him the keys until he got his DL. He spent 2mos with my parents going through my USMC dad's pre basic training fitness program and driving school. The kid drives like a bat out of hell but he has never had a wreck and generally is a decent driver. He was also in great shape when he reported to USAF BMT.