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Issues with Teenager not wanting to live with father

klthornton72's picture

I am not yet a step parent but I live with my boyfriend and we plan to be together permanently after his divorce is final.  Right now we are dealing with his 15 year old daughter who he just got temporary custody of until May.  She is currently living in Florida with her mother (we are in Indiana) but did not talk or see her dad for 2 years.  The court awarded him visitation, 1 week every month (she does online school).  She came July, August, September and October but refused to come November, December and January.  The judge was not happy and awarded my boyfriend temporary custody until dissolution hearing in May.  

She is refusing to come and states she will kill her herself if she has to come live with him.  It is clear the mother fills her head with nonesense and the divorce is very ugly.  His other 23 year old step daughter caused so much drama that once my boyfriend put his foot down, she refuses to speak to us.  

I'm worried that when the daughter gets up to Indiana all hell will break lose.  The family is full of drama and the mother is the ring leader.   I stay with my boyfriend but I do still have a house (again until the divorce is final, we are in limbo on what to do).  

Has anyone else experienced this?  I'm having a tough time as I hate drama but love my boyfriend.  I'm worried what we are in for when she comes, although my boyfriend says he will not put up with disrespect and he is the parent.  

I think there is more coming from the mom too, we even looked up the age for emanicipation because we see that coming.  Will a judge allow a 15 year old to decide where she wants to live?  

My boyfriend doesn't want to force her to be there, he just wants time with her and since she refused to do her visits, the judge stated that she live with the father. 

We are preparing for the worse, I hope it doesnt get to that, but i saw the actions of the older child and I'm bracing myself.

Any advice?  

justmakingthebest's picture

In this case, he needs to go there and get her and bring her back. Family therapy is a must.

At 15 the judge will listen to what they want but that is only one of  like 12 factors. Teenagers can have the opinion but what is best for them will ultimately be decided (hopefully).

Now, as far as how far your husband wants to push things, that is another issue and one that you need to talk about. Along with your concerns, what expectations are, what rules will be, what his support for you will be. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Continue to live in your own house and date your SO. He needs to be able to develop a relationship and a household with his daughter on his own. Trust me, she is going to resent being forced to move in with a Father who she doesn't really know, and she is going to turn her anger on you. Even if her Mom has poisoned her against her Dad, try and look at it from her perspective. She is being told she has to leave her Mom and her friends and her school to go live with someone who she dislikes. She is going to be awful to be around and there is no reason for you to subject yourself to it.

klthornton72's picture

That is what I am preparing myself for.  We have already discussed me going back to my house part of the time and he supports whatever I need to do.  I am empathetic to his daughter, she doesn't deserve this.  I too was divorced and have a 22 year old, I know how it goes and luckily my ex and I were mature enough to protect our daughter.  I am hopeful that once she comes she will give her dad a chance and get to know him, but I'm afraid she is going to be resentful because of this.  She has social anxiety to add to it all, so she's coming back here where she doesn't really know anyone (shes been in Florida for 4 years).

I do know that I will not be her punching bag like her older sister was to me, I don't think my boyfriend will allow it either.  

ndc's picture

This is a tough one.  If I understand correctly, your boyfriend and his wife have been separated for at least 2-1/2 years, as his daughter didn't see or speak with him for two years and he's been seeing her since last July (7 months ago).  Has it been much longer than that?  Also, who moved, and how long ago?  How did the week-long visits your boyfriend had between July and October go?  Does he think there's PAS going on, or is this a teenager who doesn't want to leave her friends/boyfriend/relatives/life for a week every month?  What I would do if I was your boyfriend would depend on some of those answers.  

OTOH, what I would do if I were in your shoes would be to keep a healthy distance between myself and this situation.  I would not try to influence his decision one way or the other, except to tell him I'd be moving back to my house for the time being to let him build his relationship with and parent his daughter.  Then I'd date/visit him and see how things work out.  

klthornton72's picture

Yes I'm sure alittle history is helpful.  SO and ex had a house here in Indiana and one in Florida.  Wife and younger daughter and niece moved to Florida in 2017 or 2018.  The only time he saw his daughter when it was good for wife.  He filed in Dec 2019 and daughter totally cut off communication.  So did the niece who they raised.  Niece actually told my SO to F*&^ off.  And just recently the 23 year old told him to F*^&^ off too.  Now it may look like there is something wrong with my SO but trust me, it is how they are raised by their mother.  He just put up with it too long.  

So reason why I am concerned with how the behavior will be.  When she was here July - October (1 week each month), she was decent.  Quiet but ok. She did get caught sneaking in his drawers, had vape pipes, so she has a wild streak for sure.  She is doing counseling and my SO was joining those but then she refused to participate with him.  She states she doesn't like anyone here and that her dad is never home and when he is, I am always there.  I see conflict already.  The oldest daughter (before she stopped talking to us) made it quite clear that it was not my house and it was still her mothers.  I know oldest daughter is still talking to mom and sister and she loves to stir the pot.  It's awful because our lives are very peaceful without all of this.  

I do know that I am 50 years old, I am NOT tolerating being treated with disrespect and I'm too old for drama.  I'm just scared it will not end well. 

ESMOD's picture

I can only guess that if this move is being made it is due to issues with her current living situation..either her mother has been found to be unfit?  or she has gotten into trouble where she is living and mom is perhaps ready to hand off a problem.

In both cases, I also can absolutely see how world destroying a change would appear to a 15 year old who has a social life.. and life in florida.  Wanting to go to Indiana? vs Florida? probably seems as appealing as going to a Siberian Prison.  So, again.. the NEED for her to move must be fairly important.

Is she going to be able to maintain any visitation with her mom at all?  Will she have any ability to go back for visits?

If it's not a danger situation.. I don't know if it might not be easier for him to make a change at the end of the school year.. but the order may be for NOW.. so that's what he may need to do.

As far as your own personal involvement.. I would step way back and let him deal with this without you being everpresent.  I would not live there and give some time for them to work through some adjustments.  that will also let you see what life would look like with her.. and you can decide if this is still a situation you want to be involved in.

klthornton72's picture

Haha yes moving from Florida to Indiana is like going to prison! The temporary order was given because daughter kept refusing to come stay in Indiana for my boyfriends ordered visitation.  Mother wasn't found in contempt or unfit, the judge just wanted to prove that a 15 year old can't make her own decisions.  The daughter does school online, she has extreme social anxiety.  Mom gets 1 week a month visitation so we will see how that goes, whether she flies back to Florida or mom comes up here.   All the family is up here in Indiana.   

I am taking one day at a time.  

TheAccidentalSM's picture

You are going to be landed with a 15 year old who is desperate to escape and get back to Florida. It won't be pretty.

At best you get a miserable person in the house.

At worst the 15 year old concocts abuse alligations to get sent back to Florida.

klthornton72's picture

That is exactly what my boyfriend is worried about- what measures will she take to get out of the house and go back to Florida?  My boyfriend desperatly wants to believe she will be fine and wants she's detoxed away from her mother she will be happy.  I don't agree, I have a daughter who was 13 when her father and I divorced, I know how loyal they can be.  his daugther also doesn't have the best role models.  My thought is, why make everyone suffer and be miserable - she is already threatening suicide, she is not going to "adjust" easily if ever.  

CajunMom's picture

This is going to be DIFFICULT. Taking a 15 year old away from the life she's known for years and being forced to a home where she really doesn't even know her dad that well. Ugh. I would not want to be living in that home.

As most have said, keep your home!!! Your DH needs to hire a therapist immediately for him and his daughter. Parental Alienation (what has happened to the child) is extremely hard to overcome, especially at her age. Remember, she's being uprooted from the only life she's known for years. 
 

Is that the only reason the judged changed custody? Her not visiting? If that's it, I'd consider talking to the judge and maybe ordering family therapy in Florida and on visits to your home. Since BM looks to be loosing custody, maybe she'll drop her fight and start  thinking about her child, getting her to her visits with her dad. 

Hope things work out but I think this is going to be one big mess, especially with her saying she'll kill herself before she moves. I feel sorry for the SD....stuck in the middle and it's her life being turned upside down. Ugh.

klthornton72's picture

Thank you all for the advice! The court ordered "temporary" custody to my boyfriend because daughter refused visits and he is trying to make a point that if you think your an adult and can make adult decisions, well this is life.  I'm afraid she will resent her dad even more and yes her life is being turned upside down.  Divorce is hard enough on children.  My boyfriend has faith that she will come around and he can have a relationship with her, but I'm try to be realistic about it.  Mom will always be in her ear and mom is manipulative and crazy.  Our hopes is that she comes around and my boyfriend is not opposed to joint custody and her living with her mom, he just wants some visitations with her.  The girl is already in therapy and my boyfriend plans on getting therapy when she comes.  

The next couple months will be difficult to say the least.  I'm taking one day at a time.  And selfishly, I know that I need to do me, we have spent almost every day together for a year and he has alot on his plate the next couple months. 

I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this, sometimes you feel like your alone and that you shouldn't have the thoughts that you have, but I'm only human.  If I didn't love him so much, I would of walked away and all his family and friends tell me they could never do what I do.  

ESMOD's picture

She is 15 not 5.  She is a lot closer to being able to legally walk out the door and tbh, it's kind of idiotic for a judge to prove a point that a 15 year old is not in charge of herself.  She has verbalized thoughts of harming herself.. and while it may just be lashing out because she is frustrated over the lack of control she has in this situation, the last thing this kid probably needs is to have her life upended by a move across the country leaving all her social network behind.

Was there a particular reason why she started to refuse to visit her dad? or was it more that as a teen she had a "life" with her friends and activities she didn't want to leave?  I mean, at 15, I slept in my house, but didn't spend all that much meaningful time with my family.. too busy with school and sports and friends.

Would she have seen him if he made the visit to go see HER? instead of trying to get her up to Indiana?  It seems like that would have been a start at things.. he could have traveled there once a month or something?

I mean.. I know the judge is trying to force this relationship with her dad.. but I have a feeling she will only dig her heels in further.. and at 15 she is much more capable of running away and actually getting in more trouble like that.  

I mean, the judge could have told her mom that if she didn't get the girl to visitation that she would lose her CS.. THAT might have pushed those wheels better than wrenching the girl from her home to go to the moon.

klthornton72's picture

Thank you, I agree and I am trying to be supportive of my boyfriend - it hurts him so much that this is going on and she doesn't want to be with him but you can't control how another person feels.  She stated she didn't want to come visit because there was alot of drama the last two times she visited, drama started by the older sister, didn't like that i was always around.   And of course, she doesn't want to leave her life down there, she had a job and a few friends.  I agree with you, why the judge felt this was the way to go doesn't make sense.  The more you force it, the more they resist.  My ex tried to force my daughter to stay living with him (this past year, she is 21) and she wanted to move back to my house.  She didn't talk to him for months because of it.  Granted a 15 year old shouldn't get to make all the decisions, but from her persepective, she wants a voice too.  There is a mediator in this case and she has been fighting for my boyfriend to see his daughter and that is great, but everyone is suffering.  My boyfriend doesn't even want custody, he just wants to see her but he won't tell the judge any different, I think he feels like he if he did, he is giving up and letting the ex win.  I told him it's not about who wins, it's about his daughter's well being and future.  Mom does let her have alot of freedom, but the girl is smart and very independent.  I think sometimes my boyfriend doesn't keep in mind she is 15, not 5 anymore.  I've told him, she is not going to want to hang out with us, she is going to want to do her own thing.  And although he claims we will still have our time and space, i'm not totally convinced because when she was here, everything revolved around her and what she wanted to do, what she wanted to eat, changed things in the house because of her, etc.   Sometimes I think it's a power struggle with him and his ex.  

ESMOD's picture

I get it... he doesn't want to be seen as a bad father by saying.. "I don't want custody"  But, it actually seems like switching custody right now is going to potentially cause more harm than good to not only his relationship with his daughter.. but also his relationsahip with you.  It appears your presence was already a sticking point to an extent previously... and even if it was her older sister driving that drama bus.. it's possible it will be a straw that is grabbed and used as a weapon to "hurt her dad the way she has been hurt by being made to leave all her friends"  and at 15, your friends ARE your whole life.. you are naturally pulling away from your family.. it's just how teens develop as they move towards full independance.

It's like it would be nice if he could say.

You know Judge, I love my daughter and I want to have a relationship with her.  Being able to see her in person means a lot to me and I want to have that contact with my daughter.  However, I don't know that forcing a 15 year old to uproot her whole life is going to do anything but create resentment and be a barrier to us having a healthy relationship.  I do want time with my child, I would be willing to split the difference a bit and would be open to traveling to FL myself every other month to see her, if they will agree that she will come for a week every other month.  I would also like to have regular calls/communication with my daughter..  Right now, your plan to prove the point that she can't control visitation is potentially going to push her to act out or do something that could be dangerous..  Maybe you could add a stick that would reduce or eliminate my support obligation if they don't hold up their end of the bargain by ensuring she come to see me.  I would also be in favor of court ordered family therapy to help heal the rift that has developed.

CajunMom's picture

And it will show his daughter that she IS his main concern. That can do serious countering to the PA.

klthornton72's picture

I think all of this needs to happen in a way to have some sort of closure.  At the very least my boyfriend can say he did all he could. I think he has this idea that she will get here and yes the first couple weeks will be hell but she will come around and want to be with him.  I wish that for him becasue i know how much he hurts over it, but I myself do not see this happening, only building a bigger resentment.  He just told me that he asked the mother to let him know what his daughter wants to bring back with her to make her comfortable and the response is "she wants nothing".  This is going to be hell.  I am glad I have my house to go to, I am a very simple, private, non dramatic person so this is just overwhelming for me.  And as much as i want to be with him and support him, I have a very high stressed job and I can't let all this drama effect me, my job, or my well being.  My boyfriend is good about sticking up for me and protecting me and making me a priority but when put in a situation like this, you have to deal with it and I get that.  I have to take it one day at a time and have faith.  Thank you for all the support and encouragement, I'm so glad i found this site as I have been struggling with all of this.  

CajunMom's picture

about a man who got his kid back at 16/17 who had been living overseas with his mom. He was abrubtly pulled from his home, life,  mom and girlfriend. (I think mom took kid to her home country and did not come back). That family was having a hell of a time with the kid and rightfully so. Sometimes, we have to be careful with needing closure. While you SO wants to say he did everything possible, be careful to not destroy his child in the process. Parental Alienation is difficult to overcome. Don't add to the damage. Please, get your SO to talk with a child therapist asap to help him manage this possible move.

klthornton72's picture

There are plans to have my SO and daughter do therapy when she comes up here. I have pondered and stressed about this alot not knowing the right thing to do.  I know for sure that I will support my SO and do what I can but what that looks like I am not sure.  I don't think I can live in a drama filled house and it was very akward when she had visits before.  It's not pleasant being the other woman and feeling like an outsider.  My SO states he will not let her run his life, but how can you not when the whole situation is not good.  He won't be able to leave her alone and worries what she will do or feed her mother.  That is a very difficult enivornment to be in even when you love someone wholeheartedly.  

I have already prepared myself to be more at my house and give the situation time and space.  I don't want to live in a home where its tense and awkward and everyone is on edge.  I have high anxiety as it is, I'm afraid this will set me over the edge.  

 

CajunMom's picture

not when she gets there. Possibly contact the judge to ask for this to be mandated by the courts.Therapy can be done via Zoom these days so your SO and his daughter can have joint sessions, with her still in FL. 

And yes...if you have high anxiety, you will need to stay away as much as possible. This girl is going to be filled with a lot of anger and hate, and rightfully so, being pulled from her life in Florida. I know your SO wants "closure" but I disagree with how he's going about it. There is a concept in the 12-step program that says, "to make amends unless it will do more harm." This, while not exact to the point, is what is going on with your DH and his daughter. Damage has been done....not by his doing....but still, damage is present. There is an innocent kid in the mix. And forcing her to move at 15/16 is going to be very detremintal to her.

I'm going to state it again....your SO does not need to get his "closure" at the expense of his child. I wish you all the best.

klthornton72's picture

There has been therapy sessions, SD has been in therapy for a couple years I do believe.  They started having sessions with her and father, they did two sessions (these sessions were done when she refused to come for her weekly visits).  After two sessions she refused to attend any longer with him but continued her sessions on her own.  They tried to get her to state why she didn't want to come to visit and she gave reasons like: didn't like anyone here, i was always there, sister is mean to her, dad goes in her room, etc.  Nothing concrete but nonetheless doesn't want to be here. I was present during one of the sessions and my boyfriend got very frustrated and I could see where she didn't want to talk to him.   

The girl does school online so isn't enrolled in a public school- she gets awesome grades, very intelligent. Very independent and mature.  She did get busted at a party- and so my boyfriend thinks she shouldn't be in that environment.  My child did all kinds of things at that age, I could see if she was getting bad grades and struggling in life.  All kids go through stuff like that.  What is she going to be like when she comes here and doesn't have any friends and hates the environment?  Grades? 

I think my boyfriend thinks he needs to get her out of Florida to "save her".  Again he likes to think she is 5 or something. Which makes me wonder what our lives will be like if he thinks this.  

I don't think it's right to just pull this 15 year old out of her home, town, friends, job, etc and expect her to just conform to this new life.  And your right, the damage has been done, she isn't just going to wake up one day and be like "oh I'd rather live here with dad"  AND her mom will still be in the picture influencing her thoughts and actions.  

I know my boyfriend will not tolerate disrespect or bad behavior, I'm more worried about the drama this is going to create and living in hell.  My home has always been a place of peace not chaos.  My counselor told me that people who have always had chaos in their lives will create it when its not there. This scares me! 

I feel like my life is on hold through all of this.  

Rags's picture

Threats, etc... by a kid regarding visitation... call her bluff. Have her ass dragged up in compliance with the CO and keep beating BM with a fresh contempt motion after each requrest for her to surrender SD as COd to do.

Lather.............. rinse.................. repeat.

At some point far too many parents have surrendered their testicular fortitude.  Time for that crap to end.

And, the BM's nor the SD's feelings are important.  What is important is the quality of behavioral and performance choices.  Holding both of them accountable and compliant to the CO ... is important.

IMHO of course.

Maria10's picture

His teaching of a lesson is only gonna have extremely otherwise costly consequences for everyone involved. 

My advice is to ask the judge to overturn his decision to move her to Idaho ONLY IF she has DIAGNOSED social anxiety.

Otherwise consequences. She gets to come.

Keep your house. Be there as much as possible.. if you can wait 3 years because you love him do.

Do not marry him until she ages out! The next three years will be rough no matter what. 

If your boyfriend acts like she is still 5 then maybe he needs counseling on his own?:A lot of divorce parents seem to have the DELUSION that theor children are going to be children forever. If he is gonna put his foot down like she was 5 of course she won't respect it because she is NOT 5. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elea's picture

This may not be a popular opinion on a step forum but as far as I am concerned child safety takes precedents over reunification. Ripping this child, who already has mental issues, away from everything she has ever known, school, friends, living with her BM, and transplanting her into a new state is a recipe for disaster. She is likely to run away or self-harm from the stress and anxiety this causes her. Unless she is in eminent danger this order makes no sense. Unfortunately there are a lot of dumb judges out there. 

klthornton72's picture

Thanks for all the advice - being a divorcee myself, I know it's not easy on anyone involved.  So daughter is here with her father. They got in Friday around 5 pm.  We went for some pizza Friday night and that is the only time she has really been out of her room.  She comes downstairs at times but is short, won't look you in the eye and you can tell extremely depressed.  When I see her look at her dad, I see so much anger in her eyes.  My boyfriend is giving her a couple days to adjust but then he's going to get her involved in things and not allow her to hold up in her room.  He has realized and even made the comment that he has to stop thinking about how she was or what she liked two years ago, she is not that same child.  Win for him! 

Her mother filed an emergency order but the judge has not acted on it as of yet.  I'm not sure he will.  

I spent yesterday with my daughter at my house so that was a nice break for me and realize that as much as I want to help him and be there for him, I got to take care of myself first and foremost.

I do still think this whole situation is going to permanently damage the relationship with my boyfriend and his daughter.  She is angry as hell with him and will continue to get fed information from her mother, that is extremely hard bond to break.  

Please say a pray for all of us! 

klthornton72's picture

It All Came Out with boyfriends daughter last night.  It has been two weeks since she has been here and has basically been in her room for the most part.  She did go to her sisters Friday and Saturday night and came back yesterday (Sunday) about 5.  We are going to Florida for my birthday and would like her to go and she is refusing to go.  She basically told him she doesn't want to go anywhere with him and doesn't want to be here. She just let it all out!  He kept saying it was court ordered and he is doing what he is suppose to do and that she has to make the best of it, no more staying in her room, sleeping until noon, and is going to be a part of activities we do.  He brought up situations that happened in the past, daughter basically threw it in his face that he doesn't have a relationship with any of his girls (3 girls, but this one is the only one that is biologically his). 

Mom is coming up from Florida next week and would like to have her for the week.  My boyfriend didn't want to let it happen because "the court order says April for visitation" and he knows it will set his daughter back and he will be battling with the ex.  

After the blow up (between boyfriend and daughter) I went and talked to the daughter.  At the very least I wanted to show some empathy to her as this has to be extremely difficult and I feel my boyfriend is just building the wedge with her.  I'm questioning right now the fact that do you really want your daughter because you love her or is it to get back at ex- I could be wrong but that seems to be the motive.  I'm so worried about this girls' mental health and her being put in the middle of this.  She told me alot of things that make me question what the hell really happened- regardless of the past, its time to put the hate and anger for each other (boyfriend and ex) and do whats best for daughter.  

I am very concerned if he gets full custody of her (hearing is May) - I mean I know she's just a very confused teenage girl and I don't believe she hates her dad, but how do you force someone to be with you when they don't want to.  And what damage will it do.  

I want my boyfriend to have a relationship with her but a healthy one.... 

Rags's picture

This seemingly eternal quest in pursuit of fee fees is such a waste in the blended family/broken family world IMHO.

Our first attorney was one of these "can't we just all get along" group hug types. They cost us $Tens-of-Thousands, gave the blended family opposition the mistaken perspective that anyone gave a shit about what they wanted, and gave them the idea that the stipulations of the CO were discretionary.

So, we replaced that attorney with a Shark who was absolutely clear on what we were engaging them to make happen.  That said, our Shark did ask us a few questions before agreeing to take us on as clients. 

1.  Are you focused on the best interests of the child or are you focused on getting back at BioDad?

2. Are you prepared for a potentially protracted battle and do you have the financial ability to fund it?

3. If I do not believe that what you are attempting to accomplish reasonable or is not possible/advisable are you willing  to consider my counsel?

Yes (to the best interests of the child though shredding the SpermClan was certainly an entertaining bonus), yes, and YES!  

What is best for the child is rarely what the child wants. Kids, particularly teens, want what they want and rarely have a clue about what is best for them.

I advise that you quit undermining  your mate, align with your mate, and stop playing subversive games with the Skid that do not support what Dad is trying to accomplish.  Your SO interjected to get his daughter away from the toxic BM in order to provide his daughter with a better home, life, and parenting.  It is loosely covered in your OP above.

SO is right and if he needs to smack BM about the face and shoulders with the CO, and smack his daughter about the face and shoulters with the CO, then so be it.  Figuratively of course.

As for his other daughters, unless he adopted them, they are no longer his daughthers though they very well may have been his daughters when he was married to his X.  As sad as it is, former SPs generally have no legal standing regarding their former Skids following a divorce.

In short, sit down with your SO, align, and support. Or leave if you cannot support his goals regarding his daughter.

All IMHO of course.

 

klthornton72's picture

I am not undermining my SO, I've done nothing but support him and his journey with all of this.  Trying to create a relationship with his daughter is not undermining and I asked him if it was ok to do so.  I do have the right to have my own thoughts and opinions on the situation.  I do not hide this from him and he appreciates my perspective.  My goals are aligned with his and as I stated, I want him to have a relationship with his daughter- she is a great girl. I just know from my own personal experiences as other friends around me that have lost relationships with their children because they thought they had to SMACK the other parent down and the child.  I'm not here to shred any SPERMCLAM as you put it, I'm here for the best interest of my SO and his daughter.  Nobody wins in these situations and I'd love nothing more than his daughter to be a part of our lives but being cold and insensitive to a 15 year old girl will only build a wedge that may be unrepairable.  I support my SO if this is the path he wants to take, I don't agree with it and that's my right.  

Rags's picture

Part of our journey was protecting our son from the crap on the toxic side of the blended family equation.  It was a decade and half+ journey to get our son raised and launched into a viable, successful, and healthy adult life.  Something that even the elder "adults" in the SpermClan have not accomplished.  Sadly, our son's three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs are not viable adults and range from a sentence serving convict and a soon to be sentence serving convict, to a barely able to support themselves struggling semi-adult although they are all three in their mid-ish to late 20s.

We never had the struggle that your SD-15 is experiencing because we had a CO in place early.  I know that your SO does not yet have that tool.  Once it is in hand, your ability (you and SO together) should be notably improved and you should be able to more clearly protect the best interests of your SO's daughter.

I hope that is what happens for you, your SO, and your SD.

Not only should you advise your SO, I think that is a critical success factor in successful blended family marriages/relationships, and in all successful equity life partnerships.  Agree with him or not, your guidance is imperative.  That has always been the case between my bride and I.  On the Skid topic, containing and controlling the SpermClan topic, her guidance on my career, vice versa, etc...  

klthornton72's picture

The divorce is final and my SO and I are moving on.  He got 50/50 custody of his daughter so she will be traveling back and forth from Indiana to Florida.  We have seen a significant improvement in her - she is actually opening up to me and we are excited to move on knowing that we don't have to walk on egg shells anymore.  I'm so glad I didn't walk away and stuck by my SO's side, we have endured more the past year than most will endure a lifetime.  It has made us stronger and we are ready for what comes next.  

Winterglow's picture

**Thanks for your update! It's always good to get good news! 

How is the 50-50 divided up? School year vs holidays or is she going to do online schooling at one home or the other or both? 

klthornton72's picture

It is always nice to see a happy update!!  She does online school so that doesn't pose an issue, however, we are concerned about her social life here in Indiana.  We are working on that, getting involved with a church and trying to get her to make some friends up here.  The guardian em litem is the one who proposed the schedule that worked in the best interest of all the parties.  

We will see how it goes- she turns 16 next week and her counselor up here says she is just bying time until she is gone but we are hoping to keep building the relationship.  

 

 

Winterglow's picture

Are there any local activities where you live? Maybe look into gyms or classes (one of mine loves zumba and the other loves salsa), does she have any particular interests? Check out what's happening at your local library - often a source of interesting things to do. Maybe also contact your local home schooling groups, they're sure to have ideas for you! Another option might be volunteering - goodwill, animal refuges, food banks, that kind of thing.