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Introduction and advice requested for sd

stepfaery's picture

Wow am I glad to find you! It's not easy going about your life and trying to explain to friends that you just don't like your husband's kids. I just found the group and glad to be here.

My DH has 2 girls (15 and 17) from his 1st marriage. At first, things were pretty ok. They are smart, funny, and generally nice. Over the past couple of years (we've only been married for 2)they have been getting increasingly annoying and difficult to be around. BM is a lunatic and will frequently yell and scream, even smack, telling them they are fat (they are not) or ugly (they are not) or worthless (they are not). So, H feels guilty when they come over and seeks to let them be.

As a result, they don't clean up after themselves, don't volunteer to help with anything, lounge around and text their friends. H moved into my house with my "stuff".

I've done my best to make a nice environment for them but the lack of regard or manners drives me mad! Never have they thanked me for anything I've done. I've taken them on trips, restaurants, fun activities but never have they thought that I didn't have to do that.

I've withdrawn from them and dread when they come over (every other weekend) and it creates a lot of tension during those weekends. Now, they want to bring their friends over to our community pool and I really don't want them to.

I feel like they come here to visit their dad--they don't live here. Truthfully, their lack of manners or appreciation doesn't really make me want to do anything nice for them anymore.H put me on the spot when they asked yesterday and I said no that I didn't want them bringing friends over. Of course he sees them as his angels and feels guilty that their mom is so abusive.

Am I being unreasonable? Help!

Lovepets's picture

Hi Stephfaery, that is a tough situation. Can you suggest that they should be spending time with their father and if he wants to supervise them at the pool that would fine? If he can't or you would simply rather not have them hang out at the pool could you say that the hoa or management does not want unsupervised children at the pool? Best wishes that it gets easier!

stepfaery's picture

Hi lovepets,

When they first asked, I said that they get to spend such little time with their dad that it's not fair to them (though their dad would be ok with them having friends over). Then they said that they could do it during the week when we're not there. I said I wasn't comfortable with them being here when we're not. If their dad goes with them, that means I can't (for fear of drowning one of them j/k!)And, they are smart enough to see other teens there without parents.

The worst part is that I feel like the bad guy because my H doesn't mind (they are his kids and it's not his house).
Thanks for the well wishes--I need them!

MamaBecky's picture

I understand your frustration. I have a SD13 who isn't very appreciative of all of the things I do for her and it does frustrate me from time to time. On the other hand though I feel that I married her father knowing that she was part of the deal and agreeing to become her stepmom. I would never say that although she only lives here part time that this is not her other home and I would never refer to our home as just mine. When you got married you gave up your single life, your bachelorette pad and your sole independence for a man with children. You can still be an independent women but your life is now a we; now a me. (god I'm corny) Smile Your SD's should feel at home in their fathers home. It is just as much his now as yours and that also makes it theirs. This can be a hard pill to swallow but really I find it necessary. It was a very important mental flip I had to make when I brought my H into my home and the visitations started. I think you should demand respect from your SD's. If they don't start giving it then STOP doing for them. (the extra stuff) Once they go without a few things and ask "why didn't you do this..." and you tell them "well you didn't seem to appreciate it last time" they might take the hint. I have had to do this to SD13 a couple of times. In your case if H agrees that his daughters should be able to use the pool at his home, and he is willing to take responsibility for them while they are there then let the girls have their friends over and while they are swimming go shopping or go out with girlfriends. If there are any issues during the event your H can deal with them. Most likely the girls will just swim, sunbathe, and blabber about boys. It's summer, a few weeks left of vaca for them...I don't think what they are requesting is anything extra ordinary or outlandish. Good luck and I hope that it works out for you!

stepfaery's picture

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I was just coming off of a weekend with them where I was put on the spot about them coming over. I'm still not thrilled about the idea but know it would make H happy. That's what I care about (not if it makes Sds happy).

LKSM's picture

Just wanted to say that I can totally appreciate that awful feeling of not being appreciated, and not having the power to discipline or set expectations for respectful behavior.

As an individual, and as a woman who is their role model, you have the right to let them know how their behavior makes you feel. Let them know that you are someone who likes to give, but you're not going to feel motivated to give extra privileges and opportunities to them unless you feel respected and appreciated by them. You can tell your husband the same thing - he's not a single parent any more.

Your husband should absolutely back you up on your need for respectful behavior, otherwise they'll just see you as the wicked witch. Have a family meeting and let everyone talk about how this relatively new arrangement (the blended family) is working. Maybe they have some concerns, too.

Good luck!

LKSM

stepfaery's picture

Thanks LKSM, it's nice to know that other people understand, too.

I ended up having a chat with him tonight about it all and explained how I felt and I was reluctant and not thrilled with the idea. He didn't see them as being disrespectful and doesn't think they need to thank us after every action. He says that's what parents do and it's a thankless job. That's unacceptable to me--I'm not their parent. I make a lot of sacrifices for them and I would like them to know that I sure as hell don't HAVE to.

He just wants us all to get along and I had to remind him that we may never get along and I'm ok with that. It's nice to know that I'm not totally off the mark with how I feel about them. There's nothing wrong with me (or with them). They are just not my family--they are his.