If I was that age and you said no TV during the day in the summer???!!! ( :jawdrop: ) and keep your room door open, I would hate you too. I could be wrong but it seems as though you are just trying to be controlling and you are frustrated with him so you are making everyone miserable because you are and your rules didn't even work. If you want any type of relationship with this kid you need to lighten up. I agree he should get a job, but maybe he would be more inclined to do so if you did help him get tabs or the things he needs, he doesn't have a job right now to pay for it so maybe instead of fighting his independence you should encourage it and he will get out of your hair.

It really isn't out of the ordinary for a 17yo boy to separate himself. I think you trying to be the disciplinarian is just going to create more distance.

Frankly, I'd be pissed if at 17 you were telling me I couldn't watch TV during the day & you made me keep my door open all the time.

And with the $175 fine you paid for him, if he doesn't have a job, how would think he's going to pay you back? Don't pay for his insurance or anything else vehicle-related. If he doesn't have a job he has no money to put gas in the car. If he isn't contributing the gas in the car, he doesn't get to drive it.

He DOES need to get a job. The fact that his mother is a guilty parent is a big problem & not your SS's fault. That's all on her & it's something you need to address with her.

How much do you sacrifice for him? Only as much as you are willing. Right now it's SS17. SD is only 13. If your wife isn't willing to start parenting her children, it's only a matter of time (a short time) before SD becomes your nightmare.

I think a 17 year old spending time in their room with the door closed is totally normal. I’d let that go. Enjoy the peace of not having your space invaded.

By ignore you do you mean not acknowledging you? Does he walk past you without saying hello or leave without saying good-bye? If he does, that’s disrespectful but it’s something your wife needs to address. If your DW is not backing you up you’ll never get anywhere with your SS17.

I’d have a conversation with her when the skids aren’t around. I’d explain that SS17 doesn’t have to love you but he does have to respect you as an adult in the house and that ignoring you is hurtful as well as disrespectful. I’d let your DW know that by ignoring the behavior she is agreeing with your SS17 and that is also hurtful to you as her husband. My SS11 does this and it’s very hurtful. My DH has finally started to call him on it and it has made a huge difference.

As for the car, if you and your DW agreed that you would not pay then stick to that agreement. SS17 should have a job and be paying for car related expenses. If your DW is wavering I’d remind her that her exH was the one to purchase the car and that if you continue to pay for his car it doesn’t teach him to be a responsible productive adult (which he will be in a year).

As for paying the fine, it was nice of you but expecting SS17 to pay you back when he doesn’t have a job is setting him up for failure. A compromise may be to gift him the amount he owes for Christmas. What I mean by that is whatever you and your DW were going to spend on him for Christmas, subtract the amount he owes and then give him a card with a note that says the fine of $175 has been paid off as a Christmas present. This would wipe the slate clean and show your DW that you’re willing to compromise.

IMHO – it would be better for you to leave discipline of your skids to your wife. You disciplining them isn’t helping anything it’s driving a wedge between you and everyone else, probably resentment too. Better to step back and let her deal with it than be the bad cop. The only things you can really control are your own actions. It took me a long time to learn this and has helped a lot.

We just had the car conversation with my SS15 and BM. DH told SS15 (after talking it over with BM) when he gets his drivers license that we are not paying for a car, insurance or gas. We told him he needs to get a job and pay for that on his own. The only exception we made was if he’s driving his brother on our behalf, than we’ll provide gas money.

Hope this helps.

~BettyRay

I'm in agreement with the rest of the posters that at his age, you should completely remove yourself as disciplinarian. That does NOT mean do not have any rules for your home. But you should be directing your attention at his mother. She needs to start disciplining this boy and here is how you make this work. He is not to disrespect you (cursing at you, touching your things, breaking your things, etc.), he is to do his school work and stay out of trouble (driving with expired tags, etc.) Other than that, he is not your concern. Just do your best to be civil when you two are around each other (and if he wants to just sit in his room after he has taken care of his responsibilities, let him). He is old enough that he can learn his alienation lessons on his own. How you make him not your problem: Seperate bank accounts if your wife will not begin disciplining. Calculate all of your monthly bills that are associated with your home (this does not include kids' cell phones, cars, clothes, etc.... only mortgage, utilities, and such). Then split that number by the number of heads in the home 75% or more of the time. You pay for you and your kids, she pays for her and her kids. That money goes into an account that is ONLY USED TO PAY HOUSEHOLD BILLS. Anything extra that is accrued by her kids, is her problem. If he breaks something of yours, she is to pay for it and try to get the money out of him. Won't happen, but it will give her a HUGE motivation to begin disciplining him when it is impacting her ability to get that Coach purse she so badly wants. If she is a stay-at-home mother to teenage children, I'm sorry but it is time for her to find a job as well, because if she is okay with raising an unruly child, she is not doing her job as a homemaker. It seems harsh, but that is only because it is. A divorce would be much more harsh, however. And about your ss not wanting anything to do with you, DO NOT FORCE IT! He is just at that age. I regret now some of the things I did to my step dad at 17 but I couldn't see that until I was 25! And I am a woman and we all know that women mature faster. Just let the thought of having a relationship go, but do not allow him to disrespect you or your belongings. And that you address with his mother, not him.

So what are the plans for dealing with this 17 year old when he turns 18 a few months from now? Does he plan to just watch tv in his room forever?

A 17 year old who has made no attempt to ever have a job sounds pretty worthless to me.

"stop making your imagined authority over him your daily entertainment."

I LOVE that line, hits the nail right on the head...and I am sure alot of us, myself included, have been guilty of this from time to time. It couldn't have been said any better!

I agree that banning TV during the summer was a little harsh. I mean, if he got caught stealing or got busted w/ drugs, I'd ban the TV (and everything else), but not for keeping to himself. That's what teenagers do.

However, I do not agree w/ the people who said since the kid doesn't have a job, you shouldn't expect him to pay you back. B.S! He can rake leaves, mow the grass, shovel snow, baby-sit, anything to earn money. His BD was supposed to renew the tags but didn't. If Kevin was aware of that and chose to drive anyway, then he most certainly should be paying you back.

Well, I think that your intent is good, we have a reclusive child my hubby tried similar things with, didnt work....suggestions? Try including yourself in things THEY like? It worked well with our daughter. Sometimes trying to try to hard IS too hard and your smothering the kids, though what your trying to do is the oppositte...try to let up and maybee try your hand at some video games or school him in some old school ones As far as the car hes a darn lucky kid to have you guys, our children are not allowed to work during the school week..only weekends and summer, if they want a car they have to have a/b average, pay for half the car and EVERYTHING else it needs or they cant have it. We are 100% in agreement with you on that. AND we live in the bumpkins, so its parental units taxi OR the car ...no bus option. Also if you told him very clearly, then he already know and giving in would be just that giving in.

As far as the 19 year old slashing tire, wed would give one option, pay to replace them or what we paid or were pressing charges, HE is NOT a child hes a deliquent BRAT and if not put in his place NOW he will be the rest of his life.

As far as everyones touching base on the disciplining i do not agree...you've been in his life for 5 years, not a NEW relationship, since he was 12 and you've apparently been his only disciplinarian...a child NEEDS a disciplinarian, this kids gotten a bad card and you have bee a stable person within it. Here's what I DO suggest, talk with Mom...get on the SAME PAGE...agree on discipline and both of you have to voice that you understand that no one is going to get what they completely want..you have to both settle for a middle ground in the discipline. My huby and I have found disciplining together on a united front will have MUCH better results. He could be needing mom to get strong and kick his ass with you.

These kids and your family needs you try not to give up, find some quiet time for JUST you and mom to talk and share and find common ground were you both give and get a little then come back in as a united front. And kick the 19 years olds ASS! Don;t let him get away with that or Mom will end up only seeing him behind bars, do your best to get her to see that! Good luck!

ps and edit as far as that fine, pshhhhh...our kids would be digging up fences and digging diches in 100 degree weather lathered in sunscreen if they pulled that crap...or they would have no christmas or birthday money, whichever came first.