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I want to improve my relationship with abused step-daughter

RonnieT's picture

I met my fiancé almost 2 years ago I was 26 & she was 30. She had a 14 year old daughter (16 now) and 3 year old twin boys (now 5). Her daughter was/is best friends with my eldest niece.
She's divorced from her ex-husband 6 months previous - so here's the thing - he was a pr!ck, they split because he'd been abusive towards her daughter.

They were renting a flat so they moved in with me quite quickly cause I have a decent house (im a mechanic, run a small gargle with my older brother) but her step-daughter was always a bit off with me, but I figured it would just take time - she'd been through a lot and she'd see I was a decent guy.

Two years on we're getting married, the boys call me dad but she still is incredibly distant with me - not any other men, just me! She's always liked my older brother and her my younger brother, stanley get on really well, it's only me shes funny with. She flat out refused to be bridesmaid at our wedding - it hurts a bit, cause I always tried dead hard and she must know I’d never lay one finger on her!

Plus like the other day she was hanging out at ours with one of her friends and I came in from a run with my medal they give you, which her friend seemed to find hilarious and she was like “omg Alex how can you not like this guy, he’s such a cutie” – so she clearly makes no secret about not liking me!

Anyway the reason im writing this now is cause I thought I had a break through with her the other day cause her bf broke up with her and she was upset and I was the only one in and she actually gave me a hug and we played pool & air-hockey for a bit and we we're just talking (which was massive in itself) and then for like the first time she actually opened up to me about her mum’s ex, that she trusted him, thought he would be like a dad to her etc etc and in the end I though we’d really got somewhere but then the next morning she was back to avoiding me wear possible!

I love those boys and her like my own, I know shes had it tough and I know I wasn't there when she was growing up, but im here now, and if she'd let it happen we could still have a relationship - she doesn't have to call me dad or ask me to give her away but I could teach her to drive or pick her up from a night out. I want to make my little families lives better but I feel like im making hers worse - like she'll actually play with her brothers or chat to her mum when im not about but then like ill get home form work and her face will literally drop and she wont be able to get out of there fast enough - its a difficult situation.

emotionaly beat up's picture

My advice. Back off, don't try so hard. Actions speak louder than words. Give her time and space to come to you. Your fiancé however needs to make sure this girl knows she doesn't have to like you, but she'd damn we'll better not be rude or disrespectful towards you.

If your coming home from work and she is not saying so much as hi, if she is making you feel uncomfortable in your own home, then your fiancé needs to get that straightened out. You need that done BEFORE you marry, because it won't happen after.

You can't make her like you. You can expert her to be polite. She more than likely senses your desperate to have her like you, it's probably that aspect of you she doesn't trust. I'd back off and stop trying do hard if I were you. She knows your there if and when she needs you.

RonnieT's picture

Hey,
Yeah its tough, I mean shes not 'rude' as such she just kind of ignores me...unless my neice/her best friend is around then she'll kind of muster up a 'hi Ron'.
I mean it does make the atmosphere a tad uncomfortable sometimes, im a big boy I can deal with that but the twins are too young to understand and they definitely pick up on the bad vibes which is something neither me or my fiancé want.
I know my fiancé has tried talking to her but its just the same 'he's nothing to do with me, he's your bf, I didn't ask to move here, etc etc' bullsh!t that she always spouts when pressed. I think Steph finds it hard because obviously it was her who brought her ex into the home - obviously not her fault, he played a good game but I still think she feels that some of the responsibility for what happened was hers.
She's a good kid, doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink to excess (most of the time), goes to school - and I guess we have just kind of let her ignoring my existence slide.
The thing is I want to improve the atmosphere in the house, I don't want to turn it into a battle field and I feel like we're treading a very thin line between the two.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

My feeling on this is that its only been a couple of years and she is in that teenage years of her life. I say give it some more time as long as you say other then her ignoring you that she is a good kid, leave her to be a good kid. Just keep coming across nice to her and let her have her space for a while. She most likely has trust issues due to the abuse and its going to take her a while. Let her come to you, don't push it or you will just push her further away as she in her young mind might feel a bit awkward. Just let the relationship happen on its own. Its just my gut feeling.

I have an SD22 right now, she was 10 when I came into her life, she did not want anything to do with me. Here it was just because I was her Dads new girlfriend and soon to be wife and she had the toughest time with the divorce. OH it used to bug the crap out of me...now I realize she was just a kid having a hard time with the divorce and her mom was filling her head with bad stuff about her father which wasn't anything true. Now her and I are as close as can be, we are on a parent/daughter relationship and actually we even act like great friends to one another now that she is an adult and going to college and doing great with her life. We talk daily on the internet. She comes to me for almost all advice. So I say give it time and it may be a long time.