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I think I've had enough

klthornton72's picture

I posted a couple times previous about my situation but here is a recap.  My boyfriend (of over a year) is going through a nasty divorce. Things were great when we first got together but it's getting trying.  He just got temporary custody of his daughter that he hadn't seen in 2 years and didn't see her much 2 years prior to that.  Her mother and her live in their house in Florida and we are in Indiana.  So with said custody, daughter is depressed, won't eat with us, won't hardly leave her room, its tense to say the least.  I've been staying with my boyfriend since July.  I have a house of my own (my daughter is now living there she is 22) and have all my belongings still at my house except for clothes and my makeup and such at his house.  I literally have no space- my clothes are folded up on totes in the bedroom, i have a few drawers with stuff but that is it.  I did this because I thought things would be moved along alot quicker.  

He has alot of stuff to move out and around to even consider me having my belongings there.  He has done some cleaning although it took a fight to get to it. 

So last night I brought up again my feelings, I didn't bash him, I said I feel, this is how I feel, and it turned totally into I'm picking a fight and he can't do anything right and this is the situation.  That's all i ever hear is excuses.  He says he hasn't made room for me because first he had to get things out of the other 2 daughters room, and now he is waiting on his other daughter to move her stuff around.  To me it's total BS, what does my belongings in his room have to do with that situation.  And what priority am I that I've mentioned it and he doesn't take the time to make me feel comfortable.  I feel like a stranger in that house and he doesn't understand why.  He'll bend over backwards to make his daughter comfortable but he won't even make room for me and my stuff.  I feel like he's in denial and can't get past the life he had and move on. 

Along with that, there are many other things going on.  I'm just tired of the excuses and I feel like if he really wanted to make this work, he would make me a priority and do this.  I've tried to push through it, I've tried to discuss it with him and it ends up in a fight.  I'm to the point that I'm just going to move my stuff back to my house and when he gets this taken care of we can discuss living arrangements then.  I feel he is taking me for granted and that I will just go with the flow.  What is now is not working and I clearly need to do something different.  I love him so much but he is burning me out on this relationship and the whole center of our lives is HIS situation. And he makes it quit clear it is HIS situation.  I'm tired of hearing about it, I'm tired of dealing with it, and part of me feels that I would be happier single and not going through it.  

Words of wisdom?  How do I save this relationship or do I just move on? I'm about to my breaking point. 



Winterglow's picture

Go back to your own place and see how things go. Let him sort things out with his daughter without you there (that way he can't blame you) and give him time to actually miss you. See how you feel in a couple of months. My guess is that you'll already have moved on completely. 

klthornton72's picture

Great advice, it's easy to take someone for granted when they are always there for you.  I need to stop sucumbing to his needs and take care of mine. 

Merry's picture

The good news is that it should be easy enough to pack up your stuff.

Do it, and don't wait. The fact that he hasn't made room for you speaks volumes. He doesn't WANT to make room for you, and he's too lazy to act like he does.

That alone is reason to go back to your own house, but add all the drama with the daughter? Heck no, be gone before he gets home.

Why would you want to save this relationship? I think what you really want to save is the early days when the relationship was new and shiny and fun and romantic. But he got comfortable and now you know the REAL guy. You deserve better.


ESMOD's picture

I think this pretty much sums it up here.  Look, this guy has a LOT on his plate and while I know that as a woman, it is kind of driving a need to be helpful and nurturing, but he really needs to figure this situation out with his daughter.  It may go badly.. and really badly and like a lot of us have said.. this road is not exactly one that is destined to have a lot of success and is kind of a window into the way he operates.  He is willing for his daughter to go through a lot of pain and upheaval to get what he wants..the fact that he hasn't gotten her mental health counseling speaks volumes that it is his needs that are most prioritzed for him.

And.. that follows through to him not making room for you in his home.  Nothing with the other rooms has a thing to do with giving you space to put your things.

So, I would just tell him that you are going to go back to living in your home full time because he and his daughter need time and privacy to move forward... and you don't think your presence is helpful and honestly, this is an issue between them and you shouldn't insert yourself into it.

If and when he has time for a relationship, you can date him if you want.. or decide to date other people.. I don't know how that part of the convo will go though.

klthornton72's picture

Truth! Relationships are always great in the beginning and then you get comfortable and the real person comes out.  I see all this wearing on him and it brings me down as well.  

SeeYouNever's picture

I don't think he's ready for you yet. I wouldn't live together until he's made the house ready for you and done with the divorce.

Of course moving out now is going to make him feel bad, if you don't want to break up then don't, try to use it as a motivator for him to get his life in order. It sounds like he moved on to building a life with you before he finished cleaning up the mess of his old life 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I'll offer the same advice that I did on your first post. Move back into your house and just date your SO. He needs to figure out his new life as a divorced man who has full custody of his teenage daughter on his own. He is in no way ready for a serious relationship. If you are ok with just dating, then go for it. If you are looking for a full time and long term partner, this man is not the one for you.

Harry's picture

As much as you don't want to do it. I understand.  You must show him you mean business. Move back to your own home. Until he makes space for you,  like he moves his stuff out for your stuff. 
Bigger issue is what is your DD going to do. ???  You know she can not live with you, BF and the main issue his DD,s. They are too old to play the sisters game. It will be WWIII 

Maybe he is not ready for a real relationship.  Once divorced, it may be another story 

klthornton72's picture

Oh well in terms of our daughters- there is more drama! His oldest daughter (23) is so jealous of my daughter that she wouldn't even meet her.  When she finally did, she was disrespectful and mean.  Then later texting my boyfriend saying all kinds of crap.  Told him to F&^% off too.  They are not on speaking terms right now but if she comes back into the picture, that is another issue to face.  

Rags's picture

So, quit telling BF how you feel and smack him repeatedly with the facts.

1.  You will not tolerate rude from his newly resident daughter. He fixes it our you will. Then do it.   No feelings, just facts and related actions.

2. He has not made you welcome. FACT Your stuff is in totes. FACT  These are facts, not feelings.  Smack him with the facts, over, and over, and over again. 

3. If he wanted you there, he would not have a bunch of stuff to move out. It would already be moved out and you would be moved in. FACT

'"I brought up again my feelings, I didn't bash him, I said I feel, this is how I feel,....."   

".....he doesn't take the time to make me feel comfortable......"  

"I feel like a stranger....."

"I'm just tired of the excuses and I feel like if he really....."

"I feel he is taking me for granted....."

".....and part of me feels....."

Feel with one hand and take action with the other and then look at which one accomplishes the most. Feelings accomplish nothing. That is a fact.

Quit feeling and start acting.  Ingnore the feels and asses the fact.  Feeling accomplishes nothing. Make better choices for  yourself based on the facts rather than the feels.  And... keep in mind that love is a verb not a noun.  If he is not demonstrating the love he supposedly has for your, he does not love you and he is not an acceptable recipeint for your love. Either the actions of love that you take, or the warm tingly feelings most people mistake for love. 

Love is aciton. The feelings of love are built as a resut of the actions.  Never forget that. What so many claim as love is just hormones and passion. Neither are love.

Love yourself. Quit wallowing in the feels and get on with your life.

IMHO of course.


klthornton72's picture

I like your thoughts and views.  They always say take the emotions out of it.  I'm in HR, I deal with alot of emotions and am great at doing it at work- need to practice this in my personal life.  I'm such a giver though, and I want to make everyone happy that I end up sacrificing myself for them.  At this point, what I'm doing is not working and only getting worse.  A change has to be made if there is any hope of surviving this relationship.  At this point, I do want to still see him and date him but until he gets his mess cleaned up.... and we can sit down like adults and say "Ok this is what assets I want to bring to the relationship" and vice versa, this is a no win situation.  I have my needs and he has his excuses.  

Rags's picture

I do lock on to actions and structure as my go to problem resolution tactics.  Don't get me wrong. I feel. Feels are the spice of life. I just do not have the personal emotional bandwidth to invest emotion in people who are not worh it and/or do not earn ith with their actions.

Take care of  yourself.

Thumper's picture

Focus on YOU and your daughter by moving back to your own place. She really deserves your full attention. Not to mention she has gone through her own mental health problems.

 OR allow your daughter to live with her dad while you have visitation. Assuming he is not in jail or deceased. Your daughter needs a break from all this. 

Date your boyfriend during his free time. Which will likely be limited now.

Sometimes life has a way of showing us the direction we should go. It is showing you right now,  but you're are fighting it. JMO

Good Luck


klthornton72's picture

My daughter is 22 now and very independent.  She likes having the house to herself but she does miss having me around.  We were very close and still are.  I miss her and her vibrant spirit she has these days.  It's filled with positivity! And a sense of peace just fills me when I go back to my house. 

I am definetly fighting it and only because i have genuine love for him and he does do great things but until he gets his situation taken care of - he is not fully present in our relationship.  I've always been a fighter and not one to give up very easily- maybe that's why I'm fighting it now.  

CajunMom's picture

Tough spot but I'm pretty sure you know what you need to do. As everyone said, move home, spend time with your daugthter and date the SO. Something tells me part of his "mission" in getting his daughter is that you are there and can help. Don't fall for that, if it's indeed what he planned. He needs to get his relationship straight with his kid and HE needs to be her primary care giver. Nothing good will come of you getting involved at this point. He's got a big mess on his hands and since he made it, he needs to clean it up. I'm appalled that he hasn't set up counseling yet.  (think I read that in one of your comments).

It's also good to have some distance while he begins this will be much easier for you to SEE what is going on vs being caught up in the crazy mess. Best to you.

klthornton72's picture

yes agree, it's easier to see whats going on rather than be caught up in it. 

He keeps stating he is setting up counseling - it was court ordered as part of the change of custody.  He hasn't yet, he is waiting for a call back.  He should of had this set up before she got here.  Again excuse.  

I'm reaching the realization that what the hell am I waiting for- moving back to my house.  I mean I'm the prize here... he should be pursuing ME not me coddle and chasing him! I was making $33,000 when I got divorced 8 years ago and worked my tail off in my career and self.  I now make 6 figures, built a brand new home, and have everything going for me! But here I am trying to help someone who won't meet me halfway! SMH. just talking out loud. 

LittleCloud9's picture

Reading this over, I believe that more than anything else the timing on your relationship is just bad unfortunately. He might be a great guy or not. But anyone actively going through a divorce, especially with children, is in a hard place emotionally. This is not his best self you are seeing. It's terriblely difficult to grow and nurture a new relationship in a healthy way while you're killing an old one at the same time. It's like spraying RoundUp while planting seedlings. There's going to be cross contamination emotionally speaking. 

Same with his daughters, whatever type of people they might be this is likely one of the low spots of their life and they are not in a place where they can accept you or your daughter no matter how awesome you guys are. Due to the rocky start things may not get better even when they make it to a more positive emotional place. Some very resilient people might be able to do this but most would be too hurt and upset to handle it. Ultimately, his personal problems ARE the center of his life- there's no way around that unfortunately. They demand his energy and attention at this point. Even after the divorce is final it will take some time for things to settle emotionally. There's simply not a lot of room for you in that picture sadly. You can stick around and wait, hoping things will eventually turn out but it will be a long wait with no promises. Or you can find someone else who is ready now for the life you want to build. Depends on how much of yourself you want to risk and invest. He can't give you what he doesn't have and right now he doesn't have the energy and emotional capital to spend on your relationship it seems. 

klthornton72's picture

I would agree with you Littlecloud9, I've been doing some major soul searching and trying to put wants and needs first.  Unfortunately there is no crystal ball that can tell us where we may end up if so, I'd be more inclined to wait and work through it.  The drama just continues to unfold and it is becoming increasingly harder and harder for me to continue to set aside my life and be thrust into this turmoil.  I'm drowning in trying to be there for him and help him through this and feeling that I will never get what I want.

He has told me several times that if it wasn't for me that he would of given up and didn't really want to keep going in life.  Not that he would do anything but just ready to give up on it all.  That's alot of pressure to put on one person because now I feel pressure to stay in this storm not even knowing when or if it will end.  

As for me, I am feeling lost and not ever sure what direction I am going.  I continue to stay at my house 2 or 3 nights a week and trying to just focus on me and my life but feeling extremely hurt that MY life is just that, MY life.  I'm taking care of all of my responsibilities while trying to hold him afloat on his.  I'm tired and just drained - I want an equal relationship that is built on a sold foundation of giving and receiving.  

I do understand that he doesn't have the energy to invest in a new relationship while trying to manage the one he already has.  Which doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon.