I NEED ADVICE/HELP TEENAGE STEPSON RUINING MARRIAGE
Hello everyone, I really need some Ideas or help. First a back story to get a clear picture. I have been with my husband 9 yrs and married to him for 3 of those yrs. My husband didnt have custody of his children when we met and I was there for the whole custody battle. Met his kids at a pretty young age, 5, 6, and 8. We saw them every other weekend. All was goo husband was attentive to all his kids when his ex let him see them on his weekends. Ex is manipulative druggie and alcoholic, always playing the victim card to get what she wants and sympathy. One weekend she didnt let the kids see their dad and from then on their was always an excuse. And it was 4 yrs till we were able to see the kids again.
It finally broke down to the state taking the kids finding us and another year of court and visitation and husband got full custody and they have lived with us now for 3 yrs.
It was great at first. And then they all showed the effects of living with the bio mom. Now the one in particular that for the last yr that's giving problems is really going at it. Not going to lie he has gotten me to yell at him and lose my crap.
Ss doesnt like the word no but then again what kid does right?? But then I found out that hes been lying and manipulating his dad my husband against me. My husband and I have never fought we disagree sure. But have always been able to talk communicate and work it out and get past it. But this kid goes to extremes and literally plots it out and goes to dad. Example is just the other day. He goes out with his dad and dad asks him hows everything at home since hes been at work and at night only when dad gets home SS is in his room with headphones on and on his phone that isnt turned on just connected to wifi. So SS lies to dad and tells him I have been blowing up in the house all the time and that hes been hiding out in the room to hide from me. Now my 18yr old daughter and 2 other stepsons have seen and know hes lied since SS has been in living room with all of us minus dad watching movies and playing video games having a grand old time. And even told his dad I'm a jerk all day long. Now remember I said he doesnt like being told no? Well a week before this I had to tell him to stop fighting with his brother. He walked away giving a evil grin and walked to his room and said I'm just gonna let dad handle you. I didnt see nor hear this but his older brother my other SS heard and saw it. A day after that I had him and the same other SS in the garage talking to them for doing the same thing over again and this time I saw the evil grin as if he were saying I got you B@#$%. And here we are.
Older SS and I have gone to his dad for the past year telling him what his kid is doing. And he doesnt want to believe it!!! Why because he got the best grades in the house. This kid can do NO WRONG in his fathers eyes. Hes a good kid gets good grades my husband says. We have all told my husband that that SS is totally different when hes not home. That he pushes my buttons and and tries to mentally go after me and when I dont lose my temper or take his phone he gets angry. Nothing makes this kid happy except getting his way all the time. And with me I'm still the jerk no matter what.
My eldest stepson even recorded him in a conversation to prove to his dad that he is getting played for the fool. And his sweet loving Middle son is lying to him. In the recording hes asked "how is she being a jerk what is she doing" SS says I dont know she just is and is blowing up. And when asked when he says I'm not talking to you. And when SS found out that his older brother already went to dad about this again he said I'm done talking about this.
And dad is angry that his eldest son is sticking up for me and has my side and see this and not his brothers or his dads. Oh theres alot more with this kidd but those are just a few examples. And i think i typed enough. I just need to know how to not have my marriage end because of this kid. As dad and I arent on the greatest of terms right now bc of how o supposedly treat this as. Mind you I work from home and make really good money so it's not like I can really go anywhere and he says he has no friends to goto and he has a gf that he hardly see. But talks to on his phone all the time
Nothing you can do
If your DH is putting his kids before you, you have a major problem. Maybe marriage Counseling could help working this out ! Other then that disengage from the kids, get a job to get out of the house and get your own money, let your DH set up child care for his kids when you work.
Do nothing for these kids, make DH do the cooking and cleaning up of the house. No taking them anywhere, No buying them anything No money. Let DH handle that.
I do have my own money I do
I do have my own money I do work work from home and that doesnt go into our joint account. I own my own buisness. I hire people for truck driving jobs. I also dispatch drivers.
This is a huge issue- I'd
This is a huge issue- I'd demand marriage counseling. There is zero reason why he should side with his son when literally everyone in the house is telling him the truth of what's going on.
In the meanwhile, stop any kind of parenting of this kid immediately. Let DH handle all of it.
You could always try nanny
You could always try nanny cams to prove your right, but if you have to resort to proof your marriage has big problems.
The root of the problem is DH
The root of the problem is DH, nothing is going to change as long as he’s on SS’s “side”
If your DuH is dissatisfied
If your DuH is dissatisfied with the level of service you're providing as chief nanny and lion tamer, call his bluff. Tell him if you are indeed a toxic danger to just one of his kids, then he should protect that child by keeping him near and take him to work with him. Or, rent a work space, stop working from home, and tell your weak daddee that he'll have to find child care for the two youngest skids.
Inconvenience the father with direct exposure to the problem with his child and remove the various skid-related supports you contribute to the partnership. Men just want to be comfortable, and funny how irritated they can get with their kids when they actually have to deal with them. The key is, don't be catty or blow up and appear to be escalating. No, no, you're doing this because you care about SS; you want him to be happy, and you don't want your DuH to be worried and stressed so you're defusing the situation by reducing your presence. Be strategic, and take care to present yourself in a sympathetic light because right now you, SS, and your DuH are caught up in a Drama Triangle where SS is the victim, you are the persecutor, and DuH is the rescuer. Read up on Karpman's Drama Triangle. If you can flip that script and take away SS's victim status (can't believe I'm agreeing with CG, but you need to keep the older skid out of this), things may turn around.
I also agree that marriage counseling is called for, because your DuH is not recognizing that your marriage is supposed to take priority over his responsibility to his kids. Further, he's doing everyone a disservice by allowing one kid to disrupt and divide the home, and being a cake eater by expecting you raise his kids without demanding they all respect you as an adult in the home.
Lastly, I'm curious about the financial part of your marriage. Does BM pay c.s.? How do you divide expenses when your DuH has all the dependents, and you only have yourself? You state that you make a good salary, but I hope you're not paying more than your fair share. Overfunctioning for a spouse is a common problem on the site, and it often leads to the sort of disrespect you're experiencing. Your marriage may be out of balance, and a therapist can help you with that.
Actually I do pay for most.
Actually I do pay for most. His checks go for smaller Bill's. BM haha no we have been fighting her to pay it. Finally after 2 and a half years they finally went to garnish her wages. That was a month ago. Still waiting on it tho. I have already taken myself out of equation. For months now. We have an office built in garage. That's where I am all day. Nobody bothers me in there. This is why I'm like shocked in a way hes still doing this. Yes I'm home but I also have the call logs everyday dialed from my office phone. I mean hundreds of calls with what i do. I cant be doing anything to the kid and work that much. I dispatch truck drivers and recruit drivers. My calls sometimes last into the way evening. All 3 SS have had issues the youngest ones are the worst. But he has done really good for a long while. Dad even intervenes when the oldest and the SS this post is about. Theyll be play fighting and the SS will call out for dad or say something to get his dads attention and the oldest will get in trouble. About demanding respect he has from those kids. But this one even said straight to his dad in front of me I have no respect for her I dont look at her as a parent. Dad talked to him and everything seemed to get better and then all of a sudden he does this. Like what???
Girl, remember that scene
Girl, remember that scene near the end of The Wizard of Oz, when the Good Witch tells Dorothy she's had the power all along? Well, I'm telling you the same thing. Your marriage is waaaay out of balance. You're doing too much, paying too much, and getting shat on for it. So if you want things to change, you have to start with changing yourself. Take your power back.
You really, really need to stop making things so easy for your H. If you want to be treated as the queen of your home and respected as an adult, stop being such a sure thing and show him that you have limits and boundaries. Why are you paying to support other people's kids? That's not your responsibility, and it's not your fault he chose to breed with a dirtbag. Separate finances, and only pay your fair share (one fifth of expenses). Stop cooking, cleaning, buying groceries (teen boys can EAT!) and let your H learn that your support is conditional.
Thank you!
For your WOW. Words of wisdom.
Now that I am making equal money, DH and I halve the bills. He has 50/50, but Im paying 1/2 munchkin sd13's phone bill, plus buy a bunch of food that she eats (because I know what she likes), and now I have a large kiddo and a small bank account. ANd DH and I are starting to argue about money.
Oh, If only I had read here more, gotten a pre-nup, and budgeted better!
OP - listen to her Wow's, this can really be a game changer for you. I too had a super-manipulative Skid that I had to live with. I wish I had had the $$$ for nanny cams. You can try recording, but at this point its on your DH.
Smy SD now 20 would call me names and make up lies to tell BM, then when anyone asked, it was actualy HER, but were there any repercussions? No! She played people against each other all the time. In fact, when munchkin SD now 13 was much younger, she got joy making her cry, telling her "Clove comes first, shes going to make dadee kick you out when you turn 18!" which would make her cry.
Munchkin SD 13 by the way considers me a second mom, and sais "I love you" every now and then.