How to support my significant other???
So once I finally got the exwife issues under control, she no longer is butting into our business. I am now trying to figure out how to assist or be there for my boyfriend, his 12 year old daughter has recently been acting out. About a month ago she had an issue with a boy at school who grabbed her butt, she reported him and since then this has started a chain of events that I only see snowballing at this point. Her telling on this boy in her class, led to her being bullied by him and his friends which has made school a tough place for her. On two occassions she has said she wishes she was dead, while in school which led to two psych assessments in the ED. She has since started therapy but has ongoing issues with school. This is all new behavior for her from my understanding but I have only been in her life for about a year. When she is with my boyfriend and I, she is funny, clever, whitty and appears to have a lot of friends and social outlets. But when she is with BM it is constant drama, endless calls and text to my boyfriend who at this point has told his ex she needs to handle shit, but she isn't handling shit well. I don't think she is a "problem kid" I think she is acting out for any number of reasons.
My boyfriend has done the primary role of parenting until he was divorced and for appearences only his ex wanted to be the primary parent (4 days vs. 3 days per week) but they live in the same town so schedules sometime change due to needs. I have been telling my boyfriend that the best thing may be for him to be the primary parent, which he would be more than happy to do but the ex doesn't want to do that because it would "look bad". They had no formal custody when they divorced because they live in the same town and assumed they could handle this. Yesterday his daughter was suspended from school, where BM asked if he would get her, becasue when it comes to addressing these behaviors she isn't doing it. At her mom's house there are no consequences for her behavior, so her acting out is happening more and more.
I don't know how to support my boyfriend, he aqppriciates any suggestions from me (I was a child whose parents both married three times by the time I was 14, I get what she is dealing with a bit more than him) A lot of this to me is her acting out because she doesn't know how to rationalize her thoughts, she is 12 after all and has had a lot of life changes in the last couple years. But I am nervous these actions will keep happening because dads hands are tied with what happens to her when she is at her moms house.
I don't have anyone to talk to on how to deal with this. I plan on being with my boyfriend forever, we are talking about marriage, he is a strong, smart, kind man who loves his kids but right now BM is giving him a run for his money and I am not sure how to be supportative and keep my sanity at the same time.
The town police department
The town police department wanted his daughter to make a formal recorded statement about the boy, which of course she was not comfortable with, because she is 12. The school made the boy take a different means to school, he is no longer on her school bus, which may have led to more bullying.
They have been looking at other schools, the district has school choice but I don't believe the discussion of virtual school came up, which is something I will dig deeper into.
I second the virtual school
I second the virtual school thing- I took my kid out of school for a couple years due to bullying, and he went to an online school through our township's public school district that had all the same credits/curriculum. When middle school was over, he went back to a regular public school. She can still be socialized and have fun with other kids through things like youth groups at a place of worship, stuff like dance, sports, art classes...many other things can be done. I know that's really up to DH and BM, but you could present the idea.
I feel horrible for your SD, glad you are trying to help.
I believe her dad is able to
I believe her dad is able to speak with her, I have been pushing him to have these conversations with her more especially when her BM is not around. BM goes from 0-100 on anxiety and rage which of course makes his daughter go up to 100 on anxiety. The good part is my boyfriend is am extremly empathetic, listening, caring man (the reason I am with him) I think sometimes he sees who his daughter was more than who she is right in front of him right now. She apparently likes her therapist, I am not sure what she is telling her but I am hopeful that she is talking about what is bothering her. I have been telling him this is all a "cry for help" she needs the tools to deal with all the changes and other issues going on in her daily life.
I agree, I try to stay neutral in her life, I am not at a point where she will come to me with these issues. So I sort of work from the back, talking to my boyfriend about options for being helpful to his daughters needs
My heart goes out to the girl
My heart goes out to the girl. That is a tough age for kids. They have the hormones raging at different levels. The old social constructs will split and reform sometimes leaving kids out. Bullying is by no means abnormal but it's tough. I came into a private school at that age and believe me.. especially in an all girls environment.. the cliques can be very exclusive and as the new, not so cool and not rich kid in the class, your social standing is pretty low. I was miserable. Lo and behold I moved to germany at 14 and became a popular kid who was part of maybe not the most exclusive cool kid club.. but definitely in the larger "in circle"... It wasn't me that changed.. but my environment..
I would definitely see if a school change is an option. Virtual school is also an option, but that may require someone to be home with her during the day and that may not be as feasible.
I know it sucks.. but she probably also needs to learn how to not be reactive to people like the bully. they get off on getting a rise out of you. If you no longer participate.. sometimes they move on. Likely the kid has some under the radar feelings for her.. but preteen bravado and idiocy has turned it into something completely different. It's sad parents can no longer go have a conversation with the other parents about stuff like this. I think those conversations were probably more effective.. but these days.. I don't think they would be well received.
I had a lot of challenges
I had a lot of challenges when I was her age too and I can empathize with her a great deal. She is not my child so I feel limited in how I can assist. I may even be part of her issue (outside of school) she and I have a great time together, I honestly like her as a person but I am dad's girlfriend and just by association that may be an issue.
I think you might be able to
I think you might be able to help in relaying some of your own struggles and showing that you empathize with her situation. Like.. Look, I know you have your mom and dad but if you ever want to get another opinion or want some ideas on how to deal with things.. let me know. Believe me, I went through a lot of the same things when I was your age. I know it seems like the end of the world sometimes, but please believe me.. you will get through it and things will get better. You won't be in middle school forever.