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How close is too close

Squishees's picture

I am with my boyfriend for four years. The first theee were long distance. Him in Indiana me in NY. We live together now with his 16 year old son. We relocated to Borth Carolina. His daughter is still in Indiana attending college. She lives on her own while working and going to school. She gets a scholarship for free college so she has to stay in Indiana. She can't wait to be done and move here to be with us.  I love her and her brother. I do not have kids of my own and pretty much lived on my own terms forever.

my issue is, his daughter has no social life. She always relies on her dad, her best friend, to entertain her. Obviously when she comes to visit I expect to spend non stop time with her and all of us as a family. 
but I'm afraid she will move here and love in with us and tha will be the end of my boyfriend (soon to be hisband) and i. she has no life of her own. And my bf tells me that it's not weird that she is so close to him. Umm yea it so weird. She's going to be 20. She should be hanging out with friends and not relying on her dad for all emotional and social support.

i absolutely positively do not want to live with her. I know I will be miserable everyday. I also know that this wouldn't be happening for a few years so I really shouldn't even be worrying about it. But I cannot stop thinking about it. If she hears us arguing she butts in and I honestly feel like I'm hanged up on. I don't bring this up to him because it would just be a fight. But it's consuming me. I'm so afraid and I absolutely do not want to be miserable. She shouldn't be relying on her dad for this much emotional and social aipport

they should be close but not best friends. She is 20!!!!

im afraid him and I will not have a life together and I just don't know if I can do this and I'm scared of what the future looks like. I love him but I'm really afraid. I want her close but NOT living with us. I want her close but NOT spending every damn weekend with us.

 

why can't she just have a life!!! I know this post is all over the place. But that's where my head is lol

 

thanks for listening. I hope to make friends in this group. I'm new to my area and I don't have any yet. 

 

 

 

 

tog redux's picture

Don't get married until you've discussed this issue with him.  It's a reasonable request to not have adult kids live with you, or to have a very clear time limit and expectations if they do. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

cannot discuss with him , that should be an indicator that your relationship is not an open and honest relationship.

Do you honestly want to be married to a man with whom there are limits on the things that you can discuss?

What other parameters and limitations are likely to evolve over time?

Life is too short to spend time trying to expand relationships that you know or anticipate them becoming problem laden.

If your instincts and experiences are signaling  that this is not a situation in which you want to live, what is the justification for moving forward with this relationship? You are choosing to move into what you know will be an unhappy arrangement for you.

Forewarned is forearmed.

 

hereiam's picture

She can't wait to be done and move here to be with us...She always relies on her dad, her best friend, to entertain her....And my bf tells me that it's not weird that she is so close to him.

Big red flags.

I also know that this wouldn't be happening for a few years so I really shouldn't even be worrying about it

You absolutely should be worrying about it and discussing it with your BF ahead of time so everybody knows what everybody elses expectations are.

If she hears us arguing she butts in and I honestly feel like I'm hanged up on.

Sounds like you might have a mini-wife on your hands (and I don't use that term often or lightly), which your BF created, so you definitely need to speak to him about this. You were long distance for 3 years, so you really have no idea how deep this goes. But, your gut is telling you something and you need to have the conversation with him. You already know that you don't want her to live with you but I guarantee that is what she and her dad have planned.

It could be a relationship killer.

 

Harry's picture

To a man where you do not come first. It's not going to bet better.  If you want to be controlled, Have kids come first,  not be respected.   Then this the man for you.   If not. You know the answer

Evil3's picture

Do a search on here for mini-wife syndrome. I have a mini-wife on steroids and she is 30 years old. Mini-wives do not get BFs when their peers do. They have problematic relationships if any at all. My SD used to rush home from school throughout her childhood to cling to Daddeeeeee. I have C-PTSD from coming a distant second to a mini-wife. I could go on and on and on with examples of things my mini-wife used to do to keep herself enmeshed with Dadddeeeee. My DH was equally obsessed with SD. It was disgusting!

The mini-wife dynamic is pathalogical. My SD30 didn't get her first BF until she was 24 and she barely worked until she was 25. She would still call DH for tuck-in rituals when she was 23. She didn't launch until she was 25. She moved straight from our house to her mommy's house and then in with her BF. That relationship didn't last and they could barely make it through the year lease because the BF broke up with SD mainly over her obsession with her dad. They'd have skype open 24/7 to always be in contact. My SD even works for the same orginization that DH and I do and I swear to God it's just so she can be on our communication system to chat with DH 24/7. She's extremely needy. She's currently on a trip to Mexico with her current BF and still constantly texting Dadddeeeeee. Her BF is already pissed off and they've only been together for three months.

This is what you're in for. I had to really fight to get my SD out of my house and kept out. She'd keep trying to move back in. If it were up to my DH, he'd live with his kids, especially his mini-wife forever. I highly recommend that you dump and run. It's nothing less than soul-destroying. Be careful of the gaslighting your SO might do to get you doubting yourself.

Rags's picture

Any parent who is their child's BFF is a failed parent.  Do you really want to make a life with this guy.... all things considered?