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How close is too close

Squishees's picture

I am with my boyfriend for four years. The first theee were long distance. Him in Indiana me in NY. We live together now with his 16 year old son. We relocated to Borth Carolina. His daughter is still in Indiana attending college. She lives on her own while working and going to school. She gets a scholarship for free college so she has to stay in Indiana. She can't wait to be done and move here to be with us.  I love her and her brother. I do not have kids of my own and pretty much lived on my own terms forever.

my issue is, his daughter has no social life. She always relies on her dad, her best friend, to entertain her. Obviously when she comes to visit I expect to spend non stop time with her and all of us as a family. 
but I'm afraid she will move here and love in with us and tha will be the end of my boyfriend (soon to be hisband) and i. she has no life of her own. And my bf tells me that it's not weird that she is so close to him. Umm yea it so weird. She's going to be 20. She should be hanging out with friends and not relying on her dad for all emotional and social support.

i absolutely positively do not want to live with her. I know I will be miserable everyday. I also know that this wouldn't be happening for a few years so I really shouldn't even be worrying about it. But I cannot stop thinking about it. If she hears us arguing she butts in and I honestly feel like I'm hanged up on. I don't bring this up to him because it would just be a fight. But it's consuming me. I'm so afraid and I absolutely do not want to be miserable. She shouldn't be relying on her dad for this much emotional and social aipport

they should be close but not best friends. She is 20!!!!

im afraid him and I will not have a life together and I just don't know if I can do this and I'm scared of what the future looks like. I love him but I'm really afraid. I want her close but NOT living with us. I want her close but NOT spending every damn weekend with us.

 

why can't she just have a life!!! I know this post is all over the place. But that's where my head is lol

 

thanks for listening. I hope to make friends in this group. I'm new to my area and I don't have any yet. 

 

 

 

 

tog redux's picture

Don't get married until you've discussed this issue with him.  It's a reasonable request to not have adult kids live with you, or to have a very clear time limit and expectations if they do. 

hereiam's picture

She can't wait to be done and move here to be with us...She always relies on her dad, her best friend, to entertain her....And my bf tells me that it's not weird that she is so close to him.

Big red flags.

I also know that this wouldn't be happening for a few years so I really shouldn't even be worrying about it

You absolutely should be worrying about it and discussing it with your BF ahead of time so everybody knows what everybody elses expectations are.

If she hears us arguing she butts in and I honestly feel like I'm hanged up on.

Sounds like you might have a mini-wife on your hands (and I don't use that term often or lightly), which your BF created, so you definitely need to speak to him about this. You were long distance for 3 years, so you really have no idea how deep this goes. But, your gut is telling you something and you need to have the conversation with him. You already know that you don't want her to live with you but I guarantee that is what she and her dad have planned.

It could be a relationship killer.

 

Harry's picture

To a man where you do not come first. It's not going to bet better.  If you want to be controlled, Have kids come first,  not be respected.   Then this the man for you.   If not. You know the answer

Rags's picture

Any parent who is their child's BFF is a failed parent.  Do you really want to make a life with this guy.... all things considered?