How Can I Preserve My Sanity Here?
Help!
I have a SS17 and two DS6 and 8. I have been married for almost 10 years and SS17's mother died when he was 5. Because his mother died, no one could do enough for him and both his grandparents have doted on him relentlessly and he spent a lot of time with them because my husband had a business to run. Even his father felt guilty and let him have his way all the time and he always got whatever he wanted. As a result he is a narcissist spoiled brat who throws almighty tantrums when he does't get his way. He is unnaturally attached to his maternal grandmother, she is like his mother. In the beginning he seemed like a nice kid and I thought we would develop a close relationship. I tried to put some discipline in his life and he hears 'no' for the first time ever. I treat him exactly the same way I treat my bio kids (I am probably stricter on my own kids because I don't want them to turn out the same way) but I can't love him the same way, that can't be helped.
Anyway the grandparents were against me from the start especially my husband's mother. When we visited she would all but ignore me and make snide comments when no one was around so it seemed like it was in my head. She would then fall over herself trying to please SS.
My husband is nice but soft IMO,not strict and he never did anything serious about the situation. When SS was 8 I told my husband, you need to sort him out now or he will be a nightmare when he's a teenager. Guess what.
To cut a long story short when he became a teenager his anger at me got out of control and he treated me so disrespectfully it was appalling. He gave me attitude, complained about me to everyone when he was in his room (the downside of kids having mobile phones and computers). He has lied to everyone including the school counsellor that I hurt him and didn't feed him and I was reported to child protection without even a chance to defend myself. He moved in with his grandparents for almost two years on the recommendation of a psychologist we were seeing because of the damage it was doing to our marriage and small children. It was the best two years of my marriage.
Then when we moved this year my husband insisted that he had changed and grown up and since it's his last year of high school thought he should move back in. He acted all nice because thing were going his way (everyone thinks he is a great kid but they don't see him when he doesn't get his way) I agreed in spite of everything and now we are back at square one again. He swears at me and abuses me and accuses me of treating him badly when I just ignore him because he is so rude to me. My husband won't punish him enough to make a difference, I think he's scared of his temper if he takes something away from him. He has split up the whole family, they have never seemed interested in the truth and don't spend any time with my children but they have my SS over to stay and do activities all the time. Yesterday he told me again that he doesn't have to respect me and what I do around the house (his cleaning cooking washing) isn't worth his respect because it's not paid and that I have to respect him. Because he has all his grandparents and aunts and the counsellors on his side he thinks he has the upper hand (it appears he does) and he can treat me however he likes. I have had to accept the fact that everyone hates me for something I haven't done. I hate living here, if I had somewhere to go I would leave but I have no friends or family nearby. I try to go out as much as I can when he is here. I don't work so I have no options plus two kids to look after. My husband has agreed that he has to move out when he is 18 but that's 11 months away. I don't think I can bear it until then.
I just want to be happy and have my home be my sanctuary but this colours my whole life. I feel so tense when he is around and I am upset and angry all the time and my husband and I are always arguing. He says there's nothing he can do about it. Ten years of crap is a lot of water under the bridge and I'm over it and there's no going back.
The upshot of all this is, what are my options here? Legally can I do anything about this situation? What are my legal responsibilities towards him? Are there places I can go or people who can help me in a practical way? Do I have to cook for him? Can I just leave the food there and make him cook it himself? I want to give him the money to buy his own food and cook it and show him how much work it is. Plus it won't be half as nice as what I make because he can't cook. What are my rights here? Am I obliged to do all his work for him? Do I have to be miserable in my own home until he is 18? Thanks, I am desperate.
I would suggest that you
I would suggest that you first of all to get legal advice, as to exactly what remedies and options you have right across the spectrum. This situation seems so abusive that you need to know the bottom line, even if you do not go there.
Then secondly you have to think long and hard about the effect on your little boys. Is it worth waiting 11 months to get rid of him given what they will go through in all that time. If you decide it is, then I would urge you to arrange some counseling for them once SS has flown the coop. this will have damaged them and their relationship with you.
Finally I would caution you to be realistic about that 11 months. There will be all sorts of possible reasons why SS will not leave at that point. You have to be aware of all the possibilities and of course take legal advice on those too.
I know this sounds a bit dramatic but my fear for you is that as this guy gets older, the abuse may escalate and get physical. That's how nasty it sounds to me, a stranger, reading your post. YOu may want to think about how likely or unlikely that situation is, and again, have advice at the ready.
What you must not do is sit and mull this over without the assistance of other adults. You are too isolated by the sound of it.
Thanks everyone *crying*. It
Thanks everyone *crying*. It feels so strange to have someone on my side who REALLY understands what its like. I just talked to my husband, he said that he won't let him use the car anymore (he just got his license) and he is behind me not cooking for him or doing his washing. But we've been through all this before and it won't make any difference to his attitude. He will probably go to the school counsellor again and complain. I said if he wants extra food he can go to the supermarket and buy it and give me the receipt and I will reimburse him. DH said but how will he get there? I said use his two legs (it's 10 mins walk). He said OK. He said he's leaving the phone cut off option as a last resort. Because he WILL go mental. Maybe then I will call the police but otherwise I don't think there is much they will do. I don't think he will get physical (he likes to be in the right and maintain his good guy image - he's a bit psychopathic in that way) and my kids are pretty well adjusted (we spend lots of time with them) so although I'm sure they feel the tension they are not acting out. I try to explain to them if something has gone down. Their life doesn't really involve him anyway as I refuse to do things all together any more.
I am isolated but I am used to it and I have been through a lot in my life. When he is 18 trust me he is out, and I will pack his bags and change the locks personally if I have to. I have spent 10 years looking after that kid for zero loyalty and I've done my time.
First of all, you are not
First of all, you are not alone. You are NOT crazy!
Sounds like your MIL has taken the role of what we on here have as a crazy BM, and your husband is the weak, Disney-type dad. Your MIL sounds like she has been very jealous of you from the start. With your DH's first wife out of the way, he needed her again and she got round 2 to be mommy to her grandson instead of just being the grandmother. Enter YOU, i.e., threat.
Your SS disrespects you because your husband has trained him to by not standing up to him and for you. You picked the short straw and married a man you perceived to be great, but as it turns out, the shitstorm that surrounds him he lets go on, and you have landed in the middle of their abnormal dysfunctional family. Your trying to make them normal has made them resentful. You are the sane one here!
Start searching on here for Disengage. There is a great link someone can probably find and post for you. No. You are not slave to your SS. He is more than old enough to fend for, cook for, clean up after himself. Let him tell lies about you, but now he is old enough for them to be true. Who cares if you don't cook for him…you shouldn't care at all the way you are being treated by the whole lot of them!
Finally, you have been broken down. Yes. You have rights in your own home! You just have to force your husband to give you the rights and that is easier said than done…more tears, for sure. Basically, being the best mom to your 2 bios is made so much more difficult when the vampire suckers are taking your energy and mental health. Hang in there. Focus on your littles and take strength from this site, also find a support system of people who you trust and can help you, and God should you believe.
Please run and rent the movie, "We Need to Talk About Kevin." and make your husband watch it with you.
OCOrange County knows the
OCOrange County knows the disengage link. Help.
Thank you all. I feel as
Thank you all. I feel as though I have some control back in my life.
By the way after I wrote this, he came upstairs to go out and asked DH for money. He said 'you're kidding aren't you?" to which SS replied "f--- you" and left. That's pretty bad even for him. Of course that will be my fault because anytime DH says no to him, I'm behind it according to SS.
((((HUGS)))) You really need
((((HUGS)))) You really need them!
If you EVER have a moment of fear of SS getting physical with you or your kids, call the police and request help. No matter what goes on in your marriage or with your MIL, you and your kids have the absolute right to physical safety. Do not wait until a line is crossed.
That being said, I think you should put on your Sherlock Holmes hat and investigate this situation. If you were to live as though SS didn't exist, what are the problems that would come up?
- physical mess eg litter in your living room, his room, bathroom, etc
- DH angry with you for not cooking/cleaning up after him
- SS's verbal and possible physical aggression
1. physical mess. Because your kids are still young and probably play at home a lot, I'd 'clean' up after SS in the play areas by picking up his crap just long enough to dump it on his bed. Every time. No putting stuff up or cleaning up after him. If you have to resort to hiding a set of dishes for you and your kids under your bed, do it. This is a problem for DH to handle with SS. You don't need to be in the middle and you certainly don't need to be the maid/slave/scapegoat.
2. DH possibly angry with you for not just doing whatever for SS. This will be very difficult. Either you allow SS to treat you badly, or DH will (if he gets mad). Obviously they are both completely wrong in this. And because you love DH, it seems easier to keep that relationship happy and let the one with SS be crappy. But of course it's not about other people treating you well, it's about YOU treating you well. If you struggle with that (lots of people do), then try to think of it this way: while you are working on building up your self-esteem, you will not allow yourself to be exploited or taken advantage of. And by exploitation I mean you doing all the housework, being treated badly, not being respected or appreciated, and if you refuse those working conditions, to be treated badly by more people including your husband.
3. SS's verbal aggression - for this one, I'd just blank him. Ignore him absolutely, as though he's not even there. There is no need for him to interact with you. It might feel impossible to ignore someone, so you can look at him. Just don't make eye contact. My favourite is to have no expression on your face while you stare at the other person's 'third eye'. Don't interact. Don't initiate a conversation, don't complain about him, nothing. And if he gets physical - blocking your way, invading your space, throwing things, call the police, stat.
Yes I have today decided I
Yes I have today decided I will live as though SS does not exist, and I feel so much better. It's not a nice thing to do but neither is what he has done. If that is what it takes to feel half ok about living in my own home for the next 11 months that is what I will do.
I will not speak to him or acknowledge him. If I need to convey something I will do it through my husband.
DH is ok with me not cooking for SS - mainly because yesterday after an argument (SS calls it 'picking a fight' with him) I was so upset at the things he said, I went out for the afternoon and I texted my DH that in future I would be in my room when at home or out and would not be able to cook or clean for him if that was the case (only my kids, after which I would go back to my room). This freaked DH out somewhat as he can barely make toast. So not cooking for SS only after that seemed not too bad. Also DH is so sick of me being miserable and angry that he would agree to almost anything to make things better.
I took all of SS's dirty undies out of the basket and put it on the floor in his room for him to find when he comes home later. After this happens a few times he will get the message. I will then tell DH to tell him that he can wash his own clothes at approved times.
I will not engage in conversations of any kind with him. Any cakes or muffins or biscuits I make will be off limits to him or hidden. He can cook from the ingredients in the fridge if they are not for any specific purpose (eg. eggs or bread) but otherwise he will need to shop and cook for himself when I have finished with the kitchen.
Apologies will not be accepted as they are made lightly and only for the purpose of regaining privileges not because of any real remorse, whereupon the behaviour starts again. I can't tell you how many times this has been the case. I lost count about 7 years ago.
Hopefully he will find this situation so unbearable he will be begging to move back to his grandparents (they live far away and in an unfashionable suburb so he doesn't really want to live with them).
^^this^^^ let him get a job
^^this^^^ let him get a job at a fast food restaurant. He can earn money for food and even eat his meals there. }:)
Hugs to you honey, you have
Hugs to you honey, you have found the right place
Not a lot to add, as everyone has given you sound advice already. Read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. Underline or page note bits for your husband to read as well.
Talk to him, and try and keep his support.
And disengage - I will add - and this is a bit naughty but the ignoring game can be fun
}:)
I've taken the TV remote right out of SD13's hand without even acknowledging her presence in the room, changed the channel and just carried on. SO funny
Hi...
I was reading your post and thinking it's the story of my life right now..
My SS is 3 months away from turning 18 and the last 2 years have been an absolute nightmare.
I'm trying to hold on to my sanity but it feels like an useless effort.
How did you manage to solve your situation?