HELP
Hi, I am new in this forum. I am 40 years old, married for 7 years, have one step son 14, one step daughetr 11, and one bio son 5. SInce we got married my wife has always kept me from disciplining her kids, which in a way it was a good way for the kids and I to have a good relationship, but in the past years we have been having a lot of problems since my 14 year old SS has been having some behaviour problems. These problems in the last year have caused problems with his dad, who at some point vandalized our house, he has used my wife credit card (on my credit) to spend over 3,000 USD without permission, and every day will want ot do whatever he pleases and will not follow any rules and will specially behave in manners that he knows upset me. ANy missbehavior has had no consecuences for him as my wife has always said he is a kid, and on the other hand her ex husband would always convince her not to take any disciplinary action.
Early this year after a big problem (second time he had used her credit card without permission) I talked to my wife and we decided he had to leave our house and moved in with his father for a few months, but after a few months my wife decided he was not being taken care of and decided to return him to our home. One week after moving back in he completely got to my nerves, which led to big problems between my wife and I. Since then my wife has been hiding things from me, trying to keep me from finding out what his son has done, she is always jumpy, whenever I ask a question she gets upset with me; also, since then she is always mad with her son because she knows that his behavior is not proper. This situation has created huge tension in our house, any activities taht we do together are just awful and everyone has a bad time, my SD and Bio Son are also feeling the consecuences of having her mom always screaming at their brother and at them, and of me just disengaging from the family. My wife now feels completely torn apart and I can't help her.
I am pretty much inclined to separating. Yesteray I had a talk with my wife and told her I would not have anyone at our house disrespecting our rules, that from now on I will take action if her son disrespects her, me, our kids, or our house. I am certain this will lead to a huge conflict but from my perspective it is the only thing I can think about to avoid separating.
HELP please
Have you reached out to
Have you reached out to Biodad for his take on resolutions? I find it odd that your wife just sends him away and snatches him back at her whims....
BioDad vandalised their home
BioDad vandalised their home (unless I read wrong?)... if that is the case, I don't think reaching out to him is a good idea.
I thought that was SS but
I thought that was SS but after re-reading, maybe it was BD?
Welcome,
Welcome,
I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice and perspectives from others who are living the blended family dream.
As equity life partners you and your bride are also equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology. If your DW does not like how you parent and discipline she can step up and get it done before you have to. And the same applies to you..
"Yesteray I had a talk with my wife and told her I would not have anyone at our house disrespecting our rules, that from now on I will take action if her son disrespects her, me, our kids, or our house."
This is exactly the way to deal with this IMHO. Set the reasonable standards of behvior for children in your home and enforce those standards. As for the SS stealing credit cards and charging without permission. Call the police and charge him with theft. Take this out of the hands of your bride and get the law involved. 14yo is long past old enough to understand right from wrong so bring the pain down on him to the fullest extent of the law. The same applies for vandalism on your home.
Marital Counselling, right
Marital Counselling, right away.
It's my personal belief that there comes a time when boys need the kind of discipline that only a man can provide. This skid is committing crimes against other members of the household and does not respect his mother, so clearly her way Isn't working. You and your wife need to get on the same page, and counselling can help with that.
I think it was a bad idea to
I think it was a bad idea to send him to live with bio dad in the first place. I seriously don’t like when people do that.... you were bad go live with your other parent. First it isn’t much of a consequence, second I think if really messes with their head.
if I were you I would start discipline. I don’t really see what is wrong with that?! My DH disciplines my daughter (or supports me when I do)... and I have zero problem with it. It doesn’t mean to beat the kid.... but there is no problem taking phones away, lecturing, or grounding. My DH actually has this way of disciplining her where he will joke around and it actually works. So if she is being moody he will be like “Good morning moody Judy”, or if her room is a mess he will be say in the character from Home Alone’s Voice “Why don’t you march your butt upstairs and clean your room you FiLTHY ANIMAL”.
She would never dare use one of our credit cards.... but if she did she would be working it off in household chores.... like cleaning toilets.
Does Mom not discipline at all or is if she just doesn’t like your style? All kids need some form of discipline.