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First day back to school after vacation and already got a phone call

JacksGal's picture

Aside from SD13's table manner problems, we have problems with SS13's hygiene. Well, both of them can be bad, but SS13 is the worse of the two.

BM had a meeting in early December at the school which she conveniently forgot to tell BF about so he wasn't there. At it was yet another discussion about SS13 being dirty, dirty clothes, smelling, bad breath, etc.

BF finds this out afterward so he called himself to find out why he wasn't notified of the meeting. He set up another meeting with just he and I and the school.

Well, kind of glad we did this because we found out that they're well aware of BM's problems and know that she's not doing what she should be. They asked her to send deodorant in for SS to use but in the three weeks since she'd been there, she hadn't gotten around to it yet. We promised to bring in a bag of hygiene items when school resumed as our meeting was on the last day of school before break. They also told us that BM's boyfriend was going to be confiscating his clothes each night when he went to bed so they wouldn't be reworn. I told them he wasn't going to do it, it's just another in a long line of promises he makes but doesn't keep.

Over break, skids come to stay the weekend and SS13 forgets to pick up his clothes from the bathroom/laundry room and leaves without them. It's our second bathroom that has the washer/dryer on the lower floor of the house. We had just done laundry on Saturday so I didn't see it until Monday night. They were all dirty and the lower pant legs were caked with dirt! I called BF in to look and he was disgusted too. He decides he's going to wash them and gets them ready by emptying the pockets. Several pieces of folded up paper were in there. I stopped him and unfolded the papers. Each one was a pass of some sort for school. Guidance, nurse, etc. The earliest one was from three weeks earlier! None of these papers had been washed and dried in the pants. This means he did not wash those pants for at LEAST three weeks... and those dates are after BM and her boyfriend promised to make sure he was better. (note, we still have the clothes, we didn't drop them off yet.)

Fast forward to today. BF has to be at work early and with the traffic jams from the snow he doesn't have time to drop off the hygiene bag at the school. We bought about everything you can think of and loaded that thing up for them. He gets notified around lunchtime that SS13, on the first day back after break, is wearing dirty clothes, isn't showered, smells and has dandruff all over his head. (I guess BM never got around to buying dandruff shampoo yet either) Of note, they said the pants were especially dirty. These are different pants from the ones we found caked with dirt as we washed those and still have them.

I wasn't at work today so I ran up with the hygiene bag and spoke with the counselor. I told her about the clothes we found, the papers and the fact that my BF just had a conversation with BM three days ago about the clothes not being washed! They're reluctant to call child welfare on BM, but they see him more than we do so they should be calling, not us. Don't they realize if we call and child welfare visits them, they're going to have to admit they knew about this and didn't report it? They are mandated reporters! We do have e-mails regarding it and it's in the reports so they can't deny it.

They told us SS13 has Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I wonder how much of it is SS being lazy and how much is him not doing it because he's been told he has to do it. Grrrr...this sucks!

Samantha73's picture

Oh wow I feel sorry for your ss and your bf and you.. and why won't the school report his situation to the right people.. The bm and bf need their butts kicked for sending him to school like that...I wonder if his home is the same way .....

bearcub25's picture

Thank you Foxie!!!

I have been researching ODD for 5 years now bc of SS14 and this is the best thing I have read so far. SS14 used to be defiant to try and get me to kick DSO out, therefore leading DSO and his kids to move back with their Mother (in BMs and SS' world that is the only thing an adult male would do). SS admitted this to me and said how BM still loved his Dad and blah blah blah.

He is in a RTC now, but so much more could have been done earlier if the BM had just cooperated more.

PokaDotty's picture

Playing a waiting game on who's responsibilty it is to call CPS isn't going to help the kid... You know, the school knows, DH knows... pick up the phone for the sake of a child. You have the proof from the school which will help validate the report.

omgsaveme's picture

Most boys will go without showers if you let em…..I am absolutely appalled, appalled at how neglectful this mother is. I would be MORTIFIED if the school called me and told me one of my kids had bad breath, let alone not taken a shower and wearing dirty clothes. Can the BM not afford to wash clothes ? It takes 4 quarters to wash and 4 to dry. I would throw those clothes away, not even wash them. I can only imagine what his underwear looks like, this is serious neglect. If she can't even make sure he's clean, then what else is she neglecting? Someone needs to call CPS and fast, can he start coming over to his dads house in the morning and dad can make sure he has clean clothes and hygiene is intact ?

Something has to be done, thats so sad

JacksGal's picture

She can afford it, she doesn't wash the clothes, she makes them be responsible for their own clothes and has since they were 10. She get plenty every month in CS. I mean a LOT, thousands. BF would gladly help, but SS and BM don't see a problem so they'll never go along with it. He is made to shower every day he's here, but lately he's been refusing to come because Dad "has too many rules."

I am mortified and they're not even mine. I told my adult daughter if the school ever told me she was dirty, I'd have been so embarrassed I'd had to move. But, BM fluffs it off and says all teenagers smell and there's nothing wrong.

JacksGal's picture

He's been in special ed for 3 years now, we met with the school psychologist and social worker a few weeks ago and it was brought up. I think he was diagnosed when he went into special ed 3 years ago as it was an entirely different school than the mainstream one, one especially for kids with special needs. BM likes to hide things like this so I have a feeling she knew, but never told BF.

BM refuses to have him tested for anything else though, he only went into special ed because she had no other choice by then. He'd been moved around schools, even home schooled for a year which she didn't do so he had to go back to public school, all to avoid him being labeled. He was so disruptive in class, she didn't have any choice but to have him tested and placed in special ed. I'm not sure who diagnosed him, but when BF said SS is so stubborn, he doesn't care what the consequences are for his actions, they told us about the ODD diagnosis. He's back in the main school in a special ed program. BF even checked with his lawyers to try to force her to have him tested more but the lawyer told him it wasn't going to be an easy battle and he'd probably be well into high school by the time it was resolved.

JacksGal's picture

Just an addition, Child Welfare has been called on her three times in the past. The last time, about 18 months ago, it was NOT a mandated reporter but I truly believe it was someone at the school because BF got a call about the issues stated in the report a week or so later. Child welfare didn't even bother to visit the school and check with them so they made the initial house visit, on a day the kids were actually clean, and closed the case. I don't know that we would make any headway with another non-mandated report especially if we can't be sure the kids are a mess that particular day. They live in a very affluent area, poor people in that school district make about 60k a year. I honestly think that because it's a big house in an affluent area, even if it's messy, they don't view it the same way as they do the people in the poor areas. BM blamed me last time and it caused some PAS issues with the kids. I'd personally prefer it to come from a mandated source so BM can't use it against us. She only dropped it being me that called it in when she told us what time the call came in and I happened to have a store receipt showing I was checking out at Costco at that time. That caused a lot of grief for BF and I really don't want to see him go through that again for a closed report with no action taken.