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stepmarch88's picture

hi, so it's so exhausting lately since SD13 decided that she is going to call the shots and decide when she is and isn't going to live at our house. also, DH admitted to looking over my shoulder and reading my entries here, which were referred to a bunch of toxic people spewing negative bs. i'm like ok buddy. that is another story, but anyway, SD is still obnoxious as ever when she comes here. I have been doing audio recordings and keeping documentation of every negative behavioral issue. she bit my son and picks at my toddler. even my therapist who does not know what living in a blended family is like is having trouble getting on board with my disengagement. i have taken all the advice here and being polite to SD regardless of how many rude, hurtful comments she makes. i figure if that's the worst i have to deal with from here on out, it's manageable. however, she tells me son that she doesn't like me as a person and that's why she can't live with us anymore. it's all for attention. DH went to one counseling session online together with SD while she was at her BM's house. so now he thinks he has it all figured out and he even has sympathy for the kid. 

i feel bitter.

i feel resentful.

i feel like this will never let up and it will define our household and lives for some indefinite, miserable amount of time.

i don't know what i hope to find on this site but it's been excellent support and people sharing their experiences so i'll just keep going with that. thank you for anything you have to offer. this is making me look at DH in a totally different light since he's had the nerve to say that i'm at fault for being rude to SD and pushing her away. i don't know what to do anymore except keep with the audio/notes and self-care. thanks again and i hope the other steps out there are finding some kind of peace because i just don't have it. i have found some by having more of a plan but every time her name gets brought up by son or DH i just want to throw up.

Winterglow's picture

He took your private thoughts and aired them publicly? And what was his "excuse" for doing that? Why can't he talk to you objectively rather than deciding he's right, you're wrong and then enlisting people on his team to beat you down? Have you ever tried marital counselling with him? He doesn't seem to understand the difference between a spouse and a child, puts both of you at the same level and only expects any changes from you... Does he understand what a huge turn-off that is? Is his purpose to have you leave so he can continue to coddle his child? Because if it is, he's going about it the right way by treating you like the problem, pushing you away, and refusing to listen to your concerns.

stepmarch88's picture

I tried to post another reply but it didn't go through. These are all great questions and I brought it up to DH. He proceeded to get defensive and storm off but he came back to say that he realizes that "we" need better forms of communication. I agree that he is coddling SD13 and mentioning that struck a nerve with DH. We have done marital therapy a long time ago. DH has been down and out since SD took off and manipulated him by blaming his wife and saying she can stand to be at his house. SD will wear our her "welcome" fast enough at BM's house and I will stay on my path of disengagement. I wish I had learned about the necessity to operate this way many years ago but you live and learn. 

dragonfly878's picture

It's easier for him to be mad at you than to parent his kid/deal with BM. -- thank god for therapy. 

 "Me bringing up the issue with SS is NOT the issue. The issue is SS did XYZ... or DH continues not to address ABC" 

stepmarch88's picture

Hi, I agree that it's easier for DH to be mad at me and everything rather than put in the emotional work to salvage his relationship with SD. She is becoming quite the master manipulator. She and BM have always been compulsive liars so it makes for a lost cause. I'm doing my best to separate myself from the madness and protect myself and bio kids. SD tells everyone that I am rude and mean to her but like I said she's full of it so no one believes most anything she says. I don't know what bothers me most about this situation except the way SD makes everyone feel. It's hard to see DH get manipulated so bad since he already has fathers guilt. He doesn't deserve it because he dropped everything he was doing to father this brat and she takes advantage of his kindness and anyone else who shows kindness for that matter.

Harry's picture

He is disrespect you as a wife. Placing SD above you.  Until you make DH respect you, make you first nothing will happen. More the same.  You must be put in your right place in the family, an adult, co parent, before you can start putting SD in her place,  child. 

stepmarch88's picture

Not sure if I totally agree but based on what I've disclosed I can see how it might appear that way. DH can't stand SD and BM. He regrets the day he ever met BM. DH has stood up for me and fought for me many times in front of SD. He has fathers guilt which is real and SD and BM are working hard around the clock to keep the guilt alive and in place. So I definitely don't want to be ice queen or ninja wife or whatever toward him since he has to do all the texts and is facilitating minimal interactions with SD which makes him anxious and miserable. He claims that SD is "just a hater whose accusations don't matter". I have realized more so with this thread the need to put my foot down to DH. I have continued to remind him that he doesn't have to feel guilty or manipulated in the situation. I think he secretly blames me every time SD runs off to BM. He feels that I should just ignore all the "immature teenage stuff". I have been beyond tolerant and patient. He has supported me a lot lately too. Maybe I should mention that too, but for example he started an argument today with me about how I am undermining the way he wants to punish our son for lying to DH who is trying to manipulate the situation to justify his insecurities. I stood up to him just as I did yesterday. He tried to compare our kids and I stayed the course on arguing what is real and logical (so unlike me). I reminded DH how he has tended to not punish SD when DH started in about how I don't want to let SD earn back her privileges. He quickly checked out of that one. I'm thinking dude, baby manipulator isn't even here, present in our home and he can't seem to let go of his damn fantasy that it's going to be one big, blended happy family. It was really hard to let go of that for me and I hope he can too.. sooner the better!

stepmarch88's picture

This was perfect, thank you. I relayed this concept in a no nonsense manner. DH insists that SD and BM are not manipulating him but the ego is probably at work. It's been a different approach for me but disengaging works. It makes sense. I'm able to support DH more and walk him through a new perspective. I advised him to say what he wants and follow through with it. Make an ultimatum or go back to court. Whatever he wants, but get to a damn solution already Smile

stepmarch88's picture

*actually it may get even worse before it ever gets better. DH will probably continue to have guilt and regret over the situation but hopefully it is moving away from me being the main reason SD takes off to live with BM. I know it will take me a long time to screw my head back on after all of the drama and chaos but I am happy to be starting the healing journey and I appreciate everyone's input here. Anyone who has ever been a stepparent knows how conflicting and frustrating a role it is. SD13 has caused me a great deal of pain and sorrow, but today I choose peace.

DH may not be able to completely cut off contact with SD and BM and my mention of it didn't settle well. A lot of things will evolve as the disengagement goes on and I don't freely lie down on the railroad tracks for SD to run me over. I can't do the codependency any more. it's not healthy and it makes one insane. DH agrees that we need a definite decision/schedule. When SD up and leaves it really confuses my two bio kids who are 2 and 9. I just say 'she went home' to my toddler who seems ok with that answer and with my son it's been harder because SD always tries to pry information from him and try to turn him against his own mother. i basically told him that she loves attention and she doesn't like to follow rules.

DH is super bent out of shape that I blocked SD's social media and phone. My answer to that was why wouldn't I block someone who tells everyone they hate me and can't stand to live with me? He said it's just teenager stuff. he seems to think I need to reach out to SD and have a heart to heart. he even offered to facilitate it and i was like no thanks. i told him to wake up and accept that SD might not come back this time like she did last summer. if BM wasn't single, addicted, and vindictive I would say it's for the best. I don't know what will happen to SD but if she chooses to come back here she has expectations to meet and that will always be the case. only now she has completely butchered our relationship. Thoughts?

hregal2011's picture

Wow. I feel like we have a few things in common.  It's amazing how easy it is for kids to get in the middle of a relationship.  I'm going through this too. I have disengaged..but hubby's version of 'dealing with it' is to not deal with my stepdaughter...and continue to lead an idealistic view of our household which is far from the truth.  I too am trying to focus more so on my biological kids.  Im talking with hubby again this week to discuss my issues with my stepdaughter And my husband.  I feel like parents needs to be a united front and back each other up -no matter what and that needs to be the focus or else it will only get worse.