End of the rope
My bf and I live together with my 3 teenage kids. We have a great home, all get along and enjoy a quiet smooth house full of love. We are a very close family. However.... My guy has 2 kids a girl who is 15 and a boy who is 11. Both of these are vile and I just wanna shake them until they are scrambled...
When my bf first moved to Fl. It was nice. They came every other weekend and things were good. It's been a year since he moved and things suck. First the girl is a spoiled brat. She wants to do what she wants when she wants and when my guy puts his foot down she does not like it so she punishes him by refusing to visit. She demands money from him and if he does not have it she calls him deadbeat and other names and tells him he is a shitty father etc... He pays child support and when he can he does extra like school supplies and clothes shopping, but he has bills to pay and a house to contribute too. For her formal my guy agreed to take her dress shopping on his visit weekend. SD demAnded that BM come too, not a good idea as both parents do not get along (wife divorced my guy just she she could marry his brother). So we gave the mother the money and she took the girl to get a dress which btw was very short and provocative and unacceptable for a 14 year old. When my guy said something he was attacked by both mother and daughter telling him he had no right to say anything. Forwarding to currently. SD agrees to visit and then at last minute she texts and cancels, claiming she has better things to do and YES that is what she says. So we were just taking SS who is now 11. Because this boy is a whinny mamas boy he is now refusing to come claiming that our house is to boring. Words from the BMs mouth... So my guy ends up heartbroken and I hate the pain he is in. Family is #1 to him and my kids and I try to be there as support but I see the pain he is in.. I want to just take the bunch of them and beat some sense into them all. Mother is a miserable bitter vile bitch who thrives on seeing my guy hurting and boy is she good at twisting the knife. Kids are following her lead. I want to tell him so badly exactly what I think of the kids but I don't want to make his pain worse. I don't want those little pricks in my house. I don't want them around at all. They don't think twice about hurting their own father and it's sad. he has been holding tough not texting or calling and we are making plans that even though they fall on visit weekend do not include them. But a part of me wants to be spiteful and tell them what fun our family is having without them... Just so they might be bothered at what they have done to their father.. I do feel horrible for this feeling but I don't care. Is their anyone else who feels this way? I do think I am the only one....
Are you kidding? We all feel
Are you kidding? We all feel that way!
Go ahead and have tons of fun without them. Post the pics of your adventures on your walls in frames.
One of the most effective things I have done is along those lines. I was completely miserable at dinner times because SD and DH would get into a yakkety-yak groove where no other person could possibly join the conversation. SS is autistic so it's hard to engage him in conversation. So 2 of us would be silent at dinner and 2 would be talking at the speed of light. DH just not an expert conversationalist, but he tried. Clumsy attempts to include me that SD easily re-maneuvered back into a dyad.
So I started my own conversations with SS. This was a huge challenge. But not impossible. What happened was that SS and I would be having a good time, laughing, and suddenly DH and SD would come up for air cuz they wondered what they were missing at the other end of the table!!!! Too funny! Dinners are getting better and better. Letting them wonder what they are missing out on was more powerful than anything else I tried.
I'd like to take the kids and
I'd like to take the kids and bang their bratty little heads together. SD is a spoiled brat and yes I did tell her exactly that. She doesn't get her way and she gets mean and spiteful etc.. SS is just a mamas boy who won't ever become a productive man due to his mothers need to keep him under her wing. He won't sneeze unless mommy says it's ok.. He used to love going to work with dad on Sat mornings and now he said even that is boring so he doesn't want to come. Which is fine with me. I wouldn't miss it if they never came again I just feel so helpless with my DH because I see his pain. My kids are so good, they love him and they try and fill the void but I know the pain is still there. DH isn't working like he used to and the money isn't what it used to be. So he is working on a support modification, the horse faced mother told the kids all about how dad has a new family and can't give them money anymore. Because I make a good wage and I can afford to give my kids the extras his kids demand the same from him. Sorry brat but my kids are good kids, they don't play games they do what is asked of them. They are good students never home late no drugs nothing, for teenagers they are bizzarly well behaved. I have 3 kids home all 16 and you'd never see or hear them talk back or argue. I give my kids what they deserve based on the fact that their my kids. my ex and I work together to keep them in the lifestyle we promised them (2 are adopted). BD has gone as far as to call my kids the replacements. Little bitch!!! Anyway so we are planning a Christmas cruise and a weekend trip for Halloween and neither will include the minions.. And all the while I will have my evil little grin just to spite them... }:)
Explain thoroughly and
Explain thoroughly and bluntly that YOU pay for YOUR kids. Their dad's cs has NOTHING to do with what YOUR kids get. Tell them you're sorry their mother misunderstood that, if you have to.
Go on and on about how mothers all over the world can and DO provide for their own children. It just depends on what kind of mother you want to be. This is the kind of mother you want to be. Let them draw their own conclusions from that.
Never say anything bad about their mom but do not let shit like that go unanswered. One of the biggest possible things you can ever be to those stepkids is an example of a whole different kind of adult than they are used to. My SD15 thinks she hates me but I catch her copying and emulating me all the time, including this very weekend. One day it will sink into their heads that their mom is not the be all and end all of mothers and that other mothers don't wait around for child support to provide for their kids. You may have a better education than she does, more professionalism, etc. It just might make an impression on them that they would rather live a life like yours as a grownup rather than hers.
You might even use the phrase "the children that love me." A la "I take the children that love me (or us) on cruises." Slip in a few more phrases that get across the idea the power to go on cruises is in their own hands if they change their behavior. It probably won't change their behavior much because they'll be loyal to their mom, but it will take some wind out of the sails of BM's comments to them.
Whatever you do ... do not
Whatever you do ... do not forego good times just because the vile step spawn refuse to visit.
This is why I am a huge proponent of long distance visitation schedules. Far fewer opportunities to manipulate and spout toxic bullshit. Dad's time is dad's time. It is dedicated for longer periods, and BM has far less opportunity to interfere.
We never lived nearer than 1200 miles to Sperm Land primarily because of how manipulating and toxic Sperm Grandma is. Our son went to Sperm Land 3x per year if they chose to take or could afford the COd visitations. 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring. That was it. They got their time without frequent interface with us and we were not saddled with their toxic bullshit week in and week out. If is far better for the Skid's too. They have dedicated time with the NCP where the NCP rules rule and the CP can't interfere as easily. And vise versa.
So, think about a transfer to far, far, away. If the skids refuse to visit then BF puts BM in jail for contempt. Each and every time. The only way to bring clarity to spawn as manipulated as these are is to bring the pain down on the PASing parent like a ton of shit in a one pound bag.
Zero tolerance.
No support beyond CS with clear documentation that is presented to the toxic spawn any time there is a peep about dad being a deadbeat. Show how much he has paid BM for support of the kids for the entire period of the CO. Bare her vindictive and manipulative ass as a gold digging harpy. She married uncle daddy for God's sake. She has nothing remotely redeeming about her. Bring the facts, bring the pain.
It is not too difficult to shred people as toxic as your BF's X is.
IMHO of course.
I like what ChiefGU stated,
I like what ChiefGU stated, "Go on and on about how mothers all over the world can and DO provide for their own children. It just depends on what kind of mother you want to be. This is the kind of mother you want to be. Let them draw their own conclusions from that."
I would enjoy the time without the Skids around, although I completely understand how upset your bf must be. And to think BM left him for his brother! What pieces of work they must be (BM and your Bf's brother).
I have my Skids FT, Sd19 and SD13, and they have DH like a pawn in their hands. How I wish life were different. Glad to hear you're planning some fun getaways! Halloween isn't that far away!
~ Moon