You are here

At the end of my rope!!!!

Diane1968's picture

I am ready to give up and walk away. I love my husband but the ex and the kids are killing me.

2 years ago my hubby moved to be closer to his kids. They came EOW and no issues we all had fun. I have 3 kids and we would get everyone together Sunday and go for family time. His kids are SD15 and SS12. 14 months into this blended family my hubby and I went out of state for a wedding and took NONE of the kids. We stayed with family and none of the kids were invited to the wedding as it was an adult affair. SD gets mad and being a spoiled brat thanks to bio-mom refuses to see dad. This went on for 9 months. Dad tried and begged the kids to come but nope. SS has no backbone so when mom supported this temper tantrum he went along with the games. Dad texted both kids daily telling him he loves them etc and all he got was from SD "Dad I have a life and your not a part of it". So he files in court to get time sharing. Mediation was ordered and during the session Mom said "kids want to visit with dad exclusively" therefore eliminating me which hurt but whatever. BTW hubby is disabled and doesnt make a decent wage, its MY money that paid for all activities in the past. At first hubby refused BUT when his hand was dealt he gave in and agreed. As they ALL walk out of the room mom says "BTW We (the kids and mother) dont care what you do with the kids WE all just wanted to see how far youd go" and THAT was a huge kick in the teeth. So forward 2 visits. He brings the kids back to the house because he doesnt have money to do anything and his arthritis is killing him so the kids ask where I am. He explains that I didnt want to be there because I for one WILL adhere to the agreement regardless if I am the only one I will not give anyone any reason to complain that he didnt follow the agreement. So on the day visits I go out and give him the house for his visit. I am not OK with this. I am being expected to leave my home because the mother does not like me and the kids mostly SD is a brat and she is mad at me for not giving the money for a plane ticket to get her up the wedding.
We are on the 3rd visit and the ONLY one abiding by this agreement is ME. And its causing such resentment. MY hubby is mad at me because I will not stay home with him and his kids. My kids go to their dads weekends so they arent around either. He and I had a huge fight over this and I told him I really dont want to see his kids. Id never show my anger to them but I am ready to walk away from my hubby. We almost broke up over this and now even he wont abide by the agreement that just about was the reason we parted ways.
I have noone to talk to about this and I cant open up to my partner because all it does is make him attack me and throwing my kids in my face.. I dont know what else to do.. Am I being unreasonable?

Diane1968's picture

And to clarify.. Mom didn't say officially that she and the kids didn't care if I'm around during visits. It was a conversation and there's no proof it was said. The mother is the type of person that would file that he broke the agreement and deny ever saying that. And the kids would back her up. I just don't want my hubby in trouble for breaking the agreement, that's why I am following it..

another step's picture

He is angry at you for ensuring the Order HE agreed to is complied with??? Sounds like he is actually angry at himself and his turncoat children and you are the convenient scapegoat. Tell him that you will continue to insist he follow the Order as you do not want to be the reason he is hauled in for Contempt. If he does not like it, he can file for a Modification. But this is on him. He is incredibly fortunate that you are willing to work with that ridiculous provision rather than insisting he see them exclusively out of the house and spend his OWN money on entertaining them.

Diane1968's picture

Mom told my hubby if he brings the kids here and they are not comfortable around me then I have to make alternate arrangements...

Diane1968's picture

So kids called as asked dad to take them to the amusement park tomorrow.. He doesn't have the money so they want him to get it from me. I said NO!! Because my thought is... If I'm not good enough for them neither is my money.. So now SD is even madder at me.. lol.. Currently for this B.S. game of "getting to know you dad" it's every other Sunday during the day. But in July start the Fri-Sun weekends and 2 weeks in the summer. The agreement does not name me but it states "these visits are to be SOLELY WITH FATHER" But that's ok. I'll take MY kids and do fun stuff and he can sit home and let his kids get to know him again because you know 9 months is a lifetime. Note sarcasm...

another step's picture

If you cave and give him any money you will really hate yourself for it. When you are tempted - just to get him to shut up - think about the fun things you can do with your own kids with the money. Then go do them! Smile

Oh - and if you have X-boxes or other electronics for your kids, make sure that they are either well hidden (like in the trunk of your car) or disabled by taking the controller or cords when the skids are there. Just like your money, why should they benefit from the things you provide to your kids? If they are mad at not being given your money, I would not give them the opportunity to break your children's things.

Diane1968's picture

Trust me I won't cave in.. in fact I won't even give him my compact car to drive the 68 miles each way.. He has to use his big full size gas hog truck so there goes his money for icecream..

simifan's picture

I'd take my kids to the beach every weekend he has skids & disney for the 2 weeks, even if i had to charge everything. Then again, i am spiteful like that.

BTW, solely with the father really means very little legally... Do we interpret as he can't be anywhere public? Can't visit with family? Friends? I would make sure i got out my interpretation, they have to be with Dad & he can't leave you to babysit.

Diane1968's picture

I lost respect for him the moment he agreed to exclude me from any part of his life regardless.

Krissy09's picture

DAMN! That a f'ucked up situation...and I don't even curse! It's easy to say "I'd pack up and move out" but when you are married there are so many logistics that make it hard to pack up and remove yourself from such bullshit. This makes me mad for you. If our BM could have it her way this is exactly what husbands parenting plan would say. If this were my situation I think I would just let her take him back for contempt. Judges always do things that they see is "in the best interest of the child" and I don't think forcing their stepmom out of the house is in their best interest. I mean what kind of fu'cked up example is that setting for them?!

Diane1968's picture

I am beyond hurt mad pissed etc. For him to agree to this has me realizing that when he's forced into a corner BM will run the show and that's not something I want to wait around for. I love him and so do my children and right now the only thing keeping us together is my children's love for him. Yes I want to lock my children's room up so they can't use their stuff. I planned on taking ALL of the kids on a cruise and I've told my DH I will not take his kids and if he doesn't like that he can stay home too. Again if I'm not good enough neither is my money. I feel bad for him because he missed out on so much with them living 1200 miles away but at what point does it stop. His ex has called me and my children the replacements and at one point I was steps away from smacking her.. It's so sad that he allowed these kids to put a wedge between us that I don't know if I want to remove. I'm hurt mostly that he agreed to this. Worst part for me is I told him from day 1 I would rather not be involved I the visits but due to his arthritis he takes med that make him dizzy and he can't drive. So now he has to either not take the med or drive under the influence because I can't even drive him to them.. BUT in the end I am the only one following this agreement none of them are. And then I get into a fight over it..

omgstop's picture

Sweetheart, this is a case of him making his bed. How sorry did he feel for you when he decided to exclude you from his life? I know what I posted a little further down, but after rereading your post I am absolutely gobsmacked that he has the nerve to get upset with you for not accommodating HIS EX WIFE, THEIR SPAWN AND HIM. Does he actually take arthritis meds or is he on acid, cos homeboy is straight delusional. He and the ex deserve each other. Get out if you can. Even if it just means having your own place and staying married if you really want to try to work things out. Your and your kiddos don't deserve to live like this.

omgstop's picture

If this is the first round of bs, girl would I think LONG AND HARD about whether or not staying married to him is worth it. From the sounds of things, he's got zero spine and zero respect for you. On top of everything else he has the nerve to expect you to help him see his asshole kids while Lady Tremaine pulls all the stings in YOUR life? HELL TO THE NAW.

Diane1968's picture

I have told him that eventually SD will give dad a new ultimatum. Break up with me or she won't visit anymore. And I've told him I know he will bow again to the princess and we will be over. But I have also made it very clear he is in MY house using MY car and truck therefore when that day comes he will take His clothes and that's it. All he had to do was take that language off the table and he didnt. He says he was so desperate to see his kids that he had no choice. And I told him if his kids really wanted to see him then they would have said forget the condition.
I will say today I am off to take my kids to Busch Gardens because their dad is out of town.. He will have lunch at MCDONALD'S and bring them back to their house because he doesn't have the money for funday.. And he is in a lot of pain so he can't even walk to do fun free stuff with them.
He needs a knee replacement so he can't walk much. I am just beside myself and if my kids weren't so attached then I'd be gone..
And Felicia hahaha on the meds vs acid comment. I wonder that too at times.. Normally he is a good man. He is kind caring faithful a hard worker.. He is patient and I know he loves me. He'd never hit and other then this issue with his kids we have NO problems what so ever. But I am finding it so hard to get passed this and I guess I'm just so hurt because I'd never allow my children to run my life and make those demands and I didn't think he would either...

Diane1968's picture

Next issue is weekends. Next month these vile children will start spending eow we us and I'm not sure how I will handle this. I don't want to go out with them or even interact with them. I'd rather check in to a hotel for these weekends but if course that isn't possible. My hubby thinks things will be OK and go back to the way they used to be but it's never going to happen.. I don't want a relationship with them.

Diane1968's picture

No I won't leave because I have too. I will leave because I have something better to do. I will gather my kids and go do fun stuff.
His kids reasoning for excluding me from these 2 months of visits was so they could "get to know dad". Which is plain bullshit. But now they are hating the boring sit at the park in the heat or go to the house and do nothing because I hold the bank books.. Now they say they want us ALL to go do things. Yeah fat chance.. When I do leave on the weekends they come I'll be at the amusement park with my kids having good fun. They can stay home and continue to get to know dad.. But it won't be every weekend and I'm not going to be chased out by them.. I will make it known that I am taking MY kids to do family stuff and since they don't consider me family then they don't need to go...
I told hubby that we aren't going to last. Whenever I try and get my feelings out be it anger sadness or frustration he shuts down and that's why we will part ways. If he would just have sat and heard me and listened then maybe we could have gotten past this but he just says "I'm done.. I love you and that's it" and he won't talk or listen.. For me That's the worst part he won't let me vent.. So I hold it in and That's killing me. Right now I'm just waiting for the courage and strength to tell him to leave....
Hahaha he just called and said he was coming home with the kids. So I told him I was leaving and he said I was acting like a baby. I told him he's an idiot and why is it that
the I am the only one willing to follow this agreement. He said and I quote. "WOW. THIS IS REALLY PUTTING A WEDGE BETWEEN US" Hey ass no kidding I've been saying that for the past month. Wow and now he wants to talk. I think I'm done.. I'm not sure I want to visit this rodeo anymore..
thanks for the understanding everyone. I've felt all alone up until now.. Smile

rlock12's picture

I have the same issue with his daughter. She will not do anything with him unless I'm not there. I told him I refuse to feel unwelcome in my own house so he can go elsewhere with her.

Diane1968's picture

That's kind of the way I feel.. I would have gladly backed out but I wanted to do so as my choice not being forced by the mother and kids. I'm just done.. I'm like a deflated balloon. I have nothing left to give so I'll concede am they won... They can have him all to themselves and I'll pack my children and my life and move.. It's so sad that they became the end of us..

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I have been going through this kind of thing for years with SD19. Not exactly your situation, but DH putting Princess on a pedestal is similar. DH is finally caving, I think. I won't hold my breath, but what I can offer you is this. Don't give in. Be the stronger one. For too many years and esp for the past few months I gave in. I'm having more fun standing my ground now and DH is finally starting to see the light, he sees that he has been manipulated by SD19. Keep having those fun trips with your kids EOWE. You deserve it and it's good for them!

~ Moon