Eating Disorders - Have you had to deal with this?
As some may know from my previous post, I strongly suspect that my SD is playing with starving herself and purging. I've tried to bring this up to my husband. A close family friend of ours has also said something to him, when she noticed that EVERY single time we all went out to eat together, my SD would excuse herself to the bathroom toward the end of the meal and be in there for a good 5-10 minutes. My husband has supposedly had one of his "talks" with her, she says she's not purging, and he believes her.
However, I don't think she is being honest, and if anyone has ever dealt with people who have eating disorders, honest is the LAST thing they are about their problem!
My SD moved back in with her mom at the beginning of this month...this problem has been going on for a while now...I would say ever since my SD joined dance. I wouldn't be surprised if some of the other girls in dance are doing the same thing to get/stay skinny, and that is where she got the idea. I just don't get how my husband doesn't SEE it!! I mean, how more obvious can she be sometimes? When she was living with us, I would noticed that she would not eat breakfast before she left the house (and she was not allowed to buy it at school, as she had plenty of time in the morning to eat before catching the bus). When I would look at her lunch account, I would only see a couple of days a week she would actually get food. She would then come home, have a bowl of cereal or a sandwich, and then not want to eat dinner. If we made her eat dinner, she would shortly thereafter be in the bathroom.
Just this past weekend when she was with us, I noticed what I am certain was a purge episode! That morning, I made her eat a sandwich for breakfast, as she is always falling asleep all the time, I wanted her to have some protein rather than a bowl full of sugary cereal. She ate half the sandwich and threw the other half away. At lunch, she had A small piece of chicken...a small thigh, which we all know has maybe two ounces of meat on it. She ate nothing else. Come dinner time, she wanted ice cream, but we told her she had to eat some real food first. She went for another piece of chicken, which I pointed out that she had NO vegetables at all yet that day...so my husband (shockingly) made her make a salad and put the chicken in pieces on top of it. She then had an ice cream cone immediately after finishing her dinner. About 5 minutes after finishing her ice cream, she heads to the bathroom, and is in there for a good 10 minutes! She came out, and went straight to her purse to get a piece of gum, and then disappeared upstairs. How could my husband not notice this and be concerned? This is regular behavior! I've tried bringing it up, someone outside the family has noticed...he does nothing because SD "says" she does not have issues with food! Yeah, famous last words of a person with an eating disorder! Part of me wants to tell him, "Look, she is NEVER going to be honest with you...just send her to counseling and deal with it!" I know this will only start a fight, and he will not do anything about it.
Any ideas? Oh, and the kid is overly obsessed with her looks! Seriously...she puts on full makeup to sit around the house all day when she knows we are not going anywhere! I've tried to tell her, "Honey, you have pretty skin...you don't need to ruin it with all that makeup, and you MUST give your face a break at least a couple days a week if you are going to keep pretty skin!" She never listens.
She is so lucky to have
She is so lucky to have you!!!
Yes I agree that you are onto something. Some parents are just blind to this stuff. I developed an eating disorder at age 6. No one caught on until it became out of control for me. Yes dance class is enough to start this issue. Kids are trained to be the best of the best and look beautiful doing so. Does your SD wear baggy clothes? Will she eat somewhere if there is no bathroom or a getaway? When asked, does she reply with "I'm fine" or "everything is fine"?
I would suggest to get some blood work done on her and a good overall checkup. Does she weigh herself a lot or face away from the scale when she is being weighed? Eating disorders take up so much thought and energy and its common that they go un noticed until its to late. Not that its ever to late as long as the person is alive but it is a true nightmare for everyone involved and the emotions of the person who suffers from it. Does depression run in the family? These questions I asked are just a cple things I learned along the way that are red flags for an eating disorder.
Mine started bc I had no control as my stepdad was verbally abusive towards me, sexually abused by my bio dad, physically abused by my bio dad, few molesting's from my parents friends, and I couldn't handle the pressure and pain anymore. I would avoid letting her feel control over food if she uses that but also figure out ways to take stress off her. Getting through to the parents is important and it will be a challenge if they are fast to blow things off.
feel free to send me a message if I can be of help or even just a listener. Eating disorders can be difficult but I'm glad to hear that somebody is paying attention to what may possibly be going on. You might be the person who saves her life.
My SD usually doesn't wear
My SD usually doesn't wear anything that is a tight fit around the mid-section...usually sweatshirts, or long shirts with skinny jeans/leggings, that sort of thing. We haven't really eaten anywhere where there hasn't been a bathroom, so I'm not sure if she would have any issue if there weren't. I do know that she sits there and picks at her food...bird bites...and is quick to say that she if full. We went out for my son's birthday. This was one of those days that she did not eat breakfast or lunch, and had a sandwich when she came home. At dinner, she had about 2 bites of her chicken, and a bite of rice, and claimed she was full. My husband used the excuse that she ate a sandwich when she came home from school (that was 4:00 p.m., we ate dinner at 7:00 p.m.). She didn't excuse herself to go to the bathroom, but it was a huge place, and everyone from our family was there (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). I guess you can say she was avoiding eating. My mother-in-law ended up taking the rest of my SD's food home with her for lunch the next day.
And, yes, there is a history of mental illness in her family. Her mother has been diagnosed bi-polar. My SD says that her step-dad is always yelling at her, her mom is always out of it, her little brother (who is 10 years younger) runs around crazy...but for some crazy reason, THAT is where she wants to live...when she was with us, she was throwing a fit that she wanted to go back to her mom's, causing her mom to call my husband up cussing at him, her mom accusing me of all kinds of crap, etc. until my husband let my SD move back over there. Granted, it wasn't good here...I can't say anything without getting total attitude out of the kid (followed by texts from her mom calling me a white trash step-mom), and my husband does NOTHING to discipline the child, even when she was caught in full lies! We were seriously on the verge of divorce while she was here, that's how bad it gets.
Dang that is quite the
Dang that is quite the situation, you can still be there for her. Had she said why she wants to be at her BM's and if yes, did you believe her? How old is your SD too? I agree with you that the last thing a person will do is be honest about an eating disorder and that a control thing for them. People with eating disorders have a lot of emotional pain as you seem to already understand. When the pain of the underlying issues become to much, its as if their brain goes into a protection mode and they find control through anything, often it starts with food. Then there are others from my understanding that develops eating issues through peers and them wanting to be skinny and pretty to be accepted. I'm assuming your SD has a low self esteem which is common with this problem.
Do you know why she does not want to live with her dad? I'm asking so many questions bc I'm trying to help you figure out what could be going on and possibly an idea with where to direct you. How old was your SD when her parents split up and do you know if your SD received help during that time? She may have blamed herself for the break up of her parents and that is a lot to put on your own shoulders. I'm guessing that she is not aggressive towards others.
Please know that I'm not a doctor of any type and I'm only going from personal experience. I think there is a couple of pros with that though. I never thought that doctors even understood. They taught me how to hide the condition better. I can't explain to most how doctors can make it worse bc others just know that doctors are there to help. I'm a believer that institutions are not always in ones best interest either bc with younger girls, the other peers are likely forced there by their parents trying to do the right thing only peers teach each other tricks if you will. Are both parents of your SD manipulating or just one of them? Before you tell me, I guess the mother is manipulating and what the dad says goes. At least so he thinks? Please take no offense if I'm way off.
I have not given you tools yet but this is starting to turn out long and I would like to give you a chance with what is already said. I will help you with this as best as I can as long as you like me too. One important thing first, your SD will stand a better chance as long as people stay one step ahead of her. Eating disorders is also about out smarting who ever gets in the way of their path.
My SD will be 14 in a couple
My SD will be 14 in a couple of weeks. She was less than a year old when her parents split, to young to really remember anything. My husband caught his ex with another man, and decided to forgive her and try to make it work, but his ex decided that she just didn't want to be married any more and kicked him out. She drug out the divorce forever, especially when he started dating me after they had been separated for nearly a year, and she had already started having an active dating life. When he started dating me, his ex suddenly wanted him back, but we quickly learned she didn't want him back at all, she was just trying to break us up.
My husband's ex is a very manipulative woman, and unfortunately, my SD has learned over the years to be that way, too. I'm thinking the original push to live with dad was because she thought she would get her way here, like she does at her mom's, minus having to take care of the little brother. With all of step-dad's yelling and such, my SD pretty much does what she wants (mom is out of it most of the time, and doesn't notice or care). She came here and found that: 1) she couldn't get on the cheerleading squad even though she made squad at her old school, because the squad was picked last year and that is the rules. She would have to wait until next school year to try out for squad. 2) Our school does not have a dance program in middle school, and the high school's program is really small. She tried to get dad to pay for an expensive dance class to make up for it, but I would not let my husband do so as my SD wasn't doing her school work, and was caught in so many lies her first weeks here! I told him we could not reward bad behavior!
I would also not wait on her hand and foot like her mom does. In this house, we are all expected to clean up after ourselves...we put our own dishes in the dishwasher, run it if we notice it is full, and empty it if we notice it is clean when we go to put our dish in there. She didn't like this! Every time I tell her to clean her bowl, she would roll her eyes and have attitude...and then of course go to her room and text her mom that I'm being a b***h.
Have you ever seen the movie "Mean Girls" with Lindsay Lohan? There is a group of girls in that movie they call "the plastics"...and that is exactly how my SD acts toward everyone! Like she is better than everyone...very little humility in the child. If she is caught doing something (like when she was caught with alcohol at school last year that she got from another friend), she lays on the water works and the lies and convinces my husband that she is the perfect innocent in it all, even when there is evidence to the contrary (like the entire conversation about the alcohol that was found in her Facebook chat). At that time, she was forbidden to use Facebook, and has not been given that priv back yet. However, around Christmas, I looked up her name, and there was a new Facebook page that showed it was set up on 11/5/2012. I brought it up to my husband. When he asked my SD about it, she immediately said it was an inactive page she didn't even know the password to (yet it was set up very recently...months after her Facebook privs were taken away). He believed her, and the page is still active!
I think the eating disorders and the lies are connected, and that the attitude is a cover for what is really going on underneath. I don't know...I only know that at the current pace, high school is going to be a very rocky road! I can see lots of sneaking out, partying, boys (as she is already boy crazy...she was also caught chatting online with a 17 year old guy telling him she is 15, which, with all the makeup and how "endowed" she is, this would be easily believable), etc.
Have you ever seen the movie
Have you ever seen the movie "Mean Girls" with Lindsay Lohan? No I haven't yet!
Complete wild streak. That age sucks and she is in her own little world. It is normal for a teen to want to be where they can have their fun and getting away with stuff is easier. One suggestion that you can do for starters, is instead of telling your husband that she is lying or what ever over and over- if you find yourself doing that, try to prove the truth. I have caught fake tears and fake smiles to the rolling eyes on video tape. Once DH sees a pattern of it, that's when my DH figured it out. Before I starting capturing things, my husband felt like I was putting him on the spotlight and nagged. It is hard for a dad not to take it personal when they hear about it.
In your situation, I'm really not sure what I can suggest for you. I never had choice on which parent to live with. Your SD's Birth parents needs to be the people seeking help and putting this girl first. It is great that you are yet I find it sad that her birth parents (especially a mother) aren't.
When she is with you, I would try to keep fresh fruits and vegetables available. Keep laxatives locked up out of site out of mind. If she starts eating a lot of fruits suddenly, that is a red flag. In that case, cut back how much is bought and available. I would do that quietly to keep her from thinking she needs to sneak from you. Watch for her drinking excess water, keep mouth wash on hand bc puking fries your teeth and mouthwash neutralizes the acid some, if she sees the dentist on your terms, you can in private talk to the dentist informing him of your suspicion. They see what happens to teeth when someone has a eating disorder and the dentist will likely point out some important things to her. That education would be great for her to hear. Shes at that age where parents don't know what their talking about. The attitude could be a cover yes or maybe its her frustration in feeling like she can't communicate and no body understands. A therapist for coping skills. Watch for her doing excess exercising.
Until Daddy sees the light
Until Daddy sees the light you're wasting your time. Disengage from this subject and let her bio-parents take care of it in their own good time. All you're going to accomplish menawhile is irritate everyone.
By the way all that vomiting will effect the teeth also with the stomach acid eating away the enamal. Might want to mention that as an aside to Daddy that he can expect his dental bills to go up unless she's carefully brushing after every episode. In fact for the kids sake you should mention it to her. Without accusing you can just mention that you recently read the people who vomit a lot lose their teeth and they should brush thoroughly after every episode. Stock up on tooth paste.
But leave it alone. You can't convince anyone until it becomes obvious.
Sorry OCC for I have
Sorry OCC for I have appreciated many of your posts and not meaning to sound rude here but I feel you are wrong. I feel that you think you know everything bc your that type of guy which is cool in most cases but your way off on this one! I think that your talking out your ass as a know it all and you forgot which end is which. You were an ass to me about my topic on a eating disorder as well, which I recently posted... I was trying to say that I have a problem and happened to seek help but you as usual knew all the answers and with this particular topic, your really clueless.
I think that your reply here is not a reply of knowledge by all means which greatly disappointments me and makes me want to slap you in the face at the moment. Please stick to giving advice that you have a clue about bc I do like your advice when you do know what you are talking about!!! Just saying.....
Toothpaste does not neutralize acid like mouthwash does yet I happen to agree that it is important that you do both after purging. She is not wasting her time by posting but IMO you are wasting her time by posting a futile response. You gave me a futile response as well. If you want to type "disengage" as an answer..why don't you disengage from topics that you are clueless on?????
If you hadn't noticed from the OP, her parents are simply blind to this issue and the stepparent here is not seeing it. I wish that you could get a clue that this step parent sees the emerging issue and maybe just maybe she needed to be heard. Sadly she does not have much control over this issue but I do gather that she is also smart enough to figure out that much.
there are actually times when
there are actually times when he knows what he's talking about? guess i missed those comments. he seems to always be talking out of his ass and just being a condescending prick from what i've read.
I know right! I try to ignore
I know right! I try to ignore him when I disagree but he has no point in posting reply to this OP being he is clueless... Why have to be a smart know it all is beyond me when he sounds like a fool talking out his ass. People like that really feel better and wiser than others.....
Hello Cantkeepdoingthis My SO
Hello Cantkeepdoingthis
My SO 16 1/2 year old daughter started group therapy for an Eating Disorders on Tuesday...
She is 5ft 8 - weighs just under 7 st and her BMI is 14.5!!!
She has always been a 'difficult' child - is a very spoilt / petulant & entitled princess - she has had major tantrums since being a toddler - as she got older she would trash her room and mothers house.
She has totally controlled both her parents who have never been honest with her and played 'happy' families even though they split up / divorced 13 years ago.
Her parents have been at 'war' with each other for years - each trying to out do each other and prove they are the better parent - nauseating :sick:
This is the outcome of their actions - their daughter has an Eating Disorder !!!!
Sadly she manipulates everyone - turns on the tears - takes and takes - never gives anything / lies and manipulates and has always been unpleasant. She cannot do anything for herself and i mean anything - can't or won't even make a drink / make her bed or open her bedroom curtains.
She moved in with her dad last year permenantely and all he does is baby her / buy her / cook / cleans / irons / takes her shopping / bakes / washes & drys dishes / goes for walks with her / changes all our plans if she is not happy - it is hell...
Her dad is in denial and thinks he can just buy and buy for her - she never ever says thank you to him. She sometimes doesn't speak to him or us for days if she is sulking :sick:
Meal times are horrific as she controls what they eat & when. 5 minutes after eating she locks herself in his bathroom, taps running - she uses a huge bottle of mouthwash each week and at leat 6-8 toilet rolls (to line the toilet basin) but my partner says she has promised him she is not being sick / purging WTH!!
Honestly my friend as a 'step' there is absolutely nothing you can do for this girl if the parents won't acknowledge the problem and they are living in denial - all you can do is just sit and watch the spectacular fallout and watch her fading before your eyes - lying / manipulating / crying to daddy.
It is truly heart wrenching - oh and you will be totally blamed if you say anything negative about this girl and you will get accused of not supporting your partner and accused of being selfish!!!
I am very near the end of this relationship of over 10 years - i cannot watch / spectate anymore - i simply do not get it.
If this girl was my daughter i would be knocking on every medics door screaming at them and would demand a Mental Health assessment and i would camp outside docotors door - it just simply kills you.
Please take care of yourself and be very strong - {{hugs}} to you for caring about your SD. xxx
@LOSTTHEWILLTOLIVE Man...so
@LOSTTHEWILLTOLIVE Man...so much of this sounds like my SD! Both parents have always put her on a pedastol of sorts...when she was little, her mom would go on and on, "You're my favorite!" I wouldn't be surprised if those words are what are at the root of the problem now, as suddenly, nearly 4 years ago, here comes baby brother after my SD had been the ONLY and "the favorite" in that house for 10 years!
My husband has always treated her like his little princess, and because he was always competing with his ex, always went overboard to try to make my SD want to be with him, and not instantly want to go home to her mom's on the weekends. Mom would call Friday night...mere hours after my husband picked my SD up...and start with the whole "I miss you already" which would lead to a night of my SD bawling her eyes out that she wanted to go home. The whole thing would start again Saturday night, as mom INSISTED on being allowed to call my SD every night when she was with us to tell her goodnight! So, my husband would always try to make my SD want to be with him...babying her, buying her things, etc. The girl has also never had to clean her room at our house by herself...my husband will always call his mom and/or sister over, and they actually come clean it for her!
Now, that the child is a teenager, it looks like the way she was treated by both parents in the younger years is backfiring! At mom's, she now has a little brother to contend with. Isn't any better here, as she has had older siblings the whole time (I brought two kids into the marriage...my daughter is 8 years older than my SD, my son 4 years...my husband adopted both of my kids...my SD wasn't even 1 year when I came into the picture as a girlfriend). Now, she doesn't have as much competition here, because my daughter is now out on her own (can't believe she will be 22 in a few weeks), and my son is in his junior year of high school and has his own thing going (football/track practice, friends, his job, etc.). So these days, most of the time she his the only kid in the house when she is with us; however, she still wanted to move back with her mom, because she didn't get away with stuff here. My husband will not put his foot down, but there are certain things that I do control in this house...like our finances...so any big ticket items (like a $200/month dance bill) we have to both agree on, or it does not happen. Also, while I've given up on telling my SD anything because I do not need nasty texts from her mother while I'm at my job, I will NOT hesitate to pull my husband aside and let him know that I am not happy with her behavior (like when she refuses to do her own dishes).
@Starla...I don't think even getting proof of the lies will help. He has seen proof! He saw the Facebook stuff (I'm not the one who provided it...the step-dad gave the school permission to go into my SD's Facebook when the other girl implicated in the alcohol incident said that they had planned all out there the night before). The school provided my husband with the conversation. My SD's excuse? She didn't think that her friend would actually bring the alcohol, and that she had taken it away from her friend and put it in her bag and forgot she had it! I find it hard to believe this...I mean, why didn't my SD go pour it out in the bathroom? Why didn't she rat on the friend? Also, I do know enough about teenagers that if they don't thinks someone will do something, the standard answer is "Whatever!" not "HELL YA!" There was another incident...recently...my husband got a call from the school while she was living with us saying that if she got another tardy, she was going to have to do Saturday school. My husband asked her about her tardies, which she immediately replied that she didn't have any. My SD has had a history of getting in trouble for excessive tardies, so this was nothing new, but my husband's response was simply, "Well, then you need to figure out which teacher thinks you are tardy and get it worked out." REALLY! She just lied to your face and you KNOW this!
I'm sure she needs some kind of therapy...wouldn't be surprised if the whole attitude is acting out. She won't talk to me because I'm the evil step-mom who wants her to clean up after herself and who wouldn't let her have her dance class. I'm sorry, I don't reward bad behavior! When my daughter was in high school, she wanted her driver's license and a car...I told her if she kept her grades up and didn't get into trouble she could have one. She hung around the wrong people, and I was constantly having to pay for summer school to just get her graduated...so no, she didn't get a car! My son had the same requirements...he passes all of his classes, doesn't get into trouble, so he got his license and a truck...and he knows if his grades slip or he starts getting into trouble, bye bye truck! I reward good behavior...I understand that kids, especially teens, are not perfect...but you can tell the ones who are trying to do good and the ones who are trying to see how crazy they can make their parents!
Thank you both for your input. I guess as a step-parent, the best thing I can do is pray that the parents will WAKE UP an get help for their daughter. Maybe subtle hints will help, we can only see. I feel like I'm standing on a bridge watching a train wreck happen below!