Drugs, lying, stealing gets you a weekend pass to go play with friends
17 y/o SS has ADHD, lives with BM and is with us one night each week and every other weekend. He is in his senior year but won't graduate if he flunks even one class this year (he is currently flunking three with only 5 weeks remaining in the marking period). He has had some issues with lying (forever), stealing (in the last year and a half) and was arrested for breaking and entering about 2 years ago. He got off with probation, community service and a small fine. I keep a lighter on my kitchen island for use with my candles and they keep disappearing when he is around. When asked if he took it, he always says no. Today it was missing again so I looked in his room. I found the lighter and much more--there was a small piece of tin foil with black residue on it (reaked to high heaven and made me lightheaded), a homemade bong with partially smoked pot in it, bottles from leftover chew (gross!) and empty beer bottles hidden in various places (behind stuffed animals, in drawers, etc). I also found the label and another bottle (empty) of my husband's tylenol 3 with codiene and percocet from an injury that was in our master bath (in a drawer) -- under duress he admitted that he had taken them "a long time ago" when I know for a fact they were in my husband's bathroom drawer as recently as three months ago.
He has admitted to combining huffing and alcohol in the past. Today, when confronted, he admited that the tin foil was from a time when he smoked vidocdin but he wouldn't say where he got the vicodin. In the past he was caught taking his ADHD meds to school with the intent to sell. He also used his ADHD bad memory to say he didn't remember what he did with DH's tylenol 3 and percocet. He either took it, smoked it or sold it.
Last summer I was finally able to prove that he had been stealing money from my purse (he had already been caught stealing money from his BM and Grandmother, but they believe his bs answer that he thought it was "family money") -- so then he tried that with me and I simply said if that was the case he wouldn't have sneaked it in the middle of the night. My purse is now locked into my home office with a key-coded lock.
DH came home tonight from a hard day at work and after having a direct conversation, reiterating the house rules, LET HIM GO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH A FRIEND AS ORIGINALLY PLANNED FOR THE EVENING!!! Every time this kid does something wrong or is busted doing something wrong, there are no consequences and he just continues down his sideways path. Dad's answer today was that SS was going to be with a friend who is a good kid (who knows if that is where he'll end up since he also tends to end up places he wasn't supposed to be) and that he was beat up and tired.
I have informed them both that the next time I find illegal drugs in my home, I will call the police with no notice to either of them.
I have tried to get this kid ADHD help in terms of extra tutoring, counseling, medication modification so that it doesn't feel so yucky, etc. BUT, neither DH or BM will follow through. I know that ADHD kids tend to self-medicate and he certainly does, but he would prefer to "smoke a bowl" than to see a professional because he doesn't want to admit to having anxiety or depression. I can't make him go to therapy and parents won't follow through.
I don't like to have him in my home anymore since he has lied, stolen, etc. I am very pissed at my husband for not ever following through. He thinks that his little lectures are going to cure the problem, when in reality, the kid just gives him lip service and goes about his merry way doing whatever he damn well pleases.
SS will be 18 in May, most likely will not graduate so he has another entire year of high school (and child support, but that is not the main issue) -- do I really have to deal with this child living in my home for another year and a half? It seems like forever to be a prisoner in my own home because I don't trust him to be in my home without supervision. We have a work-related party tomorrow evening and I don't want to take my husband because I don't want to leave him alone in the house.
What's a SM to do?