Disengaged before I knew that was a "term"
Please be kind, this is my first post, but definetly not my first bout of frustration and anger.
I am 34, and live with my partener and 17 year old SS, he is one month away from 18.
I started out with what I thought was a fairly good relationship with my SS. Once I moved in, things went down hill fast.
My SS has taken over our lives, I live for the days he is gone.
So in a nutshell..... My SS has a abnormal (for a 17 year old) attachement to his father, he claims that his dad is his best friend. Unfortunatly, dad treats him as that. When we are all at home, I might as well not be there. SS puts himself physically between his dad and me and inturupts so I have taken to just walking away.
SS is sweet as pie to me, but only if his dad is within earshot. Otherwise, he is rude, and disrespectful. His origanal "go to" quote to me was "its called I dont give a F*** Maid Jane" but his dad did overhear that once so now SS has reworded it to "Im really not to worried about what you think MaidJAne" Essentially telling me where to go and how to get there in nicer terms.
SS refuses to do anything. School work is non exsistant, dad asks him if he has homework, SS always says no and dad doesnt follow up on that. (SS failed his grade 11 year, so is now trying to do 11 and 12 in one)
SS steals fuel, or if there is none to take he will help himself to one of his dads trucks.
SS hasnt brushed his teeth according to my count for 5 months now. ( I clean the bathrooms and his tooth brush and paste havent moved since I bought them for him)
He was asked to do 2 chores, take out the garbage and feed the dogs, he does neither.
he refuses to clean his room, I have to close the door when Im home as it smells so bad.
He refuses to change his clothes, socks, or even wash himself regurlary. It is difficult to have family meals as he smells so bad.
He sits up most nights playing video games until the wee hours. During his summer holidays, he made no attempt for any social interaction at all. He didnt go out with any friend even once.
All of my above "complaints" are not dealt with at all by dad, there are NO repurcussions or punishments given. But he will reward SS for something as mundane as removng his plate from the kitchen table.
SS will literally sit in his room waiting for his dad to come home.
SS will follow his dad everywhere, even when dad is in the bathroom SS will stand there and talk through the door. We have no privacy at all, SS will call his dad a average of 8 to ten times in a day when dad is working.
SS inserts himself into myself and dads social situations to a point that friends dont like to come by as he makes them feel uncomfortable.
I noted signs prior to me moving in that SS has bookmarks of a child on the Autistic Spectrum. He rocks when he is overtired or stimulated, he has no filter, his odd attachment to his dad, his writing is that of a grade 4 or 5 child with letters being reversed, his refusal to wash himself etc.
We have spoken to a counceller who has told us that he belives SS has Aspergers and some borderline personality indicators as well. Dad will do nothing about this possible diagnosis. The counceller was very frank and suggested that with SS, we will have him as a dependent forever and we need to start looking into other living arrangements for him as violence is a possibility. SS did come at his dad this summer but like all other issues, dad said nothing and did nothing. (Bio mom has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, severe gambling, drinking, and drug abuse issues.) Dad wont discuss with me or even our counceller about the severity of this possible mental illness.
Im lost, I dont want to go home after work, I dont want to see SS, and just hearing his voice stirs anger in me. This is not me and it tears me up that I am even capable of feeling this kind of anger towards a child. I am talking to a brick wall at home, but am truely afraid that I am looking at the rest of my life dealing with a dependent adult and a dad who prefers to look at the world through rose coloured glasses.