You are here

Dad makes excuses for his child and I am the bad guy

AmandaM18's picture

Hello! So I have lived with my boyfriend and his son since November of 2017. His mother threw him out of his house because he was always fighting with his stepdad. That was a horrible situation, and I feel bad for him but he is in our house now and I feel that there needs to be certain expectations. All I want from him is to pick up after himself (put his clothes in his room, throw out his garbage, put paperwork in his room, take care of his recycling, pick up his dirty clothes in the bathroom, put his dishes in the dishwasher). He doesn’t even have “regular” chores to help out around the house. I feel like I have to beg my boyfriend to get him to help out. The response I get from him is “he is working full time, and he is going to be going to school.” Am I being unreasonable wanting him to pick up after himself? Last night I made a pile of his stuff to put away on the kitchen table and my boyfriend flipped out and told me I was being an as*&$#@. I feel like he makes excuses for him. My boyfriend says “he is suicidal because of the life he has lived,” however he expects me to set him up with a counselor etc. My boyfriend also tells me that his son “lost his respect” for me because I give his father a hard time about stuff (mostly about stuff that his son is not doing). My boyfriend said that if I keep pushing his son that it is just going to push my boyfriend away. My mother would have thrown my stuff out in the yard if I left it all over the house!! I am dealing with two people in a household with mental health issues and significant trauma and I deal with my own issues, but why should I not have certain expectations to maintain a cleanly house??? 

hereiam's picture

Um, a lot of people, most people, work full time and manage to pick up after themselves.

Your boyfriend is telling you that he doesn't care how you feel about the situation.

It sounds, to me, like neither one of them respects you.

Winterglow's picture

Maybe try it from another angle? Point out that you are teaching him valuable life skills that he will need when he's out on his own and that the younger you start, the easier it is to learn... Make him see that his son can gain by becoming a self-sufficient individual. 

If he still resists, ask him why he wants his son to be useless and dependent.

justmakingthebest's picture

Just open his bedroom door and toss it in. Let it land where it lands and walk away. If your SO won't make someone who is old enough to hold a job, pick his crap up then do it this way. 

I am also a fan of wet clothes that were left in the washing machine when you are trying to use it, being dumped in his bed. Clothes that got left in the dryer should land in the back yard, etc. Be creative. If your SO and SS won't clean up their messes then neither should you. 

Aniki's picture

Have you considered that his mother may have kicked him out, not just for fighting with his stepdad, but because he doesn't pick up after himself (put his clothes in his room, throw out his garbage, put paperwork in his room, take care of his recycling, pick up his dirty clothes in the bathroom, put his dishes in the dishwasher)??

Your relationship is supposed to be a partnership. This sounds more like you''re the mommy with a petulant, lazy child.

Please sit down and make a list of the good AND bad things in this relatonship. Honestly, it sounds like he's getting it all and you're only getting frustrated and upset. WHY do you put up with this caca??

Areyou's picture

When I lived with DH I would never ask Skids to do anything. They like it that way. They hate for us to parent their child. It makes it unbearable for us though.

elkclan's picture

Not me - my son has known my partner for a year. At first we didn't tell each other's kids what to do. But now we make rules for the household (in discussion and back each other up). Sure I get lip from his kids when I tell them what to do, but I get lip from mine, too. They're usually pretty good though. 

ndc's picture

Your boyfriend doesn't seem to give your feelings much consideration.  What you're expecting his son to do are basic things that any person of his age should be able to do IN ADDITION to work and school.  Is he more considerate of your feelings and opinions in other aspects of your relationship?  

Rags's picture

Avoidance, smoke and mirrors, deflection, gaslighting.... your BF is a dipshit and his toxic spawn is following in his footsteps.

Call the locksmith, rekey the locks, problem solved.  While BM likely has some influence in all of this .. the immediate common denominator is your BF. 

You do not need nor do  you want this shallow and polluted gene pool in your life.  Neither the father, nor the son.  At least I hope you don't.

Good luck.

Take care of you.