Boundary issues and disrespesct
Hi - first time poster here!
I'm just going to give the "short version" of the issues as the full whack would be going on for days unfortunately... apologies in advance for the long post.
I had my first child, son, in Sept 2019. Through 10 days at the beginning of my sons life (days 6 - 16) my SD14 was overly involved to the point that I got pushed out from parenting my son and my partner and SD14 was doing it together. She referred to him as "her baby", she would not leave him alone ever, I didnt hold him properly for 10 days lost my ability to produce milk due to lack of skin to skin and postnatal depression caused by what my partner and SD were doing. She decided what he was wearing, I was told to stand back and let her do what she wanted to do before going to my son, any time I got him in my arms she took him back, if I showed reluctance or annoyance my partner got nasty with me, if we left the house she took the pram, the list goes on... after a couple of days I couldnt control how I felt about it and clear anger was expressed so I was treated very, very horribly including being excluded, not spoken to and pushed away from my son. During this time, SD referred to herself as giving my son "mummy cuddles", constantly said he was her baby, even told me what to do and what my son liked when I managed to get near him, sent me into the kitchen to get him a bottle whilst she coddled him, I was cleaning up after everyone and driving people about (my partner cant drive) and basically being a maid. I ended up spending a lot of time out of the house because of how they were making me feel. All of this happened in front of my partner, nothing was ever addressed and my relationship suffered greatly.
After 10 horribly painful days, my SD claimed she was ill (this as I later realised was so that she didnt have to go to school and could stay home all day with my son) so she was told she was not allowed any where near the baby which was an actual BLESSING as I was finally able to be a mother to my son. I told my partner its not ok that SD has held my baby more than me since he was born and that Im constantly being pushed away and cant make any decisions for my own child. He said she was "just excited" and that he had already told her that shes being too obsessive and I said that it doesnt make any of it ok and he stopped the conversation. We had regular checks with the midwife and Health Visitor both of whom I made fully aware of what was hapenning, they were extremely concerned. On one of the visits the Health Visitor addressed what was happening in from of my partner, we had a discussion, my partner was some what quiet but agreed that the behaviour needs to stop and that we were going to have family talks etc. As soon as she left, he then decided I was a liar, that she and he were only trying to help me and I basically became public enemy number one.
Although I didnt let them take my baby away from me any more, my SD continued to refer to my son as her baby and herself as my sons mummy, told me (in front of her dad) that she is his partner to bring up all of his children, said to her dad "hes my baby, I dont even care, he is mine" and my partner just laughed it off,. I once picked up my son and said "you're my beautiful baby" just being generally affectionate, SD walked through the room as I did this and said "really, I thought he was mine". I just ignored it as if I had addressed it I would have lost my shit. After 3 months, my partner and I had a big heated discussion and I said I was ready to leave after everything that they had done and continue to do. The above is only part of the disrespect and cruelty that was shown. He finally acknowledged what had happened wasnt ok and said he was going to address it. Flash forward to 8 months and it still hadn't been dealt with and we still have issues day in and day out. Up until yesterday my SD was constantly checking on me and my son, so I started closing the door so that she couldnt and lost my temper with my partner and told him it was disgusting that he has left things like this and its not ok. He said that he wants to address it, he doesnt know how and he has an issue with confrontation because of his ex (he never has an issue addressing SS11's behaviour so I was confused by this but supportive and understanding). Whilst I was out of the house, he told me that he was finally speaking to SD about it, I had previously told him I wanted to be involved in the conversation as I am the parent, I am relevant and this behaviour was towards me, I wanted to understand why it was done. But I understood that he wanted to talk through it with her and explain that it was his fault for letting it happen and doing the things that he did.
I came home, SD hasn't even spoken to me let alone apologised, she interacted with my son and partner as normal like nothing has been said, noone has spoken to me about what has been discussed and noone has apologised, acknoweledged the matter or anything. I feel sick with anger and I really just dont know what to do anymore. I had addressed this with my partner over and over and over and over and over again along with the other disrespectful and hurtful things they have both done to or towards me. I am afraid to ever address his daughters behaviour with her directly because of the things my partner has said to me and the way I have been treated after reacting to her behaviour in the past. I'm honestly at a loss, he obviously feels like he has dealt with the matter but surely he doesnt think that this is ok? Is it just me?
Sorry again for the long post.
I would have been out of
I would have been out of there as soon as I could after the baby's birth. It isn't too late and you'd have the backing of the midwife and health visitor for custody. Don't stand for this any more - this could be the rest of your life ... You are on your way to being alienated from your son...
Where is your SD's mother?
I'm childless by choice but
I'm childless by choice but if someone stood in the way of my primal bonding time with my child, I think I'd lose it. I don't have to be a mother to understand that everything you described is sick and twisted. Your SD is a mini-wife and is trying to be a mini-mother. Who the hell does that little $hit think she is and why is your DH allowing it? Argh! Makes me so mad!
How bizarre. Take your baby
How bizarre. Take your baby and leave for a while until he realizes that you are serious (or preferably, forever). I have to say - you need to stand up for yourself and your child. If DH won't do it, next time she does anything like this, YOU say something. Loudly and clearly, so she is clear how inappropriate it is.
You have a DH problem. I
You have a DH problem. I think you really need to leave. Not only is your SD's behavior concerning, but I also have to wonder about your treatment by DH. If he is saying things to you that are so nasty that you are afraid to confront him, then it sounds like you are being subjected to emotional abuse. Also, I am taken back that your DH isn't more concerned with his daughter's obsession with your baby. It does not sound normal or healthy.
You need to stand up for yourself and your baby. If you will not leave then you must defend yourself and your child. You shouldn't tiptoe around SD, confront her directly if your DH won't. If you are too scared to do that, then you need to evaluate your relationship and figure out why you don't feel safe to set boundaries for your own child.
Welcome to the site!
To say I find this bizarre is an understatement. If anyone had tried to come between me and my newborn I think I would have physically attacked them. I found your whole story immensely disturbing and the one saving grace was that you said that after 3 months you were thinking of leaving. I do think you should seriously consider this, because the whole thing is beyond sick.
Oh hun... i can see how you have post natal depression from this
how could you not??
i remember when my sd’s whom my kids met when my kids were 1 & 2.5 yrs old (sd’s cut off contact for 5+ yrs with my hubby because of alienation), suddenly sdma acted as miniwives walking side by side with my husband pushing the twin stroller (which i would tell my husband to wait a minute so i could put baby wipes in the stroller and then walk next to my husband so they were forced to walk behind), telling me what they would do with my kids no matter how inappropriate (to which i would respond with a long condescending NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!)
it took barely 4 months before i snapped at my husband and told him how effed up it was, how effed up inappropriate and disgusting his kids were being acting all wifey. I’m pretty sure i told hubby from now on how about going to your daughters for sex since they’re you’re miniwives!! It was only then hubby actually realised what had been happening and was so repulsed that he did tell off eldest sd late last yr that she doesn’t just get to rock up in hubbys life a d act like she is my kids mummy, they have a mummy and it is me and i make the decisions as i am the primary carer and hubby will support and stand by them. Sd doesn’t get to tell me what to do
just so you know, i was in tesrs at 5 weeks post delivery with my 1st born just before hubby had to go to work. Thats the result of being treated as an inconvenience by your husband, your almost adult ss treating you as his personal bitch maid (even told his dad it was my job as a stay at home housewife to do that), funnily enough his own mum was a housewife who did diddly squat at home... my husband panicked that morning just before leaving to work. I was tired and had slept a grand 2 hours over 2 days and had a severely colicky baby.... and all my husband did was complain how our baby interrupted his sleep.
He messaged me from work thinking i was depressed from not leaving the house as asian people after giving birth tend to have a 1-1.5 month confinement period at home with bubs. It didn’t take long for all my anger at hubby and ss to come out. Pretty sure i said eff you to my husband but he deserved it. When I brought up all the issues of ss and how he treated me at home, hubby was onto him immediately and told him to clean his mess and it wasn’t my job. Ss responded with it was my job and he didn’t know he had to clean his dirty dishes.
We have come a long way from that and hubby was more hands on when our son was born....
you are being abused by sd and your partner... you do realize that right?? Your partner needs to be told to address this immediately right now!!! No excuses or “oh the poor skids cod bullsh*t!! He mans up and deals with it. Hell no would any partner of mine tell me as the mother of my baby that i listen to sd.
Only 1 uterus was home to that baby during pregnancy, 1 vagina or stomach birthed that baby... its not sd!! Its YOU!!! If sd wants to be a mummy so much, she can do her time and wait her turn... until then she can eat rocks for all i care!!
Your son having quality mummy time is #1, not sd playing fake mummy like he’s a doll!!
Time to contract with a
Time to contract with a moving company, pack your stuff and move out of state immediately with your baby. Get temp custody in your new state and inform DH that he can visit you and your son but that his daughter will not be tolerated in proximity to you or your son.
DH can certainly fight you in it but once you are out of state your advantage will be significant.
I am shocked beyond description that your DH is such a POS failed husband, man and father that his failed prior family breeding experiment is tolerated at all much less that he facilitates her toxic crap.
He can't drive.. is the car
He can't drive.. is the car in your name alone ?
If so consult a lawyer or your local state laws and high tail it baby in tow. He'll learn reallll quick how hard life is without you.
And then you can either see if he wants to change or just divorce. I'd personally divorce someone who let their daughter assume my role in such a creepy way
This reads like the plot of a
This reads like the plot of a really twisted Lifetime movie. Your partner is a really horrible partner and father. No wonder he ended up a single dad. I too wonder where The skids mother is. Did he alienate her from her kids, too? I hate to make a joke but if you leave with the car, he will likely find his a$$ stuck at home and unable to follow you. I think you should build your case against him so you can get as much custody and CS as possible. Hopefully the midwife and health visitor can be witnesses for you. Can anyone else, such as a friend or family member?
A lot of us on this site have put up with a lot in relationships but this, this is messing with your baby. Get the hell out of there.
SD's behavior is not normal
SD's behavior is not normal - she is 14, not 4. A young girl might refer to the baby a "mine" - but a 14 year old is old enough to know that is not even remotely true. Your DH should have stopped this, but it is obvious he is not going to take care of the problem. You need to immediately move out. Maybe that will be enough to bring DH to his senses and he will make the necessary changes. If not, stay gone.
Wow
It looks like your SO is going to give you attitude regardless of how you address the issue. If you put SD in her place and he gets upset, at least you will have the comfort of knowing you did not allow her to dominate you, your son, nor your rights as a mother. Furthermore, I would NOT want my son growing up and thinking you deserve to be disrespected. That's exactly what will happen if this behaviour continues.
Whoa. This is the worst mini
Whoa. This is the worst mini-wife I've ever read about on ST. She's claiming your baby???? Heck no! Take your power back and take control of this situation. Your DH is a jerk. I'd also get SD into therapy because she is one messed up kid.
I would have pointed put how
I would have pointed put how sick and wrong her assertions were the first time she uttered that nonsense. "You are claiming you had a baby with your DAD?!?! What on Earth is wrong with you?!? Do you think incest is cool? Do you want everyone to think your dad has sex with you?!? You BOTH are sick in the head for playing this gross 'dad had a baby with his daughter' game."
Then I'd drop the mic, take my baby and leave.