Boundaries with Teenage Stepson who has moved out
Our 15 year old SS recently moved out after a few months of conflict resulting from trouble at school. He was suspended from school and DH implemented consequences that only held when he was in our home (half of each week). The consequence was loss of his phone, but each time he left he was allowed to use it in his other house. The conflict escalated and SS felt the rule in our house wasn't fair. He moved to his other house full time and gave my DH the silent treatment. He eventually agreed to meet with DH but only with his mother present (and refused to meet with me). He gave reasons why he didn't want to live with us. Feeling double teamed (I have intentionally never been involved directly in the parenting but he does understand that we talk about it behind the scenes), Not liking DH correcting his behaviour, Not liking that he doesn't feel trusted (after very concerning behaviour that got him suspended from school), Not liking me or wanting a relationship with me. The school has not held back on indicating their concerns around his needs for power and control and the disrespect he shows adults.
A full month passed without any contact from him with the exception of agreeing to meet his dad at a restaurant after multiple requests from DH (understandably he wants to maitain the relaitonship). SS decided he would particpate in my extended family Christmas without any conversation with me and showed up for the event. We have a week long holiday booked at a resot for next week for our family of 7 and he is wanting to come along with us. We are a little confused why he would want to come when he doesn't like or want to live with us and we feel he is picking the benefits of our family without participating in the culture or relationship building.
We are really struggling with the right thing to do in this situation. He has indicated he doesn't want a relaitonship with me (I have been in his life for 10 years) and have tried with letters, being involved. being less involved, going to his events, giving him space; but he still has no interest. There is a history between his mother (and grandmother) and I. I believe he (and his sister - SD) is affected by the unspoken (on my part) tensions.
Has anyone had any experience with a situation like this?
No experience with this, but
No experience with this, but I would say that if he doesn't want to have a relationship with you, then he doesn't get the perks of your family.
Or, look at it this way: don't ruin your family's holiday by bringing along a kid who has done enough questionable things as to get kicked out of school. That's not fair to them.
Yes.
That the luxury of having two homes. Sk can play everyone against each other. And if they dont like the rules in one home they run to the other. When theres something good going on like in your case a family hoilday they rock up on the doorstep like nothing happened at all. He wants to ingore you fine do the same. Because when they get to teenagers it turns in to a war zone and step mum is the main enemy because she is the one person out of everyone who will not take there shit and has nothing to lose. By saying the truth calling everyone out on there bullshit. Welcome to the step teenage years. Me and my SD 17 havent spoken to each other in 3 years without it being a shouting match or just everyday questions as she passes from her room to the kitchen or front door like what for dinner?? What time you gonna be home? Have you rang your dad? Is dad home? Have you got your key? Can I eat this? When no one is happy with a answer with the subject of question being asked theres a fight. She run into her room slams the door we dont see her again till she needs food or water. This is our daily interaction. Friggin wonderful life.
If SS will not talk or interact with you
Why take him on a vacation? To cause trouble, to disrespect you in front of other people. If he doesn't want to play nice, he doesn't get to go. I would not spend money on a kid who does not talk to me. Just say NO to SS going.
3 Days to Go ...
Thanks all! Yes, I wish it were that easy. We have lived together for 8 years, with loads of history and family vacationing. I do wish for a healthy relationship however it doesn't look like I have control over that. I also hope my DH can have a relationship with his son.
I agree with you all. His ticket is non-refundable and paid for which at this time I would rather forfeit the money then have him along. We asked him to meet with us to have a conversation about the trip and he refuses to meet to talk with me. He is willing to speak to his dad though. He says he just wants to go and have fun and be nice on his own terms. This will be the legacy narrative that will forever demonize us, because he will never see any fault. Not really interested in giving into a power struggle with a teenager. Kinda sets the tone for the rest of the relationship and also don't want to throw a hope at a relationship away.
I know I need to stand firm. I never anticipated parenting could be this heart wrenching.
He is disrespectful to you
Why would you want to go on vacation that you paid for and be disrespected by SS. He can stay home with his mother and think about his missed vacarion
No way
Would I invite someone who doesn't want to participate as part of our family or acts like a total a$$hole and gets kicked out of school? Hell no!
we were visiting my H's family which is a couple states over from ours. From there we had a trip planned for us and the 2 wretched SDs in San Diego.
Due to both of their bullshit behaviors, my H cancelled the trip to San Diego. I was actually very proud of him getting the balls to not reward these two jerks.
So now, the older SD is allegedly still going on a band trip to Disneyworld during the week of my H's 50th bday. So H scheduled a cruise and is letting the younger SD bring a friend so we don't have to put up with her attitude and her bs. (This is the one who has been going thru my house without notice and not apologizing to me for her behavior. She also is pissed at dad because she says our house is embarrassing and too far away from her friends to come over)
So the younger twit starts giving shit again and even though the BM, H and the BM's boy toy (who gave up his own kids many years ago) told her to apologize to me for her behaviors and crap she's been doing to me... she hasn't. So H grew some balls and cancelled the cruise.
The amazing thing is that she had the nerve to call her dad and demand that he owes her a trip of her choice because he has cancelled several due to their behavior.
The only trip he owes them is to an institution or a juvenile detention center.
We do not and will not reward this shitty ass behavior.
Resolved
We met with him and he continued to refuse to speak to us. He was angry he needed to talk to me and didn't like being confronted on the fact he doesn't like me.
He told his dad he wants him out of his life.
Sounds like his mom is going to take him on a trip now to compensate for his lost trip to a southern sun resort.
Well let his BM deal with the
Well let his BM deal with the monster she created. You and DH and other kids go on the vacation and enjoy.