BM wanted us to apologize
So yesterday we got a text message from BM along the lines of "SD doesn't think she is allowed in your home anymore please call her and explain that she is allowed in your home and also have "ME" address calling her a cunty bitch"
My DH contacted SD and explained that she is his daughter she is allowed in our home, she is family but her actions the other day were 100% unacceptable and that will not be allowed in his home" Then I sent a simple "I want to apologize for how I handled myself on Sunday, we talk a lot about managing anger and not acting out and I did not lead a good example"
DH said that both BM and SD need to give us an apology for all the shit they cause daily.
I worry now that SD will use me at the excuse not to come to our house anymore, I don't really care if I see her again but DH as much as he is pissed off at her, still it's his kid. She has held BM's relationship with her boyfriend for hostage for the last couple years because she refuses to allow this guy in their home or spend time with him when she is home. What if the little bitch starts trying to manipulate our home. I don't believe that DH would put up with it, and in all honesty if it comes down to me or his daughter he has already stated he would choose me (I never would ask him to do so) because his daughter will grow up and most likely be estranged because she is an asshole and he and I are forever. (if I can survive this)
When I talked to DH about
When I talked to DH about this last night I stated I felt really shitty for lossing my cool with SD, and he was like "It's understandable, how much provoking can one person take" I am very lucky to have a supportative man, I don't have a Disney Dad situation, he sees things as they are and isn't afraid to face the fact that his daughter is out of control and he is doing all he can do as the non-custoidal parent (even if she spends 50% of the week at our home)
Glad you DH is supportive
The first 3-4 years of our Marriage, my skids were horrible beasts. They would act terrible and BM would encourage it. DH has no spine with them and I would just become enraged. However, I knew if I ever lost my cool and blasted them like I wanted to, the whole mess would then be my fault and forever I would be to blame for their estrangment. So I disengaged. Like major disengagement! I refused to be around them without DH. I refused to communicate with them unless they initiated it! I was a ghost to them. Seen but never heard. I did nothing for them, never drive them places, bought them things or cared. (None of this includes YSS as he isn’t like the older two)
Well Oss and MSS ended up being PASd out in quick order and none of it was placed on my shoulders. DH knee why I disengaged and he also now understands the skids are manipulative monsters. I backed out of their lives just so DH could see the true actions of his kids and those actions had nothing to do with me.
trust me it is not easy. I still get livid when one of them pops their head out of BMs butt long enough to be nasty to DH. But I refuse to engage with them. It does no good and you will be used as a scapegoat for all the ills of the relationship with the kids.
Its been years now and I can honestly say I am proud of my ability to keep it together. I struggled at first and even slipped and made some comments early on I shouldn’t have said. But once you learn to withdraw from the chaos it is so much better for your sanity
That's exactly it, now I feel
That's exactly it, now I feel I have lost my footing. I was the cool, calm, and rational one and I lost my shit with her the other night. I feel crappy about my own actions. I feel like BM now has something to look down on me about, something to point to that isn't her. I feel like I lost where my power I hold, and not power as in over people but power as in being strong, supporative, and able to handle whatever shit comes my way. Apparently I have hit the limit. I feel shitty about my actions more than what I said to SD.
If you called your coworker a
If you called your coworker a bitch, would you apologize? If it was your sister or your friend?
I would tell SD that I am sorry I lost my cool and called her that, but that her behavior needs to change going forward. I'd have DH be part of the discussion, and be sure that he didn't tolerate SD minimizing what she has been doing or playing the victim.
Adults can apologize to kids - it doesn't diminish your authority if you take ownership for bad behavior. You can't ask kids to take ownership for their behavior while the adults are saying that they are free to do whatever they want when they are mad.
I'm not staying to do it because BM wants you to, that's irrelevant. But if she called you a bitch, I bet you'd want an apology.
ETA: apparently I missed that you have apologized to her. So then, ignore BM.
I would have apologized
I would have apologized anyways but more in person than text message. I always own my shit and I try to lead by example of being accountable for my own actions. I had planned to talk to her in person when she comes back to our house on Monday but BM was saying she didn't feel that we wanted her there and she needed to hear something sooner.
The longer it takes to
The longer it takes to apologize the more they build up anger and resentment towards you and better to get it over with!
I liked that - been on my
I liked that - been on my mind, any other relationship one would apologize. Also needed to hear it doesn’t diminish your authority.
It’s your DH kid, but you can not be door Matt
Either DH. Does something or disengage from SD. As SD is only around when DH can parents her. Cook for her, clean up after her. Ect.ect. You Do the old sitting on the couch eating popcorn and watch it unfold
Apologizing
i had lost my temper at my SS friend staying with us, my SS said if she goes I go (to his BM). Tried to talk with him and DH but I wasn’t calm and he had his back up because of his twisted relationship with her. I couldn’t apologize that day. My DH also told me not to but it’s what to be done. nIt’s been eating me up since. I have two to come up with. I’m thinking the less said the better - the point being just to apologize. My husband is hurt his son left. I can’t let my pride or results of my temper ruin their relationship let alone ours. The SS will never connect with me really as his lifestyle and views of the world are vastly different from ours. Reading everyone’s comments has encouraged me to do it already. In any relationship if you screw up you should be able to apologize and move forward. If the apology is not accepted that’s on the other party. The SS has been horrible to me at times and never apologizes so I know how it feels.