Another "Week on" with SD16 - anyone else 50/50? Advice please.
Hello there. So here I am in my customary fortnightly cycle getting ready for the Friday afternoon of the "bad week" in our 50/50 lives. SD16 turning up. Last 2 weeks she was here, she did a lot of splitting behaviours. She was successful to some extent because it caused arguments and division. She would speak to her dad only or ring her dad at work (5 minutes after I leave the house) about an arrangement for that night for example and then he forgets to tell me but has to cancel our night out etc etc. She knows exactly what she is doing and I am sure gets coaching from BM. I feel like my DH thinks it is my issue for reacting "Its not that bad." "She just this..." "She just that....".
Does anyone else have advice in a similar cycle? Mentally I prepare and disengage with varying degrees of success. I think DH drags me in but i am determined to not engage this week.
ps I do not believe it is appropriate for a clueless career focussed dad to have 50/50 custody of a manipulative teenage girl whose mother does not work. What is wrong with the law and society? Do you know who made the decision in the process? a 13 year old girl? Does anyone else see that is nuts? I feel like fundamentally the damage was done in that process and living with daddy 50% of the time. You know for one year she did not go out once except with daddy. Crazy irresponsible parenting. Mostly just clueless but why am I now picking up the pieces?
I need a break. I have a 4 year old so cannot escape.
Advice welcome please.
I really don't have much
I really don't have much experience with the SP thing, having just become a SM this year. When she forces DH to cancel your night out, have you considered keeping your plans and going alone? Or is that just what SD wants? uninterrupted time with BD?
I'm with Sue. I'm
I'm with Sue. I'm confused.
Parents have EQUAL responsibility to their children, regardless of their work schedule. :? If so, that makes NO sense, and there isn't anything "wrong" with the legal system that gave the parents 50/50 custody.
Your SD calls her father when you're not home. So what? It's on YOUR DH to relay that conversation. Don't get mad at her.
We have a week on week off
We have a week on week off regulation with SD 7.BM and SO kind of decided that- I was officially 'asked" but didn't really have a say.We always had her 50% , but it wasn't like the 7 days in a row.
I think in your case it is hard because everything seems to revolt around SD and even date nights are cancelled!!! I would be totally pissed.
And, yeah, yeah, yeah,I know, it is the "right thing"to say these days that the dads should be having their children at equal times as the moms......Imo it may work sometimes, but also doesn't work in many cases....I don't care if I make (maybe slightly feministic??)people get upset with me saying this, but I believe that in many cases the moms should be and stay he prime care givers, simply because it is mainly them who stay with the children when they are young.I have my kids my children 75% off the time and I think it works better- dad is a good dad, but he has a very challenging career , almost always forgets to do their homeworks,doesn't remind them to put on clean clothing at times etc etc....a long list.This doesn't make him a horrible dad, but maybe not the ideal prime care giver.So why would I ask him to take on the kids 50% and basically know that his nice gf would be used to have to look after them (3 kids)and do all the chores that he doesn't do or can't do?????
I work my own business and that is designed around school hours, mornings and some nights are work, the rest is for making sure the family life works well.Exhb gives me and SO some good breaks, which we need and appreciate.
I think it is nicer and life would be easier when the kids have one home where they stay most of the time...and shot me, guys, I can take it today, lol- most of the times I think it should be the mom, unless she is incapable:)))))))
We have a situation where
We have a situation where every second week SD, 13 at the time had to sit at the school library from 3.15pm to 5.10pm whilst Dad and I have to rush from work and then work late at night to make sure we pick up. My problem is SD could have been in the comfort of her mum's house with her mum home, and we could pick her up later. I have friends who manage it that way and it is so much better for the children. On school holidays we have had weeks where she is here with me rather than her mum. I would like to feel that my son would to be able to be with his mum rather than his step mum if I was home on holiday. I am respecting that relationship as a priority one over the step parent relationship. They are my values. I also think teenage girls are well suited to having a high degree of emotional support, guidance and rules from their Mum with a good back up of support and confidence building from Dad.
SD should not wait until 5 minutes after I leave the house to call her dad at work about plans for that night affecting our household and our date night. Agree though she should be able to call her dad at work especially where there is something important. Agree that DH should have told me but he was also stuck in meetings all afternoon and left me a message. So we are back to the challenges of 2 busy people when mum was at home and available.
Mum in this case said "I only fought you on 50/50 because I was going for the jugular on the money. If SD wants it you can have 50/50 now." This was after the money was sorted. I just don't get that. It is so foreign to me. Just reaching out really on this site as to whether anyone else prefers that the children are not used as pawns. I find it hard l to be around it and the daughter's mixed up feelings. DH is a good person but he is clueless at raising a teenage girl like a lot of men.
I also am going to be brave and say lots of children and family situations would be better suited to children having one primary base especially if that parent is a good person and has more availability. It is just common sense to me and lets face it how the majority of families operate.
As for not talking about a teenager's tricks. Totally agree with that good advice. It is just not worth it. I also do not blame her, she is just being a teenage girl with some extra power and she is using it. Totally natural. The parent is the responsible person. Next time I will just go out.
When we have a date night I will not talk about any of it. Good advice.
Freshstart, yesss, that is
Freshstart, yesss, that is what I mean.I take the kids also on EXhb's care days after school , feed them , do the homework and get them ready to be picked up by him when he finishes work, no big deal though I wish he would appreciate it since of course any CSA is based on nights only, but the well being of the kids is more important.The alternative would be them catching the bus after school, not eating anything proper before late and nobody helping them with homework.
As a parent I respect what
As a parent I respect what you are doing. You are right on track with your care for your children. They would feel secure and loved. Also it is a big deal. I think my DH's ex has worked out there is no extra money in it so cannot be bothered. I would beg to be able to do that on the days I could. Picking up from school and helping with the homework and being able to chat to a parent after school when needed. My memory is that was all very important. I remember my Dad was unemployed for a while and he did the pick up and homework and that was great too. It's not really a sexist thing for me, just if you can offer time with one parent who is home, why not?
I totally agree if one parent
I totally agree if one parent is more available than the other. It makes total sense.
As a mother if I were to have to have shared custody I would want ANY extra time I could with my child. As a stepparent also, I would rather not spend student free days or school holidays with just SD when she could be with BM & Im sure SD would rather spend the time with BM than me. SD doesn't come to our place to visit me or for me, it's for DH. If DH is working or whatever & BM isn't & would like to spend more time with SD I think it's more than sensible & good for everyone involved.
Unfortunately SD's BM is not interested in any extra time with SD which I can't understand.
I also agree that one stable home where a majority of the time is spent is a more settled situation. 50/50 works well for some kids, they handle the constant transfer well but others would benefit more from one household being the main care giver & the other say EOW. This is hard for the parents though as I can only imagine that each would want the majority of custody. It's a hard one.
Thankyou for understanding. I
Thankyou for understanding. I get that each situation is different and I am trying not to be judgemental. It's more that I am in shock a lot of the time and out of my depth. Why all the games and the priority for money over a child?
Your situation sounds a lot like mine. BM does not want to do the extra time even when she can. SD wants only Dad. Dad is at work a lot and very busy right now. Everything is out of kilter. BM is a stay at home mum who does not need to parent 50% of her life and does not want to. Me juggling work and a 4 year old and then stuck on student free days and holidays with resentful SD.
SD just arrived. I rang her
SD just arrived. I rang her to let her know I will come up and let her in because she had forgotten her key. She was so cold and unhappy on the phone and in person. I remained calm and polite and asked how her study was going etc. She warmed up a bit but this is not easy. I know I have to be the adult and be calm. I value the time off work for my son but feel both DH and BM are getting away with all this. One building a career whilst mine meanders along and one putting her feet up in her free house and $500/week. Ok so I am starting to be a little bit angry and resentful.
Ranting I know.
It really should never come
It really should never come down to money grabbing or anything besides what's in the child's best interests! It's revolting how people can put money or their own social lives in front of the child's well being. The child was brought into the world to be loved (99% of the time) & just because a divorce happens does not mean you should not have the same love & want for your child! I don't & never will understand how a biological parent could put themselves first in such a big way.
That's really sad that your BM has the free time but not the desire to spend more with your SD. It's obvious your SD would like to be spending that time with her BM & not being rude to you but that's only normal, who would rather be with their SP than their BM? (Well there would be some situations but you know what I mean).
I understand you would feel resentful that its easy for both BM & DH to have you look after SD & they use that. Maybe you could try pointing out that it seems SD is a bit resentful she has to spend that time with you & would prefer to spend it with one of her parents? I guess your kind of stuck though if DH is working & BM won't want to take her for any time aside from her 50/50. Try not to let BM's free ride get to you. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to change that & the more you let it eat you the worse you will feel resentful towards her & spending your time, thoughts & emotions on her SO isn't worth it - or going to change anything. Just believe in karma & hopefully BM will not always be on a free ticket.
Good luck, I hope something works out for all of you!