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Amazing how much screwing up can occur in 4 months

RisingtheWave80's picture

So it has been just over 4 months since SD has been in our home. I am not sure if DH is still reaching out as much, I try hard not to make our home and time all about talking about SD and BM. So occasionally unless he tells me something I ask if anything new has transpired because I worry about his mental health and holding onto things because he doesn't want to burdon me.

I sometimes wonder if SD realizes that we are connected on Instagram, and Pintrest and I see her post. My concern about her now is exactly what I thought would transpire. She seems to have a new boyfriend, he drives a car, they are saying "I Love you" on social media and he has a BEARD. SD just turned 14 in August and is a VERY immature 14 year old but looks much older than her years. She is tall, curvy and wears enough makeup to make the Kardashian's look bare faced. She has a boyfriend who stated he went to an area high school in 2013! I know that can be a lie because kids lies about their age to gain access to social media earlier but he is CERTAINLY not a peer of hers agewise. I mentioned it to DH and he didn't say anything about it so then I shouldn't worry but it's amazing how things get worse in so little time, 4 months and I don't even reconize who SD is anymore with her choices and mostly because she can get away with whatever she wants under BM's roof.

I really hope BM has her on birthcontrol - le sigh

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

That is so scary! I hope that your SD is on birth control, too! Yikes! It’s crazy how 14 year olds now are like 18 year olds a decade ago. If I had my way, all of my kids would stay far, far away from the opposite gender until after college! LOL! Smile

RisingtheWave80's picture

BM encourages this type of relationship for her, last year I spent a lot of talking with Sd about the importance of handling her own shit, doing well in school, growing her tribe of female friends etc. But she tends to lose friends rather quickly and relies on attention from boys.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

My DH and I already know that the useless BM is going to be like that with SD. At the age of five, BM had SD in crop tops, booty shorts and wearing red lipstick. SMH!

RisingtheWave80's picture

The few times DH has brought up her non-age appropriate clothing he gets a response like "All the kids are wearing that, she needs to fit in" or another version of bullshit. She sexualizes her young daughter and has allowed for it as long as SD knew what makeup was.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

She needs to fit in? Wow! That’s stupid. Useless BM’s reason was, “It looks cute.” No, it doesn’t. A five year old going to the pumpkin patch dressed like a cheap, rebellious teenager is not cute.

ESMOD's picture

My YSD was wearing fish nets and gogo boots at 6 or 7.  I remember hearing that her granny let her wear them to church..lol.  She didn't get it from "my" house.. I do think some of it was because she had a 4 year older sister...   I do think that BM encouraged the girls to dress "pretty" because she liked to wear her girls like an accessory.  Luckilly the younger one was not her favorite as much because she wasn't as pretty as her older sister... so mama ignored her more.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Sounds like an appropriate outfit for church. LOL! That’s sad about BM wearing her kids like accessories and her ignoring the child that was “less pretty.” SD is going to be very pretty and her useless BM is the type of person that is going to be super jealous about it! Lol

GrabitAndGo's picture

Check out the book "Stop Dressing Your 6 Year Old Like a Skank!" by Celia Rivenbark.  It's hilarious!

tog redux's picture

4 months after my SS was alienated entirely at age 15, he ended up in the psych unit for 10 days. Alienation is damaging to kids, whether they realize it or not (they don't, until they are much, much older).

RisingtheWave80's picture

it just keeps getting worse and DH feels helpless. The best place for SD would be out of her mothers house but it would be a cold day in hell before she would ever agree to be in our home and if she was she would make our lives a living hell. She runs her mothers house, what she says goes. She knows that isn't how it is in our home.

tog redux's picture

I know that feeling well. It's best to come to peace with your inability to control any of this.

My SS19 is still living with BM and totally dependent on her. He's a liar and a bullshitter, and he is doing absolutely nothing with his life, and she supports that. Her house was always the place he could do whatever he wanted - why would he choose rules and structure over that?

At some point the acceptance that this child is lost will set in. I don't believe DH will ever have anything other than a superficial relationship with SS - BM's influence is too powerful.

RisingtheWave80's picture

Its all so sad really. I just know what opportunities SD would have in our home versus BM's but she won't even reply to her father's text messages and if she does they are shitty responses. I am working towards the understanding that I have no control but it sucks so bad for DH whenever a sliver of good news comes his way he thinks that all this will change and he will get his daughter back. I don't see her returning to our home, maybe at best he will get some time with her in the future. It all breaks my heart

tog redux's picture

I remember cleaning out SS's room after he PAS'd out, and thinking - he will never spend another night here, and that was almost 5 years ago. He hasn't. He is back in our lives, and he's not nasty to DH anymore - but he's still completely enmeshed with BM.

DH still gets sad over who he thinks SS could have become if he had raised him. And he is disappointed in him. But mostly he's come to some sense of peace about it. 

RisingtheWave80's picture

I hope DH gets there and honestly SD's room is already a guest room with a few of her things there. She took anything that mattered and wasn't bought by myself or DH the last time she left here. I don't see her ever sleeping in our home again. We are planning the building of our new home in the next few years which will be much smaller because DH was not and is not the primary parent post divorce and if SD has her way she will stay with mom who will cave to every demand.

Aniki's picture

BioHo 'allowed' SDthen14 to lose her virginity AT HOME with a 24yo man. Why? Aside from the fact that 'Ho is a POS masquerading as a parent, 'Ho wanted SD to be able to enjoy it. Yeah. Anyone else want to vomit?

I imagine 'Ho will do the same nasty thing for Spawn. The girl is 12 and dresses like she's 20. She wears more makeup in one day than I do in one month. Her hair is professionally dyed and she gets salon manicures every 2 weeks. She has been wearing skintight short-shorts since she was FOUR. I would not be at all surprised if she is already on BCP.

'Ho doesn't want to parent - never has. Her children are an extension of her narc self and she wants to be her daughters' BEST FRIEND! No idea why 'Ho does not have any friends her own age.....

Rags's picture

Did DH file statutory rape charges against th 24yo and accessory charges against BM?

Those people would be in prison if SD were my daughter and on the child sexual preditor list for life never to be emplyed or live within danger distance to a child.

Continuously ruining their lives would be my life long hobby.

That little girl lost the mother lottery that is for sure.

Aniki's picture

We've had this discussion. Smile

DH did not know about it until years later. SD was, by then, of age. NO way SD or 'Ho would ever admit it or give the guy's name (or if it was his real name).

All five of 'Ho's children lost the mother lottery. 

Rags's picture

Scratch one-s head

 

Forgive my aging memory.

 

 

Aniki's picture

LOL, no problem! *drinks*

Believe me, had DH known about this at the time, he would have been like a bull in a china shop. Sadly, SD23 is a mini BioHo. I've seen that coming since I met her. It's quite likely, should SD23 have the misfortune to breed, she would do the same effed up thing for HER unfortunate child. :(

RisingtheWave80's picture

What is with these grownups trying to be friends with their kids. Doesn't she realize that only a predator of an adult would have sex with a young teen minor? Gross.

BM is gone a LOT of the time and if this kid is driving, what is happening? SD has a lot of emotional and behavioral issues and is not in a place that she could even possibly tell a boy/guy no if she didn't want to have sex with them. She is not ready mentally to be sexually active but BM keeps pimping out her 14 year old.

RisingtheWave80's picture

My SD has been getting manicures since she was 3, and arcylics since she was 11 and professional hair coloring for years. BM treats her like a mini version of her.

GrabitAndGo's picture

When I was growing up a manicure consisted of my older sister painting my fingernails.  I thought Fantastic Sam's gave great haircuts!!!

RisingtheWave80's picture

Right?!?! But here is SD with a brand new set of acrylics every week. I cannot afford that not sure how BM can?

GrabitAndGo's picture

BM probably thinks physical appearances are more important than, oh, paying the electric bill.  

RisingtheWave80's picture

You hit the nail on the head, she is late with payments, didn't pay her rent for 3 months last year but as soon as she got a bonus check from work she brought SD to NYC and bought her a $260 sweatshirt.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Acrylics on very young girls is definitely popular now, which I find repulsive. I don’t even get acrylics! LOL! I don’t like how they damage your real nails or how fake they look. I know a lot of people do like acrylics, but those people should be adults. SMH.

RisingtheWave80's picture

So talking with a friend and showing her this guys FB and Instagram she is like "That is my friends daughters friend" and she continued to slooth. He is 23 years old, has a girlfriend and here he is talking up my 14 year old SD "I love you" and "I Love you too" on Instagram. He needs to leave her the hell alone.