18-year-old SD with severe mental illness is pregnant - my marriage is struggling
I feel like my world is crumbling around me. We found out about 4 weeks ago that my 18-year-old step-daughter is pregnant. Her boyfriend is barely 18 and hasn't even graduated high school. Neither of them have ever had a real job, or paid for anything (they don't even pay for their own cell phones, car insurance, etc.).
My SD lives most of the time with her biological mom, but they have major issues. My SD is also clinically depressed and on anti-depressants. She spends most of her day (and I mean literally 18+ hours) on her cell phone. She has a "job" one day a week. She is so depressed she sleeps all the time and doesn't eat. She came to visit this past weekend, and refused to even have conversations about reality with her dad (my husband)... she just screamed at him and ran out of the car while he was trying to pick her up from a friend's house to go talk.
I have two young children (ages 4 and 6) and honestly, I am freaking out about needing to protect them and their future. My husband vows that my SD will never live with us, but when I ask him, "What will you do if she shows up at the front door with an infant?" he doesn't really say anything.
I love my husband and I don't want to lose him, but I need advice. I have started stockpiling my savings, and trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to do whatever I have to do if this situation tanks.
I feel so alone all the time as a step-mother so I am so grateful to discover this forum.
Yep, you listed most of my
Yep, you listed most of my reasons. She is troubled and has no concept of responsibility. There is constant conflict when she is here. And adding an infant to the mix? Holy crap.
She is incapacitated by her
She is incapacitated by her depression, and she has zero grasp on reality. She doesn't even have a job. So, I'm concerned that if she does get desperate and has to live with us, I'll be taking care of her baby. She is not responsible. She spends all her time on her phone and has never paid a bill in her life.
My SO's adopted daughter put
My SO's adopted daughter put her 6 week old infant into his arms and told him she didn't want to be a mother. She left. SO raised SGD for 8 years ...
_____
Keep in mind that at any time, SD & new baby may move in to your home. Your DH may say they will not move in. He may mean they will never move in ... but, a homeless daughter with a newborn would be difficult to turn away for anyone. Life changes in a heartbeat.
Why is this such a fearful issue for you. Are your kids DH's biokids? Are you afraid of losing your "allocation of resources?"
We literally have no room for
We literally have no room for her to live here.
I agree that she is probably
I agree that she is probably incapable of raising a child. But she is determined to keep this baby, which is putting us all in a terrible situation.
Her mother had extreme
Her mother had extreme post-partum, which puts her at a high risk for it. And she will have to get off her medications, which I'm very concerned about.
Oh please.
Oh please.
She has already decided that
She has already decided that she is keeping the child.
No one has turned her away.
No one has turned her away. Parenting is not ending. But enabling needs to end.
She has been in therapy for
She has been in therapy for years and is on medication. She hasn't been to a doctor yet.
We are willing to help her, but she has got to find a way to get her life together. Or she has to face reality that she is incapable of raising a child.
She lives most of the time
She lives most of the time with her birth mother. I'm not sure what her official diagnosis is, to be honest. Depression for sure.
She lives with her mother.
She lives with her mother. Her mother controls all aspects, and didn't even tell my husband she was putting SD on medication. She has told us she has severe depression and anxiety... that's the extent. Depression and anxiety. I've said that quite a few times so far in this thread.
I totally understand not
I totally understand not wanting a lazy, irresponsible, underemployed adult move into one's home. No way - ever. Not something that a sane person would ever want to deal with. Being pregnant makes it even worse.
What you do is stand FIRM. Do not let her problems in any way become YOUR problems. If she shows up at your door have a plan in place to take her to a homeless shelter to drop her off.
Totally agree! But my husband
Totally agree! But my husband is having a hard time planning for that scenario. He doesn't want to be in "fear" .... I call it "reality."
I don't want him to turn his
I don't want him to turn his back on his child. Never said that.
But what we cannot do is enable irresponsible behavior. She was capable of getting herself pregnant and was planning to go to London to study for hair and makeup, so I'm not sure that she is so far gone that she can't get her life together.
We don't even have the house or finances to take care of her. She will either have to get her life together or she will have to give her baby up for adoption. We just CANNOT take this on. It will destroy us, in many ways.
Her mother basically controls
Her mother basically controls everything. She barely includes my husband in any decisions... until things are in disaster mode. Which is why I'm concerned... she will not include us until something terrible happens.
And I agree about the safeguards for leaving the country. I disagreed with her going in the first place.
That's ok, tommar. She lost
That's ok, tommar. She lost me clear back at " She spends most of her day (and I mean literally 18+ hours) on her cell phone. She has a "job" one day a week. She is so depressed she sleeps all the time and doesn't eat".
Regardless of what SD does 18hrs a day, six hours is a regular nights sleep.
Now SD was going from TN as a severely mentally ill teen, with no money, clinically depressed state of being to London to study hair.
Ok. *shrugs*, back to The Walking Dead marathon for me.
Hi I'm still here! Yes, it's
Hi I'm still here! Yes, it's a mess! You summarized it perfectly! She has a lot of issues, and yes she was going to be allowed to study internationally in spite of a LOT of mental and physical problems.
Man, I was sure hoping this would be a supportive place, and now I'm just bummed out.
Your DH of course can make a
Your DH of course can make a decision what he wants to do with his adult daughter - but YOU do not have to accept any responsibility for her or her child ever.
If the daughter truly is so mentally incompetent that she cannot raise a child then CPS needs to remove that child from her care. It does not mean that YOU are required to provide that care.
I have several friends with disabled adult children where their parents worked their tails off to raise these now adults (Down, Cerebral Palsy, Birth Defects, etc.) to live productive lives. They have jobs (with a life coach), often their own apartment in a group home or other living arrangements. And they are HAPPY that they are contributing members of society. No they are not the same as non-disabled 35 year olds - but they are also not lumps who are coddled forever.
But being depressed while an illness that does affect one mentally - it is NOT the same thing as being mentally incompetent. It's like having walking pneumonia vs. terminal lung cancer.
I am thinking that NORPLANT
I am thinking that NORPLANT would have been a good idea. But, hindsight is always 20/20 they say.
With NORPLANT there is no
With NORPLANT there is no need to be quite as sneeky.
Nope, not bad, just easier
Nope, not bad, just easier and less worry.
I'm sorry to hear about your
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I think you are doing the right thing by preparing yourself for the worse, in case you need to leave DH. I would do the same thing if SD or SS found themselves with a kid at 18. They would not be living with me. I've given advice about protection to them and I would freely give additional advice about what I would do (either abortion or adoption) if I was in their situation, but I would make it clear to DH that they could not live with us if they chose to keep the child.
I think my DH would say the same thing as yours though. He agrees with me that the kids are not going to live with us when they are adults, but then he starts doing the "what if" scenarios. I think DH would take on parental responsibility of a grandchild, and I could foresee it causing our separation.
I agree, it's hard being in a situation that you have no control over. I think about what I would do if it was my own child in the predicament and, honestly, I probably would do the same thing as DH. But, the skids are not my kids. That's the reality. It's also their reality that they have two homes (DH and BM's) that they can try to take shelter at when they screw up, so they can take the good with the bad.
scbolton, seems like you and
scbolton, seems like you and DH need to have a serious conversation about this. If this is not possible with just the two of you go to a marriage counselor so you two can make a plan...if x happens then y and z are the options, if g and h happen then d t and p are the solution options. You two need to get on the same page first before anything else happens. If he's unwilling to have these conversations you are screwed and the pregnant SD is the least of your worries as your marriage is at the beginning of the end. And frankly you knew when you married him that this kid came with him. You also knew about BM and I'm sure had an inkling how your DH reacted to the SD and the BM and conflict in general. I'm a SM too and I can't stand my skids or BM but I did have a rough idea of the lay of the land before I said I do. Granted the whole stepparent situation is hella worse exponentially than anything I could have imagined and would never wish it on my worst enemy but I had a choice and I made it. I agree with SuperJew. If SD is going to be dumb she has to be tough cause her life on assistance at 18 will be tough. Good luck. If it were my 16yo SD in this situation there is no way in hell she would live here with the baby. She could visit but she simply be living here no matter what end of story. My situation is different as my BD is 18 and off to an Ivy League, master's and on to conquer the world while you have two small children. And I know there is no way my DH would want to jeopardize our marriage for an adult child making a decision like this. If yours will put your marriage at risk...again...you are screwed. Also I'm bipolar and medicated correctly and I didn't have to go off my meds while I was pregnant so no clue why you think Sd would have to go off meds.
When I started seeing how bad
When I started seeing how bad the parenting really was and how shut off the stepparent is from influencing that I started making loud statements to my dh "no teen baby mamas in this house." It was the only thing left to me to motivate better parenting.
So I am with you, scholton. You did not have a hand in setting up this mess, there is no reason you should be expected to clean it up.
I would also like to state that after learning how hard it is to have kids in my home whose parenting I disagree with, there is no way on earth I could survive my own SD trying to be a "mother" under my roof.
I think you're doing the right thing, getting your own affairs in order for your own good and that of your young children.
It sounds like the person with the biggest hand in this mess is BM. Let her handle it.
Scholton, your escape plan does not have to be your exit plan, btw. If it comes to the worst, you may arrange with your husband that you and kiddies will stay put for 6 months while he and SD get her affairs in order in an apartment. If at the end of 6 months there is no end in sight, he can either come home or you can officially separate. Something along those lines.
If there is anything worse than being a SM to kids with bad influence BM it is being a SGM to babies of that same provenance. Your instinct to protect the infant will be fierce while your actual authority to do so will be zero.
I should not be commenting so
I should not be commenting so early in the morning but oh well
1. Your SD does not have any kind or form of mental illness. No doctor said so... so get that out of your head
2. SD suffers from anxiety and depression bwhahahaha no Hon she's plain a spoiled little brat who's to lazy to work, it's so much more fun hanging at home doing nothing, and this is due to bio parents rather wanted to be her friend then parenting her in any form
3. SD getting pregnant, that's what happens if a child is not parented and taught about self respect and respecting others, she screams and shouts at her dad cause of entitlement.
4. Things not going well at BM's, who the hell cares, BM told this kid for years what an idiot her father is and what a bitch the SM is, not the SM had 2 kids so SD was told Daddy does not love you anymore he has a new family.... SD can stay with BM and BM can deal with this monster she created, or kick her out and she can move in with the boyfriends family
5. Your husband said she's not going to live with you, start trusting your husband and support him, starts looking into homes and motels close to you, in case she knocks on the door one night with a baby on the hip... drop her off then.
I wish people sill stop confusing brat entitlement with mental illness...